I have a 3 1/2 dd and a 11mo ds. In the beginning, dd has always been the compassionate, understanding and thoughtful one--even at very young age. She'd hold ds very gently as if afraid of breaking him in first few weeks/months. Then the jealousy set in.. She is very willful and dramatic so it was hard to tell at times if she was really feeling 'replaced' or she was just putting on another show b/c she likes to go through her range of emotions. Now she is still thoughtful and loving to ds, to the point where she will interrupt our special time and say "ds is crying, you should go check on him." But i can't help but feel that those long months in between where alot of her requests were denied due to diaper changes, feedings, bathing, napping..etc that it has left some irreversable scar on her emotionally. Lately she will, out of the blue, just BE SAD. I ask her what is the matter and she tells me that she doesn't know and she's just being sad. Then after a bit she will say I did *blah blah blah* to make her sad. (Which blah blah blah, did not occur. it was made up). And then after awhile, she's back to her normal cheerful self and proclaims she's not sad anymore. Did I betray her? Did my actions somehow introduce emotional unstability to her little self? She's at her grandparents for a few days (in a diff state) to play and get a 'vacation' to spend with them. She has never left our side for longer than a day -or- a night. When we call to see how she is, she refuses to talk to us on the phone, our names have not come up at all and I think she's happier there b/c she doesn't get the split 'baby is more important' attention with her. DH is going to pick her up tomorrow..

By Kate on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 04:10 pm:

Your son is at an age where you HAVE to pay more attention to him so he doesn't harm himself. He's probably crawling, pulling up, putting everything and anything into his mouth, etc. So even when kids are fine with new baby siblings, around nine months or so real jealousy can set in due to the sudden increase in parental attention to the baby. She may or may not understand that your son needs lots of attention so he doesn't get hurt, but even if she does it doesn't really help her feelings. Also, I would assume her more grown up playthings (namely little objects) are suddenly being picked up all the time and she's maybe being told how her toys could be dangerous to Baby. I don't know if this is what's going on in your case, but it's what happened with us. I had the world's easiest second baby and my first (4 1/2 at the time) was fine with her. Until baby #2 hit that nine month mark and we had to be extra vigilant with safety of baby #2.

I doubt you did anything wrong....my first child is also extremely kind, loving, compassionate, and the most empathetic human being I've ever encountered. We had some rough times. I'm sure she felt displaced and unloved and also probably felt guilty for wanting mommy and daddy to stop paying attention to baby sister. It took a loooong time, but things got better when baby sister was no longer at such a dangerous age.

You could try playing up the fact that she's a big girl and can do fun big girl things, but sometimes that backfires as they don't WANT to be big, they want to be a baby and have your attention, just like the real baby.

I don't know how the visit with relatives came about, but I would make sure to make it clear that it was a PRIVILEDGE for her, and not a way to get rid of her. Shower her with hugs and kisses and tell her how much you missed her and how glad you are to have her back.

Good luck...the sensitive, kind children suffer the hardest I think, but I haven't found or heard of any great solution. Eventually they'll probably be great friends and your little one will have a fantastic role model in his big sister.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 06:18 am:

Every parent with more than one child has been through this, and it all sounds perfectly normal to me. No, you have not done permanent damage to your daughter's psyche by having another child. I know this isn't any help or much comfort, but this too shall pass, and you'll have a new and different reason for parental guilt.

I think there is an invisible backpack labeled "guilt" that is attached to us when our children are born, and it is always kept full. But, mostly we are the ones filling it up, not someone or something else. So, try to put a little less in the backpack.

By Bobbie on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 10:56 pm:

Agree with Ginny. You have done nothing wrong. This is just a time of adjustment for your DD, trying to find her new place in the family. She will get over it just fine. Watch making it a huge issue of it though. They (kids) have a tendency to hone in on your guilty feelings and work them to their advantage. She isn't the first child to go through trouble getting use to the new baby and she won't be the last. In my DD's case. I played up the big girl thing. I would have her get me things for the baby. When I nursed I would keep a bottle of water in the fridge. I would ask her to go get it for me. I would have her help me get things out for Dinner. I would have her set the table. Help me fold laundry. Things that the baby couldn't do and I would tell her "thank you so much, you sure are my big girl." "boy what a help you are" Then I would put the baby to bed and let her stay up and snuggle for a little while at night. Because my arms were generally to full for a good snuggle during the day. It became our special time. Don't beat yourself up over this. It will all work itself out.

By Feona on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 10:00 am:

Don't forget soon she will have a playmate. Lucky girl! What a great gift you gave her!

By Dawnk777 on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 07:28 pm:

DD14 was 2 years and 7 months when DD11 was born. I remember once thinking I was done nursing the baby when she was still fussing, so I went on to continue nursing. I remember the biggest sigh coming out of the older one's mouth when I started nursing again. She was so mad. They did grow up to become good playmates for each other, although there are times now, when they seem to want to do damage to each other and it drives me crazy, but they still do have good times with each other.

By Kohorstl on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 08:12 pm:

HI I AM A MOTHER OF 4 WONDERFUL CHILDREN,AND I AM HAVING PROBLEMS POTTY TRAINING 3 OF THEM. THERE AGES ARE 4 YRS OLD,3 YRS OLD,AND 19 MONTHS OLD. I HAVE TRIED MANY THINGS FOR EXAMPLE THE REWARD METHOD,LETTING THEM WARE BIG BOY AND GIRL UNDERPANTS AND STILL NOTHING HAS WORKED.I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.ANY ADVISE?

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 06:01 am:

Kohorstl, welcome to Momsview. Have you introduced yourself in the New Members - introduction section? Just for your information, you can start a new thread just about your question by clicking on the "Parenting" line when you are in the first Momsview screen, scrolling all the way to the bottom, and clicking the new conversation button. That way your question is in a thread all by itself and people will be responding just to your question.

(By the way, if you are new to the internet you may not know that using ALL CAPS is somewhat like shouting, and most people don't do it except for emphasis of one or two words.)

As for the toilet training, I wouldn't even try with the 19 month old - that's much too young. It's been so long since I was involved in toilet training, I'll leave it to the other moms with recent experience to offer suggestions.

By Battykatty on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 10:30 am:

Thank you all for helping me to see a different view. Sometimes, when I am wrapped up so tight with the ins and outs of what I should do as mother and what I think my kids are feeling..that it gets hard to see straight and just relax and --BREATHE--. Thank you all!