Issue w/DD and preschool friends
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2003:
Issue w/DD and preschool friends
This is my DD's first year of preschool (she's 4) and she loves it. There is a little girl around the corner that we carpool with each week. They've played together a few times, and we go to the same church. I would consider the little girls mom to be my friend.
Today, another lady who goes to our church, and her DD also goes to preschool with mine, comes up to me in the parking lot and says that she and her DD "T" are having a problem with Ashlyn. (my DD) She says that Ashlyn won't let "T" play with her and this little girl that we carpool with. She said that "T" doesn't want to go to school anymore because Ashlyn and the carpool girl won't sit by her or play with her. She said that she's already talked to the preschool teacher about the situation and that the teacher said she would keep an eye on it.
She then proceeds to say that she thinks that we should get Ashlyn and "T" together more often to play so that they can be better friends at school. She says she really likes Ashlyn and that she would like "T" and her to be good friends. I told her I would talk to Ashlyn about the situation and that I was sorry if her DD's feelings had been hurt because of Ashlyn.
I drive home, and call the carpool girls mom. She said that "T"'s mom had had the *exact* same conversation with her earlier today, only she put her DD's name in instead of Ashlyns.
Little does she know that carpool girls mom and I are friends, and that we've discussed her before. She's known throughout the town for trying to turn people against each other. She has an older daughter who is 9, and she has done the same thing with girls that age. She'll approach the parents and say that their kids are picking on her DD9. She'll then proceed to try to "win them over" as friends for her DD9.
She tries to force friendships and instead is ruining them. She's caused some pretty serious problems between several families. And she's also caused a big problem between herself and a prominent family in the area.
I'm not quite sure what I should do. Carpool girls mom said to just let it go because that's just the way she is. What do I do when she starts calling me to have our DD's play together. To be quite honest, with her reputation and history, I would prefer that my DD not get too involved with "T". I don't want to have to deal with the problems that the friendship will bring.
I didn't think problems like this would start in preschool. I expected "friend problems" as the kids got older, but in preschool? The preschool teacher is really good and carpool girls mom and myself both feel that she would talk to us if there were any kind of problem with our kids being mean. (we've both had kids in this preschool before) Both of our DD's have done dance class, mini cheerleading, church activities, pageants etc., and have never had any problems with them accepting new friends or playing with others. This is our first "run in" with another mother with our 4 year olds.
First of all, be very careful when discussing this with your friend or DH, so your DD doesn't overhear it.
Secondly, I am torn between confronting the other woman, and just leaving it be, as your friend suggested. If it were me, my emotional side would want to confront her, along with your friend, and see how she reacts. However, I'm sure that would just create another problem, so the best thing to do would be nothing. That being said, I would encourage friendships with other girls, and just make excuses when/if this other mom calls to make playdates for your DD and her DD. And if she then pushes it, you may want to rethink having a discussion with her.
It's a tricky situation when you're trying to DIScourage a particular friendship, although I think at this age, you shouldn't have much trouble, at least not from the child. The mom sounds like a whole other story though. If she really is what everyone says she is, then, if she decides to badmouth you or your friend because you don't let your DD's play with her DD, most people won't give it a second thought.
I would like to add too, that you need to teach your DD to be nice to this other girl in school (not that you haven't already! LOL) and to try not to hurt her feelings. However, at this point, I don't think I'd start planning any playdates with her, and I'd just try to minimize any time your DD spends with her.
Robin, first I would contact the preschool teacher and find out the "real" story. After all, she would know what really goes on in her classroom.
What does your dd say about this? Have you asked her how she feels about "T"?
I really wouldn't push the playdate thing with your dd if she doesn't want to play with this girl. And from what you say, "T"'s mom doesn't sound like someone I would want to spend any time with.
Karen I feel the same way...I really want to just get in her face LOL. But, I know that would create a bigger problem.
Amy, yes, after "T"'s mom talked to me at the school, I asked Ashlyn if she played nice with "T" and she just said yes. I asked who she sat by today and she said "the carpool girl". I asked if she and carpool girl let "T" play with them. She said "Mom, "T" was playing with the horses in the back and me and "the carpool girl" were playing with the play dough".
Ashlyn didn't seem like she was hiding anything while I was talking with her. Usually if I know she has done something and I question her about it, she will try to divert my attention rather than letting me get to the point. But, with these questions today, she acted as if it was no big deal. Just another day of preschool. She loves going to preschool.
And one other thing I didn't mention in my post, when "T"'s mom came up to my car to talk to me about the *problem*, Ashlyn was sitting right there in her carseat and heard the whole conversation. That really ticked me off. It didn't seem to affect Ashlyn and she didn't say anything about it afterwards. Hopefully she wasn't paying close attention. I would feel really bad if she thought that she was hurting someones feelings, when really she wasn't. I don't want her to be uncomfortable around "T".
Your right Amy, I should really ask the teacher next week if she see's a problem. There isn't preschool the rest of the week because our district kids are out of school for the deer hunt.
Good point. As someone said, there are 3 sides to every story!
And Robin, that would tick me off BIG time! Certain things are not meant to be discussed in front of children, and I think this was one of those times.
Understand though, I've had numerous bad experiences with one particular mom in our neighborhood (who I have posted about on a few occasions), when my kids were younger. Everyone else has had problems with her and her DD too, and her thing was to just jump right in and confront everyone's child when her own *precious, do-no-wrong DD* came crying and whining to her. I just don't think that, at least initially, kids need to be involved in those discussions.
This caused my kids, mainly Jen, a lot of heartache, stress, anger and grief while she was growing up. Finally, after a number of years of biting my tongue and trying to *be fair* and not cause trouble, I ended up in this woman's face and actually told her *don't mess with my kids, or I will be in your face*. Obviously, now I feel that wasn't necessarily the *mature* thing to do, but hey, sometimes it takes something like that.
And every time this child would stir things up, I would remind Jen to be polite, not to talk about the girl with other girls, and just keep her distance. Of course, a lot of this you don't have to deal with being that your DD is only 4.
Let us know what the teacher says.
My dd is 5 and I think yes they do tend to form some cliques at even this age. My dd has a friend that is sometimes her friend and sometimes wants to leave her out. We have had several talks about peoples motivations for their behaviors and how 3 is a hard number of friends, especially with girls. So all is ok for us right now. I say ask the teacher whats what and maybe have a talk with your dd about being kind and trying to include others who would like to play, that said why should kids always have to play with someone they don't want to? It's a fine line teaching them to balance being kind and not having them feel their feelings don't matter. If this woman really believes that this is causing her dd to not want to go to school I would think she'd try to encourage friendships with other girls in the class not specifically your dd, that way if T has other friends it won't matter to her so much.
Melissa, after "T"'s mom talked to me about having our girls play more, I wondered why she would want to do that. If my DD came home and said that she was upset because so and so didn't want to play with her, I would encourage her to find a different friend, and maybe help her look for a new friend that we could invite over for a playdate.
I can't figure out why she wants to force the friendship.
I agree that it is a fine line between being kind to others but not having to be great friends. If Ashlyn doesn't want to be friends with "T", then I don't think that I should have to *make her*. Certainly she should be nice and show respect to her, as she should to everyone. But, if their personalities don't combine, then I don't think it should be pushed.
Ashlyn and "carpool girl" seem to be on the same wave length. They seem to be at about the same stage in learning. (language development, conversation ability etc.) "T" on the other hand doesn't really seem to *mesh* as well with Ashlyn and carpool girl. She is actually almost a year older than Ashlyn. But, she seems really immature for her age. She still does the baby talk thing, she is very quiet and reserved. When she talks it's not much more than a whisper. She is a cute little girl, but almost a complete opposite from Ashlyn and carpool girl.
The way "T"'s mom is going about things just really seems silly to me.
I will post an update after I talk to the teacher next week.
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