Good morning everyone! I have been dealing with some major isues the past few months and could use some help.Anyone who wants to comment please do so I in no way will feel offended or hurt by what anyone has to say, open to any and all suggestions...
Anyone who has read my postings or profile knows that last year I lost my DH in a four wheeler accident, this past year has been rather brutal, however getting much better.The birth of our child Annabelle in Dec 02 helped in so many ways. In the early months prior to her delivery I often wondered what it would have been like to have him here, to have had him in the room with me to witness the birth of angel. Or even to have seen the frist ultrssound and finding out she was *she*. I would cry myself to sleep every night douting if I could do this parenthood thing alone? Wondering how it felt to have the love of your life hold your belly and talk to it as I layed in bed? At this time in the greiving I was afraid of failer, affraid that I was going to let him down, not to do what he would have done? Did he like her name (after him)? All of these questions I would later be able to answer myself. It took what seems like forever, and lots of talking with my inlaws to realize that this is what made him love me. My stronge drive to be the best at everything I do (or try anyway), and the ability to love.I know now that I can not question I have to do. I have to know that what I am doing as a mom is wonderful I love her unconditionally, and will do anything to let her always know that. He is always with us and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him or miss him. There was even a time where I hated him for not returning from that ride, and leaving me here to have to deal with all of this. That was one of the hardest times, the months that I hated him, I litterally hated him (how selfish is that) however in talking with my MIL she and FIL did the same thing. I did not like that time in this, that was the frist time I was in love with someone I hated.It was the worst feeling, well now I'm in another siuation that has been getting to me that I am not really comfortable talking to family about, so I was hoping I might be able to turn here?
I have had a great friend through this his name is Dan he was my husbands friend through out high school. They remained good friends, and after his passing Dan would check on me every so often to make sure I was okay. He would mow the lawn, take the trash to the dump, you know *the guy chores*. More and more he would come around, and just hang out. I never though any thing of it untill one day my MIL mentioed to me that she over heard Dan and my FIL talking about Dan having feelings for me and that he wanted to know if my FIL was going to be okay with him talking to me about it.(he and my FIL had very close for sometime and he was like one of the family so felt that he needed the aproval). Anyway, this is where things start to get hard for me. Dan did talk to me about his feelings 4 months after talking with the Il's about it, for those four months I had a chance to figure out if I was ready to start my journey into a *new* life for me and my DD. Well I desided to give things a slow start, we strated to spend a little more time together, which gave me a chance to see how he would handle things with the baby and how I could handle things with a relationship. Much to my surprise it has been great we have our moments, where things are dificult. My INL's are so happy they think that Dan is great with the baby and love him for what he has done for me also. He is great I have grown to care for him so much and I can honestly say now that though it was so hard to get to this point in my life where I am at peace with the loss for Beau I know in my heart he is okay with this that he would have wanted me to move on for me and for the baby.And would be glad to know it is with someone who will love and care for her as his own. It took a long time to realize all of this and I am so glad that I found happiness again, at 25 it was hard for me to not know if I would ever have that again. Well we have been in this relationship now for around 4 months DD has been speaking mostly BABA and you guessed it DADA. She will look right at Dan and say it too, in a sense I now he will be I guess I'm afraid now that people are going to be hurt by this. As I said before everyone is so supportive but it hurt me the first time she said it it's only time before someone else gets hurt too. I know this may sound wierd but I don't know what to do Dan and I will do everything for her to know Beau(birth father) but I don't want to confuse her at such a younge age. My MIL and I talked breifly about this once and she knows and is happy that Belle will have two parents (and will refer to Dan and I as her parents not mom and Dan)but I just worry about everyones feeling in this as she learns to know him as DADA. When do I tell her about what happend?Do I introduce it throughout life or do I put it *away* untill she is old enough to ask about it?Do I talk to her about Beau and use his first name?or is he daddy Beau? This is what has been getting to me right now I just don't know how to handle this I know I still have a while before things will need to be explainded to her I just don't know.Well I'm sure I already lost half of you so I will await some input. Thanks for letting me speal out some of my feeling...

By Jenn on Sunday, July 13, 2003 - 12:43 pm:

I will post in my experience. My father died of cancer when I was a baby, so like your daughter I do not know who he is personally. My mom met my dad and got married when I was 15 months. Yes I call him my dad. My oldest brother was 9 and called my dad Tom. I didn't realize this until I was 7/8 and then i started to wonder and question things. My mom has always been open and knew that she would have to answer the questions some day. My brother John(he is 13 months older than me) also at the time was asking questions. My mom explained that we have a father who passed away when we were babies. She met this man who became our dad. He did not replace our biological father, but he is what made us more special. We were loved by 2 dads. One who watched over us and one who raised us. When I was 16 my mom gave me the death and birth certificates, pictures, and a bunch of other goodies. Nothing was ever hidden from us, but nothing was forced in our faces. I was given a locket when I was a baby with a picture of my dad in it. This was something to stay close to the heart and it always assured my mom that he was always in my. My brother was given a pocket watch. Same reasons for him. I called Tom my dad and I think your DD should do the same thing. When I have more time, I will post more after I talk to my mom and ask her some ideas also.

By Semperspencer on Sunday, July 13, 2003 - 01:12 pm:

I don't know if I feel knowledgeable enough in this area to give advice. I do want you to know that my heart really does go out to you, for all you have been through, all you have dealt with. What a strong woman to make it through all of this! And with only genuine concern for your daughter, shows how true of a mother you are.

In my opinion, which is not based on experience, is that you should do as Jenn described above. Dan should be called Daddy if he remains a part of her life. She will feel as though he is her Daddy regardless. But just as important, is to make her aware of Beau's special part in her life.

At so young an age, there is no way to explain to her the situation you all have found yourself in. However, you could always have pictures of Beau around the house or in her room so that he is a constant part of her life, even if only in pictures. As far as what she should call Beau, I would try something like you mentioned..."Daddy Beau"

Good Luck with everything!

By Claire on Sunday, July 13, 2003 - 01:24 pm:

I would be wary of letting your daughter call Dan Dada until you get married and he makes that commitment to you both. Babies at this age are "trying on" all sorts of sounds.

IMHO it is too early in the relationship regardless of how well or long you have known Dan.

((hugs))and Good Luck

By Semperspencer on Sunday, July 13, 2003 - 02:37 pm:

Claire is right, I would definitely wait until he commits himself to you and your daughter through marriage first.

By Bobbie on Sunday, July 13, 2003 - 10:32 pm:

DADA is one of the first things said by all babies father figures in their lives or not. It is an easy shape of the mouth and one of the first sounds learned.

I think that Dan sounds like a great guy. And I think that because he knows your DH he will be able to share with you and Bella his life. He in a sense is a piece of your DH's history/life. I really don't think you need to concern yourself with the opinions of others about what Bella is learning to say. They are grown adults and she is a baby. And they sound like they are fully aware of where this might lead. I however would not incourage her to refer to Dan as Dada until you are more commited to each other. She is still a baby but IF you don't work out it will lead to confusion and hurt for her later. And I think that with your DH's family being involved in her life I am sure she will know who he is and that she is loved by him. And the long and the short of this. You need to stop worrying and enjoy your life. Bella will be fine because you are going to be fine. She will grow up with a great understanding of the strenght of her mother and the love she is surrounded with. Follow your heart and live....

By Mommyathome on Monday, July 14, 2003 - 04:41 pm:

((((hugs))))
I agree with Claire as well. I would definitely wait until there is a marriage. I don't mean to be extra nosey, but I'm wondering if Dan is going to adopt her?

Anyway, Dan does sound like a great guy. It is also nice that your inlaws are supportive of you and him together.

I would say be as open and honest with your DD as you possibly can be. I wouldn't wait until she was at a certain age of understanding to bring it all up at once. That would be very overwhelming and possibly emotionally damaging to her.

I lost my parents when my oldest was 8 months old. Now I have 3 DK's and they all know that they have a "special grandma" and a "special grandpa", as we refer to them. They've been told since birth about them, they've seen pictures and they know all kinds of stories about them. This makes me feel better too. I think if your open with your DD about the situation that she will accept it easier. My oldest is 5 and she is just barely starting ask what exactly happened to her "special grandma" and "special grandpa".
Good luck to you

By Susan10 on Friday, July 18, 2003 - 02:14 pm:

My sympathy goes out to you...what a tragedy. I also have no experience in this area, but I agree with all of the above.