My parents are in trouble!
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive March 2007:
My parents are in trouble!
My siblings and i are not sure what to do. My parents were married in 6/73. They have been married 34 yrs this June. A long time.
But things are going down hill fast. We know they love each other but they are always fighting. My mom does nothing but read all of the time. She works from 8am-4:30pm M-F. Dad work 7am-4pm M-F. After she gets off work she comes home and reads a book a night no kidding. Harlaquin usually. She can go through 25-40 a month.
She always say I am going to do this or that or whatever but she ends up reading. My dad built a hot rod years ago and he is really into that but she doesn't do anything with him with it because she says she is not comfortable riding in the car. But also complains that they never do anything together.
My dad is upset she does nothing ever so he drinks allot. He sees nothing wrong with it. So then she is also upset because he is drinking all of the time. He is drunk all of the time. He behaves stupid when he is drunk. Makes comments about things that are hurtful or not something I would want to hear my dad say.
He drives drunk but always says I am fine. I drive better drunk than sober. Again I know stupid but that is how he sees it. And I mean stupid drunk words are sluring and he walks funny. Really scary for all of us.
We (myself and 2 other siblings) we have no clue what to do. They are our parents but man are they messed up right now.
Mom complains about dad and dad complains about mom. Dad cries when he is drunk mom cries when she talks about it.
Help ladies what can we do? Do we the 3 kids sit them down together and just let them have it with everything we are feeling? Please help!
If you want to "sit them down together", you are talking about a confrontation of sorts - what is often called an intervention. So you should probably get some advice from qualified people. If it were me, I'd check with AlAnon and see if there is a nearby AlAnon group where you can get some advice. If dad is drinking and driving drunk, he definitely needs AA before he kills himself and/or someone else. (Most drunks say they drive better drunk than sober - sadly.)
Mom, I suggest, could benefit from AlAnon and/or maybe some individual counseling. Sounds like she is escaping into the books (I've been there, done that), and is probably depressed. Whether she is depressed because of your dad's acoholism and related behavior, or is just depressed in general, is something only a professional can judge.
If you do an intervention and it doesn't help, then you will need to decide what you want to do, individually or collectively.
I wish you well in this and think it is great that all the kids want to work together on this - which is not always the case. But you do have to understand that alcholics are usually in denial about their behavior/condition, and until your dad admits to himself that he has a problem and needs help, nothing will happen.
Here's a link to the AlAnon web site: AlAnon Follow the links to find a local group.
It sounds like they are both hurting inside. Your mom is escaping by reading and your dad is escaping with drinking.
You know your parents best, but I would try to talk to each parent separtely with the other not around. Take your mom out to lunch one day and your dad another day. Tell them you love them dearly and know that they love each other but have noticed the they don't seem to be happy, and don't seem happy with each other right now. Ask what you can do to support and love them. Ask about how they met, what they love about each other, what did they like doing together before they had kids, etc. Help them find a common thing to do together, either something that they did before or would like to learn new. That may help them start to communicate and spend time together again, but I still think that there are some deeper issues going on that will need more support and help than can be given on the boards or even by you kids. I think it is great that you are all so caring about your parents.