What do you do when you are SO ready for divorce but
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive October 2006:
What do you do when you are SO ready for divorce but
you don't have a job (you have a degree but you've been a SAHM for several years and totally out of the working world).
I am so ready to just pack up and leave, but I have no place to go. I have been looking for jobs the last month. I have a couple of irons on the coal so to speak. I have found the house I really want to buy.
When DH and I married I had my own home and I intend of leaving with my own home again. I sold it because he didn't like us keeping it for rental. I gave him all but 10% of my sale so that we could could pay off his home (now our home). I owned my house free and clear when we married.
I don't think either one of us can take this much longer. We keep talking about reconciling, but honestly, I have no desire. He finally believed me, but he tells me he couldn't live without me. But I really think it is not me he wants to keep. It is my work I do around the house, even though he has nothing nice to say about it. He also doesn't want to have to pay me to get a new home. He knows it is going to cost him for us to divorce, even though I really only want what I came into this marriage with (the little bit of furniture I kept from my home, dishes, a car and another 3bd home). He can keep the rest, including the house and a vacation property we have which I'm sure is worth a heck of a lot of money since it is on a river. There is also some money my dad gave to "us" for tax purposes, but really it is my inheritance. Oh, and the kids. And even that I am open for joint custody and equal time sharing.
So to those of you who were SAHM and did the divorce, how did you make the transition? How long did you live unhappy while you were looking for the right time to do it?
If it were me, I would have all my ducks in a row first. Lawyer, job, money in the bank, place to live and lastly make sure you are safe. Some men react strangely when facing the fact that they are being left. I could tell you stories ....
I would not tell him a thing until the movers were there. Also, don't sell yourself short, don't think that you didn't contribute while in this relationship. Many women are desperate to get out of a relationhip they leave and are not protected financially. There is your retirement to consider and children that one day may need help with their education. Once you are divorced from your husband you lose control of the financial decisions to a certian degree when it comes to your children.
I hope everything goes smoothly for you, take care and stay safe.
Hmm, it sounds like to me you know what you want. I don't have any advice. Just big (((HUGS))) to you anon!
I just did this within the past year. I wish I had done it alot sooner. I too had been a SAHM for 7 years, no job, no savings, nothing. Be strong and everything will work out, however, I do think the advice that you received was good. I'll be thinking of you.
Anon #3, how did you make that jump? Did you have a place to live and money to pay first off? Did you just suffer in the same house w/ DH while you were both unhappy? Did you get the place and then the job?
My DD is ready to move. She loves her daddy but does not like living with his anger (has never hit anyone).
I want out so badly and I am ready today if I could. I do have some money but it is tied up in CDs (my inheritance) and most are in both DH and I name or the kids.
I have ways to make money but I don't know if they will pay the bills. I have not heard back from job aps yet. I know I am marketable, but I am not the "fresh out of college" kid who is not looking for enough money to support a family and home. I need a real income not an entry level low paying job. I need to use my skills and only accept the better jobs and only look at the better paying jobs. I refuse to force my children to live week to week to see what we have left over for food. (The only plus I have right now by staying married).
What is that middle ground from deciding and doing?
Well if you are trying to get divorced and need money I would suggest getting together what you can right (doing all you can now) now and save enough for rent/deposit on somewhere to live and I would suggest an extra months rent if possible and then find an attorney to get a temporary support order for child support and possibly spousal support if you live in a state that has that TX doesn't do spousal support in most cases.
If your DD is ready to get out and has told you so then I would try to make it as quickly as possible and know that she probably is willing to make a few sacrifices (not having everything she wants for a while) depending on her age.
When I left my ex it was very hard, but I knew that it would be better for all involved in the long run.
The other thing is... if your ex cares at all for the kids and you are saying you are willing to share custody do you actually think that he would allow your kids to go hungry? I mean I am sure that you don't want to ask for his help but maybe he feels the same way you do and the reason that he doesn't want to let you go right now is because he wants y'all to be taken care of?
Just something you might want to talk to your ex about .. If you can separate on good terms it is better for everyone especially the kid(s).
Geez. I'm in the same boat as you. I'm wanting a divorce as well. Things aren't working and I'm tired. But I've got my two boys to think about, they are 3.5 and 1.5. I don't have a job, savings, home, I have nothing. I just got myself a credit card about a month ago. I got rid of everything and joined my husband's accounts when we got married. I used to work before I married and before I became a sahm. I've been looking at rentals for apartments and there's no way I'd be able to afford a decent place.
My plan is to scrape up enough money somehow to be able to pay a few month's rent on a place while I look for a job. That means staying here until that can be done. I've been looking for a part-time job, even a one time or a temporary job, yet every time I bring it up, my husband says no. So I don't know how I will do it. I have no family around here. My friends are all literally out in the world. I just need to focus on scraping together some money.
This is Anon #3. Unfortunately, I don't have alot of online time these days, so I can't answer you right now, but I will soon.