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Sex topic

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive May 2006: Sex topic
By Anonymous on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 09:31 am:

What do you think about a spouse who only wants to spend time with you when they want sex?
I do not get it. Granted, we do not have the best relationship, but we do not have the worst either. My husband comes home from work. He talks to the kids for a few minutes, he changes his clothes, and is out working on one of his many projects.Now, these projects do not concern the family, they are his projects. What I mean is, it is not like he is fixing or redoing something in the house that needs very bad repairs. He is outside working on his "stuff". Dinner time comes around, he comes in, eats with us, helps clean up, and then right back outside.When it gets dark, he comes in, helps put the kids to bed, and most of the time goes back outside to work on his "project".Yet, he only comes inside early if he wants sex. He has no interest in me, or being with me except when he wants sex. He is not a bad man, he is actually a very nice person. He just does not understand, I do not feel grateful to him because he decided to clean up his stuff and come inside early just to have sex. That is not appealing to me in any way shape or form. He made a comment yesterday it has been a long time since we have had sex. I would guess probably more then a month, close to 2 months. I do not even know.
Yes, we have talked about it, he knows how I feel. He just feels he needs to get his projects done, blah blah blah.
My biggest complaint is that he truley does not understand why I do not want to have sex. He does not understand that when he spends every waking free minute doing his stuff, that is not putting me a very romantic mood. I feel like I am the only one who goes through things like this.

By Janet on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 09:42 am:

I don't have a quick answer, but I remember hearing a speaker once who described men as microwaves and women as crock pots when it came to sex. Women have to have that daily connection that forms the intimacy that leads to the desire for sex, men just don't. They can turn it on and turn it off like a faucet (which, for those of us in relationships, I think we all know by now!). There's a good book you might look at called, "Sex Begins in the Kitchen." I don't know the name of it, but it talks about how women respond more readily to their men if they take the time to foster that connection (by doing dishes, cleaning the cat barf off the rug, watching the kids, etc). Of course, if you're the only one getting anything from the book, it won't help much. But maybe it would give you some concrete examples to give to your husband, helping him to understand exactly what you need, rather than just asking for more of his time. (This is getting long, sorry)
My dh farms and works a ft job in town, and there are many, many times when he is off doing things in his "spare" time when I would rather have him with the girls and me. He feels pressured and I feel resentful. But I tend to forget most of that when he takes the time to do some little things with us or around the house...
I don't know what your dh's "stuff" is...but I think you need to continue to try to open the communication lines and see if you can make him understand that you need more of a connection than just sex. Most men are willing to make changes if it means more sex, don't you think?

By Sandysmom on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 09:43 am:

(((Anon))), I'm sure it is common for men to do that. At least your husband has projects and doesn't just sit in front of the TV all night. I'm not trivializing your experience though. They may be doing different things, but the concept is the same. I do feel for you. Is this a possibility: have the kids at a babysitter when he gets home and either have dinner reservations or a candlelight dinner waiting for him at home? Just a suggestion. But I think what you are saying is that you would like for him to be the romantic for once. I can sympathize. When I talk to my DH about these things, it improves for only a very short time and then goes back to complacency. Sometimes, I wish I hadn't married.

By Anonymous on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 11:24 am:

I could have written your EXACT post if you leave out "helps clean up" and "helps w/ the kids". I'm on my own even with that. He is off to his projects right after dinner. And like you they are HIS projects, not something the family gets anything from.

We too have had conversations about it. Infact, twice in the last 2 days about us spending more time together as a couple AND a family. And in two days we are still not carrying thru w/ it. Hoping tonight will be different.

signed Anon #2

By Emily7 on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 11:46 am:

What about going out when the kids go to bed & showing interest in what he is doing?

By Sandysmom on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 11:53 am:

i made a statement i wish I hadn't. I am glad that I am married, and I do love my husband. I just get irritated sometimes.

By Janet on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 12:05 pm:

I think we all feel that way at times (wishing we weren't married), so don't worry about what you said. :)

By Insaneusmcwife on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 01:32 pm:

{{{{hugs}}}}. Dh & I both have our own projects that we do alone but we also make sure we have plenty of stuff that we do togeather and with the kids. Maybe if you guys can come to a compromise that 2 days a week is devoted to strictly family time, 2 days a week is devoted to one and one time and he can have the rest of the week to work on his projects? Something along those lines?

By Reds9298 on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 01:59 pm:

Completely agree with Kristie...we are the same way about our "alone" projects, and maybe her suggestion would be a good way to get things going in the right direction.

We just finished reading The Five Love Languages and it was fantastic! I thought of it when I read your post. Maybe your DH's love language is physical contact, but he has to find your love language, too! I think you're trying to tell him but he isn't listening.

We have a wonderful marriage and still got soooo much out of this book to improve on. I highly recommend it (like others on this board).

By Crystal915 on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 02:03 pm:

Ditto on Deanna, 5 Love Languages really helped our marriage. I'd be pretty upset if I were you as well, because it would make me feel as if I was simply a walking sex toy. Now, I'm somewhat like your DH, I do my own thing much of the time when I'm not busy with the kids, but we still make an effort to "connect" in some way, even if we're not in a sexual mood.

By Dawnk777 on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 02:26 pm:

Sometimes, he is busy with his projects, or his cellphone rings off the hook. There are plenty of things that demand his attention, but this morning, it was all about us, even before I got up to get kids ready for school. I got to think about it for the half-hour that I'm gone, doing to school run. Then the next 2-1/2 hours were all about us - no tv, no phones, no computer, nothing! It was wonderful.

By Anonymous on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 02:55 pm:

I'm right there with you two, anon #1 and anon#2. My dh is a good man. I understand he works hard. He'll come home, watch tv, go on the computer, play around with his electronic gadgets, eat dinner, watch tv, go on the computer, etc. He goes to bed very late. If he goes to bed at midnight it's an early night. Then, he wants to nookie! I'm too tired and it's too late. The times we are intimate, I don't feel any connection afterwards. It's like nothing happened. I keep wondering if this is normal.

Anon #3

By Cocoabutter on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 04:38 pm:

One thing I don't get. Why is it that we women expect the men to do all the work when it comes to "making the connection?" I go out to the garage and see what it is that my dh is working on. I show interest in "his world." And you know what? We once "connected" in the garage if you know what I mean. ;)

I don't totally agree with the crock pot/microwave theory. Men need a little simmering too. Men like to know that we are interested in them and they like to share their hopes and dreams with us.

Buy the book called "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." It shows you how you have the power to make your man do anything you want him to simply by showing him love, affection, and respect. You can have him eating out of your hand. You just have to make the effort to be the kind of woman that he WANTS to connect with.

By Anonymous on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 06:02 pm:

Lisa- I can understand what your saying it is not always the husbands who need to make the first move. I can not speak for others. I can say, when my husband is outside doing his thing, I do not go out there. I have kids in the house that need supervision.
Mostly, I do not have interest in his world. WHY??? Because he spends more time in that world, then working on his responsibilites in this house. There is SOOOOO many things(repairs and such)that need to be done in this house.(We have been in this house for 7 years now. I guess I resent the fact that spends so much time in his own world and nothing gets done in the house where me and the kids live. I always tell him I am going to call a handy man to get these jobs done. He gets mad saying we do not have the money to hire anybody, and they never get done. So, no I do not partake in his world. Yes, I am selfish.
I am anon#1

By Cocoabutter on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 06:28 pm:

I understand what you are saying about him not following through on his responsibilities. My dh tends to do the same thing. I end up doing a lot of my own little repairs. I can replace a wall outlet and I can mount a shelf on a wall with a drill and a screw. Pretty soon I am going to figure out how to replace the switch in our ceiling fan in our bedroom, cuz we have had the new switch for a year now, and I have been having to screw the light bulb in to get the light to come on. *sigh*

But I honestly have figured out that when the man is the breadwinner (or at least the principal breadwinner) things can get overwhelming. If there are repairs that need to be made and money is short and life demands that he take responsibility, he could be overwhlemed and in order to escape from the guilt and feelings of inadequacy he goes off to the garage to do something where he can feel useful.

You can still be of help to him by reassuring him that you love him, that you are thankful that he goes to work every day and that you are able to stay at home (you are a SAHM- yes?) and take care of the family. Build him up. It seems like he needs that from you.

By Anonymous on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 07:28 pm:

edited by anon#4

By Anonymous on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 09:39 pm:

Anon #4 Bump

By Cocoabutter on Friday, May 12, 2006 - 10:38 pm:

I am going public because I stand by what I am about to say.

First, being in a marriage is not about YOU or making YOU happy. I disagree that being in a marriage means that you sacrifice yourself to HIM. Being in a marriage means that you add to yourself- you enrich your life by making eachother happy. But it's not about YOU anymore. Especially after the kids are born.

And furthermore, once the kids are born, we as parents owe it to them to do everything in our power to provide them with an intact home. It's about THEM now, and that is why these ladies are staying with men that they may not be as happy with as they feel they could be, and they come here looking for support and advice on how to improve their marriage.

They aren't looking for someone to "anonymously" discourage them any further.

By Reds9298 on Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 07:30 am:

I totally agree with the Anon before Cocoa...exactly!!! I also completely agree with Cocoa to some extent, and I do understand that women stay in unhappy marriages for their children, but I just don't agree with doing that. I truly do think it's about "you", and once YOU are happy, then all those that you love and have to care for will get the benefits of that. Unfortunately it's just that many SAHM's were not professionals before and often don't have a college education that would allow them to get out on their own to support themselves. That's another topic in itself.

If you're not happy, you just have to make it known to your spouse that you're not happy. Not "I wish you would do this or that", but "I'm not happy with you and if things don't change then I'm going to have think about what I should do to get out of this marriage and have a happy life." It's only about the kids to a certain extent for me. If you find that you're losing yourself in your kids (or your DH for that matter), then I think that's a sign that you need to make a change in your life that corrects that. JMHO and a little off topic, too :)

By Kaye on Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 08:38 am:

:)

By Conni on Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 09:15 am:

This is for original anon-

I agree with letting your dh know that you will be happy to have s e x and LOT's of it after he spends some time working on projects around your home. And after he makes time with you a priority and you can feel connected again. It really is simple. Write it down for him if you have too.

Spend time with me = get some

Do a project on the honey do list = get some more

Speak his language.

:)

I wish people would realize that not everyone has the same perfect husband?? You dont just get divorced because your dh is in a habit of working on projects and you feel disconnected. Change his habits. Change your way of communicating, etc... I live in a house full of guys. They do NOT all think alike and they do NOT think like women. You have to help him understand what you need. If talking isnt working, draw him a picture, show him, have another man talk to him. Whatever it takes. You are worth it, your marraige is worth it and your kids are worth seeing Mom and Dad working together as a team. And seeing Mom and Dad work thru their struggles will help them alot in the future.

My parents have been together for 45 yrs. I can assure you they had many ups and downs. But I learned that most things can be worked thru. Life wasnt just about one of them. It was about God and our whole family. I am glad they didnt raise me to think that life is only about ME ME ME. I divorced a man that was raised by a single Mom and raised as an only child. That's what he thought- life was about HIM HIM HIM. He wasnt aware that there was anyone in the world other than him. He was clueless as to how a husb/wife might interact with each other and work things out. It's give and take, not take, take, take. lol We all have diff experiences that lead us to our views and opinions. There is no one right way.

I have been in my house almost 7 yrs now and I am having to learn to do alot of the projects myself. I can relate to how you feel about needing things done!! I am starting to enjoy it more and more. I noticed you said you have kids in the house that need to be supervised. I Am assuming you have young children. When my kids were very young I didnt get as much done. Now that they are older life is so much easier. I remember feeling unhappy when Blake was a toddler at times(i was pooped and I got nothing done for myself many days). I can assure you that these yrs fly by and they will be older before you know it. I have one going into high school next yr and I am still in shock over how fast time has gone by. Now my dh and I can go do things alone alot more and I have more time to work on projects I need to do or whatever...

I am not perfect and my dh is not perfect. Actually, most people arent perfect and most marraiges arent perfect. Atleast, that's the world I live in...lol It takes work.

Good luck!!

By Tripletmom on Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 09:38 am:

I have to agree with you cannot make someone happy if you're not happy yourself.All marriages go through bumps.Having young children is one of them.I think if we ignore the signs of trouble in a marriage it will take alot more work to get it back.I think we can all begin to not even like the person anymore.The less we are connected to eachother the more we don't like them and not wanting to be with them.Its so easy to get comfortable and stop appreciating eachother.


Conni-I agree with changing the habits also.That is where I feel people get too comfortable and its easy to do what is easy.Marriage is hard work.Its probably the hardest relationship to keep happy.

I think communication and being real to eachother is the most important.If my DH starts to slack off I just tell him how I feel.Most times I truly believe in the saying "Its all in the way that its said" You can ask something in many tones but only in the right tone will you get somewhere.

By Anonymous on Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 09:43 am:

edited by anon#4

By Anonymous on Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 11:56 am:

I have decided to order the 5 LL and keep my thoughts about my marriage to myself. :) #4

By Cocoabutter on Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 12:37 pm:

I know this is not a debate, but we were asked for opinions :)

I honestly think that sometimes happiness is a DECISION. Some women choose not to be happy with anything, and thus make everyone else unhappy as well.

If I were in a bad mood, I could walk around all day with a scowl on my face waiting for someone to make me happy. Or, I could walk around with a smile on my face and eventually the thought of scowling will have vansihed. Point being, why wait until you are happy to act happy? Do happy things, be happy towards others, and eventually you will BE happy. It's all about ATTITUDE.

I have also found that going out of my way to make others happy has the end result of ME being happy, too. Sometimes when I place the happiness of others ahead of my own, I find a peace and happiness that is more fulfilling than I would have had if I would have put my foot down and demanded that I be made happy FIRST.

It is when you put yourself and your happiness FIRST as a priority ahead of anyone else in your family that they pay the price.

PS Conni You ROCK!!

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 02:23 pm:

I agree, Lisa, happiness is often making a decision to not let your mind linger on the things that make you unhappy.

I do agree with the first anon - her dh spending time on his "projects" when there are lots of repairs needed in the house and he is capable of doing them feels unfair. I think Conni is pointing you in a good direction with her list.

If you and dh haven't talked about this, you should. If you have and neither of you have changed, then (again) I strongly suggest counseling. I've seen this kind of situation (and lived in one, in fact) and it can be a marriage-breaker.

But attitude does make a difference. You can go around nursing your feelings of hurt and unhappiness to your bosom, or shove them to the back of your mind and spend time thinking about something that makes you happy - or doing something that makes you happy. It's not totally up to you, but a lot of it is up to you.

By Reds9298 on Saturday, May 13, 2006 - 10:45 pm:

I think attitude definitely makes a difference, and NO, you do not get divorced simply because you feel disconnected. But when (as first anon posted) you are sharing what you want and need from someone and it's not happening, then you have to start thinking about yourself and what's important to you in this short life. Her DH isn't asking her to come out and interact with his projects, he's not telling her what he "needs", so how can she know? She, on the other hand, IS telling him and it's not happening. What's that about?

No, none of us are perfect. Yes, marriages have ups and downs because that's real life and we are all changing as the years go by. BUT, if we (the couple) are always aware of the needs of our mate, respect those, and at least attempt to please our spouses wants/needs (and vice versa), then you're working on it and that's what counts. Everyone has their days when they're not the best spouse, but when it's making the life of the other one miserable, something has to change.

I think Ginny is right regarding attitude. You can say "ok, this is the way it is, it's not going to change, but it's not worth it to me to get out of this situation" and that's great...then go around with a smile and accept it. OR, decide it's not your best life and go from there. If you can say that you're trying to make your marriage better (by giving of yourself to the best of your ability), then you are doing your part.

I don't think it's about having perfect husbands, and I don't think anyone is saying that. My DH is not perfect and neither am I, but we both try to be the best to each other and because of that we have a great marriage. I just don't get the idea of "I'll keep giving and giving and hope that he starts giving back." That's a great way to be a doormat IMO. Both people should be working to help EACH OTHER get the best out of this life together.

By Anonymous on Sunday, May 14, 2006 - 09:42 am:

Thank you everybody for your thoughts on this. I am anon #1..
Today is Mothers's day,and around here it is the same as any other day. My husband, again, is outside working on his project. It was not until 10pm last night did he go out and get me a card and bought flowers for me. WHY???? because he heard me discussing with my oldest that things like Mother's day, birthdays, or Christmas do not have to involve money. That, some families just spend time together on these days, or do special things, like breakfast in bed, or take care of the kids, so moms could get a little break.
At 10pm, when I went to bed, he went out to the store. Now, before anybody thinks he did not have time earlier then 10pm, he did. He basically has the whole day to himself to come and go and work on his stuff. He can find time to go to the hardware store to get things he needs. My point in bringing this all up, is that this why there is no connection, and why I do not have a "need" to have sex with him.I should state more importantly, not just need it is I do not have a want, or desire.
I am with my kids today, so that is more important than anything.

By Trina~moderator on Sunday, May 14, 2006 - 10:38 am:

I'm sorry to hear your marriage is not a happy one. {{{HUGS}}} It goes two ways. If you do not want or need or desire to be with your DH than he's not going to want or need or desire to be with you. A vicious cycle! Sounds like the two of you need counseling to learn how to break it. As mentioned above, a happy marriage requires constant nourishment from both partners. It takes work to keep "connected". You can't just sit back and expect your partner to do all the work. If you make an effort to show affection and become more interested in him and his projects, etc. I'm willing to bet he will reciprocate.

By Anonymous on Sunday, May 14, 2006 - 11:38 am:

Wasn't it proven that men literally think differently than women? I think it was on 60 minutes or something years ago.

Well anyway, I can totally sympathize with many of the responses here. I remember when my first child was a newborn and she was up all night and DH wanted to have sex. I just remember looking at him and thinking are you nuts? Now, I would have had sex with him that day if he had let me taken a nap and shower. lol. I guess he figured I was up anyway. :)

Being with my DH, almost 16 years, my definition of foreplay has changed. In the beginning it was about romance, bubble baths, and things like that but nowadays its about pitching in around the house, helping with the kids, and giving me mommy time(he's sure to get lucky- lol). Don't get me wrong there are times when we just go at it. IT's all a matter of comprising.

I would try talking to him. I think I am going to purchase that book too.

By Debbie on Sunday, May 14, 2006 - 12:02 pm:

{{{{hugs}}}} It sounds like you and your dh are definitley not connecting, which of course will cause you to not want to be intimate with him. I would sit with your dh and be very honest, let him know that you don't feel like being intimate because you don't feel connected. Then, tell him exactly what you need to get those feelings back. I am definitley one of those people that needs "me" time. Dh is one that doesn't. He has realized that I need a balance of me time, family time and couple time to be happy. It sounds like your dh does need some me time, but he is taking it overboard. If you want a few days a week for family time and couple time, tell him that. Then, plan some things for you to do as a family and as a couple and tell him what you have in mind. Some of the things we have started doing are, family pizza and game night on Saturdays. We all sit down and play board games and eat pizza. It is lots of fun! Dh and I will sit and watch a movie together after the dks go to bed on most Friday nights. It is nice to snuggle up and relax together. We have even done a late dinner a few times after our dks are in bed. I hope you can get him to realize how important this is to you, so he can met you half way. I went through a rough time with dh when our dks were little. We got very disconnected and hung up on everyday things. When dh and I sat down and talked, I really tried to focus on how his actions were making me feel instead of the actions themself. This seemed to help. We did end up in counseling, which helped us communicate better. It really saved our marriage. I hope you can work through this together. {{{hugs}}}}

By Dawnk777 on Sunday, May 14, 2006 - 09:16 pm:

It is nice having older kids and we get a lot more couple-time now! I think it does help keep us more connected, too.

By Anonymous on Monday, May 15, 2006 - 07:54 am:

Anon #1, this is Anon #2. I spent "my' day at his mother's house while he cussed at a busted chain saw so he could cut down her tree. I had to tend to both kids and keep an eye on them all day. The baby had no place to nap and by the end of the day was so cranky. The older one kept complaining "I'm bored'" Not even once did MY husband look at the mother of HIS children and say happy mothers day. It was all about his mom. This happens every year. I have no idea why this is. I have been frank and told him, I am the ACTIVELY mothering mother in his life right now. I should get the top billing. (I know I sound so trite, but it is how I feel). His mom should get recognition but I should get the pampering. I go all out for father's day.

Luckily, his mom knew I was a mother too and I didn't have to cook.

Hugs to you. I have seen many of us mom's who get brushed to the side by their spouses. I'm not sure why it is, but as someone stated above, their brains are just wired differently.

By Cocoabutter on Monday, May 15, 2006 - 08:19 am:

While I understand your frustration (and who isn't frustrated with their spouse from time to time) and I believe that you have the right to come here and vent any time you feel the need, you have asked for advice and seemingly have ignored it.

If Tiger Woods gave you advice on how to improve your golf game, would you listen? It seems to me that most of the advice and support that you have all received on this thread have been from ladies who have good marriages. Yet you are determined to have a bad attitude and only see the negative in your husbands.

Perhaps your husbands are total jerks and you picked the wrong men to marry and make babies with. On the other hand, if there is potential in them and thus in your marriage, then don't you think you owe it to yourselves to find out? Just give the advice here a try. Ask yourself a very frank question, and be totally honest with yourselves: Are you the kind of wife a husband can't wait to come home to?

I wouldn't rule out professional counseling, but you have received some good counsel here. Please don't ignore it.

By Sandysmom on Monday, May 15, 2006 - 08:43 am:

I see your point, but JMHO, any husband who didn't say Happy Mother's Day the mother of his children is really missing something, and no one should have to draw a picture for that. It should be a given. I agree with a lot of advice on this post, and for the record, my dh treated me very well this weekend. I know for some it is a 2nd marriage so they know first hand what others are going through. Had my husband done to me what Anon #2's husband did to her on Mother's Day,I would wait until his next day off and tell him not to make any plans. That morning, I would tell him that since she really didn't have a special Mother's Day, he could either make special plans for them or he could watch the kids while she took herself out for a day of beauty followed by a movie or something. That would really drive the point home. Maybe after that, next Mother's Day will be a lot more special. Oh, and just to show him how much she appreciates him still, Father's Day should still be extra special for him. No need for unnecessary retailiation. JMHO


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