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A marriage sort of topic(just some random thoughts)

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive April 2006: A marriage sort of topic(just some random thoughts)
By Anonymous on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 09:08 am:

I do a lot of thinking right before I go to sleep. I think mainly because me and my husband never go to sleep at the same time. He will come to bed early if he wants sex. Other then that, I go to bed around 10, and him closer to midnight.
Anyways, let me first say, I would NEVER cheat on my husband. We may not have the greatest marriage, it is an OK marriage. I just would never cheat in any way or form. I know people who have cheated, I see it on movies and such. I never really understood it. Sure, there are plenty of times that I am very mad at my husband, and do not want to be around him. Though, I would never think of cheating.
Just the last week or so, it finally dawned on me. I think some people cheat(I want to say A lot of people)mainly due to attention. Basically we do stuff as a family, and we eat dinner as a family, that is a given. Other then that, we do not spend any time together. He helps with the kids, bedtimes, baths and such. Unless he wants sex, he really does not pay all that much attention to me.No, he does not ignore me, no he is not rude to me.He will give me a hug for no reason at times, and he always kisses me goodbye in the morning. We talk about daily stuff, we eat dinner together. He goes off and does his thing(at home, but still not with the rest of us)he will emerge again when bedtime rolls around, he does his helping. Once all kids are in bed, he goes back to his things. I go and watch tv and then go to bed.So during those minutes before I fall asleep, laying in bed alone, I realized why people cheat. It is for attention. Let me say again, I would not cheat, EVER...I really believe a lot of people find others outside the marriage for attention. I guess I would say our marriage has gotten stale. Also, I will say that yes marriage changes over the years. My husband has many more hobbies and interests then he did over 10 yrs ago when we first got married. I use to be sad about all of this. Now though,I understand why people look elsewhere whether it be in a bar(Which I have not gone in one since I was single)or on the internet.I do not know if people would agree about the attention thing. It is just one of the conclusions I have drawn in those minutes before I fall asleep.

By Kaye on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 09:21 am:

I do think it is the normal cycle of a marriage to become stale. I think the key is recognizing and and then taking action.

Why do most people have affairs? It may be the attention, but I have to say I don't think most people go seeking an affair. But life is dull, so they want a new hobby, they pick it up and things happen. For example I am a tennis player. I played avidly in high school and college (about 4 hours a day). I quit when I got enngaged, then came kids, etc. I got the opportunity nearly 3 years ago to join a team. It has been great, boy have I missed it. What an amazing place to feel important and needed (which face it our hubby's aren't good at doing that for us, and us for them). I play twice a week and have a coach once a week. Well the coach is a male. I adore him, he has helped me so much, I find him very funny. IF he were to approach me, I can see where that line would be blurry for some. I guard against it, because I know human nature. I would never go out to lunch with just the two of us (sometimes he goes with the team). I don't get huggy with him, etc. I am amazed at the women on my team who do have a much more intimate experience with him. Which is fine as long as his intentions are fine. Anyway my point it, it wasn't that I was seeking attention from someone, but I was seeking for something to do, as was the rest of my team. I think that people don't guard themselves enough, or think that no one would be interested (a great sign of low self esteem) and they end up in situations they never would have imagined.

For women I doubt most affairs start in a bar, they tend to be in our daily lives, people who have been helpful to us or just show that little extra ounce of care.

By Sandysmom on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 09:28 am:

Anon, I do understand. It is very hard for people who live with each other every day to make each day interesting, or exciting, or romantic for their partner. Personally, I think men just run out of ideas and also, for some men, there is a contented security they like, my DH calls it the comfy old sock feeling. I call it not wanting to step out of your comfort zone and looking for ways to be romantic with your wife. Also, TV is a big thing for DH, and I sometimes wish it was never invented. It is a big attention stealer. Have a talk with him and ask him if he feels the same way you do. Maybe he is waiting for you to be romantic first(men like women to be aggressor for some reason) and when he can no longer hold out for sex, then he just goes to bed early with you. I have just learned to be realistic. Very few men will say, "Honey, lets turn off the TV and have some wine and just talk and whatever else happens." I would love it if DH did that. Just a suggestion, once a week, or more, depending on how early your kids go to bed, let DH know that the two of you are having a "special" dinner tonight after the kids go to bed. And have some wine and just try to make it a good night if you know what I mean. Another suggestion, just tell him that you want him to be the one to make a romantic setting once in a while and give him suggestions. Again, i know how you feel. I will be taking my own advice this weekend. JMHO :) Good luck sweetie :)

By Sandysmom on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 09:33 am:

Ater re-reading this, I found a line that might be offensive. What I meant was, maybe he is waiting for you and you are waiting for him. It happens to my DH & I too. No offense meant. :)

By Tripletmom on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 09:35 am:

Most experts agree that in the child rearing ages is where divorce is highest.We are so preoccupied with raising the kids that the adults forget about alone time for themselves.Everyone gets off track with there marriages and thinking before bed like yourself is sometimes a wake up call to do some changes and freshen it up.We've all been there but like you I'd never cheat,they're certain boundries you dont cross.My DH and I just started playing cribbage again at night I dont want to get into the routine of kids,TV and bed its too easy to do and thats where things go stale.My DH and I usually always go to bed together which can make a difference in a busy family where you have no time to connect as husband and wife.

By Conni on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 10:02 am:

OK, I am in the opposite boat. lol My dh follows me to bed and wont go to bed until he has found me in the house and *let me know it's our bedtime*... ;) Then after we get to bed he wants to talk about his day (again), talk about tomorrow, talk about the weekend... blah blah blah Then after all that sometimes he wants to get intimate. I am so darn tired when I go to bed I just want to go to SLEEP!!!!!!!! Many nights I pretend to be falling asleep while he is talking so that he will be quiet. Isnt that mean? :( HAving said all that- I do actually like and appreciate this about my dh. lol If that makes any sense at all. I also like that he wants to do things by ourself from time to time with no kids. I rarely plan to do things without the kids and he has to point out to me that it might be a good thing to try it. ha

My ex husband and I never went to bed at the same time and he was not good at paying attention to me or wanting to do much as a family. He wanted to come to bed at midnight when I was asleep, we were only intimate when he wanted to be and that wasnt very often, then he would get up very early leave for work, then go do his own thing (hunting with his buddies or fishing with his buddies, etc... in the evenings and on weekends). Talk about being lonely!!! I was very lonely and could have easily been sucked into an affair if some male had come along and given me the attention / companionship I was craving.

So, I can certainly see it from both sides!!

By Trina~moderator on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 10:28 am:

I do think it is the normal cycle of a marriage to become stale. I think the key is recognizing it and then taking action.

Ditto Kaye! A happy marriage doesn't just happen. It requires maintenance, so to speak. :) JMHO, but if a partner is feeling lonely and/or needs attention he/she needs to take steps to seek out their partner and reflame the spark, NOT seek attention elsewhere.

By Conni on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 11:39 am:

oops- I should probably add that in my case with my ex husband, I *did* try to tell him repeatedly what I needed/liked/wanted/ etc... He would literally tell me 'That's too bad, because this is the way I am!' lol He told me on numerous occassions if I thought I could find somebody better then him to go find him. He was a real loving guy!! NOT! LOL We went to counseling and he said he wasnt going to change and/or didnt care what the counselor said. argh Frustrating.

Doesnt sound like you are married to someon like that anon! Thank goodness. And I do agree a normal marraige has its ups and downs. MArraige is work. EVERYDAY.

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 02:37 pm:

I usually go to bed by myself, because DH works until 1am, or later and with getting up with the kids in the morning at 6, I just can't stay up that late.

So, then on the weekends, when he does want to go to bed together, it seems weird! LOL! I would rather go to bed by myself and then he come to bed later, because if I fall asleep first, the snoring doesn't bother me as much.

With him working second shift, though, we get alone time in the morning, when the kids are in school! I miss it during the summers! Although, we are usually awake before the kids, so we still get it sometimes.

I love having older kids, because it is easier to get time to spend together, since you don't need a babysitter anymore.

By Anonymous on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 07:07 pm:

Conni-I think it is sweet your husband follows you to bed, and wants to talk and do whatever LOL...I guess we always find the other side more appealing. I would love for my husband to come snuggle in bed with me and watch tv at night. My husbands hobbies at night are either tinkering with a car, or on the computer, things I could not really particpate in.

By Nicki on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 08:03 pm:

My husband and I kind of go our own ways after our dd goes to bed. It's not that we are upset with each other, more that we are both introverts, and it is sometimes the only time we get time to be alone! I am with my dd all day, he is with people all day at work. We both spend quality time with our daughter once he is home. Often I use the time to catch up on housework and other jobs as well. Once in awhile he and I will sit and watch a movie together once our dd is in bed, but I'm usually too tired. And if I'm not, I often prefer some quiet time in our room reading etc, and he enjoys having quiet time on the computer, etc. I suppose this isn't the best thing for our relationship, but too much together time isn't either, lol. We try to make up for it on the weekends with some good family time.

Anon, I also wanted to say I agree with your thinking that one reason people seek affairs is for attention. My husband has never been one to compliment me unless I sort of hint for one. I wore a new outfit on Easter, and I would have been so happy if he had noticed. I even complimented him on how he looked that day saying he looked "handsome" (and he did), but he didn't return the compliment to me. I don't think it occurs to him how important it is, to me. We all want to feel appreciated. And what better way than to become involved with someone else and receive that initial attention. I would not engage in an affair. Yet, I understand. Sadly it's short lived, and reality hits, and even affairs lose their luster. At least this is how I see it. Instead I try to relay to my dh how I feel, and what I need to feel appreciated and special to him. This is usually enough to help him see where I am coming from with my feelings. But he still seems to need hints and reminders!

Anon, do you think you could reach your dh by talking about this with him? Does he know how you are feeling about your relationship?

By Cat on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 10:12 pm:

Dh and I usually 'veg' together on the couch watching tv at night. There are some nights though that we do our own thing. Like tonight--he's on his laptop in the bedroom watching tv and I'm in the dining room catching up on here and watching tv with the boys. Now he will come to bed when I go to bed. He sits there playing on his laptop or palm or watching tv. Sometimes I wish he'd just let me go to bed, though! lol Sometimes it's hard to go to sleep with his light on, the tv on and the "click-click-click" of his keyboard. I think that's what he thinks is normal, though. For years his dad would lay in bed and read until the wee hours of the morning while his mom went to sleep. It's gotten to be too much for her, though and now she sleeps in the guest room (and fil snores! lol). Hopefully if it ever gets that bad with us I'll just tell him it bothers me and he'll listen. It's a nice thought. :)

Anon, I'm sorry things aren't ideal. I hope things get better. Hugs.

By Karen~moderator on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 12:39 pm:

Ditto Kaye & Trina!!!

By Anonymous on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 02:08 pm:

Here's an experience I just had!
Let me preface this by saying, I have an incredible husband, he loves me unconditionally, through weight gain, wicked hormone problems, 4 kids, business issues, messy house, all of it, he tells me every day how much he loves all of us etc etc etc! We don't watch TV at night or get on the computer, we go to bed about the same time each night and are very happy and satisfied in our marraige!

About a month ago I came home from girls night out and he just stared at me and said I was stunning, not a word he had used before that I remembered. His face was so sincere, it was a great moment, and he was not even trying to get lucky as i was mid-cycle:)

Fast forward til 2 weeks ago, I was in CA on business, and had the assignment of "playing it forward" with this balloon at a evening event. So I randomly walked up to this fella, about my age, wearing a baseball cap and jeans, not outstanding by any means, and gave him this balloon, his first words out of his mouth were "You are the most stunning woman in the room" What? Me? No way! But that word again made me think a lot! I really didn't appreciate it when dh said it too me, I thought it was nice but when this complete stranger said it, it floored me!
I guess the point in this is, that things can happen like Kaye's tennis teacher, and this guy, but how we use it is what matters, I came home full of love and gratitude for my husband still finding me "hot" after all of these years, and this strangers statement affirmed that maybe I'm not the frumpy, tired mom, overworked business owner that I feel like am. And that I do want attention, but I get plenty at home, I just need to listen and as said above take action. I can really see a pattern of him wanting attention and me not giving it, than me wanting and him not giving and eventually no one tries anymore.
The advice I would give is: just give him some attention since you are noticing the problem, give it with love and no expectations, compliment him and to to whoever said dh works on cars and she can't get involved, sure you can just go hang out with him!

I'm going anon because I did not tell my hubby this story, although he has reaped some rewards of having a "more proud" wife:)


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