Ugh... a small vent... kind of?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive April 2006:
Ugh... a small vent... kind of?
I dont really know if this is a vent or I am just thinking outloud so to speak. I am going to go anon. But many of you will know who I am.
I just got home from my ds bday dinner. He is prek age. He has a half brother that is almost 24yo. And I am married to their Dad. Half brother shows up for ds bday dinner with no gift and never told him Happy Birthday. He hasnt seen him in almost a year now. I think July was the last time they saw each other. The only reason he came down (20 min drive) for his dinner was because he needed his Dad to look at his tax paperwork before he mailed them off. Gee, nothing like waiting til the last minute on your taxes.
So during the dinner I hear them talking about how he enjoyed his stay at dh's cabin with his friend ( i am thinking girlfriend? but didnt catch that). Not a big deal for him to go out- but dh never mentioned to me that anyone was going out. I mean usually when you are married you just talk and tell whats going on. I like to call it communicating.
I am not really mad about anything so this isnt really a vent. It's just that I think I will always feel disappointed by dh and by the adult child who couldnt care less that he has a living breathing sibling that would love to worship the ground he walks on if he would give the kid the time of day. The adult child was going on and on about how he couldnt afford to go to the doctor for a major gash to his forehead and nose after a canoeing trip. He got hit by a tree or something? Anyway, I dont know why he couldnt call and ask for money OR do what I did when I was 24- go to the doctor and pay the bill out in small monthly pymts until its paid off. Good grief!! How do people raise young men to be like this? Dh didnt invite his Mama to come for the dinner. I dont know if maybe she is out of town or she just chose not to come. She is another who has nothing to do with us. OK, I know she is home because she sent me a FWD email/junk mail today. She never called to tell the kid happy birthday. I dont know why I expect anything out of a grandma? Why do I let myself get disappointed? I know better then to expect any acknowledgement that the child exists. argh
I guess its true narcissist breeds narcissist. OR however they say that. LOL
Thank goodnesss for my family! They arent perfect, but atleast they care.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings.
I'd cut the adult kids from the 1st family a break because it's hard to see your mom or dad leave you and have a 2nd family with someone else.
Girl, are you really surprised??? It's been like this for years. I don't think your dss is going to change (neither is your dh). Hugs
NO!! Cat, I am not surprised at all. LOL I guess it just helps to come here go anon and get it off my chest, ya know? I do fantasize that they will change someday. HA HA HA
Mommmie, I am afraid there times when you can cut the adult kids a break and there are times when their behavior as an adult is simply unacceptable, no matter what tattered family they come from. It's pretty sad when my 12 yo ds can point out the rudeness and disrepect that takes place when this adult child is around... I dont think this is your typical blended family members. Long story...
My Mom actually said something to him tonight and I nearly fainted. lol I was very glad. A friend of mine at the table was like 'OMG, I totally get what you go thru w/ him now'.
It's hard to explain it on this message board.
Well, IMO, the keyword here is *Adult* child. As a blended family parent, I know there is a whole host of issues that the *first family kids* experience. HOWEVER - despite whatever this adult child may be feeling (jealousy, hurt, envy, anger, apathy), there is nothing you can do to change him, but you CAN change how you react to him. Stop expecting anything from him and as cold as it sounds, your DS shouldn't expect anything from him either.
As a 24 y/o, he should be able to take care of himself. And I am living proof that no matter how hard you try, and how good of a parenting job you *think* you may have done, sometimes you have an adult child who is *less than responsible*. I am going through some things with Jeff (age 22) right now, and he is learning his lessons through Tough Love on my part.
I do agree that there should be communication between you and your DH, particularly when use of a property is concerned. And I also think you should have a discussion with your DH and if not agree on, then at least be aware of what his intentions are when it comes to helping out his oldest DS.
The thing is, it's easy to say that an adult child is just that - an adult - and should be able to fend for themselves. But as parents, it's much harder to NOT want to help them when they need it. BUT - there's a fine line between help and enabling, and there's also a point where you stop expecting someone who clearly has no interest in interacting as part of a family to do so, so for your own peace of mind, you should just accept that he doesn't want to be a part of YOUR family in the sense that you hoped he would.
I guess its true narcissist breeds narcissist. OR however they say that. LOL
That seems to hit it on the head for me. As I was reading your first post, it occurred to me that your dh and his mom are very self absorbed, and the half bro has turned out the same way. At least with you being aware of that, you can compensate for it and be sure that your ds doesn't turn out that way. (Although keep in mind that the 1/2 bro IS only 24- and he has a lot of maturing to do yet. If/when he really grows up, he may come to desire a relationship with your ds.)
As much as it hurts you, and as difficult as it will be, you must get the fantasies out of your head. You didn't marry into a loving caring attentive family and the sooner you stop fighting it and trying to change it the easier it will be.
It's sort of like pounding on the wall expecting it to turn into a window. You can pound all you want, but it's not gonna happen.
If your dh tends to support his first ds more than he should for an adult, it could be out of a sense of guilt that he didn't provide an intact home for him. It is common.
I wish you luck and lots of love.
OMG... I could have written that post. Only my DSS is 17, but there is still a complete lack of concern for anyone but himself! Yes, the difference between 17 and 24 is HUGE, but, it's all in the way a child is raised, IMO!
My DSS came to my DD's birthday party with nothing, not even a card! Ate a whole pizza, and then plopped down so no one else could sit! But, same as you, I'm not surprised or shocked! This is the same kid who has shown up for the last eight (count them 8) Christmas' with a class picture of himself in the cheapest of frames as a gift for the WHOLE FAMILY! The first few years, my DH took the higher road and still took the boy out to buy his mother a "proper" gift, which, she, of course, took... knowing my DH took him shopping for AND paid for. Yet she still had no problem sending that yearly picture! ARGGGGG!!!!
As a product of a broken family myself, it irks me even more. My mother always took me to buy my father AND his wife proper gifts for all evens, and when I got my first job (at 16), she made sure *I* did my own shopping. So, as I said, it's all in the up-bringing!
I remember when my oldest was about 3 yrs old, it was about a week after Christmas and my dh grown children from his 1st marriage came for a visit. His oldest has 3 children. So we had gifts for everyone, it looked like Santa had come all over again. Well my 3 yr old had already had his Christmas and I didn't think to save anything back for him. Everyone was opening presents and the grandkids were opening all the toys we got for them and my little one came up to me and said "where are my presents mommy". Now I know its not the presents that matter, but to a 3 yr old it did!! They could have stopped at the dollar store and picked him up a little car or something, I was fuming!!
As for as "cutting the adult children a break" There comes a time when adults need to act like adults and be responsible for their own actions. That includes not hurting a 3 yr old just to spite the fact that their dad found happiness for himself!
You know what, I have to go back and correct myself or this is going to bug me! LOL I have to add that my mil did send my ds an online birthday card 3 weeks ago!!! I am not sure why she sent it so early? Guess she doesnt know when his bday is? But I deleted it on accident when I was cleaning up email. I had about 400 emails to clean up after being gone for 2 weeks. So I didnt even get to show it to him. Thats the first card she has sent him in yrs. She sent him a card and $5 for his 1st bday. Last yr she happened to be visiting us around the time of his bday (she hadnt moved here at that time) and she gave him a used Matchbox car. They had been to some flea markets and I think she got it there? My family just has a really hard time understanding her. LOL One of my friends was here the day ds came in the house with the little car and said it was for his bday and my friend was shocked as well. She felt it was very rude of the Grandmother to give him a 25 cent used dirty car. She does not do my sil kids this way. When ds was born she gave him a size 4T camo sweatshirt!!!! He was born in APRIL and was wearing a 3 mos. LOL It's kind of funny. She gave my stepson a Big Mouth Bass singing fish that you hang on the wall for his graduation?? I was like 'What are you going to do with that?' DSS:'I have no idea' LOL He left it at our house on purpose and never asked for it back. I felt hurt for him. Graduating isnt a joke. Its a time for someone to show you how proud they are of you and encourage you on your next journey in life. She could have given him money, phone card to take to college, a plaque that read how proud she was of her grandson??? I dont know... Amazing!
I am thinking about sending her a bday card 3 weeks early? What do you think? ROFL I'm awful.
I guess I don't understand this expectation that you will receive adequate gifts from particular people.
When this 24-year-old gets married his wife will assume the gift giving responsibilities as most wives do - and there's a reason for that. Men often aren't very good at it.
You're right I don't know the whole story. It does seem like your expectations are unrealistic considering the individuals involved and what you already know about them.
Life is to short to let ignorant people wreck you're day.My OWN mother visited my boys 2 weeks ago.Didnt really bother with them.Wanted a picture to show off to her friends.Before this visit she hasnt seen them since September.She's just not into kids or anything.She wasnt a very good mother so I shouldnt expect to much.She didnt call at Christmas or DD birthday.Shes just ignorant.Some people just have no class and I dont think you can make them change.I'd rather e-mail my mother pics of the kids because its just gotten so uncomfortable when shes here.She doesnt work and lives 20 minutes away from me and never once has asked if I needed help with the boys knowing that I'm by myself most days with them.Thank God for MIL's she a gem.