Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive April 2006:
I am going Anon on this for personal reasons.
My DSD and I don't mean darlingIs right back into her drug scene, has been for a while now. She went to rehab twice already and its just not working.
She was living with her Mom and now has moved out because Mom has took the car off her and will give her no more money. She is 23 and just thinks that she can not live without heroin! Everyone is just so disgusted. My DH cries because after losing a son to drugs you would think DSD would be smarter then this.
Maybe the best approach to this at this time is none. We have tried everything and so has her Mom.
She is moving from one house to another with her boyfriend now, who is also a druggie.
I just had to vent about this because she is not only destroying her own life but all of ours with her addiction.
I feel bad for my 2 kids her 1/2 brother and sister, because they miss not seeing her and ask about her all the time. But they are probably better off right now not seeing her.
Any advice how any of you would handle this??
Ok thanks for letting me vent. Most of you probably know who I am but just wanted to go Anon. Hope thats ok.
(((Anon)))) A lady in my church went through this and she said the best thing she ever did was joining a support group for parents whose children are drug-involved. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I know who you are. No advice. Lots of hugs. I have a cousin the same age with the same problem. It breaks my heart to see him this way, and to see what it is doing to his family. It's a horrible, horrible drug. Try and take things one day at a time.
I do know who you are and my heart breaks for you. Two words - TOUGH LOVE! Do NOT give her anything. The younger kids do not need to be exposed to her while she is in this condition. For that matter, neither do the rest of you.
You could attempt an intervention, but it appears she is not ready to give up the drug. For an intervention to succeed, the person needs to be able to admit they have a problem and agree - on their own - to seek the help they need. The intervention is basically to let them know that they have friends/family who care and will support their efforts, for the friends/family to tell them how their actions have negatively affected and hurt them, and to encourage them to get the help they need. Doesn't sound like she is ready for that.
Unfortunately, very often these kids/adults go through rehab more than once before it *takes*. BTDT with oldest DD. But also very often, once they finally get clean, they STAY clean. It's a life-long battle too. The reason behind this drug use (abuse) is the emotional pain she is in and THAT is the root of her problem. She will continue to *self medicate* until she has gone to therapy and dealt with her issues. Only then, will she stop trying to dull her pain with drugs.
As hard as it is, and as much as I know you are all hurting so much from this, I would just tell her that she is choosing to destroy her life, but you will not allow her to destroy yours. Tell her that when she decides she is ready to change and commit to getting help you will drive her to the rehab center, but that she cannot come to your house and she cannot see her younger siblings in her condition. Tell her you will NOT give her any money or material things (which they usually sell for money for the drugs). Assure her that you love her and that you understand she is in serious emotional pain, but that you cannot support the way she's dealing with it. Assure her you will support her when she decides to get clean.
Anon, this is the hardest thing in the world to do, and I KNOW it from experience. I know you live with the constant fear that she will overdose and yes, possibly even die from it. But the bottom line is, you cannot fix her. She has to fix herself. The only option you DO have is to report her as a danger to herself, and she can be committed for like 72 hours. In some areas, you call your local coroner to do that. In others, I'm not sure who you call. You can start making some calls to find out if you want to. But you need to realize, that even if you do that and she is on a 72 hour hold, she'll go through detox in those 72 hours, but unless she decides SHE has had enough and wants to deal with her issues and straighten out, she will go right back out there and start this cycle again.
Nothing more I can add, except I truly understand what you are going through, and I truly understand and know it is tearing you up inside. Email me if you want to, OK?
OH - find a local Al-Anon chapter and go to the meetings with your DH!!!!!!!! At least YOU will have a support group!
(((((big time hugs!))))
From your post I'm pretty sure I know who you are. If you would like to email me at Truestori @ adelphia dot net I may be able to offer some advice and help.
TAke care, and many ehugs!
Ditto Karen-She couldn't have said it any better.I'm sorry youre going through this.(((HUGS)))
I'm sorry I don't have any great advise for you, but I can offer lots of ehugs and my thoughts and prayers. I know it's been really tough for your family these past couple years since you lost you dss. Sounds like your dsd is not dealing with it well, either. More hugs
((((HUGS))) I do know who you are, and I just want you to know that you and your DH are doing the right thing, she cannot be allowed into your lives (and the lives of your other children) until she CHOOSES to get clean. It's painful, I know this, but you cannot force her to help herself. Many, MANY hugs to you.
Definitely, you and dh need a support group, to be with other parents who have gone through (and are still going through) the same thing. No one else will really understand or can speak the same language.
And, I hate to say it, but get your house door locks rekeyed. If she has a house key - and she may have one you don't know about - the sad fact of life is that addicts steal to support their habit. And they are more likely to steal from family and friends because they can do it more easily and they think (if they are thinking) that there is less risk the victim will call the police. I had a neighbor whose oldest son cleaned out her TV, VCR, all her electronics, jewelry, and small appliances while she was at work. Re-keying means either the locksmith comes to your house, temporarily removes the locks, and changes the pins so that the old keys don't work and gives you new keys. If dh is handy, he can remove the locks himself and take them to the locksmith. I have done that myself, so I think almost anyone can do it. Rekeying is a whole lot cheaper than getting new locks, and taking the locks to the locksmith is cheaper than having the locksmith come out. And, if you don't have solid double-bolt locks on all doors - the kind that require a key from the inside to unlock, as well as the outside - but have those little doorknob locks that just have a locking knob on the inside, get double-bolt locks. They do a much better job at any time, and are a lot harder to circumvent.
And, you have my deepest sympathy and my prayers. This is one of a parent's worst nightmares, to watch your child doing such terrible things to herself and not being able to do anything about it.
No advice--haven't been down that particular road.
But huge hugs and prayers coming your way.
Thanks everyone. I am just so besides myself with her. Will she ever learn. She talked to DH on the phone yesterday when I was out and said she stopped doing drugs, do I believe that, NOT at all. She is just playing her little games again to see what she will get if she says she is no longer doing drugs.
I know she could not have given up the heroin that quickly.
Ginny, we did all of what you mentioned because we do not trust her at all. Its hard for DH but he knows what she is capable of.
She said she wants to visit us for Easter if DH will pick her up. Honestly and maybe I am wrong I don't want her to visit because it always creates more problems. And it will be the same old whinning, no car , no money.
She told DH that with her bartending job she has saved up $1700. I am sure its another lie. And she said she was going to see her Mom yesterday to give her money to put in the bank. So I will have to see if she went to her Mom. If she has that money its probably from selling drugs.
Once again Thanks and I will keep you all updated.
Is she in NA or any other kind of support group? I agree with you that you need to be cautious until you can be sure she is clean, but it *is* possible to give up drugs that quickly. I wouldn't allow her to visit until she can show proof of treatment and ongoing support, or clean drug tests.
I have no advice.
We are friends with a grandmother/grandchild who was going through the same thing.
She was sent to a juvenile boot camp. When she got out she went wild. Stole from her grandmother money and car. In jail 3 times before the age of 21. 3 drug rehabs. Homeless several times. Then she went to a Christian rehab that made her get her own apartment (very tiny). Her grandmother and dad were enablers and are. There is a fine line. It is tough, stressful and painful all the way around.
They have to want to stop and at some point some do.
She is at this point at the age of 22. She has gotten her GED and works at Dairy Queen. She has no car and very little money but she has proven to herself she doesn't need drugs, guys or a lot of money. She just needs to know she is able to do it. BTW she is also bipolar.
My prayers go out to all of you and especially to her that she will one day know and understand she does not need this in her life.
You are not wrong, just stay strong and be there mentally for her when she needs it.