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Friday is the day

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Friday is the day
By Anonymous on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 11:20 am:

My husband goes in for his vasectomy. I have known this for 3 1/2 weeks now and I have been fine with it. I actually haven't thought much about it because we've already decided that we don't want any more kids. I don't know if it's because AF arrived a few days ago or what but I feel sad lately. Like i'm mourning the idea of never having another baby, although I know I don't want another one. Maybe because this is the definite 100% route of no going back? I feel like i'm sad for my husband too. He doesn't seem concerned about it but I feel bad for him because it's almost like he's losing a part of himself. I know I probably don't make sense but I just have to get it off my chest. I'm ready for the next stage of life, I just feel a sense of loss as we leave the baby stage behind. :(

By Annie2 on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 12:06 pm:

I just had a conversation about this same issue yesterday with my dh's cousin, who is having her fourth child. I had told her a few years back that she will know in her heart how many babies will be right for her. I told her this story:

Years ago, when I only had the three girls, a highschool friend, had three kids the same ages, as mine. She was done having more children...she felt it...on the otherhand I did not have that same feeling. We talked about it, surrounded by our babies.

You know in your heart your family is fulfilled and complete. Dh had a vasectomy after our son was born. I had gone through four pregnancies, for vaginal births. I did not want to mess with my hormones by having my tubes tied. "I" also had the mindset that I wasn't going to be "put out to pasture" after all of my hard work...if that makes sense? (not to offend anyone, of course)

I still have baby pangs once in a while...but after sitting for a newborn last weekend, I know we made the right decision.

Be sure to have your dh buy a bag of frozen peas...he'll need them! :)

By Jackie on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 01:04 pm:

I was sad when my husband had a vasectomy as well. He had it done 3 months after our last one was born. I never encouraged him or discouraged him. I always "knew" when he "thought" we were done having kids, he would get it done. I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling the baby kicking..Although I have 3 healthy kids, I always felt if I were younger I could easily have more.

By Breann on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 01:21 pm:

((((hugs)))) My DH had the big "V" about 4 weeks ago. I felt pretty sentimental as the day approached. But we are completely comfortable with not having any more kids. I don't have that "what if" feeling at all. Now that it's over with, I feel like we've passed a milestone in life. We won't ever have babies again. It makes me feel like we are getting old to be past that point in life.

My last pregnancy was terribly difficult for me, so that helps with the "never again" side of things.

By Kaye on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 02:24 pm:

LOL my husband had his scheduled for 2 months after my yougnest was born. Day of, I went with him, and 10 minutes after getting there had a meltdown and he walked out. We just weren't ready. He did have it done 5 years later. We did try to have a 4th in that time frame and didn't end up getting pg. So decided that it was time to make a permanent decision.

By Jackie on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 02:49 pm:

Sometimes I feel like the odd one on this subject. I know so many people whose husbands had a vasectomy and the wife is perfectly happy. I was not happy my husband had it done, and its been 4 yrs now. Although I wasn't happy, I knew he would do it anyways, so there was never any arguement. Honestly, I could picture myself with 5 kids. Unfortunately I started having babies at 30 and now I am 44. I have often wished the vasectomy had failed over the years. I think after this long, it won't fail.LOL

By Cat on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 02:49 pm:

My dh had a vasectomy when our youngest was 5. Even on the way to the clinic I told him, "I guess if we want more we can always adopt." It's been 8 years now since he had it done and I guess it worked because we never had any problem getting pregnant (staying pregnant was the problem), even though he never did go have his sperm count checked. I still wonder what it'd be like to have an "oops!" :)

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 04:47 pm:

My childbearing years are almost over with, since menopause can't be too much farther away. I'm 48, and will be 49 in March. My periods still come monthly, like clockwork. Someday, it will slow down. Right?

We are both still intact, so still use birth control religiously. No more babies, at this age. I'm happy with the number of kids we have, and am now looking forward to grandchildren someday.

By Karen~admin on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 06:40 pm:

My X wanted to have a vasectomy IMMEDIATELY after Jeff came home from the hospital. I cannot put into words how that made me feel. For one thing, it was a very difficult pregnancy, then he spent a week in the NICU, and had a lot of health issues his first 3 years. I was devastated that he would even THINK or TALK about doing it at that time. I told him that it simply was NOT the right time to discuss doing anything so permanent.

When Jeff was around 7 months old I got pregnant with Jen - totally unplanned pregnancy. Lots of mixed feelings at the time - mostly on *his* part, and it was very hurtful - he kept saying he *should have had the V when he had wanted to, etc., etc.* (Of course, she's always been *his* baby girl since then. LOL)

*I* was actually secretly thrilled because I knew in my heart it was the last baby I'd get to have. With him, anyway. And as it turned out I had endometriosis, fibroids, adenomyosis, etc., and had pre-eclampsia with both pregnancies and both babies came early.

Anyway, long story - even when he DID have the V when Jen was a few years old, I felt a sense of loss or something, because it was final. And a few years after that, after we'd divorced and I had to have a hysterectomy, I felt a tremendous sense of loss because I knew then that I'd never be able to have another child - not that I really wanted one at that point, or even expected to ever be in the position to have another one - it was more like a feeling of there is no going back now.

But my long, over-written point to this (LOL!) is it's natural to feel loss, or to grieve over it - it's a permanent (usually) decision, it removes your option - and there's something about just *knowing* you have that option IF you decide you want another child that gives you some sort of inner peace.

I don't know your age or how many children you already have - but regardless, allow yourself to feel sad and mourn the loss of the OPTION of having more kids. It's OK to do that! Don't be hard on yourself. And regarding your DH's reaction or feelings - I honestly think it's a *guy* thing - they don't have those feelings *we* do about having babies and feeling a loss that the option is no longer there - at least, in my experience, *most* of them don't.

Have you talked to him about how you're feeling?

I suspect that once this is behind you, once you've allowed yourself to mourn this *loss*, you will be happy, and as you said, move into the next stage of life.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

By Conni on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 11:01 pm:

I LOVED that my ex-dh had a V !!!!!! No more birth control or condoms makes for some reallyyy fun times. :) Hopefully I will find another man who has had a V. ;) I think I'll put that on my questionaire I have them fill out before the first date.

I don't remember ever being sad. I had two gorgeous, healthy boys, he had one son from his previous marriage. We knew we did not want more. He had a V, one month before we were married. Four months later I was pregnant. oops. The doctor screwed up!!! I had boy number 3 for me (who happens to be the most awesome kid EVER!) and dh went in to have the V done correctly. :) Talk about some worry free s e x.

(((Hugs))) It will be ok.

By Wandilu on Thursday, November 13, 2008 - 12:06 am:

Believe it or not, sometimes, at the age of 55,I sometimes get a little sad about the fact that I can't still bare a child.Not that I would won't to at this age, but it's the fact that that part of my life is over.I had a hysterectomy at 32,but I had 3 children, and really felt that I was done.Then I met my now DH 4 yrs later, and eventually wished so much that we could have a child together.So did he.Thats one reason why we enjoy all of our 11 grandchildren so much ( although we don't get to see the oldest ones much anymore because they are in different states).That reminds me...I have an announcement to make...on a new thread...

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, November 13, 2008 - 12:12 am:

Well, what's the "announcement?????"

You're teasing us, but I just refrehsed and didn't see a new post, except for LaTonya's!

By Mara on Thursday, November 13, 2008 - 09:48 am:

I was a little sad when my dh had his vasectomy 5 years ago, even though I did'nt want more kids the thought of never being pregnant again made me sad. Well, here we are 5 years later, and I'm 35 weeks pregnant!! So, vasectomys aren't 100% effective! More like 99.9% LOL I never wanted the procedure to fail, I never wanted more, but God had different plans for us. I want this baby now, but it took several months of being upset for me to get onboard with the idea. I'm getting a tubal this time. I really hope it works! LOL But again, nothing is 100%. A lady I work with had her son AFTER her tubal, so I guess when you are meant to have another kid it will happen reguardless of your precautions! LOL

Mara

By Anonymous on Thursday, November 13, 2008 - 12:05 pm:

Your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. I guess these feelings are pretty normal. I think I will feel a relief when the procedure is done. A friend of mine made me feel a bit sad saying that she is sad that we are done having kids. She has more than we do, and thinks we should have more. I don't know why. She never got her boy before her husband had his procedure though and I know she thinks about it often. She didn't want to take that 50% chance though in getting pregnant again.

Thank you again. I hope tomorrow will bring some peace once the decision is done and final.


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