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Need to vent or cry--Inlaws at again-- LONG--Sorry!

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2004: Need to vent or cry--Inlaws at again-- LONG--Sorry!
By Yjja123 on Monday, June 28, 2004 - 05:05 pm:

Ok if you remember my inlaws are the oh so sweet ones that came here in April and (on my husband's birthday) and screamed and yelled that we had not attended each & every party for sister in laws 2nd wedding. They live 4 hours away. I wish it were even further.
My sons birthday in May passed without a phone call from them.
Well, we got through the wedding without fighting & without making issue of any of the mean things they did. Trust me they did plenty...excluded me from pictures, didn't give my daughter (flower girl)a gift yet made a point of giving one to every one in wedding party in front of her, to just name a few top ones.
We survived it. We took the high road. When they didn't call on my son's birthday we acted as though we didn't notice (just so darn sick of fighting!) Ok so it was 1 week before father's day so we took hubbys dad his gift and card and gave it to him IN PERSON and wished a happy father's day.
On father's day we sent him an egreeting card wishing him a happy day.
In the mail we receive a letter from hubby's mom to him telling him he is a poor excuse for a son. Was it to much to ask that he take 5 minutes out of his oh so busy day to call his father? A gift and card BOUGHT BY YOUR WIFE is not good enough its not her dad its yours etc-etc-etc.
I responded---I know, I know stupid right? I say that hubby did do gift/card/etc and how dare she complain about a phone call when she did not call her grandson on his birthday. I said
her son was not any of the names she called him. He is a warm loving man. I worded my email very carefully never calling her names.
It hit the fan! The crude, rude emails that have been sent are beyond believable. This from a 76 year old woman! I give up. The most ridiculous of it all is she thinks she is right and we are these horrible people who think everyone has a conspiracy against us? What?????
I no longer want a relationship with them. My children do not need these people for grandparents. My husband doesn't want to have anything to do with them when they are argueing (basically all the time). So I know the answer is distance and as much as possible. I get that.
My whole point of this very long story is I feel so bad for my husband. My hubby is the most kind warm loving man there is. He truly is one of those guys that will give you the shirt off his back. Anyone who knows him loves him (except his family!) I just don't get it? How does a family end up so messed up? Thier daughter (who has divorced, moved home a few times, has financially strapped them) can do no wrong and their son (who is happily married going on 11 years now, successful and lived on his own for 19 years) can do no right! It just sickens me!
Please tell me how to let this go.
Please tell me how to make my hubby know their failure to realize how wonderful he is
is their loss not his.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Yvonne

By Coopaveryben on Monday, June 28, 2004 - 05:40 pm:

((Yvonne))

I wish there was a way to just let things go but I think time is what it takes. Eventually you will think less and less about it. If your husband is in agreement with you just delete the e-mails and stop reading them. Hang up or don't answer when they start calling.

As far as your DH all you can do is keep telling him how wonderful he is.

I hope you guys are able to find peace with this situation it's such a difficult one. Best of Luck!

By Happynerdmom on Monday, June 28, 2004 - 05:47 pm:

Yvonne, you're right. You have to distance yourself from these people. They are dysfunctional with a capital "D." They are rude, selfish people who are not concerned with their son's happiness. Who knows why some people act the way they do. The point is, YOU don't have to put up with it, especially if your dh is okay with distancing himself from his parents. Your dh knows they are messed up. You can just build him up as much as you can, and tell him that you are glad for who he is DESPITE them. You are the most important person in his life, now. It's your opinion that matters, not theirs.
BTW, doesn't it make you want to be the best parents ever? I know my dh has a real jerk for a father, and it just spurs him on more to be the best father he can be.

By Truestori on Monday, June 28, 2004 - 08:35 pm:

Yvonne,

I have met many people that are "needy" and they seem to fit this profile. They want their son to need them, they love the drama. Look who they accept with open arms... His sister who has had many incidents where they can "rescue her." It is sick to think this is how some families thrive. You are doing the right things to help your family. Remind your husband that his family is with him and his extended family will continue this sick cycle without him! Its not his fault and the only thing to do is release the burden that these people are putting on your marriage. I wish you the best of luck in your decisions :)

By Tink on Monday, June 28, 2004 - 08:38 pm:

Yvonne, what a terrible way for your dh to be treated! That is a horrible thing but, more than likely, nothing is going to make these crazy people happy and you are better off distancing yourself as much as possible. I would stop with the gifts and cards, ignore the e-mails (delete unread since they will only upset you or forward to dh if he wants to see them), and screen phone calls if need be. I know you've already come to this conclusion but I wanted you to know that I really believe that this is the only way to find any relief from this disaster of a family! Just feel blessed that your dh has emerged so normal! {{{hugs}}}

By Colette on Monday, June 28, 2004 - 09:25 pm:

((yvonne)) Having my own in-law issues at the moment. I hope yours work out for the best.

By Palmbchprincess on Monday, June 28, 2004 - 09:38 pm:

I'm sorry you are still having such major problems with them, it must really suck!! Feel free to vent anytime!!! ((Yvonne))

By Angellew on Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - 10:22 am:

((Yvonne)) It sounds like a terrible situation. I hope it all works out.

Family situations are the worst, and there is no simple answer to what makes a family like that. I grew up in the middle of a similar situation. My mother's parents were the most loving people. They always told all of us that there was nothing we could do that was so bad. We worked through everything. My father's parents, on the other hand, could write you off in a heartbeat... their siblings, children, grandchildren. If you did something that they deemed unacceptable, they told you off and didn't speak to you! Ever!!! The last ten years of my grandmother's life, we did not speak, because I had the audacity to defend my father against his own family. My aunt has since told people that "she doesn't have a niece. I am dead in her eyes"!

So, who knows what makes people the way they are. Just do what you have to do to make yourself and your husband happy, which I know is easier said than done... they are his parents!

Good luck!

By Janet on Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - 11:43 am:

Continue to take the high road, Sweetie... mud and muck seeks its own level. {{HUGS}}

By Fraggle on Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - 11:53 am:

We have had our share of family issues (both my side and my dh's). Pretty much we just are thankful that we have each other (me, dh, and our two daughters) and focus on ourselves first. Don't bother to read your MIL's emails anymore and I would just stay away from the topic with your dh. He may agree with cutting his ties with his family, but it is still going to hurt him. Unless he wants to talk about how he feels about it, then I would close the subject. Maybe it is a good time to plan some fun activities or outings just for you guys to take your mind off the relatives. I also have a hard time letting things like this go, and etting out and doing something with my family usually helps.

By Babysitbarb on Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - 02:29 pm:

Been there done that Yvonne. Im telling you as hard as it is the quicker you let them know that they aren't going to affect the happiness you have with your DH and your children the better off you'll be. I have lived like this with my in-laws for over 17 years. Iv been thru h*ll and back with my MIL and I don't let her do it to me any more. It took my DH many years before he finally cut his ties with her and said no more. There are still things that come up all the time that we just make the most of with it and go on. Like last week we all got an e-mail from my one SIl(we get along with her really good) to inform everyone they were having a baby shower for one of the other sisters on sunday and apoligizing for being so late on the invite. We already had plans to be out of town and had for months.Anyways,one of the others sisters e-mailed everyone and said don't beat yourself up over this, we already told everyone on June 13 at mom's when we got together for subs for my birthday. A get together we were never told about, like usual and it was very sarcastically said. This is just one of the things they do and exclude us all the time so we just laugh it off and say good for them. Hope they had fun.

By Yjja123 on Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - 02:35 pm:

As always, the support I receive on this board is tremendous! Thank you!
Yvonne

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - 07:33 pm:

Definitely give your dh several hugs for being supportive and being on the same side as you. As you know from this board, that is not always the case.

I agree, continue to take the high road as much as possible when you are forced into contact with these people - delete emails, continue to send cards and gifts at appropriate times, and as much as possible shelter your children from the ignorance and neglect of these people by telling them - look, that's just what so and so is like and I'm sorry you are disappointed but you are not the only person they treat this way, so try to ignore it as much as you can.

But, when one of them forces a confrontation, as has happened to you several times, I urge you to stick to your guns. Don't get into an argument, just repeat what you have said and say that you won't be treated this way in your own home or on your own phone. If they are in your home, invite them out. If on the phone, say I'm not going to continue this conversation, goodbye, and hang up. If somewhere else, just say I won't participate in this conversation and walk out. Since your dh supports you, you can do this and not worry. But don't descend to their level, don't be nasty or use language - take the high road and get out of it as fast as you can. You seem to be handling this very well, and venting here can certainly help you let off steam - and it is probably better to do that here than with dh - even though he is supportive, I would not be surprised if he is feeling a bit guilty because they are, after all, his family, so if you vent here you are giving this nice guy a break.

By Yjja123 on Wednesday, June 30, 2004 - 10:38 am:

Ginny,
If we could pick our relatives I would take you as a mother in law any day!
Thanks!
Yvonne

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, June 30, 2004 - 06:43 pm:

Thank you, Yvonne, though you'd have to ask my dear dil how she feels about me. I think she likes me, but she is such a private person some times I just don't know.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, June 30, 2004 - 06:55 pm:

For what help it may be, Yvonne, both of my parents came from very disfunctional families.

As examples, my mom's mom was such a sweety - she didn't like my dad, so she would send Mom's old boyfriends around to call on her, telling them that she knew Mom was having trouble in her marriage and would be glad to see them (lie!). She and my grandpa divorced and when he became ill and was admitted to a Veteran's Hospital, he was dead a month before my grandmother told my Mom, who adored her father. My Dad's father remarried after his first wife's death and had a child with Dad's stepmother - at some point they decided they couldn't afford to take care of that child and my parents begged to take her - they said no, put her in an orphanage, and gave strict instructions that my parents were not to be allowed to visit.

My parents decided to turn their backs on their families and start their own "family". I don't think anyone could have had better, more loving, parents than mine. They were wonderful models of kindness, learning to think for ones self, standing up against small and large injustices, and all round really great people. I cannot tell you how many people they helped over their lives or how many people loved them. I know that my brother and I always felt truly blessed. And oh, how they loved each other - and my brother and I knew it, which was great! I know they had problems and quarrels but they never let them be part of our lives, for which I bless them again and which is a model I have tried to follow with my sons. It was only when I was truly an adult (like in my late 30s and 40s) that Mom would talk sometimes about some difficulties - and she and Dad saved the letters I wrote to them when I was concerned about them. That's part of what I found in Mom's boxes and suitcases.

They stayed in touch with their birth families - my Mom was always sending cards to anyone and everyone on any and every occasion - but never let the problems slop over into my brother's and my lives. It wasn't until I was in my mid-30's or older that Mom and Dad began to let slip some of the stuff their families did.

I have to say, I never really missed my grandparents - I mostly never thought about them because my parents kept the trouble out of my life (which I recommend to you). And because of who my parents were and how they lived their lives, I had so many extended family members that I always had plenty of love and spoiling.


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