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Not connecting..

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2004: Not connecting..
By Anonymous on Saturday, June 12, 2004 - 08:19 pm:

Please forgive me for posting Anon...Im only doing it because sometimes I feel like such a loser :(
Do you ever feel like you just dont connect with people? What I mean is, yes I have friends...I dont have tons of friends, but Ive always been a person with a couple of good friends, and Im also in touch with people Ive been friends with for 20 yrs.. Yet, I just dont feel connected...even with my husband I dont feel connected..No we dont have a bad marriage, there is no drinking,drugs, cheating or anything like that. He works so I can be a stay at home mom...Hes home every night, so thats not the problem.With him,when hes home, hes always doing his "own thing".. that could be from fixing a computer for somebody or his own, to tinkering in the garage with one of his many projects.
And me, well I dont have many hobbies.. sure I like to read when I have time, or play with the kids.. I take alot of walks to keep my mind fresh.
He does stuff with me and the kids on the weekend without complaining.. as soon as we get home, we go our separate ways..hes back to the garage, or fixing some computer problem..I guess I just tend to feel lonely at times.I go to bed early, I always have. Well between 9-10, usually closer to 9. We dont like the same shows. So he will sit downstairs and watch his shows, and I will go upstairs and fall asleep watching mine. He tells me he loves me everyday, and always kisses and hugs me. I just feel so not connected.
Even with my friends, we hang out with the kids, or chat online, but I still dont feel the conncection. Sometimes I feel like Im searching for a best friend. And, it gets pretty darn lonely at times.
Am I the strange one, maybe I need some professional help LOL

By Emily7 on Saturday, June 12, 2004 - 08:27 pm:

I feel the same way you do sometimes. I don't know what to tell you, but if you feel like you need to talk to a professional it can help.
Have you talked to your dh about it?

By Tink on Saturday, June 12, 2004 - 08:37 pm:

I have felt this way too. I do tend to isolate myself some and I am a little quiet at times but that doesn't always explain it. I have noticed that I tend to feel this way more often when I am dealing with depression. IMO, men don't feel this way very often. At least my dh doesn't, but he isn't a very social person anyway. I think it's important for couples to have their own interests but I wish that someone would really just "get" me and I haven't ever had the friendships where we finish each other's sentences and I really do long for it sometimes. It sounds like you do, too. I don't really have any advice, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone in feeling this way.

By Melana on Saturday, June 12, 2004 - 08:54 pm:

I feel the same way! But I also suffer from clinical depression and SHOULD be on medication, but I'm pregnant, so I can't be. I would suggest seeking some professional help, and medication might be in order. Just a question, do you feel "numb" most of the time? That's the way I am, just numb to every thing, it's like I have no feelings. I know how hard it is, and if you ever want to talk about it, my email is lilmimi6177@aol.com, that's my AIM screen name too. I know how hard it is t feel disconnected from the world, and I'll be here to help if you need it.

By Marg on Saturday, June 12, 2004 - 09:06 pm:

I also feel this way.

I had an aunt and uncle that were so much in love, they had their spats, but always so sweet and touching.

My grandfather and grandmother were the same way.

My mom and dad however, they loved each other, but he came from a very dysfunctional family and he would go to his workshop and do his thing. Mom and I were very close, but now as I look back on it maybe they weren't as close "as I would have liked them to have been."

I feel this way with dh sometimes. He works, does judo, etc. Sometimes I feel at home and alone. I love having dds home for the summer, but dh was raised in a dysfunctional family also and is used to "fending" for himself and doing his own thing. Don't get me wrong dh and I love each other very much, but I guess I just wish we had the closeness like my older generation of relatives. Which leads me to believe, now in our times, there is just way to much going(time, work, money, etc) on and sometimes we push things aside including loved ones.

I believe Tink is right, some men don't feel this emotional connecting, where sometimes I miss it and wonder is it always going to feel like this, is it my imagination, will it get worse?

Dh always says we grow closer as we get older, sometimes I see it and sometimes I don't.

I don't have many close friends, my mom was my close friend. We live in a rural area, I'm social but don't place that much emphasis on seeking out friendships. Been burnt way too many times.

I could tell mom anything and she wouldn't criticize, judge, take it out of context or tell others how I felt. I've placed my trust in a lot of people over the years who have left me down. I am one of those people that place friendship in such high regards.

I've rattled enough

By Anonymous on Saturday, June 12, 2004 - 09:07 pm:

No, I really dont feel numb at all.. Sometimes I feel like Im overly sensitive about everything. I want everybody to like me, I want my husband to spend more time with me. Instead of telling people how I feel, I become moody and standoffish.. I dont mean to be, I really just want to reach out to people and want everybody to be my friend. Yet, I dont pursue the closeness, if that makes sense.I guess mostly Im afraid of rejection. Sometimes I dont call my friends for a long time,mostly thinking they are "busy".. and in turn I dont hear from them in awhile and automatically think "Oh they dont want to be around me, or they have other things to do".Iknow my not calling people or telling people how Im feeling in turn leads them to believe I dont want the connection.

By Tink on Saturday, June 12, 2004 - 09:23 pm:

Anon, I have a lot of trouble feeling the exact same way. I think it is a low self-esteem issue. Of course, my dh says that I take things to personally and that sounds like an ego problem so maybe I'm wrong. I am not good at pursuing a friendship and tell myself the same things as you posted. I also tend to overanalyze the things I say when I am around people, worrying that I was too familiar, too argumentative, too stand-offish, too quiet, whatever. I do a lot better about this when I am on a small dose of an anti-depressant. I think it is some kind of an anxiety issue.

By Children03 on Saturday, June 12, 2004 - 10:07 pm:

I personally think that we can all feel this way at times. I think mine started when I became a SHAM. I love being a mother and I am thankful that I get to be with my kids everyday, but it is a lonely job because you are around children all day long. I crave adult conversation so I can get lonely at times too. When my dh comes home, I yack & yack and he barely talks. He is around adults all day at work so sometimes I don't think he understands why I say that I get lonely.

By Children03 on Saturday, June 12, 2004 - 10:08 pm:

Sorry, I meant SAHM. :)

By Momaroze on Saturday, June 12, 2004 - 10:33 pm:

I'm yet another who feels this way. I just have found that with people that I have grown to be friends with have always betrayed me in the end. When ever someone tells me something in confidence I honor that. That is a huge part of friendship. If you don't have trust, forget it. I have pretty much given up. I have a fairly uneventful but busy life raising my kds...and everything else that comes along with that. It would be really nice to have that unconditional friend who doesn't get upset when you don't call her for a week...or you don't visit etc....we all know how busy of a life it is raising a family. SAHM's is a tough role. It amazes me to hear how many women out there feel the same as we do. Maybe we are just to sensitive?

By Momaroze on Saturday, June 12, 2004 - 10:42 pm:

BTW Anon, my dh loves to tinker around with stuff, fix things etc....same same. His hobbies. But that's o.k. if we were together all the time that would drives me nuts. We are alot alike, but he is more of an intellect than I. He can fix or do pretty much of anything. A little more time with us would be better but it's o.k. I would rather him do what he is doing than going out with the guys drinking or whatever. I'm so tired right now. I hope I'm making sense and not drifting to far off the topic. :) Obviously I need more ME time desperately! Usually sleep comes first when I am this tired but I really want to be on line right now!!! TAke care!

By Melana on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 12:50 am:

My Dh doesn't like to tinker with things, he likes to sleep. He also told me the other day if he's in the house to long he get's depressed and starts to think of all the bad things that COULD happen, as if I don't. I know a lot of the times I feel like I can't really talk to him cause he doesn't know how to deal with my depression, he thinks it's due to the pregnancy, and I know part of it is, but he can't see that it's more than that, and I think doesn't want to admit it. I think you should talk to your DH about how you've been feeling, a nice night out just the two of you might make you feel a little better.

By Nicosmom on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 03:24 am:

Anon, I can definitely relate to you. I have problems with rejection and self-esteem issues as well. In the end, I just always want people to like me, but always wonder what they *really* think of me. I haven't had too many connections lately either. I always feel like I am trying way too hard, if that makes sense.

By Anonymous on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 04:08 am:

I am a different anonymous, BTW! J

I get the depression thing, I think. I think all women get down around that time of the month, and when I was PG I was totally hormonal! But, with depression, I suppose it's like having PMS all the time. I don't know, I don't deal with it myself, but I had a friend who did, and to be honest, it was difficult to be her friend.

I guess what I would say is

Get Yourselves Some Help!!

I mean, my friend never did. She suffered from mood swings, panic attacks, you name it. If my world didn't revolve around what she needed, (whether it was emotional support, or help with errands, or financial help, someone to listen, whatever,) then she didn't have any use for me. I was always there for her, (like the time some one called Child Protective Services on her, and the time her son was sick at school and needed some one to get him and bring him home,) but when it came time for me to ask her for a favor, or time to talk, she was never available. She made sure not to be available emotionally because she couldn't handle it.

-She didn't cry on 9/11.
-She totally refused sex to her husband, and told me that she could care less if they never had sex again.
-She always hated having her 3 children around. She didn't miss them when they went away, like to camp and such.

So, you see, it was because of her depression that she detached herself from the world around her. And she never got help.

With regards to having friends that don't turn out to be trustworthy, yes, I was hurt by her. But now I am perfectly happy to have many many casual friendships. That way, I don't put too much stock in any one person. The ones I do value most are church friends. However, I tell all my most personal secrets to God and my dh.

Secondly, it is important for those of you with depression to seek professional help because no one else can help you except for yourself, and only a professional can give you the tools you need to use in your minds to get yourselves on track. Your friends, those you do have, can't do that for you, and neither can your dh's, which is something that frustrates them to no end. Men are fixers (big surprise) and whenever they listen to us whine and vent, then offer us suggestions to help us fix our problems, and we shoot them down, they eventually give up out of frustration.

So, if you concentrate on improving your self-esteem and your own emotional well-being, then others will find it easier to be your friend/hubby. (Because your dh is, after all, your life-long companion, your friend.)

Thirdly, {{Anon}}, for the sake of your marriage, I would advise that, when your husband isolates himself in the garage, join him. If he loves you as you say he does, why on earth would he object to you "copping a squat" in his garage (Do we still say that these days?) and watching him work. If you show interest in what interests him, he will show interest in what interests you. (Sounds Interesting J)

Best of Luck!

By Feonad on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 07:12 am:

I actually would like the alone time. So see people are different!

I read of a similiar story in Red Book. You know were they fix a marriage.

The couple went to counseling and worked on ways to spend alittle more time with each other. They were spending no time at all with each other and sleeping in seperate beds because of snoring!

They ended up watching one tv program a night with each other. You pick, he picks. (1/2 hour a night only.)

You can even rent some movies and have a family movie night... or eat dessert together or dinner once a week or every night.

By Cocoabutter on Wednesday, June 23, 2004 - 06:03 pm:

I did a search for depression and this post came up. I feel a bit alone at this point in time, too, what with ds being home and all. This post touched me.

I haven't had much time for the internet until lately- we have had cold weather here in Michigan the past week. Feels more like September. So much for global warming!

What I find keeps away the doldrums is keeping busy. The less time I take dwelling on how I feel, the better I actually feel.

I feel good in my marriage, though. My dh gets me involved in his hobby- he is restoring an old Dodge truck. We go online and look for parts- we spent an entire afternoon together looking at fancy wheels on the internet. I think getting involved with the hubby helps a lot.

I have a story, too, about not keeping in touch with friends. I used to babysit for a friend of mine when my son was a baby, and her oldest dd, who was 6, had some difficulty at birth and as a result had a compromised heart, lungs, and immune system. After her girls all went into school, I wasn't needed to babysit any more, and I lost touch with them for about 5 years. Last year, I ran into them at a school function and found out that the oldest girl had passed away about two months before.

If I had kept in touch with them, I would have been able to say good bye and provide some support for the family.

I understand it's difficult to connect with some people, especially those who aren't available emotionally. But, it's like getting on that horse- it's not gonna ride itself. You gotta get on first. If you don't pick up the phone or send that personal email, how do you know if you will be able to make the connection at all?

By Mommyathome on Wednesday, June 23, 2004 - 08:27 pm:

Yes! I have felt that way before too.

I don't really have a lot of "neighborhood friends". We live in such a small area. There are no kids/sahm's on our street at all.

However, my DH is excellent to spend time with me everyday. I told him once that he's basically the only adult I have contact with on a daily basis. He's good to "hang out" with me after he gets home from work.

Does your DH know how *you* feel? Maybe if he knew, he would try harder.

((((hugs)))) Hope you are feeling better soon.

By Bea on Thursday, June 24, 2004 - 12:37 am:

Being lonely in a house full of people can be unnerving and terribly sad. I understand. Iíve lived that life for 36 years. One of the reasons that I found my husband so attractive, was the fact that, unlike me, he seemed to be totally self assured. After marriage I came to realize that it was a wall heíd built around his emotional self, because of a prying and domineering mother.

Seeking to emotionally connect with him was frustrating. The more I tried to scale the walls, the higher and thicker he built them. I finally resorted to using the one weapon that was sure to pry an emotional response from him. Anger he could, and often did let through that wall, so I picked fights to achieve a negative connection. Iíd get the emotion I sought, but he retreated even more.
I wish I had an answer for you. What I finally discovered is, that I canít force him to tear down those walls. I can only try to find the emotional connections I need in the support of friends. We live in a large house, and often share very few words each day. Itís easy for him to do his thing, and not have to communicate much. I stay busy and connected with my friends and give him the peace he wants. Itís his loss.

I've had clinical depression for years, and have come to the realization that my life is what I make of it. I can view this lack of communication a failed marriage, or I can see us as survivors who have finally learned how to yoke two vastly dissimilar personalities. I chose to see the latter, and to find ways to enjoy the life I have.

By Marg on Thursday, June 24, 2004 - 06:16 am:

Bea,

I kind of feel like you.

Dh's mom and dad divorced when he was 4. His mom lived and later remarried a man, however, shortly after remarrying, she went into a coma (he was in the seveth grade). His dad was an alcoholic, mom in a coma, stepdad (was a nice man, but not a good fatherly figure, divorced from a first marriage with 6 other older children, did not have much parenting skills).

Dh lived with his stepdad and often had to fend for himself. Meals, laundry, etc. He grew up fast with the theory "no one will help me so I have to do it."

Very independent, he went into the Navy, his mom died while he was in Cuba. We married a few months before. Couple years later his dad died, only with most of his other family members throughout the years.

He still lives with that "mentality." I know he loves me very much, but his struggle to let people in that "brick wall" started when he was about 8. It is very tough, he is a stronger person for it, but it was really too much for a young child to deal with.

That's why he works with troubled youth. I really believe he can relate to them more than he can me or even our children.

By Angellew on Thursday, June 24, 2004 - 04:04 pm:

Anon... I wrote the same "Anonymous" post a few months back! So, you are definitely not alone. So, I wish I had great words of wisdom for you, but I don't, other than saying I'm in the boat with you.

I chalked my feelings up to being married "later" than my friends (I was 33). I was very set in my ways and independent. Living with someone and giving up some freedoms was a transition. And then having a child ALOT later than my friends (I was 36) put me on a completely different playing field. All their kids were grown, and I was just getting started. With little in common, we drifted, until I found myself with no friends, no hobbies, nothing other than my house, my husband and my DD. Sounds like alot, but not from my view. And I was a WOHM, so, my life revolved around going to work and taking care of my DD. I lost all of ME!!! which I am still working on.

All I can say is that you're not alone in your feelings, and the women here were a great help to me, as I hope they will be to you!

If you want to chit-chat, feel free to email me!
angellew918 at msn.com.

I hope knowing you're not alone helps a little!


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