I don't know Kinda long
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2004:
I don't know Kinda long
My brother is almost 30 and was born with diabeties. about 5 years ago he lost is eyesight and 3 years ago went into kidneyy failure and was put on dialysis. Through this whole ordeal my Mom was there for him taking him back and forth to drs and did alot of him and he never really seem to appriciate it. Well about 6 months ago he meet this girl from those date phone lines. At first she seemed really nice I felt like this was a person who I could love to have as a sister inlaw. Just here lately things have been hitting me the wrong way. We went camping this weekend and a few of mine and my brothers family memebers showed up. She was very hate full to my cousin who was helping me with breakfast and asked if anyone would like eggs. Soon to be sil hatefully said we are NOT having eggs were are just having french toast. and my cousin said okay. That struck me wrong well my parents showed up Sunday and My Dad is the kind of guy that likes to play and tease well he went up to her and said something to her and she gave a dirty looked and walked away. Which my Dad said she must be in a bad mood. Through the whole camping trip she would always wisper in my brothers ear and it made me feel like she was saying stuff about everyone that was there. Well they left early from camping because she told everyone by brother was ill(which he wasn't) Yesturday her and my brother came over and she was bragging that she could do my brothers dialysis and it didn't bother her no more doing it. She was really good at it. My Mom has told and told my brother that if he gets his shunt where he does dialysis infected he will no longer be able to his paretenal dialysis he would have to go on Hemo where they filter his blood Which would mean he would not be able to go out of the house. but he just ignores my Mom. She also came in and said that my kids just love her. They think I am perfect and they follow me around like my shadows. (That hit me wrong) She has 2 children that are 6 and 10 and she babies them real bad. Her daughter is 6 and is very hatefull to my almost 6 year old daughter. She told both dd that if they went and told her mom that she was mean to them that her mom would tell there uncle K.C and he would get mad at my dds. Almost sister inlaw is starting to say stuff behind my parents and oldersister back. and I am the last person she wants to be doing that too. today my brother went to her place which is 3-4 hours away to stay a few days.My Mom tried to tell him about the whole dialysis thing and it fell on deaf ears. well her Mom called and told them that they might want to wait a few hours because there was some severe thunderstorms coming through. My mom also told them to wait she said no they will be okay. Well a huge storms came through 80-100 mile per hour winds rain,hail and tornatos well they hit it and it knocked her car off the road a few times and they finely stopped but it was to late the storms were right on them. I found out today that yesterday they had my 2 girls and my brother and her went to lunch were they made my daughters sit and watch them eat and when they were done eating that they would go find them something kinda made me mad why didnt they go get them somethingand they could of ate with them. I don't know what to do. she has just been rubbing me the wrong way. I hate that both him and her are disrespectful to everyone in my family and that it is really hurting my Mom that he isn't taking care of what needs to be that goes along with dialysis. I don't know but its at the point where do I say something or do I just let it pass. I don't want to hurt my brother but I think my family should come first. any imput
I think that as far as your brother's choice of partner is his problem to deal with, but they both need to know that mistreatment of your children will NOT be tolerated under any circumstances, and that you'd appreciate it if they could respect you and the family a little more, at least be polite. I think you should confront him first, and if that doesn't work, pull her to the side, alone, and tell her what you expect, and how you feel about the way she's been treating you and your family. About your kids I'd talk to them both together, so that there can be no mistakes. And ((((HUGS)))) I know how hard this must be for you.
I don't know what to tell you, we have something simular in our family. Your brother has been babied his entire life and he needs to grow up. It isn't right that your family is treated like that, but she is giving him what he needs at the moment. I would explain to them both that the children need to play nice. That you expect them & her kids to treat you & yours the way they want to be treated. Unfortunatly he needs to make the mistake & learn from it on his own. I know it is tough to watch, but it has to be done.
As the oldest, I was the first of my siblings to marry, then I was the first of my siblings to have kids. Then, my brother married second, a little later and has one dd (5) and sil is pregnant. Then my youngest sister married last, and has a 2 yr old son and a dd on the way.
As the oldest, coinceidentally, I am accustomed to being the one to "blaze the trial" with new experiences, first to drive, first to date, first to marry, etc. So before my siblings were married and had kids, I kind of expected little misunderstanding to come up.
We all got together in April and for the first time since we have all been together, we were all married and we all had kids!! Six adults, 4 children, 7-2, two pregnant women and three men.
Well, we had never done it before, so we had no idea how to handle it and the children fussed over "what to play with" "how to play" "he took mine" "I have hers", my 4 yr old dd innocently called my 2 1/2 yr old nephew a "baby" as in, "The baby took my doll!" and the 2 1/2 yr old nephew had a roaring fit because he is potty training, and a "Big Boy" and not a "baby"!!! (It wasn't funny to the kids but I laughed about it later).
So, after it was all over, and chaos had reigned on my poor Mom's head and my sister went back to MN and my brother and I retired to our "separate corners". My Mom emailed all three of us with a list of "Boundaries". (She's a counselor, sometimes she goes overboard, so do I, the apple does not fall far from the tree). But we all came from a very abusive, dysfunctional family and we don't know how to do this. So, my Mom emailed us a list of simple rules, numbered that we are to follow when we get together.
All three of us "adult kids" were kind of amused, she did it in a humourous way, but she is serious and if we are all going to get together in her home, those are the rules.
If you want, I can post them for you, they are kind of funny but she means it.
I am absolutely not suggesting that your family is dysfunctional in any way at all. But I know that when a family member has a serious illness, the family designs a system to support the ill person. Then, a new member enters the picture, kids are involved, and all of a sudden, everything is different.
For my family, we didn't know what "the rules" should be, and after my Mom spent an entire day listening to the adult children argue about how their kids should be disciplined, what activities for the children were acceptable, and then to top it off, listening to the little children argue about who should play with what......
My Mom emailed all three of us and 'laid down the law" so now, we all know what is expected of us at "everybody come family gatherings." We don't mess with our Mom!!
Maybe your family could find a way to decide how you want to get together and when and come up with some general 'ground rules" too.
We have not had an "everyone come" family get together yet. But we are due for one, probably Fourth of July (also my sister and bil anniversary). It will be interesting to see if it is more peaceful. Not all peaceful, but at least everyone knows what is expected and My Mom made sure we all know "who's in charge!" :-)
If our Mother is not happy, nobody is going to be happy!!
Marie, We can choose our friends but we can not choose our families.... And we can't choose who our family members choose to marry. I know it stinks but the best thing to do is to do nothing. I mean you need to deal with the mistreatment of the kids for sure. But as far as the way she is I say just avoid contact. You won't make him see her the way you do until he is ready too. And as far as his health goes. That is the same situation. He knows what he needs to do and have done. If he doesn't make sure that he is doing everything he is supposed to there is nothing anyone can do about it but worry..... He is a grown man, he will do as he pleases and be with who he pleases. And no matter who it hurts he won't see anything but what he wants until it all blows up in his face. And if you try to have your say about his life, his choice of girlfriend or his health he will turn a deaf ear.. You might stir up bigger issues for everyone involved. If he wasn't acting the way he is I would suggest confronting him but I honestly think the best thing would be to put a little distance and take nothing this woman does to heart. Some people are just plain full of themselves........ And they enjoy creating issues where there really shouldn't be any....... Big hugs and how is your ankle???