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What is her motive?

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2004: What is her motive?
By Mrse on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 05:34 pm:

I picked that subject, because, I am not sure what my friend is trying to do. She is involved with this guy, and she is always in a fight with him, she calls me to vent, I tell her what I think, ( because the guy is a jerk) now right from the beginning, I have told her not to tell him anything I said, ( as friends have done this in the past, and their bf, have hated me) well, the last fight they had, she called me of course to tell me all about it, and she said ok, don't get your nickers in a knot, but he said, you do not stop and think, you just run off at the mouth. Which tells me that she did tell him what I have said to her. She has also told us straight out that he thinks he is better than us, smarter was her words. She always insists that he is so smart , well read etc.. and that he was not use to hanging around people like us! now this guy does not look any different than any other guy walking down the street jeans etc.. and he formed an opion about us, after a couple of min. My friend is always going on about how smart he is, so much it makes me sick. Even though we knew what he though of us we still included him, when we had bbq, etc... My dh just recently refused to go to my friends house because he was thier, which I was not clueing into at the time. Now my friend has been having this relationship go on and on, they do not live together, but they have a daughter, which seems to be the tye( of course). My friend said their is not relationship, but she still included him, in every aspect of her life, which I told her not to, because this would confuse him, and he would still think they were a couple, you see my friend has a car which he drives, she does not have a licience, so the deal was he took her to get groceries etc,, and he got to use the car, but he keep whinning that she is taking advantage of him, even though he is driving around in a really nice car, for free! I have been telling her to get the dam car back, and just give him visation to the child, but he has said that he would not hang around at all, if she split them up, he would not come back to see his child. He has also been stalking her with her own car!! It is so weird, so yes I did say some things to her, as any good friend would, but why, why would she go beaking off to him. Now it has made matters worse as my dh wants to take him out. I am going to talk to her and tell her she is not to bring him around here at all, that I want nothing to do with him. Before even though they had their fights, I would always welcome him into our home, ( knowing full well he thought we were not good eneough for him , god knows my friend told me that eneough) so by her telling me this info, she has made the situation worse, because if she carrys on seeing him, they will not be coming here. I guess she though she was being a good friend to me, but all it did was make me so mad my legs are shaking, and it is all I can think of, what I said to dh was,,, he thought I ran off at the mouth before just wait!! Thanks for listening, I just needed to get it out,it is making me crazy. I think I am doing the right thing by washing my hands of it all, including my friend calling to ( tell on him) what do you guys think? what would you do?

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 06:19 pm:

I think you are indeed right to wash your hands. You have someone who has asked for your advice, refuses to ask on it, knows the guy is bad news but still continues on with him, and because she has so little self-control and runs off at the mouth has violated your trust. Your dh won't spend time with her when the jerk is around, he thinks he is too good for all of you - what else do you need.

By all means wash your hands, and tell your friend not to call until and unless she wants help in breaking up with him. You really don't need this kind of aggravation in your life.

By Dmom on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 06:23 pm:

I have no idea what her motive is, but I know how frustrating it can be to see someone stuck in a destructive pattern. The car thing scares me. I mean, the fact that he seems to have control over her transportation. (See my prayer request under Three, me, my Pregnant Friend and Me) Women sometimes choose destructive partners and it is unfortunate, especially if they have children. Some of the patterns you describe can be found under "Patterns that Demonstrate A Need for Control" it is a pamphlet put out here in GA for women who are trying to decide if their relationship is abusive.

His attitude "I am better than everyone else" and the control of transportation and what you describe as the two of them fighting and calling others and the level of anger and frustration your post seems to represent kind of "clue me in" that it might be better to walk away. It seems this couple has some pretty serious stuff going on--also, if you suspect some verbal, emotional or physical abuse is going on--you could call your local shelter and alert them to the situation. Don't do it while you are angry. Take a breath, pray about it and then in the morning, after you get a perspective, if you believe the man has too much control over the woman (when she drives, where she goes, who she sees, when she socializes and who she socializes with) and if the couple seems to feed off "tension" as a pattern--you might be looking at a situation that requires professional help.

But don't get the authorities or the church or the shelter or DFACS involved until after you calm down. Be sure you are doing it for the right reasons and not for revenge.

If you do decide to seek help, remember that when we help loose the chain of an unjust abusive situation and help untie the cords of the yoke of an unhealthy relationship, and set the oppressed free and break every yoke that binds and when we share our food with the hungry and provide a shelter during troubled times, when we help those in need and we have the right motives then God will show the light to us in the dark place and the Lord will guard us, protect us, and answer us when we pray. (From Isaiah 58:6-13), some liberties taken to apply to situation.

Please don't add "fuel to the fire" eventhough you are angry, that always, always, always just makes things worse.

But, before you wash your hands of it, and that choice is definitely an option, look within yourself and make sure you did all you could to be able to sleep at night.

Then by all means, let go if you need to...

Again, I say this as someone who has just spent two days listening to a woman in an abusive situation who wound up going back....(see prayer post)

Good Luck and God Bless

By Emily7 on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 11:28 pm:

Well he may be smart, but she isn't. If they break up he won't come around & see his child...then he doesn't deserve the child in his life. I would call the car in stolen, just for the heck of it. LOL I would not allow either of them back in your life atleast until she gets a clue!

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 01:20 am:

Okay, first off. She discussed things you said with her SO/boyfriend. But you are discussing things with your DH too. (I see your point just stick with me).. In situations like she is having they roller coaster, in and out of relationship. So when she is good with him she runs her mouth (back when this happened so and so said this... I just knew she couldn't be right...) or if she thinks she can get a dig in on him she runs her mouth (so and so warned me that this is the way you would be). What she is doing is Typical... If mouths weren't run many issues would never come up... I would say my issue wouldn't be with her telling him. My issue would be with being wrapped up in her self distructive nonsense... I realize you feel she is a good friend. but the thing is.. Good friends do not drag you down they lift you up.... Sounds to me like this lady has some major issues that all the good friendship in the world will never fix. You can't save her and sitting here and dealing with her has gotten your family in an uproar. What kind of friendship is that??? If it was me I would be done with her..... Some people are like leeches they live off of bleeding you emotionally dry... If they don't have drama they create it.

By Dmom on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 01:30 am:

I love "if mouths weren't run so many issues would never come up..." I may pin that to my bulletin board in my office.

By Dana on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 08:37 am:

I think "wash your hands" is the best choice. He is her problem, not yours, unless you let him.

By Mrse on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 09:52 am:

Well their is no more problem, last update he cut all tye's to my friend and their child. He is refusing to look after his dd the one day a week , while my friend is at work, and he cut off any visatation, and also support money. My friend has avoided any big break up because he had threatened before that he would cut off all tyes, so my friend is upset because she figures dd needs her daddy. I told her she will do just fine with out him, and if he is the type of guy who would walk out on his own kid she don't want him around any way. I will help my friend put the peices of her life back together. It is just getting her to except my help, as she gets overwhelmed ,if she has to many things to take care of and doesn't pick out one thing to start on. I really really hope this is the final end of this relationship as she is alway miserable when he is around, and she is really one of the only people I know who is always upbeat.

By Dmom on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 10:11 am:

Bless your hearts.

This is just a suggestion:

If you decide to continue this friendship with this young woman and her child, it may be a "sanity saver" to see if she has enough "harrassment" from this guy to file a restraining order.

See, if she files a restraining order, then some of the pressure is off of her for when/if/probably when the guy comes back. It is much easier for women to say "There is a restraining order in place, get away from me and dd" and let the objective authorities handle it. Women's emotions get nuts during a time like this and as women we struggle with "Should I let him come back?" especially when kids are involved. A restraining order takes away all the emotional roller coaster stuff, the decision has already been made.

I am also concerned that he controls her transportation, socialization and whether or not she gets child support. If he wants to come back, she may feel the pressure of "share the car" or financial need and even if she doesn't want him back she may let him come back to "fill a gap" for some very real needs for survival.

I do not have a suggestion for the car situation. But if he really doesn't pay child support and if he signed the birth certificate, she can have his child support ordered by the court. Again, this is helpful to women in this type of situation because it asserts an objective authority to deal with the guy instead of the I'm-still-tied-to-him-I-have-his-kid lady. Here in GA the order is (usually) 30% of the guy's gross income. Of course, most folks don't report their whole income.

If she is concerned about this guy having rights to see the child, and if she has evidence (tape recordings, written statements of abandonment,such as an angry note by him, a police report, etc.) she can asked the court to order supervised visitation. That means the guy can not see the child unless there is another party present.

It is not my intention to be cruel, but statistics say this guy is coming back. So, NOW while he has decided to be absent from the situation is a good time for her to clear her thoughts and start gathering whatever "hard" evidence she can find to prove that this guy is a "turkey head". That why, when he comes back, she is ready for him and all she has to do is make some phone calls to the authorities instead of getting back on the merry-go-round.

Hope that helps

God Bless You.

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