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Am I Overreacting?

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive June 2004: Am I Overreacting?
By Tink on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 12:43 am:

OK, I will try to keep this as short as possible but you have been warned...
-My brother and I are 4 years apart and we were very close growing up. We have grown apart in the last 2-3 years. My sister was born almost 5 years later and she and my brother have never gotten along.
-He is getting married on the 26th to a girl that he has been dating for 6 years. They have a little boy that is 18 months old. His fiancee and I have an on and off friendship. We don't disagree but we talk for a while and then don't see each other for a month. But I usually don't have any issues with her.
-My brother left home at 17 because he didn't want to participate in family functions or responsibilities. He and my mom don't have any major disagreements, they just don't have a close relationship. When his roommates were kicked out of their apartment, he moved in with me and dh and lived with us for about 6 months. WHen he moved back out, his girlfriend lived with us for about 9 months. We got along with both of them and paid for the deposit on her place. Then they wanted to move and their new apartment wasn't ready so they lived with my mom for 6 months.
-They haven't talked to my mother, me or my sister about the wedding at all. I asked her what her colors were at her bridal shower 2 weeks ago and still have no idea about anything else. I do know they have spent double what they budgeted for this wedding, even though her grandma is buying her dress, her maid-of-honor bought her invitations, and her mother gave her $6000. My mom has paid for the flowers and offered to give them more but she would pay for items, not give them cash. They wouldn't even let her host the rehearsal dinner, which we thought was traditional.
- They asked my oldest dd to be their flower girl a year ago and 2 weeks ago I asked if I needed to get her a dress because I hadn't heard anything. She said that she had already gotten a dress for her and if it didn't fit then they would ask The maid-of-honor's cousin to do it. I was a little surprised but the dress did fit so I didn't make a big deal about it, even though my dd would have been devastated if she hadn't been able to do this.
-During the phone call that I made to her, she invited me to the bachelorette party which is a weekend in Tahoe but it was going to cast $400-500 so I said if I had that money I'd go somewhere with my dh. Her MOH called the next day and told me that my share of the hotel bill was $225! I told her I wasn't going and she told me to call S because she thought I was. When I called she said that if I didn't go it would cost the other girls $50 more. Sorry!
-S called last week and asked if I was upset about not being a bridesmaid and I said I was a little bit hurt but she had made her choice. She has 6. She said she thought I would understand but that the dresses she wants aren't available in my size. I wear a 14 so I don't quite understand but was that really necessary? I decided to let it go because no one on my brother's side of the family has been invited to participate except for my dd. S then said that she wanted my sister and I to do the guest book. I wish now that I'd told her no but I thought my sister would want to so I agreed to do that. She hasn't asked my sister yet, though so my sis doesn't want to and I don't want to do it by myself.
-Sunday we had a family BBQ at my mom's and they came by to pick up a check for the attendants favors and they asked my dh to be a groomsman! Lately, when my brother has called, he doesn't say Hi to me or ask about the kids, just says "Let me talk to Rob" but I certainly wouldn't say they were friends. I am so much more hurt that my brother would ask my husband to stand up with him but none of his sisters are going to. My dh thinks that I am blowing this way out of proportion and that my brother chooses the groomsmen and S chooses the bridesmaids. Well I wish he would have said that my sister and I should be in it or at least said I'm sorry that S hasn't asked you. Dh also said that maybe S had more friends than my brother but she is having the woman that cuts her hair as one! I wonder if it is because he and my sister don't get along or if I am just really overreacting. I am so upset by this. I haven't slept much the last 2 nights and I am on the verge of tears all the time. Dh wanted to know if it's that time of the month! He is so sensitive! (It's not) Is there anyway for me to get out of the guest book duty? Do I have to go? J/K, I think. Feeling very rejected and angry that they don't realize how many people they are alienating by the way they are acting because, of course, my sister is upset also and my mom is very hurt by not being involved in any of it. Even my dh offered to not do it so that I would feel better. That's not the point, IMO, but it was nice of him to offer. OK, I'm done now, thanks for reading this, if you made it all the way through. :)

By Echo on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 01:08 am:

I don't think you're overreacting, but I also don't think you saying much other than you being a little dissappointed will make anything better. I would be very hurt if I were in the same situation, but if you say anything more, it's bound to cause problems.
The dress size thing was kind of un-neccesary. I'm pretty sure most designers make dresses in all plus sizes for a little extra cost, but I think they start at 16 for most bridesmaid dresses.
I wouldn't have paid for the party either. That's way too much for that. Good for you not giving them that money.
As far as the guest book, I would just do it. You're brother and future SIL may one day realize just how badly they've treated you and might appreciate how well you've handled it. You're a better person than I am. I would have lost it dealing with all that. Good luck

By Ladypeacek on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 02:05 am:

I agree that you are a BIG person to have kept going this far! I think you should keep it up. If you back out it won't do anything but irritate them a little but it will eventually ruin you! Maybe your brother asked your dh because he did see that is fiance was starting to push you out of the wedding so this was his way of pulling you back in. Maybe he won't tell you this cuz he is trying to keep the peace. This is a very important event for your brother, one he will always remember so make sure that you are in that memory cuz as the years go by he will appreciate that. And to be perfectly honest i can think to my wedding and i probably stepped on a few toes myself without even realizing it just trying to make everyone including myself happy. Is it possible they don't how much this is upsetting you? Sometimes weddings make us so absentminded we do alot of mean things! Just a thought. I really hope everything turns out well for you and your family!!

By Dmom on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 03:59 am:

Hey Sweetie.

No, you are not over reacting. And the rehearsal dinner thing is traditional. I used to help plan weddings. I did two weddings for two friends of mine in 1987 and 1992. And I was paid well and I did a good job.

Wedding one: I dealt with a pregnant bride who bought her gown too soon and then couldn't get into it, (mad dash the day before the wedding for a girdle--I told her to wait to buy the gown, but did she listen??!!) it was a church wedding where nobody believed in God (well, except me and a few "hold outs") but the minister of the church was the groom's brother-in-law, married to the groom's sister, so the couple felt obligated to have the wedding there. So every time the minister referred to God you could see the wedding party involuntarily "wince". And, I swear this is true, when the happy couple left the church, their car wouldn't start, so they had to leave their car at the church at the last minute and borrow the Groom's Dad's car. Guess who drove the Groom's dad, Groom's Mom, groom's brother in law the minister and groom's sister home? :-)

Second wedding: The bride had a girlfriend she'd had for years and years who had just become an exotic dancer. The exotic dancer was Maid of Honor. So, everything we picked out for the wedding, we had to listen to the Maid of Honor try to "trash it up". She wanted higher heels, she wanted the MOH dresses to be shorter, (it was a boiling hot right in the middle of southern summer wedding),
so MOH used the hot weather as an excuse to try to get all the skimpiest dresses possible. At one point, I honestly wondered (to myself, I was just the consultant) if all the bridesmaids were really going to just walk down the aisle naked and should I make reservations for everyone ahead of time at the local tanning booth??? Anyway, the Maid of Honor really did wind up getting her MOH dress altered in the waist (she didn't like it because it was A-line and she thought she looked fat in it) so, there we are, the morning of the wedding and the MOH announces she's had her dress altered in the waist. I stayed calm (my job) but the bride freaked out. Apparently, the bride had asked this girl to be her MOH because they had known each other all their lives but the MOH had recently started down a "wrong path" and the bride just hadn't accepted that. They are not friends today. But you should have seen the bride, at my Mom's house with all the bridesmaids, "getting ready" and the bride screaming, "You &*%^$! You @!#$%$!" And me, saying, "Calm down, it's okay, I could hardly tell...."

After that, I decided being a bridal consultant was not something I wanted to do--no job pays that much money!!!

Anyway, I share that with you to help and to let you know that all weddings have their "stories".

What I am trying to say through all of these examples, is that all weddings and wedding preparations have their "bad moments".

You are absolutely not overreacting.

After housing these people, helping them out financially, putting up with the possibility of them hurting your dd about being flower girl, trying to get money out of you for a trip you will not be taking, your call on the guestbook, I would not do it, I would just call her back and say something like: "You know, I think I would just like to enjoy my brother's wedding and mingle and see people, I really don't want to spend the whole reception sitting at a table with a guestbook. Maybe the maid of honor's cousin could do that."

Whether to confront them or not? It sounds like they really don't know what they want and they are waiting until the last minute to decide. And men (your brother) are not always "wise" and "paying attention" about these things. Usually the lady makes the plans and the gentleman just kinds of wanders around, looks bewildered and takes orders.

Soon, it will all be over, they will be married and off on a honeymoon and you can breathe again.

I may sound cold, and I don't mean to--but it is not worth your tears and your sleep--they have to live with each other and maybe they deserve each other, but you don't have to live with either one of them!! (Thank God) The wedding is one day, those two have to spend eternity with each other--maybe they deserve each other.

You probably should go to the wedding.

Now, I am going out on a limb here, but I would not want to sit in a "tense" ceremony alone, with hurt family members while my dh is in the ceremony. But that's just me. I would want my dh sitting beside me and being supportive of me. And your dh did offer to decline being in the wedding. Maybe you should take him up on it???

I have had a rough night myself and I am going to try to go back to sleep now. Good Luck and God Bless you.

By Feona on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 07:11 am:

The new wife is alittle dumb. Her bridesmaid will be long gone as friends but if she stays married to her husband her sister in law could always be her friend.

I really would do the best I could about the situation. (Of course my best often is not very good.)

This is your brother so I would try to be very nice about everything for him and his choice of a bride.

Of course they could have bought the brides maids dresses in crazy land where they don't make a size 14 (like jc penney or something.) Could be the reason.

By Amecmom on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 10:05 am:

Brides, as a rule are self absorbed and a little rude. I don't think they mean to be, but there's a great deal of pressure on them. This is the first time for many of them that they are hosting / planning a major event.

The groom's family usually has very little involvement in planning or paying for the wedding (traditionally). The bride picks her own attendants - and yes, her crack about sizes was rude and mean.

I've never heard of this "guestbook" thing. There is usually a book on a table somewhere for people to sign and write something nice, if they choose. I've never seen anyone have to sit with it.

You are right to feel slighted and hurt, but as others have said, you are too good a person to let her insensitivity ruin your brother's wedding. Enjoy watching your husband and your daughter on the big day, sit with your mom, and let the rest be water under the bridge. A year from now, all these bad things will really seem unimportant. If you don't go, and are not gracious, I have a feeling you will come to regret it for a long time.
Ame

By Emily7 on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 10:18 am:

It sounds to me like you are being thrown crumbs. I would do the guest book because if you don't it will be held against you. Just smile & bite your tongue. If they can not appreciate all you have done then that is their loss.

By Kaye on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 10:51 am:

Again I have a differing opinion....LOL. You are hurt and understandably, but it is her day, her wedding. I think you should go and smile and realize that ultimately it really isn't a big deal. It would have been nice to include more of your family. But from the brides side, how many times have we heard, I wanted this and this and didn't get to do what I wanted because of ..... I have been in my share of weddings, only one did I think was done very well and everyone was included. I wore a curtain in one wedding and paid a ton for it, did I like it, NOPE, but I did wear it with a smile. These are the petty things in life. If she cares for your brother and you think they will be happy, then just go with the flow, don't take it personal, it is just a day, you need to continue to be the big person and not let one day ruin your relationship. At my wedding, we had a lot of ugly things said to us, done to us, etc. Most of the people involved have moved on and really don't think about my wedding. But just being a day to you, it is a big deal to the bride, it is HER day. Boy do I wish people would have left me alone and not given me such bad memories. I honestly don't look at my pictures, don't display my things, etc because of all the ugliness just makes me sad. Anyway, the point of my story, your not overreacting yet, but if you love your brother, just hang in there and get through the day, really it is only a few hours!

By Debbie on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 12:04 pm:

I agree with Kaye, it is the bride's day and your brother's day. Yes, it was not necessary to mention your size when talking about the bridesmaid dresses. And it is usually tradition that the groom's family hosts the rehersal dinner. You have a right to be hurt, but I would try and be the bigger person and let it go.

As far as not being asked to be a bridesmaid, try not to hold this against her. I did not ask either of my 2 sils to be a bridesmaid. I got along with them, but I wasn't really close to them at the time of the wedding. I did ask my brother's wife to be in it and they might have thought it was wrong of me to ask her and not them. But, I had become really close to her. Thank God, my sil's did not take this personal. I have come to love them both and I am very close to them now. As far as your brother asking your dh. Maybe he feels closer to him then you realize.

The wedding is just one day. I would try and look at the big picture. Are they happy together, does she make your brother happy?? If this is the case, then I would try and rember that and be thankful. Put on a smile and go and have a good time.

By Dmom on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 12:39 pm:

At Jesus's first miracle, the wedding where He turned water into wine, He did it because
The Host ran out of wine for the wedding party. Maybe "Wedding Crisis" and "Difficult Stuff" coming up as part of the wedding journey are a Biblical Tradition??? :-)

By Texannie on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 12:55 pm:

I would be thrilled not to have to buy an ugly dress! LOL I think you are overreacting a little. The crack about your size was uncalled for, but the bride has the right to pick who she wants in the wedding. Yes, it's traditional for the Groom's family to host the rehearsal dinner, but you don't have to have one.

By Bea on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 03:57 pm:

I agree with Kaye and Ame. It's her wedding and if she feels the need to act like a commanding general, just be thankful that you only have a small role in her major production. Keep a low profile, and let her give her orders and directions. It will all be over soon. For her sake I hope her running roughshod over people's feelings really does get her the wedding day she wants. I sincerely doubt that it will. Let your poor hubby and daughter march to the general's commands, and take a deep breath. When it's all over the groom will still be your brother, and she will be your SIL, not the commanding general any more.

By Tink on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 08:47 pm:

I guess I am more hurt that she has been so uncaring when we have done so much for her and my brother. They are having a rehearsal dinner but told my mom not to bother with it, her mom would do a better job. I wouldn't really do anything to make a fuss on her day, I was just hoping I could get out of doing the guest book now.I doubt she will be happy about her wedding day, she is just a very unsatisfiable person. (Is that a word?) I also worry about their life together but that is a can of worms that I don't even want to be involved with. I will have to sit by myself at the ceremony and the reception with the younger two kids because my mom is sitting in the front row with my stepdad and I was already told that my mom and dh will be sitting at the head table at the reception. I was told that there wouldn't be room for me there. The other problem is that I will have to see her on a regular basis forever and I really resent how she has treated my mom and sister and I. All of her bridesmaids have contributed to her wedding financially and I wonder if she knows that my dh and I wouldn't pay for anything, because of comments we have made regarding the choices they have made so far. It isn't the fact that I am not in the wedding that has me so upset but the lack of respect or affection that I feel like it shows. We have done a lot that shows how much we care about her and it seems like it has made no impression on her. I do know that I will be more careful about the things I offer to her and how willing I am to help her out if it will only be a "take" situation. Thanks for the opinions. I'll let you know how the big day goes.

By Texannie on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 09:38 pm:

I am probably misreading what you are saying, and if so, I apologize up front. BUT, it sounds like that everyone she has picked has made a financial contribution. You have made it clear that you can not or do not want to contribute. Perhaps she is trying to let you off the financial hook? Also, it sounds like you are a little upset that she isn't MORE grateful to you about the things you have done for her. It sort of sounds like you expect her to grovel a little. You have also said that you and your dh have made it clear that you didn't approve of some of the decisions she had made, if so, perhaps she feels uncomfortable asking you to participate in something that you don't agree with.
I certainly don't know all the details, just a few things sort of jump out at me. Like I said, if I misread your post, I am truly am sorry.

By Tink on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 09:57 pm:

I felt like I have shown her throughout her relationship with my brother that I care about her. I gave her all of my maternity clothes when she wasn't able to buy any and I am the one she calls for advice with her toddler. I don't expect groveling but I don't think she has been very affectionate in return. She chose her bridesmaids long before we let her know that we were surprised by the things she was buying, so I doubt that she considered that when she made her decisions. I have seen her patterns of behavior for the last 6 years and she and my brother can be "takers." I don't see her as the type to "let us off the financial hook." Dh and I are more than able to contribute, we just choose not to. I see asking someone to be a bridesmaid as an honor and a sign of friendship and affection. I would certainly have thought that we qualified as friends and I'm hurt that she doesn't return that feeling. I don't know if you misread my post or the intentions behind what I wrote.

By Kate on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 10:06 pm:

All of her bridesmaids have contributed financially to her wedding?? Sheesh! Isn't it enough to buy a dress, shoes, have hair done, and throw a shower and give shower and wedding gifts?? I'd be glad I wasn't asked if I was expected to PAY to be in it!!!

I'm sorry you're hurt, and I certainly see why you are. I would be, too. Her disregard for your little girl's feelings is inexcusable! Your daughter should have been sized/measured and assured the dress would fit! I can't imagine telling a child they can't be in it anymore cause the dress doesn't fit!! I'm SO glad it fits, for your daughter's sake!

My only advice is to try and bear with it all. I do think your husband should have refused the offer. When is this wedding?? It sounds as if he was asked at the last minute.

By Texannie on Wednesday, June 2, 2004 - 10:17 pm:

I hope that everything works out ok.

By Coopaveryben on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 12:19 am:

Over the years I have found that it is easier to keep a safe distance from my SIL's. I am there if they want to talk or need anything but for some reason it seems very emotionally straining to be "buddy's" with them. I think there is a natural jealousy between sister's and SIL's that put a sort of strain on the relationship.

I don't think what she did is right, but I also don't think it is worth the heartache it is causing you. IMHO, I think it would be best for you and your family if you just accepted what she gave you, even if it is crappy of her. However, you don't have to let her talk rude or ugly to you and especially not to your children I don't see any harm in putting a stop to that.

I truly feel for you.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 12:39 am:

I feel for you too. And have nothing special to offer but I wanted to give you a hug and say this two shall pass..... Big Warm Fuzzy Hugs....

By Vbw1978 on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 01:25 am:

you know I am going to be a little rude ....
my day is June 27 (this month)
i could care less if i hurt anyones feelings i am not going to try to do it intinally BUT if it is what i want then it is that way .. i know i hurt alot of my friend feelings cause i asked my MIL & mother to stand up w/ me - i thought that you asked the people that mean the most to you.
The size thing is BULL ! my MIL had to have a size 16 & they had it made for her no PROBLEM! that was just RUDE!

i dont think that you are over reacting just not remembering when it was your day.

The daughter thing ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr......... i cant say what i wanna say that is just soooo wrong.

I payed for all my bridesmaids dresses & tuxes (ok well my dad did -- he is paying for the majority of everything) but I did not know that it is their responsibility !

It is the MIL responsibility for the rehearsal dinner (grooms mom) . i would be happy that i did not have a huge resturaunt bill though ! :)

By Dmom on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 02:29 am:

I still think Tink has a point.

Having a grateful attitude is just good manners when someone has put a roof over your head, clothed you and helped raise your child.
Overreacting would be not to attend the wedding at all and I believe Tink has stated more than once that she is going to the wedding. The option not to go is said in jest. I love what Bea said about the commanding general.

One of the things that is kind of confusing me, is there is usually one person who kind of "puts out fires". A consultant, sometimes the MOH, sometimes the Bride's Mom. There doesn't seem to be anyone keeping an eye on the Bride.

Brides can get a little wired.

As far as people paying to be in the wedding, I have never heard of that!!! And I don't think the price of this ticket is worth the ride!

Did someone actually tell you there wasn't room for you at the head table? And they actually said that your mom was not to do the rehearsal dinner because her mom would do a better job? I'm not doubting your honesty, it's just that some of these quotes are out-and-out insulting. Were these things actually said, or were they interpeted by your family because you felt excluded by the bride?

I know you won't do anything to make a fuss on Her Day.

And The Bible, not me, The Bible, says a beautiful woman who lacks discretion is like a fine gold ring in a pig's snout, remember? So, no doubt, you are not the only one who sees these things. If her lack of discretion, manners and courtesy is obvious to people on a chat board, imagine what it must be like for the people in the Wedding Party? They probably see it, too. And they are probably just saluting The General until it's all over, also.

Right now, you may be feeling "singled out" and like you are "the only one" who sees these things. Or maybe you feel like your family is the only one who sees them, believe me, the folks in the Wedding Party see all the same stuff and are probably just smiling and gritting their teeth, too.

I am going to be very honest here. And I am probably going to sound like a "goody-goody" but here goes:

My Wedding Day was not MY DAY. It was a day to celebrate my love for my husband, my husband's love for me, and God's love for both of us. Our Wedding Invitations stated: "A Celebration of Love" "Come celebrate God's love for us and our love for each other." and it had all the usual "wedding invitation" stuff. I know a lot of brides look at their wedding day as My Day. But I think it is more of a celebration of The Day God Has Given Us As A Gift To Celebrate Each Other.

I know, I know, that is sooooo sugary sweet, but my dh and I really felt that way about it. And we had a good time. And as far as I know, everyone else had a good time, too.

Anyway, Tink, as long as you go to the wedding and smile, no, you are not overreacting. And I think you make some excellent points. Even brides can have some manners and some courtesy.

I hope the bride doesn't put on her wedding dress, her viel, flowers in her hair, get all "dolled up" and look into a mirror and see a "pig snout" !!!! (reference to scripture)

As long as you keep your modesty and discretion, you'll be fine.

After all, it's just one day, it's just one day, it's just one day, it's just one day.........

By Kittycat_26 on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 08:34 am:

This too shall pass. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Okay neither of those helps your situation. I think we've all been there and unfortunately for you, it is her day and you're going to have to be the one to "suck it up." Sorry that was the expression that I used when we dealt with my wedding day. I had both my sister and my SIL stand up for me. They can't stand each other. Seperately, I gave them the "suck it up" speech. I didn't care that they weren't happy. I was just asking them to stand side by side, not kiss, hug and become friends.

Do the guest book.

Being a bride is sort of like being in labor, you're not responsible for your actions.

By Dmom on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 10:34 am:

So, then should we drug the bride??? Where is the Morphine???

I love that. I am laughing so hard!!!!!

"Being the bride is sort of like being in labor, you're not responsible for your actions" that is TOO FUNNY!

By Tink on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 12:14 pm:

I really appreciate everyone's differing opinions on this issue. I WILL attend the wedding, I will NOT make a scene and, as some have said, it is just a day and not about me. I realize these things, but the insulting things that were said, and they were out and out said, have happened over a period of months not a few days or hours, as in labor. I feel like her true feelings and attitudes are finally coming out under the pressure, and that is what hurts. As Victoria says, you ask the people that mean the most to you and I would have thought that after the care we have shown her that she cared for us more than she apparently does. I certainly care for her more than I do my hairdresser. The bridesmaids didn't pay to be in the wedding, but they have all contributed to it eventually and I wonder if knowing that my sister and I wouldn't had any influence on whether we were asked. Really, it has become a bigger issue on here than I meant it to. This just makes me wonder how our relationship will progress after the wedding. I can see myself as much more cautious when it comes to her and how much I am willing to give.

By Yjja123 on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 12:54 pm:

Your story could be mine:
I am in a very similar situation. My sister in law is getting married next week. We are dreading the wedding and all the drama that will come with it. She asked my husband, daughter, and son to be in the wedding and stated I was too fat to be in it. Funny you heard that nonsense too--must be an epidemic among rude sister in laws. My son declined (he is 7 and the idea of being a ring bearer was just not his cup of tee). He politely declined yet SIL called and harrassed him and us for weeks asking what it was going to take to make him do it. I made her wedding programs (yes-I must have sucker stamped across my forhead) all 200 of them. Do you think she has even thanked me? Of course not--that would mean she has manners.
She has had several parties/showers/etc that we have not gone too (we live 4 hours away) and the inlaws actually came to our home on my husbands birthday and screamed at us about not going to them. The threatened to not let my daughter (flowergirl) be in the wedding.
We were just informed that there will be ANOTHER party on Sunday the day after the wedding that "we must attend". I think NOT. We have to go there Friday for rehearsal, dinner, & a party and then the wedding on Saturday. I am not doing 3 days of this. She is on her second marriage. All of these parties are just ridiculous.
My advice is---bite your lip, get through it and keep your distance. I know it is hard. I have never gotten along well with my sister in law so I do not feel betrayed the way you must. I can relate to the dread I am sure you are feeling
of having to go to the wedding. I too will be sitting without my husband (although my son will be with me) as he and my daughter will be at the head table.
Good luck!
Yvonne

By Tink on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 01:05 pm:

As always here, it is nice to know that someone else is going through something similar. Good luck at yours and I'll get through mine fine and we can compare stories afterward.

By Yjja123 on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 03:28 pm:

I have to say--this is one situation I wish neither of us had to deal with!
The sad thing is-- Weddings should be happy, fun occasions. I can honestly say, this is the first wedding I have ever thought I would rather have my wisdom teeth out instead of going. It would be less painful.

By Vicki on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 11:05 pm:

Oh boy, I won't add anything to this, but I did want to comment of the "day after party" thing mentioned above. We had a little party the day after the wedding too! It was at my MIL's house and it was just family. (both of our families) We had left overs from the wedding and opened our gifts. It was really fun and relaxing! So don't just write that off, it could be a nice time!!

By Tink on Saturday, June 5, 2004 - 12:46 am:

GGGRRR!!! Bride's mom just showed up on my doorstep at 8:15 at night so that we can "sort out the problem with the wedding." I invited her in, offered her something to drink and she sat down and proceeded to tell me that with all the money that she has spent on this, none of us better make a problem or she will find a way for us to reimburse her. This wedding is about her daughter and she (future bride) is hysterical because her future husband's family hates her and is going to ruin everything. None of us have shown any support, financial or emotional, to the couple and that they need more of a support network than just her mother. That the wedding is uniting two families and that she thought she was going to have the big family that she always wanted. We were treating her like an outcast and none of us were speaking to her. Apparently, after we found out that my dh was going to be in the wedding on Sunday, she could tell that I was upset but I still spoke to her that evening. I asked her if my dress needed to be the same colors as the wedding colors and asked if she had made plans for her son's care while they are on the cruise for their honeymoon because I would be more than happy to take him for a night or two. The answer was no to the dress colors and yes to her son's care. They will be gone for 14 days and her mom is taking care of him the whole time. Her mom said that none of us offered to help with my nephew and called me a liar when I said I had offered on Sunday. Then she said that either way, it's only 3 weeks away now and she's taken all that time off work because someone needs to take care of him. She also asked to see what I would be wearing. It is a black and pink polka-dotted silk skirt and a pink cashmere sweater. It cost me over $100, which is not easy for us at this time. Then she said that it was supposed to be periwinkle and wanted to know if my sister's outfit was the same. Um, why would it be? Because, apparently, she is doing the guest book with me. Does my sister know this? No but the couple are just kids, so it's OK if they are a little inconsiderate and have taken awhile to let her know. She told me that she thought I should dress a little more formally because a skirt and sweater really aren't appropriate. Who the heck does she think she is? Why is she here at my house without calling first? Why is she here and not the bride? And, since it was my family that she has a problem with, why was I singled out? Right now I am angry but I know this is going to be a hard night. Dh has already gone to work and I don't have anyone else to talk to. Thanks for reading my vent

By Yjja123 on Saturday, June 5, 2004 - 10:34 am:

You are not a member of the bridal party so you can wear anything you want. Your outfit sounds perfect.
Reimburse her for her daughters wedding? Excuse me but you are the sister of the groom. You have NO financial obligations whatsoever.
Zip-Zero-Ziltch.
I would have wanted to show her the door.
I have little advice because we are in similar situations. You may want to visit an etiquette section on weddings (website or books) as this woman is clearly crazy in her demands. Your outfit is perfect and I know because I too am wearing a skirt set and checked with Emily Posts advice to see if it is appropriate--It is!
((((HUGS))))
Yvonne

By Tink on Saturday, June 5, 2004 - 10:45 am:

Thanks, Yvonne. Have as good a time as you can and I will do my best also. As long as I'm quiet and out of the way, I think it should just be OK. *fingers crossed*

By Feona on Saturday, June 5, 2004 - 10:47 am:

What a minor nightmare....

By Bobbie~moderatr on Saturday, June 5, 2004 - 11:35 pm:

No kidding.... think I would be sitting down the bride and getting a few things clear... Good luck. Sounds like a fun day all the way around... NOT!!!

By Kittycat_26 on Monday, June 7, 2004 - 09:31 am:

Prayers are with you on this one. The bride you are almost obligated to tolerate; however, the mother is another story.

"Take a pill" comes to mind on this one.

By Yjja123 on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 09:56 pm:

Guess what? My sister-in-law just pulled another stunt similar to yours (are these people distance relatives or what?)
She left a 5 minute long message informing us the rehearsal dinner is formal and my daughter & I are required to wear a dress and hubby & son are REQUIRED to wear a suit to it.
It is at Steak N Ale at 5:00 PM. That is not a formal restaurant. It is now 2 days before the rehearsal (this Friday) and I cannot possibly go out and buy my hubby a suit (he is renting a tux for the wedding and his suit is too small) and dresses for my daughter and I. We both have dressy skirt sets---out to dinner dressy not "formal".
The wedding is not even formal so this is just crazy.
The invitation stated come to Steak N' Ale for a fun evening. It was printed on computer paper---hardly the invitation for a formal event.
I swear she just pulls this stuff to cause a scene. She loves being a drama queen.
At any rate, My daughter & I are wearing our skirt sets, Hubby is wearing a sport jacket over dockers (as we had planned) and my son will be in dockers and a dress shirt.
I will let ya know if they decide to scream at us. If they do we will be leaving. Enough is enough!
The biggest kick I am getting out of this is all the airs they are putting on.
My brother's wedding cost OVER $50,000!! He had a rehearsal dinner in a restored historical home and it was a 5 course meal. Did he care what anyone wore? NO! Just come and have fun. Their wedding had an orchestra. They never spoke to anyone about being "required" to do this or that. I guess my family is just more laid back.
All this pretense for the sister-in-law's wedding is just one big joke.
ARGHHHH
I hope you are having better luck with your family!
This is going to be one L O N G weekend.
Yvonne

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 10:29 pm:

Good grief. This woman is just too much. I wouldn't go out and buy new clothes just to make her happy. A steak and beer place is not the Wisconsin Room at The American Club! (formal restaurant near the Kohler Company in WI.)

By Tink on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 10:39 pm:

Nope, my luck is heading downhill. My brother called to tell me that I didn't need to come to the rehearsal or dinner and I told him that was good because I didn't plan on attending. I'd see him at the wedding. Guess who called 30 minutes later? Future Mother-in-Law! She can't believe what a selfish family I have, who do I think I am that I can't look past my own jealousy of her daughter's happiness and smile while she and my brother make the biggest decision of their lives? I told her that I planned to do exactly that at the wedding. I wasn't part of the wedding party and don't need to rehearse my part. She wasn't happy and hung up on me. I can't wait until this is all over.

By Emily7 on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 11:01 pm:

Wow your in-laws make mine look like wonderful people! Maybe its just stress from the wedding that is causing them to be b*****. I hope!

By Yjja123 on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 11:02 pm:

Shall we form an inlaws from hell support group?
Sorry to hear that you too are still having problems!
I am looking forward to Sunday (the day AFTER the wedding) we are coming home first thing (no party for us) and taking our boat out to de-stress from what is likely going to be a horrible weekend.
When is your brother's wedding?

By Yjja123 on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 11:05 pm:

:(
Mine were "b*****" before so no such luck on blaming the wedding.

By Danenbellsmom on Thursday, June 10, 2004 - 01:22 am:

I love the inlaws from hell group idea! LOL
You have a right to feel left out, but be thankful! It could be worse.

By Yjja123 on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 03:22 pm:

Well I got through it. It was a big joke. Very unprepared, unorganized, and tacky, so basically it was exactly as I expected!
The whole nonsense about dressing up formal for Steak and Ale was...interesting? We just ignored her and wore what we had planned. No one was dressed up. I am wondering now if she was hoping to have me dressed up--over dressed--to look like I was trying to upstage her. Who knows? Its over now so who cares. We survived.
Hope you get through yours!
Yvonne

By Emily7 on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 03:46 pm:

Yvonne I am glad yours went good. It does sound like was trying to pull a fast one on you with the rehersal dinner, especially if she wasn't dressed up.
Cori, I hope yours goes just as well. Keep us posted

By Tink on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 04:37 pm:

Yvonne, I'm glad it wasn't any worse than that! What a bunch of nonsense. I'm expecting this wedding to be the same and, even if it comes out great, the bride is the type that still won't be happy. We found out today that they still haven't decided on tuxes and my dh has to go on Wednesday to pick out and get fitted. That seems very last minute to me, only 10 days before. We haven't had any more communication with the bride or her mom but my brother told my mom not to bother coming to the rehearsal and that dinner was only if she wanted to. She is going just so that the bride's family doesn't have anything else to add to the gossip and so that some of the groom's family will be there. I think my dh is going and that's good. I just can't wait until this is all over. Do I have to have anything to do with them after that? Unfortunately, I think I do!

By Yjja123 on Sunday, June 13, 2004 - 07:00 pm:

"Do I have to have anything to do with them after that? Unfortunately, I think I do!"
With the brides family? Not really, unless your family has a lot of huge family (extended family) gatherings. I doubt I will ever see my sister-in- law's new inlaws again. Of course they live in another state so that helps. But her new inlaws (grooms parents) did not seem to care for her (hmm they must be smart) so its not them I would mind dealing with. It is my sister in law I can do without!
She pulled a lot of crap that we just acted as though we didn't notice. For example:
Giving everyone in the wedding party gifts except my daughter (flowergirl).
Excluding me and my son from all family photos.
Insisting we leave and meet up with my hubby and daughter later (while other family members were allowed to stay).
etc-etc-etc--
As often happens, karma is a wonderful thing. Her wedding did not go as planned. Guests were left waiting 3 hours before dinner (scheduling errors). The Flowers were not done in time. The food was horrible. The cake tasted like a mix.
Meaning "what goes around comes around". As long as you sit back and be the best person you can be--you will see the people who are treating you bad will have retribution.
Good Luck!
Yvonne

By Dawnk777 on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 12:02 am:

What an awful wedding! I don't think I have ever been to one that was that disorganized! Yikes! (A mix? Yuck!)

By Feona on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 06:43 am:

This is terrible. I actually feel bad for the bride. She is some how totally making enemies of her husbands family. I don't see how you can help her through this.


I would try to pity her and help her through this. This is if I was very nice (Which I ain't) But as a third party looking in that is the advice I have. What a mess.

It is actually terrible to not get along with your husbands family. My sil and I didn't talk for five years over a heated arguement. We eventually made up but it was a waste of time. My sister in law also hardly ever saw her brother during the five years, which not I think is very very sad.

By Tink on Monday, June 14, 2004 - 12:28 pm:

That is what I worry about. My brother and I have been so close and I really love my nephew but I haven't seen either for a long time now. I feel like she is coming between him and the rest of the family. Not her, but the situation. I realize that he is making the choice but it is hard to choose your sister over the woman you are marrying and living with. I would make the same decision if I were in his shoes. Honestly, after seeing how she has acted during all of this I couldn't care less about having a relationship with her. I would always worry about her doing something similar but I want to see my nephew grow up with his cousins and we have always been a family that includes the in-laws at Christmas and birthdays so I will see my future SIL and her mom at other functions. I really hope that this blows over when the wedding is done. I am usually the type that can't stay mad and I certainly won't hang on to this when it will influence my relationship with my brother and nephew. Oh yeah, the weekend in Tahoe got changed to a night at a casino because it was too expensive for everyone. Guess who wan't invited? But I didn't even care this time. I probably wouldn't have gone. Who would want to spend time together when we are so upset with each other? Thanks for listening to all this and its less than 2 weeks now. Deep breath, I can get through this...

By Yjja123 on Thursday, June 24, 2004 - 03:56 pm:

Tink,
Thinking of you today. Is the wedding this weekend? I hope you get through it without having to deal with anymore nonsense! Please let us know how it goes.
Yvonne

By Tink on Friday, June 25, 2004 - 09:42 pm:

Sorry, Yvonne. Yes, it is this weekend and everything is getting insane. I haven't been online in a few days. Lots of catching up to do. Apparently the reason that the bride is so mad and hateful towards me is because she thinks I stole an eyeshadow from her about 2 years ago. At least that is what she has told all of our families. I didn't touch anything of hers but my problem is why are my brother and you ready to ruin a relationship like this over an eyeshadow? My mom asked her this and she said "But it was a $16 eyeshadow!" And why is this coming up now when we have had a great relationship in the last two years. My brother broke into our house while we were on our honeymoon and stole several CD's and magazines and we just let it go. It wasn't important enough to us to start a family war over. I am so upset by this but I didn't want to rant and rave to you guys anymore since this post is already so long. The rehearsal dinner is tonight and my dh and dd are going but I was told not to come and if I did, I would be asked to leave. Nice, huh? I realize that you don't know me but my family is flabbergasted because my brother and I have always been so close and I've always been the family peacemaker. Seriously, no one ever gets mad at me! I'm such a doormat. :) I don't want to go to the wedding but my dd wouldn't understand why I wasn't there to see her be a flowergirl. I can't wait for this to be over.

By Melana on Friday, June 25, 2004 - 09:52 pm:

All I have to say is she sounds pretty petty to me, and tomorrow this will all be over, and if you want to talk to her you can, and if not, then you don't have to.

By Bea on Friday, June 25, 2004 - 11:16 pm:

Hold your breath, squint your eyes and get through Saturday. THen stay out of this nut case's way as much as possible.

By Feona on Saturday, June 26, 2004 - 06:38 am:

Nobody is going to believe you stole a eyeshadow of all things.

I don't know if I would contront her or not. What a nut case! I would stay away from her if I could.

By Beth on Saturday, June 26, 2004 - 07:46 am:

Buy Her a new eyeshadow and wrap it up in her present. LOL! Okay I know that wouldn't really be the nice thing to do. I think after all of this is over. Maybe just for peace in the family you could try inviting her out one on one. Then maybe you two could hash it out with no interference. I doubt this will work because this women sounds like she has real problems. But at least you had made the effort. I hope the day goes okay for you! ((TInk))

By Yjja123 on Saturday, June 26, 2004 - 10:19 am:

Thinking of you today. I know it will not be fun but it is 1 day. That is the only way I got through the wedding. I knew that at the end of the day the drama (for the most part) will be over.
I can't suggest you try to work this out with her because if she is like my sister in law she will never change. A lot of wonderful people on this board have helped me realize that allowing negative people in our lives is not always in our best interest.
If you can have a relationship with your brother great. If not, I would just step back and wait until he comes to his senses. If you had a great relationship before I think he will realize how much he misses his sister.
Good luck! Let us know how cute your daughter looks in her flowergirl dress. My daughter looked like a little bride in hers and it helped me focus on her that day instead of the mean bride :)
Yvonne

By Emily7 on Saturday, June 26, 2004 - 11:02 am:

I would buy her two eyeshadows & say if this all our relationship is worth to you then here you go. It is a stupid reason, I bet she is just jealous over the relationship you & your brother had. I think women like this give the rest of us bad names, I have known so many. I will be thinking of you this weekend & sending vibes that she trips going down the isle, LOL, just joking:).

By Tink on Saturday, June 26, 2004 - 12:47 pm:

I actually have a countdown to the hour it will be all over! :) 11 hours left. I wanted to take the $100 that we were going to spend on their gift on all the purple eyeshadows I could find but I decided that I would rather spend that on a nice dinner for dh and myself. So...they aren't getting a gift at all from us. DD's dress is beautiful! Her hair is in sponge rollers and I found a wreath of flowers at the florist because the bride had nothing for her. She'll be so cute! I don't know if I will confront her or not. That really isn't my style. It will be hard to not see them. I work next door to my brother and he and dh are friends so this could get really awkward. My mom has already said that they won't be invited to family events until there are apologies and I don't see that happening. I will miss seeing my nephew. He is such a sweetie. I'm feeling a lot calmer about this today. I'll just get through it as quietly as possible and thank goodness when it is over. Of course, I wouldn't mind if she fell flat on her face...J/K, I think.

By Beth on Sunday, June 27, 2004 - 08:39 am:

Dying to hear how the wedding went? I hope you made it through unscathed!

By Coopaveryben on Sunday, June 27, 2004 - 09:33 am:

yeah, I was checking to see how you did too!

By Tink on Sunday, June 27, 2004 - 01:43 pm:

It went OK. The bride and her mother and the bridesmaids never spoke to me which really isn't all bad. The wedding coordinator took over the guest book so my sister and I were without any part of the wedding after all. They set enough places at the Groom's Family's table for my mom, stepdad, dad, sister and her fiancee but said that me and the DKs would have to sit elsewhere because we took up too much room. Since we had planned on sitting wiht my family we hadn't staked out a table and ended up in the back of the reception area by ourselves. My dh spent most of the reception sitting with and hanging out with the bridal party so I was a little peeved about that. They are having a big brunch this morning that my aunts and cousins were invited to but my family and my mom weren't invited to it. I congratulated my brother and just said I wanted him to be happy and avoided the bride like the plague! The music was good, the food was ok, and my kids were angels. I'll post pictures when I get them. My mom, aunts, sister and friends all wore purple eyeshadow! I don't think that the bride noticed but it sure made us feel better! LOL Petty, aren't we? Well, I'm glad it's over and that they are gone on their cruise for 2 weeks. I have no idea what will happen then. To be continued...

By Texannie on Sunday, June 27, 2004 - 02:00 pm:

Well, at least it's over.

By Amyj on Monday, June 28, 2004 - 10:54 am:

Cori, I can relate when it comes to SILs. Just remember who's problem it is, hers. Unfortunatly, this probably won't end with the wedding. For years I let things go and finally a few months ago I spoke my mind. I wish that I had said something earlier, before I allowed myself to get so upset. You were right not to confront at the wedding or the days around it, but now you may need to tell her how you feel. Then let it go. I have had to put some distance between my SIL and myself, but I feel better about our relationship having spoken my mind. Good luck to you. Remember how much you love your brother and focus on that relationship.

By Amecmom on Monday, June 28, 2004 - 11:17 am:

Odd that a bride who is so "sophisticated" and wanted a "formal" rehearsal dinner couldn't be bothered to have place cards and tables set up in advance ...

Glad it's over. Sorry it was such and ordeal.
Love the purple eyeshadow gag!

Ame

By Emily7 on Monday, June 28, 2004 - 11:49 am:

Its great to know you had the support of all your friends & family.
I agree with Ame, place cards should have been set up if it was so formal. My goodness she is such a B****, for not letting you sit with your family. Way to hold your head up high.

By Tink on Monday, June 28, 2004 - 09:17 pm:

Thanks for the support, everyone. Amy, what do you do about neices and/or nephews? I really want to be a part of his life but I don't dare go over to their house when just my brother is home with my nephew for fear that something will turn up "missing" and I love my nephew so much. I would hate to not be a part of his life. I probably won't confront her. I just know that she is the type that has decided that she is the victim and nothing is going to change her mind. I'm very glad that there weren't any obvious problems at the wedding and I'm proud of the way I acted. It could have been a real disaster and she would have loved the excuse for drama because she would have gotten to play the victim to an even bigger audience.

By Feona on Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - 06:56 am:

Now she is going to tell everyone she mets for the rest of her life how you didn't give her a present on her wedding. I would send her something. You can get a super cheap cake plate or vase at tj maxx or picture frame.

Love the purple eyeshadow everyone wore.

By Tink on Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - 12:16 pm:

Sorry, Feona, I just don't think I can be the bigger person in this aspect. I have gotten through the last few years of them buying a gift for my ds's birthday and nothing for my dds when their's comes around. Their excuse is that it is too expensive to buy for both of them at once. Their birthdays are 5 days apart. This year I even bought gifts that I claimed were from them so that the girls' feelings wouldn't be hurt. I'm just not willing to take one more extra step. I figure that she is going to talk badly about me regardless of how hard I try so I just won't try anymore.


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