I don't know what to do?????
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive November 2006:
I don't know what to do?????
I have myself quite a situation. I have been dating a man for about 1yr and half. We have had a very good relationship. We both have just been recently divorced. I have a child and he has 2 children. He is 16 years older then I am. So, here is what happened...we were away this weekend and had tickets to go see a show that I have been wanting to see forever now, but anyway...Friday we had such a great night. It was wonderful! Saturday morning we got up and I went on his laptop. Well, to my surprise I found out basically that he has had this "secret" email address for over a year now. I finally figured out the password and when I logged on, I was totally shocked at what I saw. He had all this bulk mail from sites and also, he had been on dating services and had emails from different women. So, I like totally flip out and he is so nervous and shaking trying to explain. He said he did not cheat on me, he has just been talking to woman here and there that have web cams. I am just so hurt and so still in shock. The first thing that I thought of was the singer Sara Evans and what she is going through with her husband. But, I must say...I am a very open minded person and the doesn't bother me. But, I feel that he totally crossed the line by chatting with other women. I feel betrayed and so hurt inside. I just never ever would have thought he would have done something like that. So, I am here to ask you women what you would have done. I ended up leaving the hotel where we were staying and went home. He has been trying to call me and he texts me all the time. But, I don't even want to hear his voice at this point. I told him it was over and that he is a fool. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation that could possible offer some advice?
(((HUGS))) Yes,he did betray you.Why does he need to talk to other woman?,and with a webcam.If hes had this secret email addy for over a year,then it sounds like your relationship has been built on lies. You really don't know him,and he hasn't really given his total self to you.I'm sorry you're going through this.I have no advice for you,this is a personal decision for you.Could you trust him again? (((HUGS)))
The purpose of dating is to find out about a person and decide if they are marriage material. If he could do this to you after dating a year and a half, then he could have done this to you during marriage as well. Perhaps this is why he is divorced. It is better that you know now than after you have exchanged marriage vows and possibly even had another child together.
I know that you didn't ask for this advice, but I strongly suggest you stop dating and having sex and devote your attention to your child until he/she is at least 18. You are upset over this break up. The energy and attention you have given to this guy during the dating and now during the aftermath could have gone to your child. Did your child become attached to this man as well? How does your child feel now, knowing that the ties have now been severed? Your child just more or less lost a father to divorce. It would not be wise to have your child endure any more on again/off again relationships while he/she is still young. Your child is your first priority, not your love life.
I hope you have the strength to drop him and move on with your life and with your child. I wish you good luck. ((((HUGS))))
The trust is totally gone...I had the same thing happen with my husband, only without webcams, but he was writing women in the pron industry and I was so hurt. I look back and that's why I don't fully trust him. I should have left him because I'm always checking up on him now...it's the WRONG way to live. Get someone trustworthy! They're out there!!!!
What is the deal with all the men? I have heard of so many relationships ending like this. We left a church just over a yr ago, that had divorce after divorce going on because of men being addicted to ****, and many of them had cheated and said that they did not. And these were couples that no one would have *ever* suspected would end up divorced...Many of these people were well educated people with great careers. Beautiful wive's and children, beautiful homes... My sil's dh of 20 yrs who was a preacher... same scenario and now they are divorced. It is so sad.
I think the internet can be a really good thing in some ways and in other ways it can be so damaging.
I am very sorry you are going thru this! I can tell you that I have been through some things along these lines (not exactly like your scenario). However, I am married and we have a child together. My dh is 15 yrs older than me. Do yourself a favor... don't answer the phone!! ;)
You did the right thing telling him it's over!! Congrats! Good for you! Get some girl friends to come over, break out the ice cream and have a breakup party to make it official. Don't doubt yourself. Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing! It's hard, it hurts and it s*cks, but you did the right thing!
Ditto what everyone else said! And Lisa, I TOTALLY agree with you about devoting oneself to your child until your kids are older. I know that it is lonely, and that women have needs, too, but it is very difficult for the children who get attached to another parent figure.
I, too, wonder if that is why he is divorced. You would have never been able to trust him.
These stupid men! I have seen the marriages of both daughters of a friend of mine dissolve because of the same situation. The internet just makes this stuff much more available and accessible. One of the girls that I just mentioned came home and found her husband mas******ing in front of the computer. He is now her EX-husband.
I thought of something else, too. Since you didn't know this guy as well as you thought you did, how safe do you think that your child was around him? There are some real sickos out there.
I would be real selective about who gets to come around your child.
I'm sorry that you were so hurt, but I am with the others and feel that you "dodged a big bullet" by finding out now. (((HUGS)))
Thanks for all the input! I must say one thing tho, my child does come first in my life! I am only 28 years old, I do not plan on being single and refrain from sex until my child who is 3 turns 18. That's kind of crazy if you ask me! But, I agree that he should come first in my life and I do put him first always! My ex husband and I have a great relationship and have shared custody of our son and are very much devoted to him. I have ended our relationship with this man and you all are right, I know I would have some serious trust issues with him. I told him it was over and have not spoke with him. I just needed to vent and see how other woman felt about the situation. Thanks so much!
I haven't read the other posts, but here is how I feel. Whether or not it was harmful in his eyes, it crossed your personal boundaries. You should not compromise your own personal boundaries. You did the right thing by leaving him. (((((hugs))))) vent anytime
I did not mean to post the above "anonymous". I don't know what happened. Anyway, ((((hugs)))) to the original anonymous
I think you are right - he did something that makes you not trust him, and then, even worse, tried to justify it as being alright. And if this action - looking at that stuff and/or being in communication with women (with a video-cam, no less) makes you feel icky (as it surely would me), then ending the relationship is absolutely the right thing to do.
As for your dating life, yes, your son is 3 and for you to refrain from relationships, even intimate relationships, for 15 years is not realistic. I separated from my ex when my youngest was 9, and I certainly didn't intend to be dateless or celibate. But, one of my rules included no sleep-overs - and I note you were at a hotel, which I think is a good idea. I did not want my sons to have some man who was neither my husband or fiance sharing breakfast with them. I had two reasons for this - one was the concern about them building an attachment to a man when I wasn't sure where the relationship was going, and I knew that I would be preaching celibacy to them as they were in their teens and didn't want them to say "But mom, you .....". These are both important reasons.
As I said, I am not suggesting you remain dateless or celibate. I am guessing that you are managing your life so that most of your dating is scheduled for times when your son is with his father - and if not, I would suggest that. If you are lucky enough to meet a guy who is probably the right guy, and he proves himself over time, then is the time to start introducing him to your son (but still not overnights, in my opinion).
I know "times have changed", but I also know that trying to raise children with values means you have to model what you preach to them, or at least not get caught modeling what you really don't want them to do. You have to think ahead, and I guarantee you that no teenager is going to accept that there is a difference in what is appropriate for an adult (25+) or a teen, and you really don't want to get caught up in that.
There is, of course, the other issue - the health issue. I have a close friend who married a guy who gave her herpes. And we all know about men who are not honest or exclusive about their sex lives and give women all kinds of STDs. Some of my women friends have a rule that until and unless the guy they are dating makes an absolute commitment to exclusivity, he uses condoms - no exceptions. And both have a blood test before engaging in "unprotected" sex. Any man who balks at using condoms, with all we know today about STDs, is putting his desires ahead of your safety, and that's one way to measure what he puts first.
Anyhow - you made the right decision. And you do have to think about your son - the issue of him getting attached to a man who might not be a permanent part of his life, and the issue of having to explain sex to him before he or you are ready. So thoughtful thinking ahead and discretion are recommended.
A final thought. Your having access to his laptop was a fluke, and that you managed to figure out his password - while an invasion of privacy - was also a fluke. Maybe before you decide to become intimate with another man, one of the many conversations you need to have is about this kind of behavior - how he feels about looking at or maybe more than looking at this stuff.
I'm 67, and a fairly tight-laced person generally (and always have been), and I am not open minded about this stuff. I know that men look at women, and if a guy enjoys Playboy or Sports Illustrated, I can live with that. But buying magazines or visiting websites devoted exclusively to this stuff - that I don't see tolerating. If a guy gets off looking at women in provocative poses and clothing (or lack thereof), I think it says something about his attitude towards s e x, and it is an attitude that the woman is there to please him and to be used. The videocam thing says to me that the guy is interested only in self-gratification or satisfaction and not in the give-and-take of a real relationship with a real woman. Same with telephone sites.
Ginny - I couldn't agree with you more. I, too, am "old school" (or as my DS's say, "from back in the day"), but decency is decency and I would be very wary of a man who has a need to look at , especially real live women via electronic media, or engages in "virtual" sex. I, too, feel that it says it all about how he values (or doesn't value) women.
The way things are today, if I were single, I would insist on condoms until marriage. Our age group, the 55+ group is one of the fastest growing age demographics, after college kids, for HIV transmission. Drugs like Viagra and the fact that women generally live longer than men, have made men a hot commodity in retirement communitites. They are like a rooster in a hen house, with their pick of women, so a lot of them "make the rounds".
Also, I totally agree about not modeling behaviour that we are trying to keep our children from. My sister went from man to man after her divorce. She would either have them sleep over, leave her kids alone all night to sleep over at his house, or move in with some guy for a while, shifting her kids from home to home. There was lot of alcohol involved, and she would leave the kids with sitters while she was out and about. Consequently, my niece was raped one night by a teenaged male babysitter. She has never told her mother to this day. My sister also moved herself and the kids in with a guy for a while who had a very unhealthy interest in my niece, and was abusive to my nephew. My niece is gay today and I have wondered if what she experienced at such a tender age turned her against men.
And, Anon, it was never my intention to imply that you DIDN'T put your son first. It appears that you are very responsible because you did have the overnight date with this man AWAY from home, as was mentioned, and you DID dump him when you found out what he was. You are a young woman and there are a lot of nice young men closer to your own age, some never married, that are available to date. You will meet someone nice who is worthy of you and your little boy. Just keep your standards high. ((HUGS))
My main concern with and the virtual aspect of it all is not that men enjoy looking at naked women,but the fact that he has a naked woman available and a relationship as an outlet emotionally and physically for those desires and needs yet chooses to look at the computer. It shows a lack of ability to really connect with someone real. I wouldn't trust that he would be emotionally available or able to fulfill the other aspects of the relationship as he should.