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VERY sad right now

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: VERY sad right now
By ~harlena on Thursday, February 12, 2009 - 07:34 am:

well, Dh's aunt and surrogate grandmother to our four kiddos is currently in the hospital with cancer. I asked for prayers before (thank you guys !) and I'm still praying for a miracle .... but things are NOT looking up.

Dh has been down there (they're out of town) and commuting back and forth daily (to help out his Uncle) and I've gone down a few times myself this past week. It is VERY sad.

She was diagnosed with liver cancer in Jan. They can't find the primary cancer site (liver cancer is a secondary cancer) Oncologist just said yesterday or the day before that he doesn't expect her to make it through the week.

Everyone is doing what you do in these circumstances, her two sons have come into town in tandem (we're in FL, one son lives in Seattle and the other in Baltimore) Multiple early morning calls for Dh to go down for whatever reason (help out with insurance issues, secure hospital bed/wheelchair, wait in Dr's office for somebody to talk with about the necessary fax, you know all that stuff it's hard to do when your wife is dying of cancer in a hospital bed, somebody has to do it) .... he's always been close to his Uncle (Aunt is his blood relative) and Dh is the only support system that the uncle has here (they are 'snowbirds', live in NY half the year, have a condo down here) and Dh is really REALLY being a great support for him. I've thanked God that Dh has been able to a) take the necessary time off work (on a daily basis) to help him and b) have the emotional stamina to help in the first place. I've also let Dh know how wonderful it is of him to "be there" for his Uncle (and ultimately his Aunt) right now. I know as a mom, nobody ever notices what you do, and I didn't want him to think his effort and compassion were going unnoticed, ya know ?

I just can't seem to NOT be sad. It's very difficult to watch someone die. Everything seems colored by this right now ... Dd's birthday is Monday, I have to get up the emotional-whatever to pull it off for her, but the excitement over Valentine's Day or putting together GirlScout Thinking Day activities just isn't in me right now ....

I'm sure this is normal, I've done this before. Strangely enough my grandmother died of liver cancer in 2001. She was diagnosed in May, declined any and all treatments, and went home to die. Unfortunately that was a longer process than she thought it would be .... I think she felt since she was "ready to die" that she'd go to sleep and then just wake up in heaven. It took 4 months for that to happen. This is a different situation, as Aunt is fighting the cancer, but Dh came in last night from the hospital and said he doesn't even see her leaving the hospital room she's currently in.

Just very sad right now.
Thanks for listening guys.

By Chelle on Thursday, February 12, 2009 - 09:16 am:

Your family is in my prayers.

By Kateg on Thursday, February 12, 2009 - 05:50 pm:

{{{HUGS}}} and lots of prayers to your family. I watched my beloved uncle die several years ago of liver cancer. It ripped my heart out and I still have emotional days of just missing him. One of the things I did for him the last time I saw him, he was still able to communicate was get him a basket of little gifts...from a pinwheel to blow to little things...he was laughing when he was blowing that brought a laugh to a rememberance of life before he died. Hang in there...lots of thoughts & prayers.

By Colette on Thursday, February 12, 2009 - 09:34 pm:


By Northcountrymom on Friday, February 13, 2009 - 09:30 am:

Hi Harlena,

I'm sad with you. Its hard feeling so powerless. Hope you can connect with that community of people connecting around you even in your sadness. There is a moment to be captured - her goodness has helped create this community, these sons, your husband, you, your children. I know you're a writer. Maybe journaling her goodness or dig out past journals, scrapbooks, collages -before she's passed.

My children have gained much during these terrible sadnesses when invited into the process (not just the business of sickness and dying and wills etc. but the celebration of her life). Otherwise their helpless watchers of our sadness or busyness.

That means different things for different people but maybe there is a way to affirm and celebrate her even as she's still with you (I just read Kateg's post and it gives that kind of example).
I can tell you're good at that.

Still praying in faith for your miracle. Also for your husband to have extra energy and strength. Sounds exausting what he's doing (what you're doing too).

By the way has anyone told you today how much you bless others.

You are awesome.

By Dawnk777 on Friday, February 13, 2009 - 03:50 pm:


By Feona on Saturday, February 14, 2009 - 07:35 am:

My aunt had the multiple cancers too and died from the treatment in the hospital so I think she might have made the right decision. ( I think she was far along in the cancer)

It is terrible not be be able to do anything for her. I remember the first person I saw who was dying. I wanted to make it all better. I guess it is our maternal instincts?

Hugs and our thoughts are with you and the family.

Our bodies are so fragile, we should wake up in amazement everyday that we are still walking around. Every day and moment is a gift.

By Northcountrymom on Tuesday, February 17, 2009 - 01:27 pm:

How was the weekend. Are you guys off from school so you can spend time with your husband's aunt?

Been praying.

You're in my thoughts,

By ~harlena on Thursday, February 26, 2009 - 02:51 pm:

hi guys !

Just wanted to check back in ..... it's been a rough couple of weeks.

Sorry I haven't been on here, but I'm back now .... and wanted to thank all of you.

"Uncle Joan" (as she's known in our house) died at 6am Sun, Feb 15th. We had the wake on my daughter's birthday (Monday) the little guys didn't go, but they were aware ofcourse. Dh told each of them that she'd gone to be with God and Jesus. Everyone was expecting it, but my dd took it the hardest, she's 7 (8 now) and a very compassionate little one. The funeral was on Tuesday. Family started leaving on Wednesday. That was a week ago.

Then we got sick, ds (he's 3, almost 4) got very sick, fever of 103+. Bronchitis with some viral thing which Dr said was causing the fever. He's feeling better now, but his cough sounds like he's been smoking for the last 50 years (he's never even around second hand smoke, I'm just 'trying' to be funny here !) Then I started feeling sick, took my temp, yepper, I had a fever too.

Doing better today, and I think maybe (at least my sickness) was my body reacting to all the emotional stress of the last month or two. This is the first day all week that I haven't had to be right by the little guy. Nights have been rough, usually I do a lot of my work when everyone's asleep, but when the little ones are sick (at least mine) I have to be right there. Sometimes sleeping underneath, or right beside, and if I move, somehow they know and wake right up. Anyway, the little guy is starting to perk back up.

We were very VERY close to "Uncle Joan" and I miss her a great deal. Just knowing that she's no longer around is incredibly sad. I know she's in a better place, and free from pain. But honestly, I didn't stop praying for the miracle until I went to visit her (2 days before she died) and I imagined an angel in the corner of her hospital room, ready to escort her Home. The same thing happened when my grandmother died. I told Uncle Joan that I loved her, that I knew she loved us, that there was love on this side for her and love on the other side waiting for her. At that point I stopped praying for a miracle and instead started praying for her to feel all the love that we all felt for her, and the love waiting for her on the other side. That's all I wanted for her in the end, just to know she was surrounded by love.Tears still come when I think of it.

Thank you guys for all of your support and kind words.

By Feonad on Friday, February 27, 2009 - 07:05 am:

Sorry to hear your Uncle Joan passed away. She must have been very special for you to grieve so much. Prayers for you and your family in this difficult time.

By Northcountrymom on Friday, February 27, 2009 - 01:41 pm:

Hi Harlena,
So glad to hear from you but so sorry about all thats happened. I'm terribly sorry that you lost your special "Uncle Joan". How is your husband in all this?

We have had those spiritual awareness moments when we've had to let go but I'm sure it was still amazing and terribly hard. Thank you Lord for the angel.

You, the kids and your husband are still very much in my thoughts and prayers.


By ~harlena on Monday, March 9, 2009 - 11:48 pm:

thank you guys for your encouraging words ....

Things have gotten better, we check in on Uncle Frank (Uncle Joan's husband) weekly, he is planning on going back to NY to stay, selling the condo (although I don't know how that will happen in this market, but it could, I'm sure) and we'll also miss his presence, we don't get to NY very often, but they came down here every year !

It was a very sad time, and I still miss her, but I spoke with a very dear friend of mine during that whole sad couple of weeks, and she prayed with me a number of times, it helped .... now we just go on, basically because we have to ....

Did I tell you I got a ticket on the way to pick up family the day of the funeral ? Talk about a lousy day ! I an NOT joking here !!! $91 out of my pocket because I was worried about being late, very sad and not paying attention to that doggone speedometer.

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