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Marriage type question...

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Marriage type question...
By Anonymous on Thursday, December 4, 2008 - 08:03 am:

I did not know where else to ask this. When I met my husband I was not attracted to his looks. I fell in love with his personality/his heart. Although I was in my late 20's when I met him, he was the first person I had ever fallen in love with. We have been married over 10 years. Like a lot of marriages, we have out ups and downs.Even through out our marriage, I never was really attracted to his looks. I know it seems shallow, but I loved him/love him for him not the way he looks. I have learned even the most beautiful people can be some of the ugliest people on the inside.
I am not attractive either. I am the first person to put myself down looks wise. I did not want people to think I am some beauty queen, because I am far from that.

Every once in awhile when my husband is feeling neglected(kids, jobs, money,stress) he will say it is because he doesn't feel like I am attracted to him. Well truthfully I am not physically attracted to him, but that is not the reason why we don't connect at times.

How do I tell him something like that? Why do I feel so shallow because I feel that way. I do love him, he is a good person, a great provider, but I did not fall in love with him because of looks. Yet, he brings this up when he feels us slipping apart.

Just a confusing time sometime.

By Cybermommyx4 on Thursday, December 4, 2008 - 09:35 am:

Inner beauty lasts a lot longer than outer beauty. If you love this man, and he loves you, and you love your children, you are blessed! I don't think you should ever tell him that you are not physically attracted to him...that would be devastating to most men. How would you feel if he told you he didn't find you attractive? (I'm assuming this is not the case, by the way!) How would you feel if you lost him tomorrow? I'm not trying to be harsh...sometimes we just need a little reminder about the worth and "beauty" of someone who loves us NO MATTER WHAT. All I can suggest is that you try to concentrate on what you DO love about your husband, and treat him the way you want to be treated. We all feel neglected at times, and if you start the day with the attitude that you are going to try to make him feel special that day, it will come back to you. Sorry if I'm rambling....I hope it makes sense. Best of luck :)

By Vicki on Thursday, December 4, 2008 - 10:09 am:

How do you tell him something like that?.... short answer, you don't. Looks can only get you so far and if you fall in love with someone just because they look good and nothing more, it isn't going to last. You have to love who the person is inside. I do think you could start a conversation with him by saying something like the distance between us has nothing to do with me being attracted to you because I am. And that is the truth, just because you may not have been physically attracted to him, that doesn't mean you are not attracted to him.... emotional attraction is just as strong.

By Anonymous on Thursday, December 4, 2008 - 10:29 am:

I too wasn't attracted to my other half because of his looks. We met online and talked for weeks and weeks before we even met in person/exchanged pictures. I love him because of the person he is not because of what he looks like. We have been together now for seven years.

I look at him sometimes and I think "What am I doing with this man when I'm this young and he's this much older and I could be with someone like say some of the more physically attractive men that I meet through my job that do pay attention to me."

The answer is simple because he makes me laugh, cry, smile, frown, want to smack him when he drives my little car the way he would his monstrous truck, because when I'm hurt or scared or upset he's still the first person I want to call, who's arms I want wrapped around me, who I want to comfort me. Because he's the great guy who you can see that my daughter loves so much.

My dh and I have had this conversation and it's not that I no longer find him attractive (and I don't believe attraction is about only about the physically attractive person). I've met some great looking guys who are utter a**holes.

I personally don't think it sounds shallow to love him NOT because of how he looks. I'd be concerned if you loved him only because of the way he looks.

Men I have discovered need to feel you love them just as much as if not more than us women do.

I agree that what you need to do is try to make him feel special as often as you can...what kinds of things did you do for him when you first fell in love with him that you don't do anymore? Try doing some of those things for him. Believe me I know how hard this can be.

Going anon in case my dh stumbles across this.

By Imamommyx4 on Thursday, December 4, 2008 - 11:38 am:

When he says something like that, I wouldn't even acknowledge the physical attraction comment. I would just go straight to the source of distance. Honey, we're not connecting right now because I'm tired, you've been working late, the kids' stuff has me stressed, whatever....I love you more now than the day we met, you're my best friend, I'd rather be with you than anyone, you make me laugh, cry, etc...Sit and snuggle.

Daddy always said, "if you can't say something nice truthfully, don't say anything."

By Anonymous on Thursday, December 4, 2008 - 01:36 pm:

Thank you for all your nice replies. I was so worried that you all would think I am shallow. If any of you knew me in real life, you would see I am so down to earth, and not shallow at all.
Of course I would never tell him this is how I feel about his looks. It is hard for me to lie and say "Honey, you are so Hot!", Or "Honey, you are just so handsome"... I just can't do it. I am just not a good at that.All my adult life I've always had the strongest connections with peoples personalities, never by looks.When I first met my husband, it seemed like he was the person I was waiting for all my adult life, but not just looks wise.
It is hard to talk about this with people, without people thinking the worst of me.

By Kaye on Thursday, December 4, 2008 - 02:54 pm:

I think you got some great responses here. I will add though, my hubby really needs to hear me say how much I adore him. He doesn't say that, but I know he does. We are in the "more to love" size, so I get what you are saying about looks. I mean really if I said to my hubby oh you are so hot he would probably laugh, we are pretty real about how we look. BUT I do find ways to make sure he knows how much he is appreciated in my life and why I find him attractive. Things like he will vacuum the floors, if I catch him I say "nothing is hotter than a man with a vacuum", or it really turns me on to see you doing dishes". All of those things are true, but also get across what he needs to hear. I adore him and am attracted to the package that he is.

I think the fact that your husband talks to you about his feelings, shows he really cares for you and really needs you to reciprocate. Unfortuatnly men and women are so different and how we receive and give love is so different. Your marriage will be stronger if you can figure out how to express how you feel to him, but in his language.

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