DH went to Tampa and came back with a receipt that dated him at a place called "Hunt Bar" and it said 12/15 00:45 on it. He said he went to sleep that night but he went there at 9:30pm and it's not just a bar, but a bar and liquor store. He said he got some whiskey and coke (it was $14.35)and then headed back to the room. Are receipts ever wrong? He's made because I don't believe him. I have a hard time trusting him because he's lied to me in the past. He's never cheated on me but he lies about certain websites he goes to, and one time he lied about where he was one night...he went to a strip club with his buddies. (This happened 5 years ago.) He says I should just trust what he says, not what the receipt says and that he's tired of me not trusting him. It's hard to forget about the past. What should I tell him?

By Karen~moderator on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 09:38 am:

Well, you probably don't want to hear this, but I'd be really skeptical. 00:45 is 12:45 AM and though it's possible the receipt is incorrect, I'd say it's not likely.

It could very well be a liquor store, but that's really not the point. If he's telling you he's tired of you not trusting him, then he needs to earn your trust back. However, if he feels like you are checking up on him and giving him the third degree about stuff, that might make him more likely to lie to you, or *alter* the truth.

Have the two of you ever gone to counseling? It might be a good idea. It's hard to rebuild trust once it's broken.

By Andi on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 10:13 am:

I would say, just the fact that you are questioning all of it is a bad sign. I really don't think the information on the receipt is wrong, do you?
I think if the two of you are seriouse about staying together there needs to be trust. Without trust there is no way for you to have a solid relationship. I agree with Karen...you really need to think about counseling if you want to trust him again.

Hope it all works out for you.

By Rayanne on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 10:38 am:

I agree with what Andi and Karen both said.
If you do not trust your DH, then you do not have a solid relationship. I think that counseling would be something to consider.

By Emily7 on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 11:07 am:

I used to manage a motel & sometimes our receipts showed the wrong time if the power went out & we forgot to reset it. Sometimes certain businesses are just not as careful as others. I think that if you want to trust him then believe what he says. Yes he has to earn your trust back, but you have to be willing to give it back.
Another thought would be, if you live in a place that is 3 hours behind Tampa, maybe he did not set his watch, he could have very well thought it was around 9:30. $14.35 is not going to buy a lot of drinks in a bar.
What does it matter what time he went to store?

By Vicki on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 11:26 am:

I have to agree with Karen and Andi on this one. Althought it is POSSIBLE that their receipts are off on time, I would consider it to be highly unlikely. Espically being a bar and having possible legal action ever taken against them for someone serving someone too much and all of that, I would think they would be extra careful that all of their receipts were correct. Espically with the time. My whole thing on this is that if there is nothing to hide, he should be hiding nothing. If he is lying about where he is and at what time, there is usually a reason for the lies. This is a tough one.

By Happynerdmom on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 11:41 am:

I agree with Karen. My mom would give me the third degree about everything, and I wasn't doing anything! You get to where you lie about innocent things just because it may *look* suspicious to the other person. Consequently, I am very careful not to be this way. Are you looking for things to be suspicious about? If someone feels that they are constantly paying for crimes they didn't commit, be careful...one day they will figure since they're going to pay for it anyway, they might as well enjoy the crime.

By Palmbchprincess on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 11:41 am:

It's pretty unlikely. I've worked in bars, and the time on the receipt is the time they run the card. Now if it's a bank statement (like online banking) that could be a different story, because they often close out after midnight on the machine, in a whole batch of receipts. But if you have the hard copy, I'd agree he's probably not being honest.

By Breann on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 11:52 am:

I agree with Karen and Andi as well. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

By Kim on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 04:53 pm:

Call the place and ask what kind of bar it is. I am bad, aren't I? But I would have called before accusing.

By Anonymous on Saturday, December 18, 2004 - 10:02 pm:

Thanks, everyone. You ALL are so level headed. Today was a LONG day to say the least. The receipt, by the way, was a printed receipt and I found out it had the wrong date/time on it. I checked our American Express online today and it said 12/14...so, he was right. So, here I sit questioning myself as to why I don't trust him. Our past has not helped, but to make matters worse, I think it's bc my dad cheated on my mom. My mom told me, for 25 years, that I needed to make sure that didn't happen to me. "To be smart, and trust your instincts"...well, that got me the husband, but not the marriage. He IS a GREAT husband and I just need to take his word for things. I was just worried and wondering why he didn't tell me about his jaunt to the liquor store...plus, it said it was a "bar". (Also proved to be a liquor store too.) I was just picturing him going to this bar in Tampa in the middle of the night and he didn't tell me. I had every right to put up a "red flag" and ask him questions. But, I should trust his responses. He has proven himself over the years and has grown. It's just SO hard for me to trust any guy...I'm going to see a counselor to resolve my past and the divorce my parents had. (I thought all this time I had that situation beat! Guess not...)
Should I have my DH come too? I feel like he does not sympathize with my past...his parents were married for 27 years and split for different reasons. He says I use it as a crutch. That really hurts my feelings.

By Missmudd on Sunday, December 19, 2004 - 10:37 am:

definately take the DH. You have issues, he has issues w/ your issues, he needs to learn how to deal positively w/ your issues. Also while you are working all this out, it is much more helpful to have DH in on the therapy so he knows whats going on 1rst hand and can be supportive in your healing. Also it will help his own personal issues, while you are suspicious, he is acting suspicious probably to avoid any discussion of his behavior. Thats not a healthy way to be either. GL, I am glad that your suspicions were unfounded.

By Karen~moderator on Sunday, December 19, 2004 - 11:45 am:

For sure! I understand the betrayal your mom must have felt, but your mom, IMO (and we all know what they say about opinions! LOL) has hurt you and contributed to your trust issues by constantly telling you that. You were taught NOT to trust. Please don't take that personally - but you live what you learn.

Whether the date on the receipt was wrong or not is unimportant now. You do need help in resolving your issues, but it's just as important for you and your DH to get some help together and resolve YOUR issues. Trust is a very fragile thing, and it's the foundation of a strong marriage. You have to learn to let go of things in the past to move forward. I hope your DH gets into counseling with you. Good luck!

By Bobbie~moderatr on Monday, December 20, 2004 - 12:18 am:

I personally think you should go by yourself at first. I think you need to get things out and air them and get a base line set up with the counselor. Work through some personal issues and then ask him to attend with you. After the counselor knows you, your history and your current situation he/she will be more able to help your DH understand why and where you are coming from. I am sure anyone that has done the couples therapy thing can attest to the fact that often things get said that don't come through clearly and the other person gets upset and refuses to go back. If you go in on your own you can sort it all out to the point of having a clear state of mind to involve DH in the process of dealing with all you are going through.

And your mom was wrong to put her marriage issues off on you... Which is exactly what she did. And I know what it is like to have a cheating father and trust issues with men there after. You can over come those issues. But you have to get things into perspective and you need to be able to express to DH what he is up against in a frame that he will understand. Thus the help of a counselor to explain it to him...