......go to a Bachelor Party that consisted of strippers and possibly lap dances and who knows what else?

My SIL is getting married Dec 2005 so its a little while until this is a concern but I *know* the guy shes marrying will do this and will invite my DH. I already turned down an early invite to the Bachelorette Party that consists of hands on male nudity for pure respect of my DH and plus i'm not interested in that stuff. DH says its rude not to go if hes invited but I told him it will put quite a gap in our relationship due to his past. His family *will* give him a hard time for not going since he wont be able to "have fun with the boys" so I have to prepare for that as well. After all it was his Stepmom that invited me to hands on strippers right in front of DH. How Rude!

Anyways, i'm sure of most of your opinions but I thought i'd throw this out there anyhow.

By Emily7 on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 10:26 pm:

Trust is a very important part of marriage. I know that in the past he has done things to question the trust you had with him, but you choose to move on with your marriage. I do not like this form of entertainment & do not understand what is so facinating about it. I do feel that if you trust him you should let him make his choice with out it causing a rift in your marriage. Just utter the words "I trust you sweetie" before he leaves, it always worked for my Mom. Him going probably has less to do with what the entertainment will be & more to do with his family.
If I remember right you have gone to your church for marital help in the past, maybe talk to some one in the church about this.
With all that said, I would have a hard time letting my dh go!

By Andi on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 10:57 pm:

Some may think I'm crazy but yes, I would. My DH had 3 strippers at his Bachelor party and they did plenty of things to him that embarressed the you know what out of him. He told me all about it the next day and I saw plenty of photos. I trust him 100% and know that it's all in good fun.
I agree with Emily, if you are going to make things work after what he did to you in the past you are going to have to trust him. You can't watch his every move or know where he is at all times. You can't make him pay for that mistake forever if you made the decision to stay with him.
I can understand why you would be nervous about letting him go but if it's something he wants to do I think you need to let him. I would be sure to let him know what your concerns are and why you are feeling uncomfortable with it but you are his wife not his mother. (I mean that in the nicest way possible)

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 11:03 pm:

Thanks for the advice so far and I disagree Andi, in a very respectful way, though. I just dont understand the stripper thing. Your suppose to have found the love of your life when you get married, the one you could do nothing without, the only one that makes you feel *that special* etc.... so why do people need that "one last night" unless they think that marriage is a trap, as i've heard people say. When DH and I married the LAST thing on my mind was another man and at that time he cared less about other women. JMO though, I know others differ and thats great. I come to Momsview because we can post our differences and still come out happy and not have grudges in the end.

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 11:03 pm:

Thanks for the advice so far and I disagree Andi, in a very respectful way, though. I just dont understand the stripper thing. Your suppose to have found the love of your life when you get married, the one you could do nothing without, the only one that makes you feel *that special* etc.... so why do people need that "one last night" unless they think that marriage is a trap, as i've heard people say. When DH and I married the LAST thing on my mind was another man and at that time he cared less about other women. JMO though, I know others differ and thats great. I come to Momsview because we can post our differences and still come out happy and not have grudges in the end.

By Kate on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 11:07 pm:

No, I would not. I feel this is one issue where YOU have every right to DEMAND he not go. Every wife and every husband has this right to insist their spouse steer clear of this sort of thing. I wouldn't worry about what his family thinks since you don't agree with it. He'll be the one member of his family who will be able to hold his head high if he doesn't go. Good luck.

By Kay on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 11:13 pm:

I guess what struck me as amusing about this thread was the wording...'would you *let* your dh go to a bachelor party'.

Neither my dh nor I are under any delusions, especially after 22 years, that the other 'allows' us to do anything.

By Theresa_Momma on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 11:20 pm:

My husband just recently attened a bachelor party where they went to a bar with strippers. From what I gather to get anything hands on costs a lot amount of money. And the whole point of the bacholer party was for the groom to get his lap dance what have you. It didn't bother me that he went. Before the date came we dicussed what could possibly happened and I told him that I didn't want him to recieve his own personal lap dance, what have you. I was not worried about him looking at naked women though. I trust him and know that he loves me and wouldn't do anything that would ruin what we have.

By Hdelfuego on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 11:46 pm:

I would have a problem if he wanted to go...knowing who and what was going to be there.

By Andi on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 01:05 am:

I don't think it's a matter of "needing that one last night". It's something guys like to do. Just because he wanted a bachlor party dosent mean I was any less special to him. I know I am The Love of his Life, thats why he married me. That has nothing to do with having strippers at his bachlor party or seeing them at a party.
I went out with my girlfriends for my bachelorette party. We rented a limo went downtown and hit as many bars as we could and danced the night away. I had a great time and it was a great excuse to get all the girls together for a fun night out.
I think guys need the same thing. Men are visual so they enjoy looking at strippers. Not that I enjoy it when my DH is going to a strip bar with his buddies one or twice a year...but he is a grown man and able to make his own decisions. I know he can't and wouldnt touch these girls so I just don't worry about it.
You posted the question and I gave you my oppinion. You and DH will do what is best for your marriage. Good luck with what ever choice you two make.

By Juli4 on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 01:08 am:

nope never. He would never want or allow me or vice versa. Not even an option.

I do not allow that in my marriage. we work very hard at our marriage and allowing that would bring in my opinion vile into it.

By Cocoabutter on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 03:05 am:

I didn't read all of the posts here, so I don't know if my opinion is any different.

You dh is not obligated to go simply because he was invited.

I personally would have a very hard time feeling good about my dh going to this party. But, that's beside the point. We could debate from now til the cows come home about whether or not it's appropriate.

The real question is, does he care that you don't want him to go?

In a true partnership, one partner should refrain from doing anything that knowingly would be upsetting or hurtful to the other. It's called respect.

By Colette on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 05:42 am:

Nope, never, no way, end of subject.

Lap dances? I don't think so.

By Feona on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 06:57 am:

I can't remember what the husband did.

If he had an affair you should have some veto power to him having a lap dance.

But as someone said, they are grownups and should make up there own minds, but... And you aren't his mother...

Actually I am such a prude.... I would probably pack my clothes if he went. Yes, he has the option of going and I have the option of leaving.

I don't know.... I am from new york and should be very cool about this stuff, but I am not...

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 07:16 am:

Sorry, but I agree with Andi. Especially about the trust part. But I also know if the trust is breached, it's really hard to completely get it back.

I'd let mine go and I'd even be anxious to hear his stories about it later. I see it the way Andi does.

By Eve on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 07:43 am:

I have mixed feeling about this one!

Ok, first, when DH and I got married, for his Bachelor party, there was this one guy who kept wanting to get a stripper. My DH didn't want one, and I told him he could feel free to blame it on me. LOL! He ended up not having one. They all went out and played pool and had dinner. Then, they came back to my Parents house and hung out by the water and had a big fire. He had a great time.

Having said that, if he is invited to a Bachelor party tomorrow with a stripper, I wouldn't say he couldn't go. I just don't think that works too well. I, however, wouldn't be totally comfortable with it. I trust him, but I know how things like that can cross the line. I might just have a conversation about it and tell him how I feel.

I have such mixed feelings! I probably didn't help at all! I'm sorry! I guess I don't mind strippers, but I would prefer that strippers had no part in a wedding celebration. I would just talk to your DH about how you feel.

By Eight_Kids on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 08:00 am:

I think I would probably "let" DH go without a hard time. I'm not saying that I wouldn't be sitting on pins and needles until he came home but he's never given me a reason not to trust him. I don't necessarily think they go for the strippers, I think it's just a tradition that got started A LONG time ago. My father always told me to ask myself 'how is this going to matter in 10 years?'....it usually keeps me from being uptight about a lot of things I don't need to be uptight about.
Usually I tell DH how I feel about something and then let him make his own decision. I think he knows if he disregards my feelings enough it will get ugly!! Good luck!!

By Kittycat_26 on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 08:04 am:

I have to agree that the whole "let" issue is what is bothering me the most. This post could have just as easily been about "letting" your teenage daughter go to an after prom party.

There comes a point in time where I believe you need to stop mothering a husband. He is an adult and so are you. Yes, it is a trust issue and yes, that trust has been violated. However, how long do you hold it over someone's head? Eventually you have to take a leap of faith and trust them again or you'll never have trust again.

By Audreyj on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 08:18 am:

Okay,

for those of you who don't "get it" or "understand this form of entertainment". Allow me to explain:

Men LIKE to look at naked women.

My hubby and I have been married 15 years and we have two children and if he were invited to a Bachelor Party with strippers, it would be his decision whether or not to go....not my decision...I would not go to a "hands on nudity" Bachelorette Party because I think it is kind of gross to ogle and touch a total stranger not only that but there are diseases and some pretty nasty stuff out there.

I would have a more difficult time with the money than with the naked ladies (there's 15 years of marriage for you), "Yeah, you can go, dear, look all you want, but don't spend any money on it!!!" LOL We would have to agree on how much money would be spent.

Also, the drinking (in excess) would concern me, as well. Are they getting a limo?

As long as we agreed on the amount of money to be spent and I know he is safe as far as driving, if he wanted to go, I would say go.

Two things caught my attention more than the Bachelor Party actually. 1. The fact that these parties are mentioned so "early on" by the members of the wedding party (this won't happen until December and they're all talking about it and looking forward to it now??!!) I know it's all "part of the fun" so to speak but it seems early to be looking forward to it already.
2. The word "allow" I am wondering if you (Boxzgirl) have inadvertedly, without meaning to intentionally, placed yourself in an authoritarian role when it comes to this stuff,sometimes when I am very, very, much against something I can find myself slipping into my "mommy" role and forgetting my "wife" role.
Men tend to rebell against that kind of thing and if you approach it that way, he may go just to "spite you".

IMO, the more important issue here is that it is important to you that he NOT go and your feelings about how this type of behavior is disrespectful in a marriage. Perhaps if you explained to your husband that regardless of tradition, society, or even the opinions expressed on the Board (ahem!) the important thing is that YOU, as his wife, find this type of celebration disrespectful and in bad taste and you would prefer the two of you not attend.

As far as the weddding party's opinion about whether or not you and dh attend, plead headaches, tell them "you are not feeling like yourself" and then cuddle up in bed with each other! :-)

I know it's a long post, I tend to ramble on.....

AJ

By Kaye on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 08:35 am:

No! Is let the wrong word, well I don't know. If my hubby were invited to one (and he was) I just simply said, I am not comfortable with you going. Period. He did ask why not, at that time I explained to him that I just am not comfortable with him looking at other women so overtly and it makes me feel like we have invited a third person into our marriage. Yes men like to look, so they look get turned on and come home to me??? I think NOT. My hubby said okay I can respect that and didn't go. I think by let you are meaning the same thing, you have a choice to say oh go and have a good time or to say NO. My hubby certainly could have said, well I want to and left. But I will say that would have terribly damaged our marriage. We had been married for over 10 years at the time. But I don't do things that I know he dissagrees with and vice versa. So I guess there are things that he needs my blessing to do and vice versa, some are big deals, some are not. For example we had bunko in our neighborhood last night, it was not on the normal calender, so I mentioned it to dh and he said, I would rather you not go. So I didn't, because he didn't LET me go. He could of just as easily said go and have fun, he didn't. I would be more worried about that word if you relationship consisted of him always asking permission and you always granting it. Anyway, I ramble, but still hold to NO, it would not please me at all!

By Marg on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 08:41 am:

I really don't think Melissa used the word 'let' intentionally.

Apparently her and dh have 'discussed' this and he is asking for her feedback.

imo, I believe dh should respect her opinion.

Melissa, did he care if you went to the 'hands on' Bachelorette Party. My guess is deep down he does.

I just don't get why men and women who love and respect each other and who are married or who are getting married want to place themselves in compromising positions?

We all can play the 'what if' game. What if he goes and nothing happens, images are still implanted in his head. What if he goes and something happens. What if he doesn't go and he holds a grudge. What if he doesn't go and he's glad he did.

Melissa, you really need to sit down and talk to him and be straight forward with him.

Why don't you tell him to stay at home and you will put on a 'show for him?' Just a suggestion.

By Colette on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 09:00 am:

Melissa, upon remembering your prior posts, and past issues, I can't even believe he would even mention going. If he starts with the "don't you trust me" crap or tries to make you feel guilty for not being ok with him going, you need to let him know exactly how it makes you feel. As far as his family goes, it's pretty easy to make up an excuse to get out of doing something. "The baby is sick and you've been up all night and need a break", always works when you are in a pinch and for whatever reason can't be honest. He really needs to respect your feelings on this. I feel that for you this cuts a lot deeper than just a bachelor party.

By Rayanne on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 09:22 am:

I don't like these things. They cause too many problems, as far as I'm concerned. DH and I did not have a party, because we did not want strippers. I think that from your past history, he should not go. If he cannot understand that, then, I don't know. But, then there is also the TRUST factor. Do you 100% trust him Melissa? If you say NO, then you should probably talk to him about it. He needs to know. If you say yes that you do, and he wants to go, then I would. He needs to know that you trust him 100%. I know that if he goes, you are going to feel so sick to your stomach all night, worrying about him and wondering what he is doing. This is normal, but it isn't being trusting either. Girl, I wish I could help you more, but I don't know what to say really. I do know that I WOULD NOT let Chris go.HTH.

By Conni on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 09:40 am:

I totally agree with Collette on this one.

Actually my dh has been invited to several different parties where without even discussing with me first-- he turned them down on his own.

I am sorry but his family sounds like a bunch of jerks if they give you a hard time for not attending something?? That sounds very immature.

I am sorry you are getting such a hard time about the *incorrect wording of your post*. I am truly surprised they got hung up on the word 'LET'?? LOL

Good luck girl! Your dh needs to put your feelings first, not a bachelor party with strippers. ;)

By Kellyj on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 10:16 am:

How would you have felt about the party if the prior incident had never happened? Would it still upset you if he went? I think that if you would have been okay with him going before then you should "let" him go to this one since it is for family. Rebuilding trust is probably the hardest thing to do in a damaged relationship. I think that if it were me, I would make it clear that because of the past incident that I wasn't real keen on him going but that since it is for family and that I am rebuilding trust in him, that he should go. I would ask for him not to drink at the party to help me be more at ease with him going.
DH and friends did the barhopping, strip joint thing for his party. He had a memorable time with his friends and he told me all about it the next day.

By Vicki on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 10:17 am:

It wouldn't be a matter of my dh even wanting to attend. He would never in a million years want me to be a part of such a thing and so he would never do it himself. He has not attend a couple of these parties that had these things lined up. I guess if that is what you like to do, that is one thing. I do think it is possible to go to them and behave yourself, but honestly, I don't see the point in them. I think Eve's post is something my dh would like to do!! Maybe it is his age! I would get a sitter for that night, have dh stay home and give him his own lap dance!!

By Palmbchprincess on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 10:45 am:

Personally, I would let him go. However, as long as you would not be hypocritical and go to bachelorette party yourself, (I know you wouldn't!) you can let him know you would like him to not attend. The reason I say this is I know women who demand their DHs not attend, but attend similar events themselves and behave disgustingly.

By Angellew on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 11:02 am:

I'm going to side with the minority, it seems. I would not have a problem with my husband going to something like this. But, it really does come down to the trust you have in your relationship. A good question that someone else brought up (sorry, I can't remember who) is "would you have as big of a problem with it if not for his past indiscretions?"

That aside, I have to agree that men are visual creatures, as vulgar as we may think it is, and they're going to look, no matter what.

I would talk to him and tell him how you feel and that you would rather he not go, if that's how you feel. But, I think, if you make it an "I demand you not go" situation, he may go the rebellious route and go just because you put your foot down!

Good luck, whatever your choice.

By Tink on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 11:19 am:

NO WAY!! I have had one issue with this in the past with my dh and it hasn't happened again. i think that this is something that is demeaning to the marriage vows and, knowing the issues that you and your dh have had in the past, I would let my dh know that it would cause real problems between us. I realize that at some point trust has to be re-established but I think that this is your dh putting himself in a tempting position and in a place where you aren't able to know what went on for sure. I've heard some terrible stories of what goes on and I would not be comfortable with my dh participating in this. After saying that, I couldn't stop my dh from going but it wouldn't be with my approval and he would know it. My dh had a bunch of friends get together and go to a major league football game together. They still got a guys' night out but I didn't have to feel like I was being set aside for the night so he could see all the naked women that he was going to be deprived of since he was marrying me!

By Mommyathome on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 11:20 am:

Based on what you've posted in the past, I would hope that your DH decides not to go.
((((Melissa))))
I would be livid (sp???) if my DH went to that type of bachelor party. I think it's extremely disrespectful.
DH has been invited to several different bachelor parties where there would be strippers and alcohol and has chosen on his own not to attend. He says he doesn't need that kind of stuff. Thank goodness he feels that way. Because if he didn't, I would have a come apart!!

By Boxzgrl on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 11:41 am:

I really dont know how "let" became the topic either. If my DH asked about it and asked my opinion hes "letting" me in on the decision making. We are a couple and we make decisions "together" so when it comes down to it in the most non motherly or fatherly way possible we do and do not "let" each other do things. So no, my wording was not used incorrectly and im definitely no mother figure, 1 child is enough for me right now.

I trust my DH but not as much as I used to. I dont think he would do anything, i'm almost pretty sure he wont but i've learned not to be sure about everything. Im just saying if porn is not even allowed in our house, why would it be right for him to go out and be able to see that stuff right in front of his face.

I've talked to my DH regarding this and once he saw that it was not rude to turn down an invite and knew how it would make me uneasy he said its not a big deal to go.

Conni, about his family being jerks.... you may have got that one on the spot. DHs stepmom was telling me in front of my FIL how she couldnt wait to have those men dancing in front of her and she was going to get so wasted etc.. etc... They are just an extremely sexual family that goes to all measures to satisfy themselves.

By Mommyathome on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 11:49 am:

I'm sorry your inlaws are like that. Doesn't sound like the most positive influence on your relationship.

I'm glad you and DH talked and it sounds like he's not going. IMO that's best

By Dana on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 12:07 pm:

I didn't read any of the above post and only read the first line of your post. My answer without any other details, is yes, most certainly. I trust him 100%. He would be there for his friend, not the girls. Plus I am certain he would stay away from any lap dancers, just not his style. Chances are, he would come home soon after the party begins simply because he is not into that stuff.

Now, if I had concerns of DH abusing alcohol and enjoying women more than needed by a married man, I would not forbid him, but I would certainly let him know my feelings and how much it would hurt me to watch him go. At that point, it is his choice. We all make choices for the better or worse. Hopefully, he would find a central ground you can both be happy with.

By Colette on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 12:40 pm:

Melissa, I am very glad you and your dh talked about this and that he listened to you.

By Rayanne on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 01:30 pm:

I'm glad that you guys talked and that you worked everything out. He's a good man Melissa. Of course, you know that.

By Pamt on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 02:20 pm:

Glad everything worked out...and just for the record I'm with the NO WAY!!! camp. And this is so NOT an issue of trust. I trust my husband implicitly, but I don't want that garbage in his mind forever and ever. And besides that he is a man and he is a human, so even with extreme trust things can get out of hand. I think there is absolutely no justification to ever treat women as objects either. Personally, regardless of my opinion, I know my DH would refuse simply of the grounds of objectifying women. He really hates that!

By Emily7 on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 02:30 pm:

I am happy he made a good choice!

By Insaneusmcwife on Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 02:32 am:

Awww, hes growing up so fast, lol! J/K its late and I'm a little delirous. Tell Steve I said hello and give my baby a kiss for me.

By Insaneusmcwife on Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 02:32 am:

I DO mean Kaitlyn!!!!!

By Feona on Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 07:34 am:

He can take the bachelore out for dinner instead of going to the strippers house.

Glad to see he made this decision. It was really making you uncomfortable.

By Boxzgrl on Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 11:14 am:

LOL Kristie.... you CANT kiss my hubby!!!! You can kiss Kaitlyn though, she'll kiss you back now, too! I was going to call you to see if we could visit today but I forgot I need to clean the house since DH was SIQ all week and its a mess! Oh well, maybe next time.