This applies to those of you who are step parents, adoptive parents or foster parents.

I have 2 children *of my own*, and 2 children I inherited from my first H. They are all MY children, whether or not I gave birth to them.

It's always infuriates me when people say *well, I meant your REAL children, they aren't really your children*. Or, in the case of my granddaughter Madison, people have said, *When you have a REAL grandchild...........she's not really your grandchild*........

They are all my kids, and she is my only grandchild, so far. And I am tired of telling people they aren't all *mine*.

IMO, if you consider step/foster/adopted children not *yours* just because you did not give birth to them, what the heck does being a family mean?????

How do you respond when/if you get these ignorant remarks?

By Mommyof4 on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 04:09 pm:

I just continue to say YES they are MINE...I am his/her REAL mother. I refuse to give any other response even when they say things like Oh you know what I mean"...I do this over and over and over again sometimes all during the same conversation until they finally realize that either I am a) not going to give them any other informaiton about our famiy or b)they are offending me and need to move on.

By Kim on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 04:28 pm:

Karen, a lot of times I don't even tell people who are "mine" and "not mine", because as you know to me they are ALL MINE. Its just easier, really, to let them think I gave birth to them all, unless I got to know the person better and felt compelled to explain.

Sometimes I think people are so ignorant and other times I realize that some people just don't feel the same as we do. I can't change someone else's opinion. But I can insist on what I feel is mine.

I'm sorry you are frustrated. I know how you feel.

By Angellew on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 04:28 pm:

I do the same thing as Tammy... drive the point home everytime they say something. I AM his mother!!! and that is truly the way I feel.

Now, I can't say the same for my own step-mother! She has always referred to me as "her child"... "we have two children", etc. But, about a year before I got pregnant, we got into a discussion about another family member and, my SM was going on and on about how she didn't understand why so and so was so excited about "her grandchild"... It was her step-daughter's child, not HER FLESH AND BLOOD GRANDCHILD"!!! When I questioned her about how she would feel about any child that I had, she stuttered that it was different, though she couldn't explain why!

Now that my DD is here, and she is the ONLY grandchild (and from the looks of it with my step-sister, could always be the only one), I have heard it through the grapevine that she still, behind my back, of course, says that my DD is not her FLESH AND BLOOD!!! There was even a really rude remark about her pawning her jewelry before she died than see it go to "her"!!!

It hurts me terribly to think that she thinks this way, which makes me work even harder to be my SS's mother!

It's all in the mind and not in the blood! Just accept and love and to H**L with others!

By Kim on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 04:38 pm:

My parents accepted all the kids as their grandchildren from go. They do not favour any of the kids and the kids have never felt they were treated different for any reason. I am thankful for that!

By Emily7 on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 05:42 pm:

My dad adopted me when I was little. We would get things like "oh so he is only your half brother"& "he isn't your real dad" all the time. I just replied that he is the only dad I know & I may not have his blood, but I havve his heart. I would tell people that my brother isn't just a half a person & he doesn't just belong in half my heart. I certainly could not have been blessed with a better Dad & my brother & I fought just as much as "full blooded" siblings fight.

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 05:44 pm:

Kim, my family has always accepted my 2 oldest as *mine* and treated them no differently than they do J & J. Even my DH, who is bio father to none of them, accepts them as *his* kids. And a great source of joy for me, is that he accepts Madison as his grandchild!

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 05:45 pm:

I just saw a typo in my original post - it should have read I am tired of telling people they ARE all mine.........

By Mommyathome on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 06:02 pm:

Well, I'm on the opposite side of the fence. I was adopted. So, I always get "no, I mean your "real" mom/dad/brother/sister". To me, my adoptive parents *are* my real parents!!!!!!!!!! It is frustrating. I have older (much older) half siblings that don't consider me their "real" sister. I think it's great that you *want* to accept them as your own.
No advice.....just wanted you to know that I've sort of BTDT.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 06:23 pm:

They are real and they are my children/ grandchildren. I am the only person who can decide whether they are "mine" or not, and I say they are mine in every sense of the words and feelings

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 06:24 pm:

Or, the Dear Abby, Miss Manners perennial - I beg your pardon? I can't believe you would say something so insensitive.

By Marcia on Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 08:03 am:

I always say that they are ALL mine. People will normally say, "Oh, you know what I mean", and I say that they are all real, and they are all my kids. No difference between any of them.
If they mention the "real" moms, I tell them that I am very real, and I am their mom. Most of my kids are fortunate enough to have 2 moms, and we are both very real.
I find that they only have this conversation with me once. :o)
It's never been an issue in my family itself, because all 5 kids have been touched by adoption in some way - 2 brothers are adopted, wife of another brother has an adopted brother, and my sis and I are both adoptive moms. Everyone in our family is very real, and never treated any differently.
Many years ago I heard something Marie Osmond said on tv, when asked the question "which one is adopted?" She said "I can't remember. I love them all the same." .... or something like that. I love it, and sometimes use that, too.