I just needed others opinions. I don't think i'd ever do this but I want to know what others think about it.

Every so often my family mentions to me that I should have my own savings account that DH doesn't know about "just in case" something ever happened. Then I would have an income to start off with since i'm a SAHM. First of all, the comments shows that they don't have much faith (this started after the incident earlier this year) in us and second, it would seem to me like i'm preparing for failure and living a deceitful marriage. It just doesn't seem right. But I can see in a way where they are coming from considering we are a young couple and in the category of the biggest divorce rate, so I cant take it personally. The part i'm stuck at is that I can see it being a good idea since I dont have an income but I think it would tear at my conscience considering the fact that we just went over the issue of honesty in a relationship. That is very important to me. So what would you girls think? Not for me since I dont think i'd ever do this but would you ever give this advice? Would you take this advice if someone gave it to you? I just think if you have to live in a marriage like that, you should have never got married.

By Momo on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 04:27 pm:

Hmm.. tough question. I think it depends on what your marriage issues are. For example, my good friend and her dh constantly argue about money - he's a BIG penny pincher. They both earn a great salary. A while ago she got an unexpected bonus that somehow ended up in a live check, not direct deposit. That's when she decided to keep it for herself. She said that it did aleviate a lot of stress, even if it was only in her own mind. So, although it isn't a stockpile for the future, she can tap into it for 'fun without permission'.

And.. IF anything happened in a marriage where only one partner worked, aren't you granted alimony based on that fact?

p.s. I'm sure your family is just trying to keep your best interests in mind because they love you - not to be mean!

By Emily7 on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 04:56 pm:

My parents now have seperate accounts. They each are able to write checks on the others account. I just feel that you don't have secrets in a marriage. If you want to have your own account be up front about it.

By Truestori on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 05:20 pm:

Your family is looking out for you and your daughter's well-being, but it wouldn't go over real well if your husband found out! I don't think that this is the route to go. You seem like a pretty well rounded individual, and couples have ups and downs but it doesn't consitute taking part of his check and lying about it.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 06:31 pm:

Having been married for 19 years and then we split, I can understand where your parents are coming from. And I understand that from your point of view you don't want to think or look like you are expecting bad things.

I would say that if you have your own savings account, it means you have some money that you can use for Christmas presents, birthday presents, or treats for yourself without asking dh for money for a present for him (or for yourself). What I did was work out a household spending budget and my then dh gave me that much plus a certain amount more that was "my" money. We worked out of the same checking account but had separate checkbooks and he would just note a transfer of $X each paycheck into my checkbook, and when it was time to balance the checkbook each of us checked off our individual checks. I have known very successful marriages, but with both partners earning outside income, where each had their own checking account and a joint account for joint expenses - each writing a check to the joint account each payday and paying joint bills out of that account.

What I would suggest is that you make a point of being informed about finances. By that I mean know where the bank accounts are, what credit cards you have and take a look at the credit card bills each month (because you are equally responsible for paying them if your name is on them), know where the insurance policies are and what retirement programs dh has at work. And remind dh to make sure he keeps his beneficiary information on both insurance and retirement (IRA, 401K, etc) programs up to date to take into account you and the children.

Alimony - good question. It depends on what the rules are in your state. In Pennsylvania, a non-working wife would get court ordered alimony for a few years but that would usually end when it is deemed she is able to go to work, or at least be reduced by what she could probably earn based on child-care needs, education and training. It is not a given. In any event, unless it is part of a separate contract which is made part of a divorce decree, it would most likely end when child support ends (18 in PA unless otherwise agreed to carry on through college), unless the wife simply could not work for health or other reasons.

I would not - definitely not - plan for divorce. I would keep myself informed about financial matters because you never know what might happen. If your dh were in a bad auto accident tomorrow, would you know where the checkbook is, what the bank balance is, and do you have check writing authority? Better to be prepared for the awful event that you don't want to happen and never have to use it, than to not be prepared.

I think that honesty in a marriage is always important. So I suggest you talk to dh about working out a flat $X out of each paycheck for the stuff you are supposed to be able to pay cash for, plus a bit extra that you don't have to account for to use as your own mad money, me money, or whatever. And if you put that in a separate account, then by all means tell him up front and make sure he knows where the account is. (Though, I'd be surprised if you can open a savings account with less than a couple of hundred dollars these days, and some banks don't even pay interest and DO charge fees on even passbook savings accounts of less than a certain balance.)

(I have been having so much fun since I discovered color formatting.)

By Boxzgrl on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 07:36 pm:

Ginny, I understand what you are saying. I am in charge of all finances and know what we have down to the penny on any given day. We have a 10% retirement savings acct and a regular savings as well. But what I was wondering is what people thought about the *secret* account my parents are bugging me about. (A savings with only my name that Dh didnt know about) Like I said, I wouldnt do it but just wanted others viewpoints on whether they would or not and why.

By Debbie on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 08:35 pm:

I am a SAHM and I would never do this. Like you, I am in charge of the finances, so I know how much money dh makes and where it goes. I just look at having a "secret" account as dishonest. It is like saying "Hey, there is a big chance my marriage is going to fail". I know I would be devastated if dh did this and I found out about it.

I guess if you knew you were going to leave the marriage, then that is something different. But, I can't see setting up an account for a just in case situation.

By Tink on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 09:02 pm:

I wouldn't do this. My mom and godmother have both been left by their dhs in terrible circumstances and were financially ruined. My mom was left with over $30,000 in debt by my dad and my godmother was recovering from back surgery when her dh left and she evicted from her home and had to live with a friend because she was unable to work. Her disability checks weren't enough to live on. I think the idea behind a secret savings account is a safety net but the dishonesty would be too much for me to bear. If I was in an abusive marriage, I might do this in preparation to move but not just because he might leave someday. Trust and honesty are too important. If he did leave me, I would wish that I had but that is too cynical for my taste.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 09:54 pm:

Well, one thing to keep in mind is that any place you put money where it earns interest will send a 1099 to both you and the IRS, and the income will have to be reported on your federal tax return, which both of you must sign. So it seems to me - aside from feeling it is dishonest, untrusting, and making a bet that things will go bad - that it would be damnably difficult to carry off.

By Bea on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 10:09 pm:

The one bit of advice my mom gave me before my wedding was that I needed to find a way to have my own money, even if I stayed home with the kids. She recommended an allowance, even if we could only afford $5.00 a month. It would be "MY MONEY". It's a self esteem thing. How demeaning to have to go to your husband to get money to buy him a gift.

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 10:38 pm:

I think it's wise to have an account of your own, I'm not sure if it needs to be *secret*, just in your name. I don't currently have this, but did open up a Roth IRA in my own name. At the very least, I want to know that I have some sort of funds of my own, no matter what. Cori said she would start if she was preparing to leave an abusive marriage. That's the wrong time to start, believe me. You need something before then in that situation. (Something as simple as relatives to help, it doesn't need to be financial.) Also, we've seen members here who have been put into financial ruins by their DHs, which is why Ginny said be aware of finances. Since you are already quite aware of your family's financial situation, the savings account is a choice you'll have to make on your own. Just remember, things happen. Prepare for the worst, and aim for the best.

By Boxzgrl on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 10:41 pm:

I agree exactly with you Debbie but I also see others point of view such as abusive relationships etc... Thats why I came here to see what other people thought. Its neat to see others viewpoints on this subject!

By Mommmie on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 10:51 pm:

I would tell my mom, since she feels so strongly about this, to open an account in her name where money can be stashed on my behalf should I need it. As long as it doesn't get over the gift tax amount (is it $12,000 now?), should you need it, she can just turn it over to you. You could give her a bit of money every month to put in it.

If it's in your name and you're in a community property state, I still think your DH is entitled to half unless it was money given directly to you as a gift or inheritence and this money never co-mingled with your joint money. It doesn't matter if his name is not on the account, just like it doesn't matter if a wife's name is not on a car title. Half of the car is still the wife's if they used co-mingled money to buy it.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 11:30 pm:

If the money is his and you are putting it into a private account at the time of the divorce you will have to list all assets and it will be devided in the divorce. Assets can be traced through your social by the way. They can request the dates off the account and they will see that you didn't have a job when you opened the account or when you put the money in the account. Basically it is good in theory but it doesn't work that smoothly.

You could open an account in your mom's name and take money and deposit into it. He can't take money from under her name. BUT, Doing that would be admitting that it was only a matter of time before you would fail.

I say live by faith... And deal with it when and if it happens. Don't set yourself up for it too fail.

By Janet on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 10:42 am:

While I don't think it's healthy to have a "secret" account, I think it's crucial for you to establish your own credit apart from your husband's. A credit card with a small limit in your name that you use and pay off regularly, a bank account in your name alone, things like that, can build your own credit history. As a SAHM, you need to take into consideration what would happen, "if." Not if you divorced, but what if (God forbid) something happened and you were on your own. All these things should be in the open with your husband, though. I don't see how an account with your own money should be a problem. My dh and I have been married for 13 years, and we have had separate checking accounts since Day One. We are both signers, though, so if one needs to, they have access. I take care of the household expenses and bills, he does the farm stuff. In my previous marriage, we shared the checkbook and fought constantly. I'm not saying one is right and one is wrong, you need to do what's right for you, of course. But I feel very strongly about establishing your own financial identity. It has nothing to do with trust or planning for failure if you keep it open with your dh.

By Colette on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 11:46 am:

I don't think it's a good idea. It's deceitful. Since you've decided to stay and try and work your marriage out you need to have NO secrets. Something like this could blow up in your face. I agree that your family is just looking out for you so don't fault them for it. But if you want your marriage to work out, a hidden bank account is NOT the way to go.

By Mrln05 on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 11:58 am:

There's lots of good advice here. I agree with those who suggest having your own savings account and also to have a credit card in your name and not keeping it a secret.

My husband and I have joing accounts and also an account of our own. We are not secretive about it and know what is in each others accounts.

We also have our own credit cards and also a joint credit card. In this day and age, it seems to be the smart way to go.

When my X and I were separated, he stopped all the credit cards and I had to figure out how to get one on my own which wasn't that easy since I was a sahm and didn't earn an income.

I also agree that it can be a self esteem thing, and it is good to feel you have your own worth.

By Eve on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 12:13 pm:

I don't think it has to be secret either. I agree with everyone above. I always make sure there are some things in my name. One of our cars is in my name alone. I have my own seperate credit card accounts. My DH pays them, but still there are mine alone. I think it's just sensible to have something that is yours alone. I like to think of it as sensible, that's all.

By Boxzgrl on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 12:25 pm:

I agree with everyone above also. I just wanted to see others viewpoints since it seemed so deceitful from the time my parents mentioned it to me.

Bobbie is right like I said, its just like setting yourself up for failure and thats exactly what I took from it when my parents mentioned it.

Of course I do other things to keep myself established like going to school to have a certification even though i'm not sure if i'll ever use it, I do have 1 credit card in my name only (Victorias Secret, every girls gotta have one! )

I guess my main point in asking this question is that is this what the world is coming to? Does everyone assume their life will fail so they need a back up method? I like the old fashioned way of living where people married for life and money wasn't an issue.

By Kaye on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 02:47 pm:

I am in a similar situation, although it isn't me, it is my dad getting married and me wanting him to have a back up plan..LOL. My viewpoint is this, marriages end, they all do, either through divorce or death, hopefully later rather than sooner, ya never know. So knowing that, why not have things planned so that when bad things happen you are prepared and not just reacting. Now where I differ is I don't believe in secrets, period. I believe you know first hand just how bad secrets are to a marriage, even if they are harmless, just keeping stuff from one another is bad. I have kept some money aside on occasion, for example I try to save 10-20 dollars every time I grocery shop, this way we have a little extra when we want something. Now my hubby knows I do this, but I don't share honey I save 200 dollars this month. But he knows that I keep a nest egg going at all times, we tend to spend it on vacation. We just went to DC and he asked, so how much do you have saved for us honey..LOL Anyway, good luck, remember you parents have good intentions, just probably didn't think through it. They don't trust him, don't get why you do or why you would want to, by hurting their daughter, they are hurt too.

By Mommyathome on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 03:16 pm:

I'm a SAHM. DH earns the money. It goes into a joint account. We both have equal power over the account.
Since I'm the one that takes care of the bills etc., DH always checks with me before spending more than a few dollars to make sure that there is enough money in the account.
Since I take care of the money matters, I just buy what I need/want when I need it. Of course I don't make major purchases without DH knowing about it. But, at the same time, I can go buy a new outfit without getting "permission" first. Just the benefit of me taking care of the money.

This is working for us.

By Melanie on Friday, July 16, 2004 - 08:48 pm:

Dh and I have a joint checking account and separate savings accounts. We each have the same amount deposited into our savings accounts each week and the rest goes into checking. They certainly are not secret. Either of us can go on-line at any time and find the balance. But his atm card will draw only out of the checking and his savings and mine will draw out of the checking and my savings. We did it that way so we could buy each other presents from separate accounts or spend money on ourselves from our own account. It usually isn't that cut and dry, but even so, I do like our set-up.

I would never consider having a secret account.