I first noticed this about a year ago, but could not pinpoint the real "inner problem."

My problem may have began at an early age. But I really believe it was my occupation/boss that brought out the problem.

I really don't trust anyone. Not kidding, including dh and dks.

I live near a military base, and had many friends come and go. This was very difficult for me growing up, I was a super shy child.

In third grade, my best friend died of kidney failure.

Growing up, I rolled with the punches, but tried to see the best in everyone. I literally had and have "naive" or "sucker" stamped on my forehead. And yes, people always saw me as that, I was taken advantage of constantly, often mistaking it for friendship.

I really tried to "get out" of the problem at 16 and was doing very well, kept a very small ring of friends, who I really did trust. The most trustworthy person in my life was my mom.

I was really ok, until I started my job. My boss called himself a Christian and is a certain type of religious sect that most people really respect, including me.

With this in mind, over 15 years, I was basically the scape goat of the office. Something went wrong, I was blamed. I know this because clients would tell me that's what he told them. I would try my best to fix any problems he had done. That was basically my job and why he kept me there. For 15 years 11 people came and went, you would have thought a light would have went on in my head. He literally told me with my knowledge I wouldn't get very far in any other firm. In the end, he called me stupid, lazy, worthless, among other things. That is why my self-esteem is extremely low.

I learned when I left, one of the girls was trying to file sexual harrassment charges against him. When he wanted something done (tax wise) he would come into my office and put his arm around my shoulder, I can't stand someone doing this to this day.

He never made sexual advancements, he knew the size of my dh and that dh would beat the pulp out of him if he did.

However, when I was pregnant with our first dd, he told me he heard rumors going around our small town that it was his child. He would constantly tease me about this.

I have never been unfaithful to my dh and hated when he would say stuff like this.

He was very overbaring with women (he treated his wife with no dignity), thought their place was in the home and I learned later, through stupidity, he only hired young, pretty women. My one client told me I was probably getting to old for his taste

Then if that weren't enough, all the relatives dh and I have had that passed away through the years and then mom passing away, another blow would be that after mom's death dad would come up 4/5 times a week. I didn't mind. Now, I'm lucky if I see him once every three or four months I'm not sure if I miss my dad or feel as though I was used.

This is just small details over the past 18 years, but my true problem lies today, I really don't trust anyone.

I have noticed when even dh or dds are nice to me, I think mentally "Now what do they want?" Or if they hug me or put their arm around me I literally cringe.

I did not realize this until yesterday when my daughter placed her arm around my shoulder a certain way, I had a flashback and it hit me.

I think if I really work at this I can help myself out of this "old way of thinking." I sometimes want to go to a therapist, but you know, I really don't trust them either.

Any suggestions?

BTW, I really find it would be hard for me to work in public again and that's why I'm studying to work at home.

Sorry this is so long

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 - 07:04 pm:

Oh Marg. What a dreadful experience. And for 15 years. How truly dreadful, and how understandable that it has colored your whole approach to life.

But, I really do urge you to go to a therapist. I suggest you start with the domestic violence programs listed on this site: http://www.silcom.com/~paladin/madv/dvagencies.html

Find the one for your state, and the nearest city, and call them. Tell them that you are looking for a therapist who is understanding about women who have been psychologically abused, and explain that while it wasn't in a domestic situation, you have found your life drastically and negatively altered by a long term really bad experience with a male boss, and want to find a therapist or counseling professional who can help you with this.

Another organization I trust is the American Association of Pastoral Counselors: http://www.aapc.org/ I know one of the leaders of a local branch of AAPC because he was an associate pastor at my church for a long time. These counselors go through a lot of extra training and supervision by leaders in the program, are counselors to whom faith/religious belief is very important, and recognize the importance of faith/religious belief in the lives of the people they counsel.

I think that living your life as you are now, not trusting even your husband and your kids, just continues to give that horrible man control over your life, and I don't believe you want to do that. To borrow a phrase, you are giving him rent-free room in your head - and it is time to evict him and get your life back. Since you have not been able to do this without help, it is now time to seek help to get that jerk entirely out of your life and make him nothing but old, old history.

By Emily7 on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 - 07:11 pm:

I have the same problem. Mine stems from the fact that I was molested by my Grandmothers boyfriend. I wasn't believed until years later when he "hit" on my brother. I do however still have a hard time trusting people that I don't know & sometimes those that I do. I have been taken advantage of many times because I was told I need to let my guard down a little & when I did I got hurt.
I am finally getting over this. I went through conseling & that really did help. On occassion though I start to think what is really going on. Why are they being so nice? Because my Grandma's boyfriend lead me to believe I wasn't worth anything, no one would believe me, or want me. I just think I am not going to let him win. I can trust people & need to take it one day at a time.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 - 07:15 pm:

That is exactly the point, Emily - you are not going to let him win! Keep on keeping on, my dear, you are on the right path.

By Marg on Wednesday, July 7, 2004 - 09:38 am:

Ginny, I really want to thank you, I read your post late last night and you're right this is occupying space in my head

I will look into those websites and this morning I woke up thinking it's not going to take over today

Thank you also Emily and you are right, I have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes, it is overwhelming.

I'm truly sorry for what you went through.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, July 7, 2004 - 04:44 pm:

Marg, I'll give you a couple more. My son has problems with letting go of the past and holds on to hate, which takes so much of his energy and colors his life (in very dark colors). I found these two quotes, which seemed to help him.

Hating someone is like taking cyanide and expecting the other person to die.

Hate is your enemy's best revenge.

By Marg on Wednesday, July 7, 2004 - 05:35 pm:

I really like the first one Ginny, lol!

Thanks Ginny