I wanted to ask how all of you sahm's do it. What I mean is I feel as if I am losing my mind staying home. I feel like the world is passing me by. Most of the women in my family have a job or are working on a career. They have children as well. I am not a young mother so I am thinking that maybe this is why I am feeling so depressed these past few weeks. I just cannot shake this feeling. I know it has to do with my lifestyle. Hardly get out of the house, hardly any friends, and because "I" don't work "I" feel like I am not entitled to spend money on myself. I have children. Everything is so expensive, GAS is sky high, groceries, we all need to see the dentist..... Does anyone else feel like I do. I want to get a job so bad. For the mothers who are wohm's what are the pro's and con's. If you ever were a sahm did you feel that you were missing out. Is the grass any greener on the other side?

I really need a boost badly. I am just so bored, everything is always the same. I know I should be thankful for being able to stay home while dh works but I can't shake this lonely, worthless feeling.

By Coopaveryben on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 03:00 pm:

I know how you feel. The routine can drive a person crazy...my best advice is invite people with children over, go to the park, go outside and play with the kids, and get in the floor and enjoy them...do anything to shake up the routine. Being around other mothers/people helps a lot.

I always try to remind myself they will not be little long and one day I am going to miss this. Being at home with the kids has been harder than any job I have ever had, I just try to remember that they will be better for it.

We also suffer a lot financially for me to be here and that makes me feel worthless and frustrated a lot because I want to shop,travel, and be able to take them to really cool places but I truly believe that it is better for them to have me here than to have all those things.

I don't know where you live but go to a park, join the YMCA (they offer scholorships), join a local pool, go anywhere where there are other mothers and be open to talk. I promise you will feel better.

By Emily7 on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 03:01 pm:

How old are your children. Have you thought about joining a Mom group? I go through this a lot sometimes. I have always worked outside the home until I had children.

Worthless is not a word you can use to describe motherhood. To me motherhood is the hardest but most rewarding job I have ever had.

You need to make time for yourself, even if it is a bubble bath. You are not alone, believe me all Moms go through this.

Does your dh work on weekends or nights? Could you volunteer or work part time?

By Amecmom on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 03:36 pm:

Ditto the others. I was in your boat just a few months ago. My town offers toddler classes and playgroups and the library has storytime. I started taking my son to these things and just tride to meet moms. I've made playdates with some and it's been a lot better than having my big social interaction of the week be shopping at the A&P!

If there are no groups, then just take your children to the park and be friendly with some of the moms who have children around your age. You'll be surprised to see many of them are in the same situation.

Also another choice is to join a gym that had childcare. I did this for a few months and it made a world of difference. I brought my son. He played with the other children and I had some mommy time to work out - or just sit in the sauna. It was an expense, but money was better spent this way than on therapy, which is where I was headed.

You may not be earning a paycheck, but what you are doing is the most important thing in the world for your children right now. You can't put a price on that. I gave up a lucrative teaching / tutoring job, plus my weekend singing, which alone used to earn me about 15K per year, to raise my son. It is worth every penny!!! Do I spend money on myself? You bet I do. I worked very hard for years and contributed to the house and the savings. Now I am entitled to spend some of it without feeling guilty (within reason of course).

No there isn't as much money as there was before, but we make do. It won't be long before my son is in school and the daughter that's on the way is too. Then, I'll go back into the workforce part time.

For now, know that you're not alone. My husband often says, "I don't know how you do it. One day would drive me nuts" I guess this is why men don't have babies.

Hope you cheer up.

Ame

By Lorebunde on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 03:39 pm:

I stayed home with my son 2-1/2 years and have to say I enjoyed it. I would go to the mall, even if I didn't spend, just to be out looking. Go to the library, hang out. Visit my mom, go for walks, work out every day. I am not the type to get bored easily, though. Even now, working f/t I can never understand when anyone says "I'm bored". I would just say for you to enjoy it while the kids are young(not sure how old they are)because once you go back to work, thats it! In fact, my husband ussed to complain I was always out. How about a garden, crafts, etc. I depends on what you like to do. I am definately not a crafty type! I guess you will have some boring days and I can understand not wanting to spend a lot. Good luck, hope you feel better

By Vbw1978 on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 03:39 pm:

Motherhood (SAHM) is equal to 2 full times jobs !
I know how you feel at times i feel like that. We dont suffer financially cause i work on Friday nights (to get out of the house & be around other adults).
But it can be deprssing (espically during the winter months) to be "trapped" in the house with the kids only. There is not really any "mom groups" around here - they are in the Richer neighborhoods - we are not from a poor neighborhood just middle/ kinda upper class neighborhood but i dont fit in with them - i am me, so that makes it hard to be in a group.
like Coopaveryben said i just look at them & know that i have seen all the 1st not missed one & that is more important than anything else that i could ever imagine.
I have one in grade school & no more special time with her she gets home goes to play with the nieghborhood kids -- so i am cherishing every moment i can with the 2 i have at home now, time passes by way toooo fast !

you do need time to yourself if you can just get out at night (or when DH does not work) & take a walk go to the Park by yourself ..... do something for you that is fun once a month have a girls night out -- find something. i wish you the luck - i think that we all feel that way at times

By Palmbchprincess on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 04:32 pm:

I've been on both sides, a SAHM during my marriage, and a WOHM now. I would go nuts being a SAHM, and had hardly any friends, except Amy. We spent a lot of time together, so that made things easier. MV was another big help, someone to talk to. I think the grass IS always greener. Now, when I'm working, I miss the kids, and feel like I don't spend enough time with them. I am always so exhausted, it makes me cranky, so I feel like I don't do enough with them. But when I was a SAHM I felt like I was going stir crazy, and they would drive me up a wall. I truly believe guilt is the curse of motherhood, and no matter what you do you feel guilt about SOMETHING!! The advice you got from the other moms is great, you should try to do something part-time, or volunteer for something that would fulfill you. This would give you a "break" from home, and make you feel like you are not "just" a mom. I know that motherhood is the single most rewarding job ever, but in order to properly do that job, you need a sense of self. One thing that Amy and I did was our weekly grocery shopping. It seems mundane, but it was a nice break. Every Saturday, we would leave the kids with our husbands at her house, go to the commissary, and shop without the children's distractions. This was nice for me to reenergize. Any time I can leave the house without a million dollar production makes me feel refreshed!! Hang in there!!!

By Angellew on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 04:52 pm:

I know how you feel, even though I'm not a SAHM! I have a full-time job and still feel alot of what you are saying. I didn't have my DD until I was 37 years old... so, I was very set in my ways and needed to keep working. The pros of working... other than the money... maybe a little self-worth. The cons... not spending every moment I would like with my DD! There are arguments for each side. But, like you, I don't have many friends (some because I'm just in a different place... all their kids are already pretty much grown). So, all I can say is hang in there. Things do change! Which I know is lousy advise! If you need someone to talk to, please don't hestitate to email me at angellew918 at msn.com!

By Anonymous on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 05:23 pm:

Thanks everyone.

I think p/t work is a great idea. More of a social life is probably what I am lacking. I guess I just need to quit whining and start getting out of the house more often. I know things do change, never quite stay the same. Good times will be here again. I am just in such a negative, sad state at the moment. Happy I have somewhere to vent. I do have a garden and a yard....alot to do...but still it doesn't fill that void. I haven't been feeling like this for a long time I keep asking myself why am I being bothered by so much now? Nothing has happened, this feeling has just come over me in the last few weeks. I think I will get out of the house for awhile....I do know that will help alot.

Thank you so much for all your helpful advice. I don't feel so alone.

By Cocoabutter on Wednesday, May 26, 2004 - 02:50 am:

When I got pregnant for my son in 1996, we had not been planning on having kids yet. We were in debt past our eyeballs, and I had to work because my husband had just started a new job and wasn't getting paid as much as he did at his previous one. I went back to work when my son was just 3 weeks old and our car payment was already behind a month. Then, after about 4 months I got a job offer from a friend of ours who wanted an in-home-sitter for her 3 girls, and she made accomodations for my son. After that I did daycare in my own home. ANYTHING to stay home with my son. Daycare kept me very busy, but it wasn't a consistent income. By the time our son was 5, I got a full-time job outside the home at a local retail store working oppsoite shifts from my husband, as if WE could afford daycare. I worked weekends and days, he worked during the week and nights. We did that for TWO YEARS, and I was never more miserable. The house would be trashed every weekend when I got home. My husband would be angry if I came home late because he wanted dinner. I was ALWAYS tired, too tired for sex, too tired to play with my son, too tired to walk the dog, etc. All I could think about was how much better our quality of life would be if only I didn't have to devote all my energy and time to my job. My marriage suffered, my bond with my son wasn't nearly as strong as it was when I was home before, and the condition of my home deteriorated. You know, guys have different priorities. My husband couldn't bring himself to clean up certain messes, like vomit or puppy duty in the back yard. Toys were always all over the house (we have a small house.) He would take our son and go up north to visit his buddy once in a while on weekends, and leave yard work and other honey-do stuff behind. It literally DROVE ME NUTS.

Then, last February, I went to the doctor for a cold and my blood pressure was high- 165/115. I was told I could have a stroke, especially since I was on the Birth Control Pill. That scared the daylights out of me. I came home and told my husband. By this time, he was making nearly twice as much at his job as when he first started. FINALLY, he said, "OK, quit your job."

I said, "What? What did you say?"
He said, "I'm sick of not having you around on the weekends, and sick of not being able to spend holidays together with family."
My dream has finally come true.

I can tell you that, after being on the other side of the fence, the grass is definitely greener on this side.

My marriage is the best it's ever been. I keep my husband happy, and he makes me happy in return. I missed out on two important years of my son's childhood, and I intend to make the rest of his childhood count. I can now give all my energy to my family, where I feel it belongs, where we all benefit from my labors of love, and where the best memories will be made.

My advice to you is to keep busy. There is always housework to do, and I have FUN doing it. I listen to the radio while I'm doing mundane stuff like folding clothes and washing dishes. Get your kids involved in the housework. Sure, they'll fold the washcloths crooked and totally mess up their drawers, but they are involved and learning the work ethic, AND all of it with their mommy.

Now that the weather is nice, I can plant flowers, walk the dog, go for ice cream down the street...

Which reminds me of a new memory we made just last Sunday. We went for a walk with the dog down to the local Pizza Parlor to get ice cream cones. While we were eating them, it started raining. We got up to walk home, and before we knew it, we were caught in a real downpour! So, here I am with the dog's leash in one hand, my ice cream in the other, running up the street to get home! My son said the heck with the ice cream, threw his cone down in the street and came running after me! When we got home, our neighbor next door was standing on his front porch laughing his butt off at us! We were all soaked to the skin! LOL!

That would not have happened if I had still been working at my J.O.B.

I can watch NASCAR races on Sundays after church.

I can participate at my son's school, as well as volunteer at church and for neighborhood watch.

I can see the sunrise through the kitchen window in my home as opposed to the window in the breakroom at work.

I can watch the snowfall from my cozy livingroom window knowing I don't have to go out in it to go to work.

I can experience the freedom of shopping in the store in the morning without my son, being a customer at a time of the day when I would have otherwise been working in the store as a clerk.

If I want to leave the dirty dishes in the sink all night I can because I know I will have the time to wash them in the morning. Otherwise, they would remain there until I got home the next evening and was faced with the daunting task of washing them AND fixing another meal.

Since I will not be driving to work everyday, I will not use as much GAS in my car, nor will my car require maintenance as often.

I will have the time and energy to plan and cook healthy meals for my family as opposed to fast food and convenience meals that we get because I am either too tired to cook or not prepared with all the ingredients for a meal.

I will have more time to read and to write letters to my extended family.

I will be able to develop and maintain long-term relationships with friends and church members which in turn puts me in a better position to touch the lives of other people in positive ways. Also, I will be setting an example for my son of compassion and responsibility we all have with regards to the lives of those around us whom we touch.

Sorry if this is too long or if I seem like I'm lecturing. I just truly believe that this is where I belong. I've had a job, and it sucks. My most meaningful calling is right here in my arms.

By Children03 on Wednesday, May 26, 2004 - 09:30 am:

I am a SAHM too and I think that most of us do feel the same way to a certain degree. I feel lonely a lot of the time because I am talking to a 4 yr old, 3 yr old and a 13 month old all day long. I feel like I am losing my mind some days. Some things that have helped me are: Joining the Ladies Bible Study group once a week (because we have sessions on marriage, and recently we did one on Child Training), I also get together with other moms to have play time, I take the girls to the park (even if you are sitting alone on the bench while your children are playing) it is refreshing because your mind can slow down a bit and you are not hearing all of the yelling, just going outside to play in the sprinkler with our children, or clean the house ir will make you feel better. I think the more active you are, the better you will feel. If you sit around and think about how depresed you feel or how bored you are it only makes things worse so stay busy, even if it is cleaning the house or going for a walk. I am in the same boat but I am making the best of my situation. I hope you start to feel better.

By Tink on Wednesday, May 26, 2004 - 11:53 am:

For me, LIsa hit it on the nose. I only work part-time, opposite of my dh and he is a little more help, but I feel like I have all the expectations of a sahm around the house and 1/2 of the time. I miss out on things at my childrens' school because I can't get time off. I never see my dh and as soon as I get home, he goes to bed and I have to do homework, dinner, baths and bed for the kids. Then I can do my cleaning and anything I need to have done. I rarely get any free time and there are so many thing I wish I could do that I have had to give up. I missed adult interaction before I started working but it doesn't even out for me. Unfortunately, my dh isn't making the kind of money he used to so we really need the paycheck that I get. I have wanted to be home since the moment I started working and the end isn't anywhere in sight. I think that there is some truth to the grass is greener theory. I also think it depends on each person's personality and their situation. I would take some of the advice of the women that have already posted and try to focus on the positive. Hugs to you.

By Kittycat_26 on Wednesday, May 26, 2004 - 12:03 pm:

I skimmed through everything here quickly so I may have missed a response but I didn't see any posts on anyone that is a WOHM on a full time basis. I am and have always been and will always be. I came from a family where both of my parents worked out of the home. My husband came from a family where all the wives stayed at home.

I went back to work when Timmy was 7 weeks old. I missed work and like what I do. I did not do well for even the 7 weeks that I was at home full tim with Timmy. After the first two weeks, I got bored and could not find enough to "get into".

Timmy has wonderful independance and has done fine at daycare. He has structure like nothing that I could provide at home. He sees and does things that I could not make available to him. He is loved, comforted, and cared for.

As far as missing all of those firsts, I've said this before and I live by it. It is always a first for you when you see it the first time. Who cares if your child takes his first step at daycare in front of someone else? If I didnt' see it happen then it doesn't count. I don't write down in his baby book when daycare told me he took his first step. It's when I see it happen.

To each his own and hats off to those that can be SAHM. I couldn't do what they do.