Need advice
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive May 2004:
Need advice
Ok I will try to make the story as short as possible.
As you all know I have a sister in law that is beyond pushy (she is the one who insisted on coming at Christmas time uninvited). She is getting married (marriage#2) My husband and daughter will be in her wedding.
We live 4 hours away from them and my husband works Monday-Saturday 70+ hours a week. He does not get sick or personal time. His next vacation time is not available until July.
Ok so we did not attend multiple showers, engagement parties, etc. All were held on Saturdays and no children allowed.
#1 Hubby ALWAYS works Saturdays.
#2 We do not leave our children with anyone (they know this) and she refused to let them come.
#3 We think its ridiculous for her to have multiple showers when she has been married and has enough stuff---she is an extremely greedy person and even sent a wish list in her invitation.
So on my husbands birthday they came here and yelled and screamed at us that we did not have our priorities straight. We should have gone to ALL of the parties, etc. When asked why they scheduled them on a day they know he works they had no response. So anyone, they lectured (screamed) about family and priorities...
My son's birthday arrives and not so much as a phone call. NOTHING. Every year they call and sing him a birthday song. He is crushed. Do I say anything or just keep my mouth zipped?
They wanted us to take Friday off before the wedding which hubby arranged (though it was not easy and will be unpaid) so they got their way and yet they still did this? Is that having their priorities straight?
For the longest time I have kept a relationship with them for my children's sake. I wanted my children to have grandparents. But they are not good grandparents and my children are already being hurt by them. My son said he was sad but not surprised they didn't call..."after-all mommy they came to our house and screamed at daddy on his birthday".
Advice? Please!
This is ONLY what *I* would do. I would politely tell them that we would not be participating in or attending her wedding. I would say that they have been rude, ungrateful, and pushy with my family, and until they make a change we do not want anything to do with them. That's just me though. I personally do not want to be around people that bring me down, constantly hurt me and my family. I would hope that the grandparents would understand after being told the whole story. (((hugs))) What an awful position they have put you in!
Your sister-in-law is a trip. I remember you posting about her before.
I think all you can do is distance yourself from them. Don't return phone calls or emails or letters or anything. Don't ever send gifts. Got caller ID? Don't answer the phone. I mean, what else can you do? She's a pox on your life. She's self centered to the point of being mentally ill.
I missed something though in your post. How is this related to the grandparents? Is it a package deal?
Is it a package deal? ...YES!
The grandparents (inlaws) and sister-in-law came here and screamed at us. It was my mother-in-law doing most of the yelling. They DO know everything my sister in law has done and have excuses for everything. When we told her (SIL)
we couldn't go to one of the parties she called OVER 20 times--emailed several times and called my husbands work. We stopped taking her calls and forwarded all of her emails to the inlaws so they could see. They said "she was under a lot of stress due to wedding planning and hurt that we were not coming". Hello---anyone else and we could of pressed harrassment charges!
She can do no wrong in their eyes. I do not care about her. It is the inlaws I am asking how to deal with (meaning my children's grandparents). I fail to understand how they can say we do not put family first and need to get our priorities straight and then they do this to my son--their grandson?
First, what does your dh want to do? They are his family, and imo he gets first say on this issue. But, having said that, if people came to my house and yelled at me or any member of my family I would say "get out!!! - and don't come back until you can be polite!!!"
As I recall, when you put your foot down with your SIL last Christmas you had a reasonable degree of success. My thinking is that like most bullies, they will back down if someone stands up to them. But, don't yell - that puts you on their level.
As I suggested before - think out what might happen, role play it ahead of time, and find the words that you are comfortable with. Then, just keep repeating them. When they yell or say something that most probably ignores what you said, just repeat what you said - What I said was XXXX and I mean it.
I don't think you CAN deal with the in-laws, and unless your husband wants to and wants you to, I don't see why you should. I suggest, gently and respectfully, that you have an image in your mind of what grandparents "should be" and this is what you want for your ds. But your in-laws are not that - they are not the image and they are not only not good grandparents, they are obviously not good parents. I suggest, as gently and respectfully as printed words can convey, that you put away your dream image and, especially since they have already hurt your ds, give up on that dream and deal with the reality of what these people are really like, and recognize that you not only don't want to inflict them on yourself, you don't really want to inflict them on your ds.
If your dh wants to keep in some kind of communication, then you will have to work out a compromise of the minimum he will be happy with and the maximum you can live with. But you can't start working on that compromise until you accept the reality of these people and the situation.
I know what you mean, and I have watched my dear sons struggle with the image of what they would like their father to be and the reality of what he is - and I have watched them be hurt time and again and I hurt inside every time. I will never understand how or why parents can be so hateful to their children - I just accept that this is a fact of life for some people, and I'm really glad I never had to actually live with it except second-hand by watching my sons with their father (who, by the way, is not a really bad guy, he is just irresponsible and selfish - and they recognize it and are hurt by it.)
I have problems with my dh's family as well. I agree with Amy, when they hurt your children its time to let them know it is not accepted. Hopefuly you dh sticks up for your family, mine won't stick up for me! They can say how disliked I am to my face, but he won't say anything to them about it. In fact there will most likely be a big long post about it later, because they are going to be here tonight!
My husband was ready to kick them out of our house (and tell them we would not be attending the wedding). He told them that he had enough of their treating our family badly. I am the one who stopped it (I interupted him when he was telling them where they could go).
The reason? because my daughter is looking forward to being in this wedding. I did not want to hurt her too with this mess. They said if we did not get Friday off she would not be allowed in the wedding. She has been excited about being dressed up and in the wedding with her cousin. If my child was not stuck in the middle of this I would have showed them the door.
I know we will make sure our children are never put in the middle again.
My husband has as little to do with them as possible. I have always emailed them updates on the grandkids and sent pictures. I made my husband call them every week. That is all over. He called her on Mother's Day (because I made him) but other than that there has been no communication from us since April's birthday from hell. It has been ridiculous that we always were the ones calling and yet....we do not have our priorities straight?
You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. As painful as this is, you don't need all this stress in your life. Do the wedding for your daughter's sake and then have nothing more to do with any of them, unless they come to you.
You've tried to explain, tried to reason tried 'till you're blue in the face. Some people just can't be nice or civilized. Their only priority is themselves and their own selfish wants and desires.
I have an aunt who is this way. She made my mother's life miserable until my father saw the games she was playing and told her where to go. We went from seeing her every weekend to not seeing her for years. This was difficult for me at first because she was my "favorite aunt" But I got over it, and I'm a better person not to have her in my life.
I think your children will be better for not having too much contact with these people either. They may be Grandparents in name, but they don't sound like grandparents in any other meaning of the word.
Stop calling, stop thinking about them and you'll feel better. Your husband had the right idea, I'm sorry to say.
Ame
I agree with the other posts that I would have as little to do with this part of the family as possible. I also know that this can be really hard. I would let my daughter be in the wedding because she is looking forward to it so much but after that I would act like they dropped off the face of the earth. I wouldn't answer phone calls or e-mails and let dh phone them only as often as he felt comfortable with. They are being totally unreasonable with their demands on your time and this kind of person will never think you do enough. I wasn't here during Christmas or April's party but I think that this incident and everything that has led up to it is enough to make me say that I have taken enough from you and this is the end. I am so sorry that you are being put in the middle of all of this hostility. Unfortunately, it may get worse when they realize that you are ignoring them but it will be the only way to get some peace eventually. {{{Yvonne}}}
All I can think to say is, NICE!!! I say distance... the more the better.....
Yikes! I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said(and very well said by Ginny) by most everyone who posted.
It's good that Dh feels basically the same as you do. Go to the wedding, be gracious....and then cut contact down to a bare minimum.
My mother is no horrorshow.....she is pretty ok most of the time. But one thing that makes me sad is how selfish she is.
We were talking one day and she was saying.."oh I can't wait till June! I am going to take 1 week off work so I can go to the Stampede(a yearly rodeo/fair we have in Calgary)...and I will take off 1 week in May just to do nothing and get some housecleaning done....
And I'm looking at her in shock because my baby is due at the end of june(after the Stampede) and she would NEVER EVER think of taking even a day off to come and help me or spend time with me and the baby.
Some people just have different priorities I guess....babies are born every day..but the Stampede comes but once a year! LOL!!!
I guess we can wish that people would be a certain way-and we can try to be that way ourselves!
good luck!
fiona
I really cant say much b/c my inlaws can be a little loopy also! LOL I think they allllll can be at times.
I have HUGE problems with my mother-in-law. Thankfully my dh sees that she's crazy and sticks up for me. It's good that your husband's on your side too. It definately helps.
What I did is basically just told her that I don't have time in my life for all the crap she kept dealing out, and neither does my daughter. I was EXTREMELY honest with her, something that I'm sure she didn't want to hear, but couldn't really argue with, and that was the only way to gain a bit of respect from her. I told her exactly what I felt of her and exactly how she made everyone feel. Now at least she tries to hold back a little.
It's a shame about your kids being affected by it though. From your son's reaction though he seems to have a good head on his shoulders and is able to recognize nonsense when he sees it. In the end, it'll just teach your children how NOT to act, and what type of people to try and aviod in their lives.
All I can say is to speak your mind while trying not to get too emotional about it. I know that's hard, but she's going to feed off any drama you send her way. Act like it doesn't effect you, and truly don't let it. She acts that way because she's getting something from it. Attention, arguments, anything. The main thing is to not give anymore of your energy to it. Let her know that you're glad her way of life is making her happy and you respect that, but you live by different standards. Neither is better than the other. But she should respect you as well, and leave it at that. If she gets no reaction to her rantings, she will eventually realize there is no fun in attacking you.
As far as the kids go, they seem smart enough to understand on their own. If they ask any questions, just be honest, (without sounding too biased if that's possible HA!)
Good luck
I agree with Amy.........they sound like toxic people.......as painful as it initially is to let go of someone you desperately want to have a relationship with, or want your kids to have a relationship with - especially if they are family - for whatever reason, you will, in time, discover how peaceful your life becomes. It took me years to learn that it's OKAY to do that. Apparently they are truly selfish, self-involved people who think the world revolves around THEM all of the time.
I have relatives like that and I've done my best to dismiss them for my own pease of mind. If things work out later on, then that is fine for everyone but you have a life to live NOW, months, years with your DH and kids that can never be replaced, and if you are attacked by these people on a regular basis because you don't bend to their wishes and demands, your life will be miserable. Concentrate on on what is best for YOUR family.
Well, I HAD to let go of my sister. Your story sounds very familiar. I feel so bad for you as I know the personal pain something like this can cause. For many years I put up with it and then decided I had ENOUGH. She now has been saying bad things to other family members because she obviously cannot stand rejection. This has been a very rough road for us to travel. I would say for sure that I am a much happier, more content person now. People like this are toxic. They are selfish and blaim everyone else if things don't go exactly the way they want without giving back in return. They seem to be great at manipulating people. I don't even talk to other family members anymore because of the lies (over the years) she has been spreading. It's dynamite emotionally for me, I tried everything from writing letters to talking nicely about things to her. She told everyone in my family that I sent her a nasty letter! How can you tell I am emotional about this, sorry. Maybe I need to post my own issue. It hurts, after all she is my sister. But you know she stressed me out to no end and in return my kds got a cranky mother and my dh had to deal with trying to fix what hurtful things she threw at me. It is better for everyone in the long run. Sounds to me that your problems started a long time ago. Being nice and putting up with this kind of relationship does not work. It hurts me to no end to hear others going through a similar situation. (((HUGS))) Why can some people be so cruel?
BTW, in my situation as (Mommie) said, I do believe these people ARE on the verge if not mentally ill. This is why I probably cannot make any sense out of this kind of behavior! 
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