I don't know exactly how to say this, but my DH feels like he is not great in bed because he relieves himself too early, he feels like. We do other stuff usually before, and I think he is too caught up in the moment. If we don't do anything before, he does just fine. I've tried to tell him that everything is perfect and he makes me happy, but he gets really upset at himself. He thinks he has a problem, and I told him that he should see someone if he feels this way. He immidiately says NO. We were both eachothers firsts, so we can't really compare, not that I want to. I don't know what to do to make him feel like everything is fine. I'm sorry if this is an inappropriate(sp?) post, but I didn't know who else to ask.

By Emily7 on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 05:57 pm:

If he is finishing to early for you make him back off for a few seconds or change the way that he is moving. There are things that you can get to make him last longer, I am not sure what they are called. You could also cut the floor play time in half or out for a little while. My dh used to recite the alphabet in his head when he got close if I wasn't ready.

Just keep telling him how good he is & he will stop the self-doubt hopefully.

By Pamt on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 07:03 pm:

Well, this is my 3rd time to recommend this book on this board, so here I go again ......"A Celebration of Sex" by Dr. Douglas Rosenau. What you are describing is referred to as premature ejaculation. We have never personally had an issue with that, but from my reading and talking with other friends I understand it is fairly common and nothing to be ashamed about.

However, it can be corrected and lead to a more satisfying sex life for both of you. The book I cited has a whole chapter devoted to decreasing premature ejaculation and has exercises and tips for your husband to do alone and with you to work on this. From my understanding, the longer your dh can learn to "hold off" the more satisfied he will ultimately be. I would not suggest shortening foreplay time, because that is something you need. Remember, women are crockpots and men are microwaves. It is through foreplay that your dh will ultimately learn to control and master his own timing. I HIGHLY recommend the book I mentioned and think that it will not be only of benefit in this issue, but intimacy and sex as a whole.

P.S., Congrats on being each other's "one and only!!" That is so rare and so special in this day and time. My dh and I became each other's *only* on our honeymoon and I think that you will find, as we have, that it just gets better with each passing year and you understand each other in a deeper and more meaningful way.

By Truestori on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 08:47 pm:

Well,
I'm not shy to admit that this has happened in my marriage, also. I haven't read any books about it because, like you the few times it has occured really didn't bother me. I know that most if not all men masturbate(some women here may disagree,lol)and I believe it is a great way to build stamina. If you two are comfortable with this idea then help him almost reach that point and then hold it....If he's comfortable on his own, tell him to practice until he almost does and then stop. Oh, and you should allow him to read the boards so he knows that hes not abnormal! He is probably just young and ready....LOL

By Vbw1978 on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 10:26 pm:

truestori said it. if he relieves himself more then he should last longer. if he is at the point have him pull out or move like said above. check out the book that Pamt recommended, cant hurt anything.
Good luck

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 10:36 pm:

I would say this is 100% normal. We go through this too.. The more he uses it the longer he will last. And if he is stressing about it, it will happen more often... DH does the mind wondering thing too. But if he gets to thinking about something to hard then he will just loose it all together... I suggest he just stop sweating the small stuff. And no one every said that being with your spouse sexually had a time frame attached. Some of the best in counters are the quickest.

By Rayanne on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 09:20 am:

Thank you ladies. I am glad to see that I am not alone. We try to have it as much as possible, sometimes hard with DD around. She's been going to sleep lately around 9:00/9:30pm everynight, so we are getting more practice. Thank you Pam for mentioning that book. I am going to check it out of the Library today. I don't know why I posted anon. I gues I thought that I was the only one.

By Mara on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 10:21 am:

Well, I'm going to fess up here too and say that my dh has the same problem. It does'nt bother me too much. I always tell hime that it was great, although sometimes a few more minutes is all I would have needed I think I will look into the book mentioned. As for him using it more to help him, he uses it too much already! LOL I'd hate to think how long he would last if he was'nt masterbating! LOL Oh God, he would just kill me if he knew I posted this!

By Vicki on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 10:38 am:

Mara, your response is going to make me finally ask this question. Several times I have read people talk about their dh's masterbating. How do you know they do this? Do they do it in front of you? Do you catch them? I am not saying that my dh doesn't do it because I know that I would be foolish in saying that, but I have been with him for almost 17 years now and honestly can say that I can't say for sure that he does. I have never caught him and never heard him doing it. So my question (that I have wondered about for ages now) is how do you all know they do it???

By Rayanne on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 10:50 am:

I am embaressed to say this, but I have cought my DH before. I went to bed early, and he stayed up. About an hour and a half later, I woke up and he still wasn't in bed. I got up and opened our bedroom door which opens up to our living room and saw him. I never have said anything and I pretended like I didn't see it. I just asked when he was coming to bed? He has also left KY Jelly in the wrong place and tissues too. I never bring it up though. Should I if it doesn't really bother me? He's a guy, and I know most of them do.

By Mara on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 10:52 am:

Vicki,
There has been more than one occation in the morning that I will get up before him. Then I have walked in the bedroom and he has woke up and been playing with it. He just pretends not to be but I know better There are other times that he has come right out and told me that he does. A few times last year I caught him looking at porn on the computer while masturbating! This was a HUGE deal to me, and it did cause problems but we worked through it. One time I woke in the middle of the night and could tell that he was doing it right in the bed next to me! This was when I was about 9 months pregnant and I had refused sex that night. I'm not positive but I think that he does almost every morning before he goes to work. He is 29 and has a huge sex drive. It's not like he doesn't get sex either. We average about 3-4 times a week. It does'nt bother me that he does this..it did bother me when he was looking at women on-line and doing it. I told him how that made me feel and he has gotten better, although I'm not sure if he has stopped that altogether. I can't be with him 24/7 But, I know that he loves me, and to me that is what matters. A lot of women might disagree and think that because he mastubates that he doesn't love me or that he is not being satisfied, but I know better. We've been married almost 9 years and I know that he loves me. We are open in sexual discussion, and we often joke about him needing it so much.

By Truestori on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 11:20 am:

I'll be the one to say that masturbation is a part of every mans life or has been at one time!

Where are all the men to back me up on this one? LOL

By Rayanne on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 11:25 am:

My husbands friend does it everyday and his excuse is that it helps prevent prostate cancer. I don't know if that's true or not.

By Happynerdmom on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 11:36 am:

I'll back you up, Truestori! My dh and I are open about it. It doesn't bother me. (He does it in the shower. Sometimes, if I'm in the mood, I'll jump in and help!)We've been very happily married for 17 years. IMO, if you have a big issue with it, I think there may be an underlying cause...distrust? dissatisfaction with your love life? disrespect? I can see where, if there are other issues involved, this could become an issue, too. JMHO. I guess everyone works out their own relationship stuff, but in our marriage it's not a big deal. BTW, no one's mentioned women doing it...am I the only one??(And did I just tell a group of strangers that I do?! LOL)

By Melana on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 11:39 am:

my husband does every day, sometimes twice, I know cause sometimes he doesn't flush all his little men down the toilet every night. We had a problem with it last year cause it was interfering(sp?) with our sex life. He would go in the bathroom and masturbate while I was wide awake and at home!! I finnaly talked to him about it when we went almost two months without sex. I told him as long as it wasn't a problem I didn't mind, most women do it too, even if they don't admit it, lol.

By Ilovetom on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 11:59 am:

Happynerdmom- *raising hand* you are not alone.

By Emily7 on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 12:04 pm:

I think that as long as it doesn't interfere in your sex life it can sometimes help it. With all three of my pregnancies it was no sex for at least three months. I didn't expect him to not to & like Michele I helped once in a while.
I am sure that every woman has done it themselves at least once in their life.

By Boxzgrl on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 12:24 pm:

Dh doesnt have the early ejaculation problem. I was his first and he did then but he has read many books that have helped. In all honesty, he gets most of his tips from the Maxim magazine. LOL! We did have a problem before with his masturbation but I think that has been resolved. I just told him that i'd feel better if he came to me first and if I wasnt in the mood then I didnt care. Our problem was that he would always assume I didnt want to and go do that while I was waiting for him in the bed. I think now he only does it about once a week. I'm im with Happynerdmom, were open about it. I sometimes make a game to catch him and gets kinda embarrased (in a good way) then I can usually jump in the shower with him! DH does think im weird b/c i've only tried by myself once and didnt like it so I never do. I just wait for him. Though I do have a small sex drive! LOL!

By Palmbchprincess on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 05:27 pm:

I agree with Melissa, as reluctant as guys can be, a little research can come in handy. I mean why are men born thinking they know how to do everything sexually? We're very open in our relationship, as far as discussing things. I know he does, and no, Michele, you aren't alone, he knows I do!! His sex drive is higher, and that's fine, as long as he's not getting it elsewhere. Mara, I agree with you about the internet, that was a BIG problem with my Ex, and he couldn't understand why I didn't approve. I have different outlooks than most women, Playboy and stuff is ok, but on the internet, you have no idea if these women are of age. My Ex would look at things labeled to be "barely 18", but who knows if those girls really are over 18?! The proof of age is not as closely monitored on many sites, especially free ones. There lies my issue... And back to the original problem, usually things before the main event matter more with us, so he'll focus on me first, and then endurance during is not AS important. And changing things up can help prevent an early finish...

By Tink on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 08:53 pm:

My dh does almost everyday. He is fairly open about it and, frankly, I can't keep up with him. Since he works nights and I work days, we rarely have a chance if it isn't his day off. He knows that I take care of "my business," and he takes care of his, but that we both prefer to take care of each other, if time and children allow. Foreplay is a big deal when we do get some alone time (1-2 times each week) so his staying power isn't that important, which is a good thing, because, since he started a new medication, nothing is helping him last any longer. He'd kill me if he knew how much I was telling "total strangers!"

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 11:28 pm:

LOL @ Ya all........ Rayanne, your DH is normal. And if it wasn't such a big deal to be bigger and last longer I am sure it wouldn't be an issue with him. But just like with everything else it is a competition. And it is the "big fish story" all over again. As in it is only a guppy but they tell it like it was a shark. And they reeled it in in 5 minutes but they tell it like it took 5 hours...... They think we need huge and hours. But for many that is so far from the truth... What works in my bedroom may not work in yours and men would do good to see that.....

By Rayanne on Saturday, May 22, 2004 - 11:27 am:

Thank you all so much. We had a long talk last night, and I reassured him that I have no problem with him and that I love our intimacy time. I don't care how long it lasts, as long as I get some. He finally, I think, is ok with everything. He said that he will please me first from now on, just incase. HEY!!! I'm not gonna complain there

By Luvn29 on Saturday, May 22, 2004 - 12:24 pm:

My husband and I are very open about it. He knows I do it regularly, and I know he does. We have two young kids and he works nights so we don't get much opportunity throughout the week. So we take care of ourselves through the week. But on weekends we are all for each other.

I am not an easy woman to reach the big "O". Sometimes it is just not going to be a possibility, and I'm okay with that. So is my husband, now. So it's really not a big deal to us how quickly he does during those times. But he always asks me if he needs to go longer.

I understand how this could be a problem if it happened all of the time. I think you have gotten good advice though.

Good luck!!!