Depresses and just need to get it out!!!!
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive May 2004:
Depresses and just need to get it out!!!!
I’ve been feeling this way for some time, but really don’t have anyone to TALK to about it. My DH just doesn’t get it. I tell myself I should be happy and thankful for my life. I have a wonderful DH and a beautiful DD. But, sometimes…
I’ve been married for six years. My husband was married before and has a fifteen year old son, who he is very close to. My DSS has never been a problem. He’s a good kid, straight As, never in trouble. The only real “problem” is that he’s somewhat behind socially. His mother made him go to school four cities away from where he lives and they lie about living in the city limits. So, he doesn’t have many friends because he could never tell anyone where he lived or give them his phone number and such. Only now that he’s in high school has he started showing signs of really trying to be more outgoing. He has school friends calling the house and has been asking for rides back and forth to spend time with them. This is all great with me and DH, because we were really starting to worry (he still spends weekends with us and, when at home, would rather be in his room watching TV or on the computer). But, now the ex has decided that this school is not challenging him, so she is sending him to a private school (that’s the way all decisions are with her, even though they have joint custody, what she says goes, who cares about anyone else). There are a couple of things that go with this. 1) I can’t believe she is taking him out of this school just as he’s finally showing some signs of making friends. 2) We have told her numerous times we cannot afford a private school ($8900 a year plus the cost of books and special clothes). We are barely making ends meet now. We have refinanced our house twice in the last year just to get out of debt and still owe on our taxes from last year! We live from check to check, reasonably speaking (we have a little wiggle room, but no savings or anything like that.) So, she is taking us to court for more than the $1,000/month we give her now! She says she can’t make it on just $1,000 a month, she needs at least $1,500!!! I’m sorry, but I have to think about my own child! Why should one get more than the other? She too has remarried. Both her and her husband work full-time, they both drive a brand new car (my DH and I both have 10 year old cars), and have gone on six vacation in the last three years!!! Big vacations, like two cruises (one of which she took her son AND a friend to keep him company), Aruba, Cancun! Hello… I haven’t had a vacation since my honeymoon! We’ve had to retain an attorney ($150 and hour with a $1,000 retainer up front, like we can afford that?)
So, as I get depressed and my DH gets angry, things in our home have gotten very tense! We were looking for a larger house when this all started. We wanted a two family or a single with a nice in-law for my parents. My father was diagnosed with cancer 18 months ago, and only given a six to nine month prognosis. He’s still going strong, but, we have to face reality about the future. We both want them with us, and more so after he’s gone and it’s just my mom alone. But, now that’s on hold. So, I’ve resorted to the only thing I seem to have control over. Eating! I’ve been on a steady scale up since shortly after I got married, but did the most damage while I was pregnant. Well, I’m almost back to my highest pregnancy weight. But, now I’m even more depressed because of how much weight I’ve gained. I can’t keep up with my DD and that is adding to the depression. They are opening a Curves right around the corner, but, I don’t think I can afford it! But, I feel like without anyone to go through this with, I won’t do it. And I really don’t have a support system. I’m everyone else’s support, but when it comes to me, I have no one to talk to. I feel trapped in this vicious circle and don’t know how to get out???
Is it an option to have his son come and live with you? I would think that at 15, he might have some say in where he lives. I don't have any good advice to give, but will give you (((hugs))) and I hope this gets resolved soon.
I don't have any advice
but I really hope and pray things will get better
for you. You sure are going through alot
right now. Hugs and prayers.
hon i dont have any advice really .... i am sooo sorry that you are going through this ! i will think about you & your family everyday & wish the best outcome for you. I am sorry about your father also. I wish you all the luck !
I agree with Sunny, I would see about having your step-son come live with you. I don't think a judge would order you to pay more than you can afford. What about just saying "no" to the private school, I am sure in the divorce decree they both have to agree. My Uncles ex pays $50.00 a kid per month plus she is behind, in fact she has never paid.
Not much advice here just some (((HUGS))). You have come to right right place, i'm sure you will nothing but useful advice from these ladies. I hope all turns out for the best.
Wow, you've really got a lot on your plate right now. I don't think anyone would blame you for feeling depressed and overwhelmed. I don't think there are any easy answers to this but you do have some support here. I think that anything over $1,000 per month is pretty unreasonable. In fact, that is one of the higher child support payments that I have heard for one child. I think a lawyer is your only choice in this matter but it is a shame that she is able to live this way when you are trying to do the best you can. Try to do something for yourself, whether it is Curves or a daily walk or something else. I have recently started walking and found someone there that I meet each morning. I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of the news about your dad. {{{Hugs}}} to you and stay strong!
Thank you for all your support and well wishes. It is certainly appreciated.
Ok, I'm going through divorce myself, and with 1 child $1000 a month C/S seems exorbitant already. $1500 is ridiculous!! And I would make sure the judge is aware of the problems DSS has had since he has been fraudulently enrolled by his mother in one school, and may now be pulled from that school to go to another. If you can have DSS live with you, he should be able to make that decision now. Usually after age 12 the courts lean heavily on the child's opinion. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I know it stinks. As far as the weight loss, have you checked out the things the ladies on the weight-loss board are doing? They seem to really drive each other, and most are doing things outside of the gym from what I've seen. Use us for support, that's what we're here for!! If you ever want to talk privately my email is Ckaiser @ hot.rr.com (without the spaces). I can certainly relate to a lot of your problems, and wouldn't mind lending my "ear", if you need someone to listen to you. 
First she can't just decide how much money she wants. It is based off of your DH's income. And a judge isn't going to say "oh you want private school? Oh yes then he has to pay..." That isn't the way it works... And if she and her DH are making more than your DH then the judge will surely not award her more money on something so petty.. Private school is a not one of those covered expenses. You know shelter, food, clothing........
I would speak to DH and see if he would like to see if DSS would want to move in with you two for the rest of his schooling. It sounds like it might be a time for a change. And Crys is right the age is generally 12, when you can request to be moved. If your DH decides he would like to look into it. He needs to ask DS if he would want to live there and then he needs to have the attorney request a guardian ad litem for his son. This is a third party person that will talk with and get to know DSS and will help the judge decide if the child is being properly dealt with by all parties. Which it sounds like mom might have some issues.
She can't take something just because she wants it. He gave her a child that doesn't mean he has to give her his blood.
Wonder how much this has to do with him getting so close to being out of school??? Could she be trying to get as much as she can before it all ends???? (know someone that did this, took back to court got more money and paid double payments on her car so it would be paid off one month before graduation... Said ex owed her as much. Like she didn't lay down and create the child... Just confuses me..)
e-hugs and prayers for you. What a mess you are having to live with. I hate to see men or women take advantage of support rulings.
I have no experience in this area at all, but I do know that the YMWCA offers a program called "Open Doors." My friend is on this program and I just signed up for it to have my DD go to summer camp. You simply fill out the form and wait for their reply on a sliding scale monthly fee. My friend pays only $10 a month for a full membership to the gym...which includes child care during workouts. Our monthly fee is higher since we are in a different financial area...but still much less than the general fees. We are still being processed right now, so I don't even know if we are accepted. I don't expect to be denied.
Contact your local Y and see what they have for you. Besides the gym, they offer so much more.
And as for child support issues, isn't there a place that acts as a legal consultant for those in need? I would call the agency in charge of child support in your area.
There is help out there, you just need to start asking for it. I know it is difficult to ask, but if you need it, you need it. I often think "I can't believe I am applying for this program"...but then I look at the other hand, DD will not participate in ANY summer program without this help. And we have no kids in our neighborhood and no siblings. She needs it, so we do it.
Hopefully, you will find a close friend to bond with soon and start your support network. Just having one friend to lean on can make such a difference. I thank God all the time for my friend I met just after DD was born. She is my life saver, just as I am sure I am to her. Don't think I would have made it thru those first years of parenting with her.
Thank you everyone for all your understanding and advise! Just talking about it is helpful. My DH thinks he's doing good by not talking to me about the situation, because he doesn't want to upset me. But, he admitted this morning that it is that he doesn't want to upset me, but also that he's embarrassed that he married a person who has turned out to be so different than he ever expected!
We heard back from the ex (through the lawyer), and she does not want to give the courts any of her financial documents. She is calling OUR integrity into question and her response was threatening and a little humorous (or maybe I just find it humorous since I'm feeling a little better about all this... thanks to you guys)! So, basically, she wants everything we have, but doesn't want to tell us what she has! Which makes me believe that Bobbie hit it right on the head. She doesn't NEED the money, she WANTS the money and it has nothing to do with my DSS! Thankfully, we have a better lawyer then she does, so, we are hoping this is getting close to being over.
We had talked about bring my DSS to live with us. Especially since our town has some of the newest and highly regarded school systems in the state. But, he wanted to stay with his mother. He feels like he's abandoning her. (Guilt trip!)
The whole situation is just so frustrating! I thank you all, again, for listening and being there!
Also, I'm posting anon, not so much that I don't want any of you to know who I am. I just don't want ANYTHING to jeopardize this situation for my DH.
$1000 a month is nuts I was ordered $400 a month or $100 a week. And for 1 child that is more than enough. I don't make $1500 in a month and most people I know don't. If she thinks a judge will grant that she is nuts. ANd if she will not give her and her husbands financials then the judge will throw the case out totally. ANd I tell you what if your DH were smart he would try to lower if down from $1000 and start to just buy things for his son instead. What does a 16 need $1000 a month for. Since it should be going to things for him that is way to much money.
I agree, $1000 a month, given your financial situation, is far too much (and probably more than 1/2 of the cost of raising the child). If she is taking your dh to court, this is the time to use the opportunity to get the support payment lowered in line with his income and other obligations, and to also try to deal with the whole private school, transferring him just as he is making friends issue. Since the boy is now 15, can the judge be persuaded to appoint an attorney to represent him and to present what the boy wants. Has anyone asked him what he wants?
No wonder you are depressed. Vent away. {{{{{{Anon}}}}}}}
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