I have a friend (Friend since Jr. High), married with 3 children. She got married right out of High School. They bought a house and seemed really happy; they were doing well with life.

Things have changed. Her and her husband have sort of an "open" marriage now. She has been seeing someone for over 2 years now. Her DH chats on the Internet and I believe has met women. She got her nipples pierced even! I guess she showed the whole softball team. I keep hearing more and more rumors about how her life is getting off track. She now goes out drinking all the time and has lost a lot of weight, having trouble paying bills. She's just a different person.

We emailed recently about this. I said I didn't understand, but care about her and don't want to judge her and I just worry about her.

I am not perfect. I don't want to sound high and mighty here, but what the heck is wrong with this situation? I just can't stand to see her live her life this way. She said "I'm just having a little fun!" Is it a "little fun" when it's been years?

I've backed off the friendship, because I don't agree with her lifestyle and also because we don't have much in common anymore. I do care about her, and I worry about her health.

Am I the only one that doesn't get this?? Who would want an "open" marriage??! What about the kids? They have to realize that this is going on.

By Texannie on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 01:28 pm:

No. Doesn't sound normal to me. Sounds like she is flipping out.

By Emily7 on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 01:32 pm:

Its just sick IMO. I married my dh because I love him & only want to be with him. If I wanted to have more than one relationship I would have stayed single. Maybe its because I am happy, but I don't feel the need to go out & party every weekend. I just want time to have a quiet bubble bath or go shopping by myself every once in a while.

Is she doing drugs?? How many kids does she have because this can't be good for them to see.

I don't even understand why people have affairs. My relationship isn't perfect, but I love him and love being a family.

By Sunny on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 01:47 pm:

Unfortunately, people change and it's not always for the better. Is she trying to live the life she imagined she might have lived if she hadn't married young? Could it be that she's really not happy and is making bad choices? Does she feel that this is who she really is and marriage and kids were a lifestyle she didn't want or wasn't ready for?

I don't know. I can't really say since I don't know her, but I understand your position. It's hard to feel the same way about someone when you disagree with their values and decisions. It's almost like feeling that you didn't really know that person at all.

By Ladypeacek on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 01:59 pm:

i could never handle an open marriage! Maybe cuz i am a christian but that is not the way its meant to be. How do her kids handle it? They may not know details but kids are pretty good at knowing when things are different. This could really hurt them in the long run, give them problems with trust and not teach them how to have respect for themselves or others. Its the kids i would worry about most of all!

By Happynerdmom on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 02:01 pm:

I think Sunny hit the nail on the head...It seems that sometimes, especially when people marry young, they sort of go through some sort of second adolescence. I saw this happen with a friend of mine, and she was 40 years old!! It's like she went crazy...left her husband for a much younger man, tatoos, etc. She said she was tired of living for everyone else, and wanted to live for herself. Unfortunately, I don't think they realize the havoc they cause for everyone around them...especially the children. It's really sad.

By Texannie on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 02:05 pm:

I think Sunny did too.

By Vicki on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 02:22 pm:

I agree that it sounds to me like she is reliving what she now wishes she would have experienced after high school. Sad situation for the kids. My guess is this open marriage thing they claim to have going is just that they are staying together at this point for the kids. No one in their right mind would WANT an open marriage. What they fail to realize is the lessons about marriage and family that they are teaching those same kids they think they are staying together for. Just all around sad to me.

By Boxzgrl on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 02:31 pm:

I agree with the above posts as well. It could be due to the fact that she married young. Being that i'm one of the "young & married" I have a lot of friends who go through this and I don't mean to but I tend to push them away as well. Not because I dont like them but because I dont agree with what they are doing. I would say at this point it seems to be what her and her husband want so let them have it. The only way to learn from this is for them to see what happens down the road. I've learned the very hard way not to be the "messenger" so to speak in these type of situations. Just let what happens, happen! Good luck and good luck to your friend. I hope she finds herself and reality pretty soon.

By Bea on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 02:57 pm:

It's not just people of this age that FLIP out like this. My best friend, in her mid 50s, was married for 35 years, raised two kids, went back to school, got her degree, worked for the local university, and decided this year to chuck it all and move to Germany to be with the guy who was her boyfriend when they were both 16. I don't understand at all. I think she's having a breakdown, and I'm trying very hard to keep our friendship intact, because I really believe she will figure out what's really going on, and need me. I care too much for her to turn my back and walk away.

By Mommyathome on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 03:18 pm:

DH and I were married young. (19 and 20 years old). There is NO way that I would even think about doing something like that. It's crazy IMO.
What in the world is she thinking?
I think that things like this happen to people of all different ages/lifestyles/backgrounds. I don't think there is a specific reason for the behavior (i.e. being married young). It is all up to the individual to make the decision.
I have a friend from high school that has chosen a different path in life, that I don't agree with. I have pushed our friendship to the side for the past several years because of it. She just does things that I don't agree with, and we really have no common interests anymore.
I think you are doing the right thing, Eve, by backing off the friendship. I hope she soon realizes that what she is doing can hurt herself as well as her family.

By Lorebunde on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 03:33 pm:

My brother and his wife have what I would call an "open" marriage. He is closed mouth about it and I dont know if he sees anyone but his wife has had a boyfriend for about 2 years. At one point her car died and we found out he actually drove her there. The family cannot understand what the heck is going on. The boyfriend doesn't live far from me and her car is there all weekend.
She actually sleeps over there. They have no kids, rent their house. I don't know why they are even together. I know it sounds crazy but he gets paid under the table and I wonder if she is blackmailing him. (He does everything for her, including just buying her a new (older) car).

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 05:01 pm:

I'm not seeing how the open marriage thing works, but close friends of mine and my Ex were in one. The were married in their late 20s, they both had careers and life experiences before they met. When talking to her alone, I found that he lied and downplayed just how "open" it was. She had originally agreed to it because he had cheated, and they seemed really happy, but I think she settled for it to "keep" him. Onto the rest of your friends behavior... I can sort of relate. I had known for a while that I was unhappy in my marriage. A whole lot went on that no one knew about, and it seemed no one cared either. When I finally decided to leave, I handled it poorly, and went a little nuts. Mind you I married the day before my 19th birthday, and got pregnant later on that month. I dated a few guys, lost some weight, got my tongue and nipples pierced, spent a ton of money, and just acted a fool. It took a little while to settle down, but I'm paying the price for it now. Now that was in a 2-3 month period, I can't imagine continuing that way for any extended period of time. Actually, most of my "wild" moments were in the couple of weeks before and after my 21st birthday. I think I was feeling like I'd missed out on everything "fun", and this was the last "fun" milestone. It's really good that you at least stand by your friend, and let her know you care. I couldn't say the same about my "friends", and it REALLY hurts. She needs someone there when it crashes down, and it will. BUT!!! If you GENUINELY think there is drug use, or any serious alcohol abuse you should try to intervene. With her family and friends. And you didn't mention how old the kids are, but if they are in danger please call CPS!! HTH

By Eve on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 06:29 pm:

Thanks everyone. I was hoping someone could shed some light on this. I don't think it was getting married young. I really don't. She always went out on "girls night" and had lots of her own activities. She says she doesn't want to leave her DH, that this actually enhances certain aspects. I, of course, did not ask details. I'm not sure about drug use. When I've seen her, I haven't noticed anything. (I've had lots of experience in this area, and I can usually tell right away.)

She never, ever drank before. Maybe one drink. So, I think she enjoyed that when she started going out and drinking. Maybe that she did miss out on. I just feel like, ok enough is enough. When do you just outgrow some of this behavior. I mean, I love to go out. I'll have a few margaritas with friends, great! But, ALL the time, and when your bills aren't being paid? No, not going to happen.

She's my friend. I love her. I am concerned. I let it be known that I'm here for her and that I want her to be healthy and happy.

It's just so WEIRD! I mean, she was so together, good with money, a good Mom. (Ages of kids! Oh Gosh, let's see 13,11,7?) Her and her DH have had their share of problems, but I just think if you are both wanting to sleep with other people and you are carrying on relationships that are lasting years, it's time to MOVE ON! How can you have a good relationship if you are not focused one ONE person.

Sorry, I get so worked up about this! I'm just very sad about the whole thing.

Crystal, we all have lapses in judgement! Atleast you knew you couldn't carry on your "wild" streak forever. I'm sorry your friends didn't stick by you and talk it out. Ok, and the nipple piercings-OUCH! I'm teasing. I don't have an issue so much with the piercings, but the showing everyone.

I'm just perplexed by the whole thing!! Thanks for listening to me ramble on!

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 09:03 pm:

LOL Eve, I took them out, they never did heal right. And it is strange to behave like your friend is, I REALLY think it may be a rebellion caused by something else in her life. I know for me it was a general frustration, and desire to be irresponsible like my Ex had been all along. I was tired of being the "grown-up", and had a lot of resentment. You say her character before this was responsible and put together. Perhaps she was taking on all the responsibility in holding the family together? (I'm just speculating here...) Maybe now that the kids are getting self-sufficient she's gone wild. Think about it this way.... teen goes off to Freshman year college, and FREAKS with the freedom. But again, I don't know her, so these are just my observations!

By Pamt on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 09:45 pm:

It is heart-breaking and confusing Eve. I certainly don't understand the open marriage then. If it is "open," then it's not a marriage, IMHO.

I had a best friend in MO that had been a dear friend for about 4 years. My DH and I did lots of stuff with her and her DH. I had been with her through 3 miscarriages (no kids) and we had poured our hearts out to each other...truly soulmates with a lot in common. After much prayer and soul-searching my DH and I asked them to be the guardians of our children. How much did we think of some non-relatives to put them in out will as guardians!?!!?

Well, *Bob* ended up having an affair and leaving *Sue* to deal with the mess. In the midst of all this we moved from MO to LA and Sue and I talked on the phone almost every night dealing with the mess which turned into quite a soap opera. She was determined to try to work things out and really doing things right. Then she flipped out and started traveling literally all over the world, spending money like it was nothing (i.e., Eddie Bauer leather living room furniture set on a *whim*), and started meeting guys on airplanes and traveling to meet them. She said she wasn't having sex and I don't think she was (separated, but still married so it would have been an affair), but she called me one night from Seattle about to go meet a man at his hotel for a rendezvous. I tried to talk her out of it and then she called me at 1:00 a.m. to tell me she wasn't going to do it. She started calling me at all weird hours and it was really wreaking havoc on my family. Long story a little shorter *eg*....I wrote her an email telling her how much I loved and valued her as a friend, but that as a friend I couldn't stand idly by and watch her ruin her life. We talked once since then and it didn't go well. SHe's very angry at me and I understand it. She wrote me a letter and basically said she still wanted to be friends, but she wants me to ask her to forgive me for telling her I thought she was screwing up her life. I will apologize for inadvertently hurting her, but not for what I said/wrote because I honestly felt led to do it. No one else was shooting straight with her. We no longer have anything else in common. She is single and living quite the high life from what I hear---spends 1/2 the year in Hawaii and the other 1/2 in MO. It makes me sad b/c she was such a dear friend, but we are two very different people now.

Sorry this was such a novel, but it did help me to write it out LOL. (((Eve))) It is hard to watch a friend spiral downward and feel so helpless, but she is an adult who makes her own choices and will hopefully snap out of it soon.