My youngest DD is having a birthday party on Saturday. Most of my family is coming since it is right after my oldest daughters dance recital (most of them are going to the recital, too.) Anyways, my youngest sister moved in with my mother and step-dad this past summer after she found out her live-in boyfriend was cheating on her. She started dating a guy probably in Sept. or Oct. My Dh and I met him once around Thanksgiving-let's say he made a pretty poor impression on us-he came in and told everyone he couldn't eat because he had been throwing up all night and that he had had the Hawaiin flu. Now there are three small children sitting in the room (two of them mine) and I was furious that someone who was still pretty sick would come over just so he could visit his girlfriend. He also brought his very large labrador with him who was not very well behaved. I own two lab mixes but this dog was growling and very rough.

So now to the present situation-my sister emails me two days ago and asks if she can bring her boyfriend to the party. Dh and I really have trouble letting go of our first impression but in addition we really didn't feel comfortable with him coming to my DD's birthday party. I mean it is a party for our DD and he doesn't even know her. I called my sister and told her this and that he was welcome to come another time if she wants him to get to know us. She actually already invited him assuming he was welcome so now she needs to tell him that he is not. Now my mother emails me about how upset my sister is. Arrrrrgggggghhhhh. What does everyone think?

By Cat on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 09:19 am:

I'd probably let her bring him. First impressions can be very deceiving, especially if he wasn't feeling well that time. I would also probably call your sis and tell her while he's welcome, the dog is NOT. They should both understand how upsetting it could be for your dogs to have a strange dog at their house. Give the guy another chance. That's just mho, of course.

By Sunny on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 09:26 am:

I understand both sides, but would probably extend the invitation to the boyfriend. If your sister has been dating this man for 7 or 8 months, chances are he is an important person in her life. I know how powerful first impressions are, but he could have been scared or intimidated meeting your family, and I'm sure his being sick didn't help either. I know if my sister had told me not to bring my boyfriend to a family function it would have caused hurt feelings and anger. On the other hand, it is your house and you have the final say on who you invite. If you're not comfortable with him attending the party or want to get to know him better first, you have to explain it to your sister and hope that she understands.

By Coopaveryben on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 09:53 am:

I agree with everyone else I would let him come but tell her not to let him bring the dog. You never know what is going to happen with them in the future and you don't want to isolate anyone who could possible become a permant fixture in your family.

By Emily7 on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 09:57 am:

I agree as well. Let her know the dog is not welcome.

By Missy3 on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 10:04 am:

I agree, you can not pick her boyfriends just deal with them. I would express to her that being parent and how impolite it is to go to someone else house while ill or just have been ill recently. And having sick children can ruin a entire week! You do not have to do this NOW, but I would soon.

I would insist NO dog for sure! That is just rude.

By Debbie on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 10:10 am:

I would let her bring him. Honestly, I doubt your dd will care, so why cause hurt feelings. I do agree with everyone though to make sure he knows the dog is not welcome.

By Momaroze on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 10:15 am:

Well, sorry guys I have to agree with Fraggle. For one thing this is your Dd's big day. You are going to be running around entertaining family etc....hardly the time to get to know someone. I would say give your sister's bf the benefit of doubt and have the two of them over another time. I have been in a similar situation and should have stuck to my word. Easier said than done! I'm sorry it is just not worth it if you both are not comfortable having him over...will your sister not come if he is not invited? I guess you have to weigh the pro's and the con's. If you choose to invite him over sounds like you have to be specific with him. No dog, for sure and he had better not have the flu! Good grief. Good luck!

By Texannie on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 10:31 am:

I would email back and say "I would love to get to know your boyfriend better, but dd's birthday just isn't the right occasion. How about we go out to dinner next Saturday night?"

By Ladypeacek on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 11:01 am:

I want to ask a question. Does this bf have kids? I know to us women and parents in general that dropping by when you are not up to par is a bad bad thing when kids are around BUT if he isn't used to kids he may not have even thought about it. Men are good at that, not thinking like a parent, especially when they aren't one! I would give him another chance for sure. And for the dog, maybe he thought it would be nice for the kids! Haven't you ever had a day when you just could take back some dumb things you did? As for inviting him, thats up to you but making you sister feel rejected and left out cuz you had one bad impression is not going to help later, How will his next impression be if he knows you don't want him around? You may find he is a very nice guy but starting off with negative can only bring negative.

By Mommyathome on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 11:06 am:

I would let him come, but nicely say "don't bring your dang dog"
I don't think your DD would really care one way or the other. As long as there are presents and cake, the more the merrier.
You never know, this could be your future BIL. I know I would feel bad if I were dating someone for 8 months and was told that I wasn't welcome to go with them to a childs birthday party. JMHO
BTW...happy birthday to your DD!

By Colette on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 12:46 pm:

I'd let him come but be adamant about the dog.

By Kay on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 01:10 pm:

As I've grown older, the more I've come to realize that life is indeed too short to overly worry about relationships that surround us. If you truly *want* your sister there, I believe he should be invited because in my family that would mean he would be a part of family celebrations. But then, my dh and I both come from close families.

Although many feel their pets are a part of the family, I would still say 'no' to inviting the dog.

By Vicki on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 01:29 pm:

I would invite him, but not the dog. I would be so appauled if someone invited me someplace but said I couldn't bring my husband (or child) I understand they are not married, but they have been dating long enough that they are a couple. You get one, you get the other.

By Amy~moderator on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 02:44 pm:

I agree with everyone. She IS your sister, and they ARE a couple. How old is your sister anyway?

But no dog! LOL

By Bobbie on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 12:01 am:

Agreed. I dated/lived with Rob for two years before we where married. And if someone would have not invited him to something I would have been upset and probably not gone myself. She is your sister and like him or not you can't pick who she chooses to be with so try to find some positives about him and don't make major issues out of minor problems.

And I agree about the flu thing. Many people do not think about the fact that kids will be somewhere. If they don't have them and aren't around them the don't understand.

By Jessicac1979 on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 08:31 am:

ok, i am in kind of the same boat too. my sisters boyfriend made a poor poor first impression! I strongly did not like him at all. and personly i still cannot stand him, my husband, my dad all dont really care for him at all. my mother has yet to meet him but what she has heard she isnt to fond of him either. i being almost in the same boat (dont really want him around family gatherings) would say if you dont feel right about having him come to the party then stick to your feeling. me i have talked to my sister about her man and she said he isnt mr. right he is mr. right now, in other words she is just dating for fun not to settle down yet...which is good i couldnt see this man being my brother in law, AHHHH just to add i have met him a few times not just once and i still dont care for him, LOL.

By Conni on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 09:27 am:

I'd probably focus on my daughter and not on my sis and who she brought to the party. Your dd will be focused on her friends, cake, party games, & GIFTS !! I doubt she even notices who her Aunt brings. But she *might* notice if her Aunt doesnt show up at all...

By Fraggle on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 10:09 am:

Ok, it looks like the majority thinks I should invite him, but I still think I've got to stay with my gut feeling. My youngest DD is very shy and takes about two hours just to warm up to her own grandfather. Since it is only family coming to this party (only 11 people total) she will notice someone new and I just was thinking that I didn't want her clinging to my leg the whole time instead of playing the party games she chose. I wasn't really basing my decision on his poor first impression (it just didn't help). Thanks for everyone's opinion.
-Meredith

By Texannie on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 10:28 am:

I would always trust your mommy instincts.