My DS Tom who is a senior this year was playing varsity baseball this season. Yesterday he told his coach he would not be able to play in lst nights game because he was going to Allentown for a concert. He follows the band Drop Kick Murphy's and I bought him tickets 2 months ago for this concert. The coach told him it was either the concert or baseball, if he wasn't going to play last night then he was done. I do not thing this is right. Miss one game for the season and you are done??? I was fuming so I went up to the school and talked to the athletic director. He will let me know today what is going on. I am still upset over this...am I right or wrong?
And the best thing is Tom wasn't even going to play baseball this year and the coach came to him and asked him to play because they needed a catcher. So he has lost time at work for practices and has given baseball his all so far this year.
Guess I am just rambling and maybe its a mom thing that I am so upset. But I just do not think this coach was fair. Tom has played varsity soccer for 4 years and has never ran into a problem like this. Guess all coaches are different and some are just plain jerks.
Thanks for letting me vent.

By Ladypeacek on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 07:39 am:

I don't think you are wrong! These are teenagers not prefessionals that have a job to do! Being his senior year coaches need to expect the players to have alot to do! As long as its not a constant thing to miss games then the coach has no right IMO. Kids need to do kids things and since yours in on the verge of no longer being one, he needs to cherish every moment he can doing fun things, he has the rest of his life for doing what everybody tells him to!

By Sue3 on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 07:39 am:

yes , the coach sounds strict ! I think he should give your son a break , you or Tom didn`t even
know he was going to be playing varsity
baseball 2 months ago when you bought the tickets.Plus the coach came to Tom wanting a
catcher.
Under the circumstances it wouldn`t be fair if
he didn`t let him play the rest of the season
for going to a concert.
It`s good that you talked to the athletic director.
No , I don`t think that you are wrong to be upset over this. Keep us posted.
I am curious to see what the coach will do.
We have some pretty strict coaches in our district also.

By Kolbysmom on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 07:45 am:

My high school was the same way! I was a cheerleader and if you came to school that day then there was no excuse for missing a game(unless it was an emergency). The only way we were able to do things like this(I did go to a couple of concerts on game nights) was to miss the second half of school. My mom would just right a note and said I missed for personal reasons.

By Kernkate on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 07:56 am:

Nikki, maybe thats what we should have done. But Tom was straight and honest. He has never missed a game or practice this season so we didn't think it was going to be a problem.
And Kenna I agree with every word you wrote.
Sue I am also curious to see what the coach will have to say. The thing that really gets me is there other players have missed more then 1 game and nothing was done.
We will see...I am just so upset, and I know Tom is but he won't say it.

By Texannie on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 08:26 am:

First off, is there a written policy? My son's school has a written policy regarding absences and playing. I agree with the coach. You are on a team, you make a commitment. If you had called the coach and tried to work something out before you bought the tickets, maybe it could have been worked out.

By Emily7 on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 09:01 am:

Sometimes to much importance is put on school athletics. I realize that it is important to a lot of people, but to me kids are put in school to learn reading, writing, history, & math. Sports are just extra that can sometimes get in the way of studying, my dh wouldn't agree. If he is made to chose between baseball & the concert will he end up resenting the coach as well as baseball itself? Which is more important to him?

By Ladypeacek on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 09:03 am:

Comsidering the amount of time they expect from players to practice and then games and homework, college applications or plans for after high school, proms, family time, ect...Thats alot for a teen. To expect that they never miss a game unless sick is too much to ask for. He didn't want to play at all and the coach bugged him too so the coach needs to appreciate that he is giving any time at all, policy or not! I don't think its breaking a commitment to miss one game.

By Kernkate on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 09:19 am:

There is no written policy for varsity sports, the athletic director told me yesterday the coaches make up the rules for there team...which I think that at the beginning of the season a written policy should be made by each coach. Not as you go along and for each game.
Tickets were bought for Tom's 18 b'day in February before we even knew he was going to play baseball.

By Melanie on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 09:31 am:

I agree with you, Kathy. The players definitely should have been given this policy in writing at the beginning of the season. Since it wasn't, I think the coach is going overboard. Keep us posted.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 09:47 am:

I agree absolutely, Kathy, that the coach was way out of line. (1) He asked your son to play, and your son has made major sacrifices for the team even though he had not originally intended to play. (2) The tickets were bought before he was even asked to play, let alone agreed. And, (3) with no written policies, how is a kid to know? - which, imo, is beside the point because of 1 and 2.

By Texannie on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 09:59 am:

When did your son tell the coach that he would be going to the concert?

By Kernkate on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 10:03 am:

Probably about 2 weeks ago and the coach said to remind him. So on Monday he told coach again. And yesterday as Tom was leaving school is when coach told him it was the concert or baseball. So Tom got his uniform out of his car and handed it to the coach.

By Insaneusmcwife on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 10:07 am:

I agree that the coach is being a little harsh but at the same time he has a job to do and if all the players on the team suddenly came to him and said I have tickets to a concert for tonight and I won't be playing in tonights game there would be no game. I hope I don't sound to harsh but the right thing to do would have been to tell the coach when the coach approached him about playing that he already had a commitment to go to the concert and if missing that one game was going to be a problem then he would rather not play at all. Would he tell his employer the day of the concert that he will not be working his shift that he is going to a concert instead???? I could understand if your son was sick but and gave last minutes notice about missing the game but you said yourself that the concert was known about 2 months in advance. Maybe I've been military too long...they have a saying that I have adopted "poor planning on your end doesn't constitute an emergency on ours". Again I apoligize if I sound snotty or too harsh its just my opinion.

By Texannie on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 10:15 am:

I have to say I agree with Kristie, it would have been so easy to tell the coach way back at the beginning of the season. It's unfortunate that this has all turned out so badly. I hope it works out with the athletic director.

By Insaneusmcwife on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 10:15 am:

I so much apoligize I missed the last two posts, I didn't realize that he did notify the coach....if that is the case then the coach should be a little more leinient sp? but I still think he should have told the coach in the beginning.

By Kernkate on Thursday, April 29, 2004 - 10:37 am:

I honestly don't think Tom even thought of it at the start of baseball. Tom is very responsible and dedicated to everything he does. Tom did attend every practice and game since the beginning and with only 6 games it just seems a shame...he was top hitter on the team, so maybe thats the reason coach was upset.
I guess I will see what happens and what both the coach and Tom decide.
And I was just sitting here thinking with only 30 days till graduation I guess its no time to get all upset.
Thanks all of you for the post.
You are all the best when I need to vent.

By Insaneusmcwife on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 10:29 am:

Any updates?

By Kernkate on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 04:11 pm:

Called the director yesterday left a message on his voicemail...emailed him last night and as of now heard nothing.
I am waiting to see what happens today...there is a game and 2 of the senior players are gone on a physics trip to 6 flags in New Jersey. Wonder if they will get booted for not being at the game??
Whats fair for one is fair for all.
Nothing at all was said to Tom in school. I figured the athletic director would have talked to him in school.

By Texannie on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 05:33 pm:

Of course, we have a written policy, but if you are out on a school activity, you have an excused absence. I hope it gets all worked out with your son.

By Kernkate on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 05:37 pm:

Annie, that's what I figured with the trip today.
Tom said not to go crazy over it, he just isn't going to play. But as a mom I feel bad for him

By Texannie on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 09:11 pm:

It's so hard, isn't it?

By Kernkate on Saturday, May 1, 2004 - 10:43 am:

Well the athletic director called me last night and he had talked to the coach. The coach stated he was upset with Tom not playing because he needs him...understandable. But he should have gone around it and explained that to Tom. Now the director has to meet with the principal on Monday and he is going to call me back. He said the coach wants Tom to return, as of this morning Tom says he is not playing...CRAZY!!!
At least I did get a return phone call.

By Texannie on Saturday, May 1, 2004 - 10:53 am:

What a mess! That's great that the director called.

By Mommyduncan on Saturday, May 1, 2004 - 10:57 am:

I think that athletics is a wonderful way for teens to learn about responsibility. I have always taught my kids that when they play on a team, that that whole team relys on each other and you don't let your team down. If the coach reacted like that, then to me is sounds like the team needed him to be at the game.

The extracuricular activities that students do in high school, I believe are an excellent way to teach them about how life is going to be when they are adults. They have to learn how to manage academics, homelife, and then anything extra they want to do, just like we as adults do. I have always taught my kids that when you start something and make a commitment to it, you follow it through, I think it's sad that so many parents let their kids start sports or something and then let them quit because it becomes too much for them to handle. I believe those parents are teaching them that when they become adults it will be okay to do the same thing.

JMHO

By Irene on Saturday, May 1, 2004 - 01:27 pm:

The lessons we teach our kids when they become teenagers become much more complicated than when they are young. Kathy said her son has played varsity soccer for 4 years, which means he thoroughly understands the concept of commitment. It probably means years and years of 1-2 practices a week when he was young, and showing up for games on weekends etc (and possibly club soccer in the off season) when he'd rather go to a birthday party or something, so I don't think this is about him needing to learn how not to be a flake. Kathy said he never missed a practice or a game for baseball. That's after (I'm guessing) spending pre-season working out for soccer, then the soccer season, now baseball. That's a lot of commitment. This on top of school, and who knows what else. Our highschool requires that the kids do 40 hours of volunteer work to graduate, too. Kids these days, in my opinion, work incredibly hard during school and after school (not all of them, but many of the ones I know). So now the question is, after years of learning how to show up for stuff, I think it's time to learn that it's not ALWAYS about giving up everything. If he loves this band, he got tickets for his birthday months before, he tells the coach a few weeks early, the coach says to remind him later, then when he reminds him, out of the blue the coach says no, then I personally don't see that making him miss the concert will teach him anything valuable that he doesn't already know. I'm not sure I got the details right, but I have nieces and nephews who are in sports, band, etc etc (these kids are incredibly busy), and I'm sure if one time they wanted to miss something to go a concert they love, my sisters would let them. That's just my two cents (or four or six).

By Irene on Saturday, May 1, 2004 - 03:38 pm:

Oh, man. I should just never post anything. I just talked to my bil and sister, and my bil strongly disagreed with me (he was a college football player, and their son plays basketball in college). He thought the coach was right. My sister said the decision should be up to your son, if he's willing to not play baseball in order to go to the concert, it's his choice. I realize I know nothing. I guess it doesn't matter in your case, since the choices have already been made, but this is a VERY interesting and complicated topic for parents to think about.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, May 1, 2004 - 03:51 pm:

Irene, first, I agree with your post, and I agree with Kernkate. I do not think the coach was right. The boy told him well in advance that these tickets had been purchased LONG BEFORE the coach sought him out and asked him to play this year. Instead of immediately responding when he was told in advance, the coach just said to remind him later, which Kate's son did. It seems to me Kate's son did everything right: he agreed to play because the coach asked him, even though he hadn't intended to try out for the team this year; he gold the coach well in advance of the tickets (which, remember, had been purchased before the coach asked him to play this year) and reminded the coach just as the coach asked him to.

If the purpose of highschool athletics is to teach young people how to be part of a team, and fairness and how to follow the rules - seems to me that Kate's son already knows this and followed the rules. The coach, on the other hand, wasn't fair and didn't even stick to his own word after he told the boy to remind him later.

I don't know who told you that you "know nothing", but I thought your post was thoughtful, well phrased, and very good. As for your brother-in-law, my message to him would be - look, it's supposed to be a game - only a game!

Personally, I think highschools and colleges have allowed competitive, high attention games like football, basketball and baseball to become entirely too important, to the point that they interfere with academics and with the rest of the kids' lives. The number of scandals that surface every year around college football and basketball are appalling - academic scandals, low graduation rates, improper and illegal financial and other material gifts to lure athletes to specific schools - not to mention the "private" lives of some of the athletes which have become all too public and which often involve assaults on young women, other assaults, drug use and sometimes even theft.

From where I sit, it looks to me like college football and basketball programs have become the training camps and minor leagues for the professional teams, and the schools have succumbed to the big money involved - with the athletes all too often paying the price. And, of course, the amount of gambling - usually illegal - that goes on around college football and basketball is appalling. (In my not humble opinion)

By Amecmom on Saturday, May 1, 2004 - 04:37 pm:

I absolutely agree. Your son did the responsible thing. It's sad that coaches, teachers, managers ... seem to get angriest at the people they should be thanking for doing such a good job and being so reliable.

I don't blame your son for not wanting to play for this coach anymore. You have to respect your coach and you have to feel like your coach respects you. I think your son has figured out that this guy is not worth his respect and has realized that to this coach, he (your son) means nothing more than winning a game.

I feel this guy is way out of line and needs to be told so by the powers that be. Please don't force your son to play for this man again. Let it be his choice.
Ame

By Kernkate on Sunday, May 2, 2004 - 12:09 am:

Irene, nothing wrong with your post at all. There are many ways to view this situation.
Ginny I like your post and how true it all is. Tom has played sports for 13 years now, and I have never run into this problem before. I guess probably because he has always been at every practice and game.
I would love to see Tom finish out this baseball season, but its his choice and he says no. He is VERY hurt by the way things were handled as I have to respect his feelings.

By Missy3 on Tuesday, May 4, 2004 - 03:45 pm:

As I reflect back on my HS years, being in a sport every season for 4 years as well as activities, there were exceptions, but sports always won. It is the whole "part of a team" thing. But, there should be some sort of form to fill out for request off for dire emergencies, not saying a concert is a dire emergency. But, Tom made his choice and he has to live with it which is a part of life. He may learn that notices should be in writing, even though the "adult" in the situation told him to remind him later. We all know teachers, coacher, bosses don't know it all and always always CYA!

Now you have 2 stubborn men butting heads. Remember when the principle meant everything? Tom has to ask himself(and will many many many times in his life) does he want to play baseball or does he want to be right? This is a major turning point in his life. If for example Tom was married and he was fighting with his wife about something--do you want him to be right or work it out and be happy. Compromise!

Good Luck