If you and your spouse constantly fight well over half the time, is it better to stop being a family? I know my children can feel the tension between us. I love him, but I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like he puts us first anymore. We have grown so far apart. He can know that we will not have enough money for bills, but will make sure he has pop & money for work that week. He has lied to me about not smoking, even though I could smell it all over him.
When we have a day that we don't fight it is wonderful. I know he loves the kids, without a doubt I know that. I just don't know if he loves me. He says he does, but doesn't touch me anymore.
We have been married for almost 8 years & for the last 4 have been fighting. I want to make it work, I have asked him to go to therapy, but he refuses. He doesn't see a problem.

By Mommyathome on Friday, April 23, 2004 - 02:24 pm:

Have you had a heart to heart with him? That always seems to open my DH's eyes. Sometimes men see life with tunnel vision. If he doesn't see a problem, then I'm thinking that maybe he needs it explained to him.
Maybe get a sitter for the night and go somewhere nice and quiet, just the two of you. Be very open and honest. Agree at the beginning of the discussion that this will just be a time to vent out feelings. There won't be any major decisions made during this time.....it's just to get everything out in the open. This way, you'll know where each other stands.
Then, later on (maybe a few days, maybe a week, or two) after things have settled in, then maybe you could each come to the table with some suggestions on how to make things different/better.
I would start with this, and see where it gets you and then go from there.
((((hugs))))

By Ladypeacek on Friday, April 23, 2004 - 02:32 pm:

i agree with Robin completely. I don't think fighting is a reason for divorce because we all come to that at some point when you are married for years! Try to remember the things you loved about him in the beginning and if he doesn't so those things anymore ask him to. Goin to a nice restraunt alaone and talk, that will keep you from fighting and you can talk! Men really don't see anything wrong even when you are fighting, please give it some more time!

By Anonymous on Friday, April 23, 2004 - 06:31 pm:

Thank you for your advice, I will take it happily.

By Bobbie on Friday, April 23, 2004 - 10:39 pm:

I agree, sounds like it is time for a talk. Sounds like it might be a rut. All couples have down times. We get use to each other and take things for granted. Even if he won't go to counsiling maybe you should...... I know that in some cases I have been overly upset about little things and with time blew them up into big things and picked apart everything else in my life. Basically if I am unhappy I can make even the best of situations He** on earth. It has taken a lot of years for me to discover that I am ultimatly the only one accountable for my own happiness. And that making minor issues with my DH into major issue isn't helping either of us and it surely isn't helping out in our marriage. Big hugs to you.......... But remember marriage is give and take.... Got to be willing to give a little on both ends......

By Mommyathome on Friday, April 23, 2004 - 11:24 pm:

LOL Bobbie, I am the same way. "If I ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". Sometimes it's hard to step back and try to make changes in yourself.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, April 24, 2004 - 09:57 am:

Which is better? Better for whom? Better in what way?

I think you've already done a lot of talking - whether it has been "heart to heart" or arguing, either way you've exchanged a lot of words to no good effect. I suggest that one or both of you are not fighting "fair" (yes, there is a way to fight fair, but that's another post), and neither of you is really hearing what the other person is saying - and maybe neither of you is saying what you really mean.

I hear your unhappiness with the status quo, and I'm going to suggest what I always suggest. If your husband won't agree to joint counseling, then you should go for counseling. Why? Because with a good counselor you will begin to understand what you are feeling and why (what triggers certain reactions/feelings), what you really, really want, and where you are willing to compromise for which goals.

I strongly believe that we each have the answers to our important issues in ourselves but we often don't know what questions to ask. A good counselor will ask the right questions and help you discover your own answers.

I believe that if you get yourself involved in counseling you will be better able to answer your own question: Which is better?