So heres the background:

DH's dad has always been an outgoing, flirty man. That has rubbed off onto DH but not quite as bad. When DH and I got married (and up until the beginning of this year) he is always trying to pawn him off on cute young women when they spend *quality time* together. He feels bad that his poor DS didn't get to test the waters (i.e. sleep around) before getting married and that is just horrible that he cant now. He would say things like "Look at my son, isn't he a handsome man? Come talk to him..." or "Hey, my son wants your number." Stupid things like that. And DH NEVER gives him a reason to even think those things. He does the same thing to his 17 yr. old son so I guess he thinks its okay.

Well DH never quite realized it as much as I did b/c he's grown up with his Dad being this way. Once I pointed it out to him he realized how bad it looked and told FIL to stop. And he has.

Thats only one problem.

Since Kaitlyn has been born FIL has never really payed attention to her. It was to the point where he wouldn't even say "Hi" or "Bye" to her when we were over visiting. No acknowledgement what so ever. And this is his ONLY blood grandchild. Once again, DH talked to him and things are just mediocre now.
On the other hand, FILs wife (i think this is number 5 or 6 by now) has 2 grandchildren, one 3 weeks older than Kaitlyn, both boys. He is ALWAYS playing with them, offering to babysit etc... MIL isnt the greatest either. She left a very rich man after his leaving her after a 22 year marriage b/c he realized he was gay. She constantly tells FIL "I dont know why I ever chose you over money." But still he treats MIL and her family like they are God and his blood family and others (i.e.- me) like crap.

Doesnt call to say hi to DH more than every few months or so. NEVER asks about Kaitlyn or me but I dont mind about that. I've never liked the man.

Anyways, with Kaitlyn birthday coming up, i'm feeling stressed. Were not on talking terms right now since they finally realize how I despise all of them but DH wants them to go. We also want his Grandparents (from his real mom, she passed away when he was 10) to go but they cant stand FIL either b/c he was very abusive towards DHs Mom through their whole marriage. We want to keep the grandparents in the picture so Kaitlyn is raised with all her blood relatives and she realized that real Grandma is in Heaven.

I just dont know what to do. I could never ask DH to not invite his Dad and family but I know deep down inside they really dont care. While on the other side I have the Grandparents who adore Kaitlyn and really want to go. I just know if both parties went they would be immature and say bad things.

This is probably confusing so if I didnt clarify anything tell me. I just need advice and really felt like I needed a good vent.

Thanks for Listening!!!!!!!!

By Coopaveryben on Friday, April 2, 2004 - 03:23 pm:

What about asking the FIL over to the house for cake and Ice cream. Then for her "real Party" you can invite the loving grandparents?

By Yjja123 on Friday, April 2, 2004 - 03:30 pm:

There are some things that I have recently come to terms with (involving inlaws) and some advice on this board has helped me deal in particular with my sister in law.
But...the "aha moment" came when I was telling my best friend about yet another horrible experience with my inlaws and my children. My friend asked me why I continue to put myself out there for people who will likely never change. I said because I want my children to have grandparents. She said--BUT AT WHAT EXPENSE?
It was a great question. I mean really, why continue to try with people who do not try back? It was hurting my children and they are better off not having negative people in their lives. Would I like them to have great relatives? Of course. But since they don't we surround ourselves with adopted relatives (such as my best friend whom my children call Aunt)

By Ladypeacek on Friday, April 2, 2004 - 03:38 pm:

I agree with yjja123... don't allow your dd to be around someone that may make her feel bad. Kids are very perceptive and know when they are being ignored. Thats when and why some have problems with self esteem later in life. If you are not comfortable with it then tell your dh so. If he insists i would not tell them they are invited but ASK them if they WANT to come or not. Make it clear that its their decision, maybe they won't or they will have an excuse. If they come and start acting ugly or ignoring your dd then i would tell them they can go if they want to. This way you are being polite but letting them know that you have noticed they don't want to be there. Also, have you tried to just be blunt and ask them what the problem is?

By Texannie on Friday, April 2, 2004 - 05:46 pm:

I agree with Coop. Try to invite fil over for an early celebration and invite whomever you choose to the party.
It's hard. If your husband wants to have a relationship with his dad, you don't want to come between that.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, April 2, 2004 - 09:25 pm:

I agree with Yvonne. You do have to talk to your dh about this, but on the whole, why bother with people who are nothing but a bother?

By Yjja123 on Friday, April 2, 2004 - 10:20 pm:

Allowing your husband to have a relationship with his dad and allowing the Grandfather to hurt your child are really two separate things. You can easily allow your husband to spend time with his father without involving yourself or your child.
I can sympathize--really I can. I could write a book about my inlaws. It just reaches a point where if these people have a negative impact on your daughter your main priority is protecting her.
Whatever you decide--Good Luck! My prayers are with you!
Yvonne

By Babysitbarb on Monday, April 5, 2004 - 09:30 am:

I agree with everyone else about if the FIL doesn't want to be a part of your lives and all the joy of it then don't fret about it. Believe me this letter you wrote is my life with my MIL and lots more. My FIL died almost 3 years ago and she has gone from bad to worse. She has nothing to do with either of my us any more and that's just fine with us. Theres just many years of stuff that has gone on and it would be a novel if I tried to explain it all. She has never liked me because I have stood my ground with her from day one and so then she takes it out on my DD's by having absolutly nothing to do with them.My DH ignored it for many years but, he finally woke up to it and has nothing to do with her either. This all came about when his dad was very sick before he passed away from cancer and how she treated the FIL and my DH was very close to him and hedidn't like the way she treated him in the end.My youngest DH went to her house just yesterday with the SIL and the DD said Grandma never said one word to her. My DD's are old enough now to realize how she is and they don't want any thing to do with her either. Kepp your chin up and do what you think is best!

By Boxzgrl on Monday, April 5, 2004 - 12:34 pm:

Thanks for all the advice. My FIL is the type who really doesnt want to go but will throw a fit if hes not invited to the 'big' gathering. I dont think a seperate party would work. I'm just gonna give it a few more weeks and hopefully by time invitations are sent out it will get better or I will have some sort of plan.

Boy do I miss my old MIL (passed away 3 years ago). FIL was very different with her. This new MIL makes him so different, in a bad way.

By Marg on Monday, April 5, 2004 - 12:41 pm:

Your situation sounds like my dad with his girlfriend (soon to be wife), yes it's for the worse all the way around including the grandchildren's sake.

By Dawnk777 on Monday, April 5, 2004 - 09:53 pm:

That's so sad. My in-laws are both gone now and I like my SILs and BILs. Well, one BIL has issues, but I don't have to interact with him that much. I love his wife, (DH's sister), though.