Frazzled (long)

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As most of you know my DSS passed away in December. It has been very hard on all of us especially DH and our 9 year old Brett.
DH keeps on saying he wants to go for counseling but keeps putting it off. He has been so down and so miserable lately. I am trying so hard to be patient with him, but its beginning to really stress me out. Its so hard to see him like this. Its just such a strain on everyone. He talks about it, and cries. The one hard thing that I know is bothering him is that when Josh passed away he was suppose to be buried with Daves my DH's mom and dad and at the last minute the ex-wife decided not to bury him instead have him cremated which Dave aggreed to. Thinking he would be cremated and then buried with his grandparent. Well things changed when she received the ashes back and ex decided she wasn't sure what she wanted done. So the urn with the ashes are at the ex's house. Dave feels like there is no closure on this until Josh is buried, and Dave has a place to go and mourn. So I think that is really working on Dave now. And we are still waiting for the autopsy to get back.So I know that is also on his mind. Its just a hard thing.
DS Brett was having some problems dealing with it, at 9 he isn't really sure what to do. He is going to counseling at our Tri County mental health facility and seems to be doing better. Its so hard to see a little one dealing with such a hard thing.
I am trying to be the strong one for everyone and its stressing me right out. But I know I have to be there for everyone and I am going to stay strong. My son Tom who is 18 and I know is having some issues with all of it also is always there for me, and I think he is keeping me going thru all of this. DD who is 3 isn't old enough to really understand. Thank God.
Ok I guess I have vented long enough and for anyone who took the time to read this I thank you..Guess its just starting out to be a bad morning.

By Texannie on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 08:50 am:

You don't have to be strong. You have every right to greive as much as the rest of them. It's ok to tell you dh you are sad too, same with your kids. There is no right or wrong way to get through this. There is also no timeline for when you will. Sometimes counseling helps, sometimes it doesn't. When my mom died, I just couldn't do it right away. My brother in law was killed in a car accident and my inlaws greived very differently from one another and it really damaged their marriage because neither thought the other was handling it right.
Take care.

By Sue3 on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 08:54 am:

((((Kathy)))) vent away.I`ll say a prayer for you and your family. I hope your Dh can get some closure soon, that must be very hard.
Is there any way that you and Dh can get away ?Perhaps for a long weekend alone together.

By Kernkate on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 09:06 am:

Thanks Annie, That is one thing I do not want this to affect is our marriage. I can't see it happening...but who knows. Sue, DH and I were just discussing about doing something for a weekend. We are thinking one weekend in March to take a 3 day getaway to Atlantic City. We will see if he is feeling up to it in a few weeks. But then I worry about leaving Brett and Alissa...never a dull moment.

By Dana on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 09:19 am:

Many hugs, Kathy. Can you go ahead and find a support group and the meeting time? Then just tell DH you are going on X night. Tell him he won't need to do the driving or anything else. He can just sit and do nothing during the meeting. You will sit with him and be there for him. Just make that first step. Maybe he just needs that little push. He has already told you he wants to take that step. Set it up, and help him by doing it for him. I imagine it would be very scary to make such a step on your own.

By Karen~moderator on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 09:45 am:

((((((((KATHY))))))) All great responses above. I don't think I can add anything to them.

By Bobbie on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 09:21 pm:

Kathy, what about you deciding to go to the support group. Telling him you will be attending the group and if and when he is ready you would like for him to join you. It might be a good idea to ask your oldest to go with you. Maybe you can find a support group for surviving families. But don't push DH to go just tell him you will be attending and you would like for him to come along when and if he is ready. And since chances are his EX will hold on to the ashes. What about finding a special place that DH could go to connect with his son. We have a beautiful river not to far from our house. There are huge boulders on the banks. One day DH said Mike (his brother who passed away 8 years ago in July) would love this place. That is now Mikes place. If DH needs a lone time or needs to disconnect from things we take trips to Mikes place. We go there and picnic and we go there to fish. It is a good place a safe place. DH's brother died from aids contracted through a blood transfusion. It was the hardest five years of my DH's life watching his vital big brother wither away to skin and bones and eventually let the last breath exit his body. Because of the way he was taken and all the time he suffered DH held a lot of pain and guilt. But he goes to this place and talks to Mike, to slow down and try to get things right with himself. I know it isn't the same as a burial. But Mikes Ex took his ashes and left state. She was to have him buried and decided she wasn't ready. So we decided that what was in that jar wasn't Mike. It was ashes of his body not his spirit. His spirit is in the rushing water, the flying birds, the breeze that brushes our cheeks. You might not have that river. But you might have a park or better yet what about a memorial in your own yard. A plague, a statue, a tree, a bench. Any where that your DH (and your children) can go to connect with his (their) thoughts and his child.
He needs to find away to make closure. And his closure will come in it's own time. It can't be rushed. You all have suffered a great loss it is going to take time... But look into a family support group. Find people that you can connect with people that feel your loss and understand the pain. And at this point I am sure your DH is feeling a loss of "power"/"strength" men have a hard time dealing when things are out of their control and they have a hard time getting back on their feet after a huge blow like this. They have a tendency to turn pain into fear (we all do but men so much more) We are taught as women to be all things to our families and men are taught to support and protect us and their children. I am sure in his eyes he failed his child. He will have to come to terms with this in his own time. But start taking steps to get help. A support group, a family counselor and you go. You invite your husband to go but don't push him. You can air this stuff with which ever one you choose to turn to and they can give you insight into ways to help your DH until he is strong enough to start attending with you. Basically if you are educating yourself on the grieving process and ways to encourage the person to heal then you will be more in control and a better support to your DH, Your children and ultimately yourself.. Big huge warm fuzzy hugs..... And vent here anytime hun because I for one know you need a place to unload and dumping it on him may not be the right thing to do at this point.

By Bobbie on Friday, February 27, 2004 - 09:38 pm:

And another thing. DH needs to find away to take control back over his life. Something he can do that he can do well. Some people that are grieving will take up running (and then compete in honor of the loss person) others will take up volunteering (one woman I saw on TV takes her sons dog around to nursing homes and children's hospitals so that she can share the love of the dog with people in need of all the love they can get, another man I personally know is a big brother to a couple of children that are growing up with out a father), my grandfathers friend started making wooden pictures in his wood working shop each one he makes he puts a special mark in the back of it in honor of his wife and he sells them for a small amount of money so people can enjoy the beauty of his work, a friend of my mothers daughter died of cancer and she volunteers through hospice, my cousin had kidney failure and got her second chance at life when she thought all hope was lost she volunteers for the "special Olympics" and "make a wish" in honor of the donor and the donors family that saved her fleeting life and any chance she gets she is at fund raisers and tributes to the families of donors. These people are way down the road in their grief but I know for a fact that taking back control helped a lot of them cope. It occupied their minds and it all is in honor of the loved ones lost. It helped them regain their strength and gave them focus... This isn't something he needs to do right now but it is something he is going to need to do. Even if it is just planting a garden/flower bed or cleaning out the garage building a swing set or a club house. Whatever makes your DH click. Something he can put his mind to and succeed at doing, taking back that control....

By Melissa on Saturday, February 28, 2004 - 06:16 am:

Would your dh get going with the counseling if you set if up? That first call to a counselor is hard to make. I know with my dh if I really want him to go to the Dr. If I say why don't I make that appt. for you? Then he will go but if it is left to him it will get put off.

By Kernkate on Saturday, February 28, 2004 - 07:52 am:

{{{Bobbie}}} Thanks for some really great advice. And taking the time to put in all on here. It means so much. First thing Monday morning I am going to start working on a support plan for all of us. "What about finding a special place that DH could go to connect with his son", this sounds like a great idea. One I never thought of. Josh loved to fish so maybe he could go to where Josh and my son use to fish up here...That a great idea..
It means so much at this time to be able to talk here. As you said I can not dump to much on Daves lap right now. I have family and friends I talk to. But I just love to sit here at my computer and talk to all you guys. Everyone here always has such great advice and kind hearts.
Thanks to all of you

By Kernkate on Saturday, February 28, 2004 - 08:14 am:

I just posted Josh's graduation picture we just got back on the photo sharing board. DH was so happy yesterday to see these pictures. And we are so lucky he had them taken. This is the most recent pic we have had a Josh in a few years.

By Trisa on Saturday, February 28, 2004 - 08:45 am:

You are in my prayers. So sorry
this happened to you and your family.
Please never feel like you are bugging us.
Sometimes it helps to talk or just vent.
This place is like family and we are all here for each other.

By Marg on Saturday, February 28, 2004 - 09:01 am:

I would've posted earlier Kath, but I have no advice. I feel like your dh sometimes, stuck in the middle of nowhere.

I'm so sorry to hear about what his ex has done. That would be truly heartbreaking to me. The process needs to completed so your dh can finish the process or closure.

(((Kath))) I'm praying for you and your family.

It's been almost 2 years and I still have my very bad days. Bobbie is right, have your dh "find a place", mine is just stepping outside especially in the spring and summer, mom was always outside every chance she could get, she loved to garden. I have taken this up just to "keep in touch" with mom. You're bringing tears to my eyes Bobbie...

My prayers are with you and your family Kath, I know how difficult it is. My prayers are also with you Bobbie.

By Texannie on Saturday, February 28, 2004 - 09:01 am:

A friend of mine's dad died and he didn't want a funeral or anything..he donated his body to science. It was really tough for my friend and her kids. They found a special spot, planted a rose bush and did their ceremony. It helped them tremendously.

By Bobbie on Saturday, February 28, 2004 - 11:47 am:

It is very important to find closure and control... And sadly it isn't always something easy to find. It takes time and it takes a resolve that you are going to get past this. Often it takes looking through the eyes of the loved one or even looking at the loved ones that still live on and knowing you wouldn't want them to put them self through what you are going through if it was you that had passed on. None of our love ones that pass on would want us to suffer, so we have to try to refind the joys in life. We have to find focus and a purpose... And we have to let ourselves heal with out guilt for doing so... Kathy, empathy is the key to dealing with your DH. Try not to let any of this bog you down to the point you start to resent DH. Just don't give up on him or the both of you. You push forward. Get help for yourself and lead him by example... He might take time but he will come around.... Invite him to join you but don't push.. And let him grieve and grieve with him... His whole future has changed and he is going to have to come to terms with it all and find acceptance... and vent any time. Sometimes we gets so over loaded that just talking things through brings a new light to everything... Kind of like being backed into a dark corner we can't see any other way out and we don't realize that thing that is poking us in the back is the door knob to the light...