I have a few people that I would like to just weed out of my garden of friends. I have started to do that...

I have one really good friend, and we have nothing in common anymore. She is making some bad choices in her life that I don't agree with. I have just slowly started to talk with her less and less. I have a few others that are always negative and I feel like I am always drained after dealing with them. So, this year, I want to only be around positive people. I also only want to deal with people who give back in return the effort I put into the relationship.

Just curious if you have some negative people in your life that you would like to weed out?

By Jjandmom on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 02:40 pm:

Eve yes I do have some negative people and they get online and click into me on the messengers and now I tell them turn to someone else they only want me when they need something. I don't look up to them for anything but they seemed to look for me. I said find someone else to be there taxi because I am done. I would give a helping hand to anyone but these people seem to want to take advantage of me and I just ended that.

By Colette on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 02:41 pm:

I did my weeding a few years ago. I have had 2 very close friends, that continued to make bad choices in their life, I mean really, really bad choices. They didn't want advice, but continually drained me emotionally with their day to day problems and life choices. I decided I could not help these people, they don't want to be helped, but I needed to slowly let them go from my life. I am very glad I did the weeding.

By Debbie on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 02:52 pm:

Eve, I ended a friendship last year that was negative and draining. It got to the point that this person always had such big "issues" in her life. She never asked or was concerned about how I was. It was very much all about her. I realized that the relationship was very one sided, I was doing all the giving and she was taking, taking, taking. She was also very negative and always had such big problems. This went on for about a year and I realized I wasn't getting anything out of the friendship anymore. Then she really took advantage of our friendship one day and I called her on it. She just didn't get it, so I slowly started to fade away. She did confront me when I did this. In fact, it got pretty ugly on her part. She acussed me of being selfish, petty and a terrible friend. I could go on and on, but I'll spare you the details. I was so angry because she didn't have the nerve to tell me to my face, it was all done through email. I finally was pretty honest with her in the nicest way possible. I just explained that our relationship wasn't working for me anymore. I was so glad when it finally ended. Her response to my pulling back really made me realize I had made the right decision in ending things.

By Yjja123 on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 03:42 pm:

I wish I could weed out R E L A T I V E S
or rather to be more specific Inlaws!

By Colette on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 03:57 pm:

I weeded out relatives too. Not my inlaws though. Quite a few relatives, most of my mother's whole side, life is to short to be around people who consistantly make you unhappy.

By Janet on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 04:52 pm:

This is really tough for me, because even though I have some friends I'd probably be better off without, I find it extremely hard to drop people. My brother always says I'm "loyal to a fault!" I'm the one who will send Christmas cards for years after I've stopped getting them! LOL But, right now I'm concerned about one friend in particular, and I don't really know how to weed her out. I probably won't. But, like Debbie's friend, she always has the big issues in her life--everything's a crisis--and never really wanting to know about my life. We talk on a daily basis, but I always end up tired and upset. Bad signs, I know.

By Kaye on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 05:09 pm:

Janet I am more like you. If I do eventually drop someone, I almost always end up calling them later, just to check on them. I keep friends forever to a fault is right. i also know that I can be negative. What i do now is I pretty much call it as I see it. I will tell my good friends you know what, boy are you down today. Is that working for you? i can't really help you and I know that you don't really want help, so lets just not talk about it, okay. They are my friends for a reason, so sometimes we just have to get through the stuff. I have to say that I have mixed feelings if I were going to be dropped if I would want a reason, or if I would just want to be avoided.

By Bellajoe on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 05:17 pm:

ohh yes. I have had a friend since middle school (5th grade) that i was really good friends with till recently. There were about 5 of us in this group of friends, her and i were real close. Went to the same college and shared a dorm room, were in each others weddings, etc. Since she met the guy she married, she has chenged for the worse. She's just not fun to be with anymore, very negative, and a tad too opinionated. When she got engaged she TOLD the bridesmaids that we were going to be in her wedding. There is one girl that she didn't even tell! They were just talking aobut picking out bridesmaid dresses one day and the girl said "Melanie, you didnt ask me to be in your wedding!"
Also, we were planning a bachelorette party for her and she ended up saying she didn't want one at all. We were bummed. We knew she didn't want anything crazy, so we were just going to go out to dinner and then back to someones house. We find out when she got back from the honeymoon that she is 4 months pregnant, and that is why she didn't want a bachelorette party, i guess she thought we would make her drink....which we wouldn't. If she didn't want to drink, fine not a problem. She already has a 5 year old from a previous "relationship" i use that term very loosely. She got married in September and to this day has not talked to 2 of her bridemaids, she never told them she was pregnant either. That urks us too, they could have waited a few months to get married before they got pregnant. That just bothers me. Especially since after she had her son she said that NEVER EVER AGAIN would she have another child!

She only calls us now when she needs something. I told her she can use our crib, we won't be needing it anytime soon. This was before Thanksgiving. Didn't hear from her till after Christmas. She called and asked about how was our Christmas, but it ended up the real reason for the call was to see if they could still have the crib. There is alot more to the relationship than what i wrote. Sorry, i kind of went off on a tangent. I guess i had to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening to my vent! WHEW!

By Melanie on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 07:12 pm:

LOL Eve, I am so proud of you!! ;)

By Karen~moderator on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 07:22 pm:

I finally figured out a few years ago that it was *OKAY* for me to do that! LOL I've done it with relatives too.....and I refuse to buy into, or play anyone's co-dependent or passive/agressive games, family or friend, makes no difference. It's all about setting limits and making YOUR life work for YOU. It doesn't mean you are a cold, unfeeling person, it just means that you have eliminated toxic people or relationships from your own life. I'm much happier now. I suspect you will be too!

By Carolk on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 08:58 pm:

Colette, was one of your relatives your mom? How would you go about telling your mom to back off with the negative talk? I've tried to be nice about it, but she insists that she isn't negative. The funniest thing she said, was that she wasn't negative, just sometimes a pessimist. Isn't that sort of the same thing? Anyway, if I'm too direct with her, she gets all weepy and starts to cry, I think she wants to get sympathy. For now I've just learned to tune her out when she starts in with all of her negativity. She's one of those people who think the whole world is out to get her. My husband especially can't stand it when she says " I know, I'm so stupid" he generally hates it when anyone says it and it's bothering me too. Anyway, sorry about the rant. I couldn't help it. I saw the topic and thought "Boy do I"!!

By Mommyathome on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 09:04 pm:

I do have some people that need to weeded, and I have attempted to work on that. It's hard, and I feel guilty. It's not something you can just put bluntly....."yeah, by the way....you're being *weeded*, bye bye". It's a slow process for me.
Good luck to you. I think it's a good idea.
I have some relatives that need to be weeded, unfortunately that is impossible.

By Bobbie on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 09:33 pm:

Boy do I feel your pain.. I would laugh but it isn't funny. I typed a whole book about how sucky the people are in my life but I decided I would skip that (have been having it pretty rough lately and no one cares to listen so I am a bit down about "friends" right now). So I will just say more power to you weed away... I wish I could but then I wouldn't talk to anyone but Rob and that isn't a joke.

By Truestori on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 10:19 pm:

Eve,
I just had this conversation with my husband today!! too funny... Eliminate the negativity and enjoy your life..

By Eve on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 10:38 pm:

Karen, toxic is a perfect word to use! Thanks for saying that!

I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. I can't believe how many people have someone in their life who is negative. It's just amazing. It's good to know that you all have done some weeding too!

I do have a few relatives that I need to distance myself from too. I get way too caught up in what they say. That one is a slower process, but I'm working on that one too.

Melanie, thanks for the reinforcement. I know we've had this conversation. I'm working on it! Nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks for posting, ladies!

By Newbabysarah on Tuesday, January 20, 2004 - 01:28 pm:

As I read all these posts and I also have these same woes, it dawned on me that EVERYONE has someone in their life that doesn't make life better, it seems to make it worse. I try to live my life making it better and richer and I don't allow negativity to influence the way I live. My mil is a prime example of people who cannot change and she will ALWAYS be very negative about everything but I am done trying to change her. I am just going to care for my dd and be there for my dh and just be happy. I hope all you ladies who feel this way can do the same.

By Merno on Tuesday, January 20, 2004 - 10:19 pm:

BellaJoe, bummed out that "Melanie" ended up being the way she is. Glad you have other good friends to talk to and get together with.

By Bellajoe on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 09:54 am:

Thanks merno. We are all bummed out that she has changed for the worse like that. We all end up talking about her when we are together and i can just tell that we are not as mad about it as we are sad and upset about it. It's a bummer, it really is.

By Missy3 on Thursday, January 22, 2004 - 09:45 am:

I agree, get out the toxic people in your life!!
I did, I had a girlfriend who I was friends with for 18 years. She S**t on me so many times!! Everyone would call hernames cuz she was easy, and I did not believe them. I was called the sluts friend, etc. Still did not believe them. She would cheat on boyfriends all the time. Then I got engaged and she met, engaged, and moved in with her fiance w/i 5 weeks! she married before I, she had a DD before me, which is fine. Then we decied to actually go out one night and she cheated!!!!! She was making out with a not so close friend, but someone I knew who is also married!!! I was so mad, that was it. I was in her wedding and told her that was it! I was not going to be a part of her life UNTIL she fixed her marriage-obviuously something was wrong. I am very high on the moral/wedding vow thing. She was a nympho and her DH isnt.

She also would only talk about herself. She would call for advice and I would give my feelings(all 42 versions of it ) and none of my ideas would work. So why would she even ask me? Then she would always complain about her weight. Enough was enough!

As I look back on it, I was stupid for hanging out with her. but w/o her I would not of meet my DH. As it is the other group of HS girls I hang out with HATE her! So trying to invite her to things just ended, cuz I would rather have the other friends there, rude but I did not care anymore. One party she drove all the way over to my house(1hr drive) and was immediately *sick* and wanted me to watch her and her kids-whiile I was hosting a party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUDE!!!!

AAAHHHH I have never put that in writing before, it feels good!

By Hol on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 - 08:50 pm:

I, too, have learned to "weed" without feeling guilty, but it took YEARS for me to be able to do that.

I am convinced that some friends come into our lives at a certain point, during certain circumstances. When those circumstances don't exist anymore, sometimes it's time to move on.

I had a friend, (although she wasn't a truly GOOD friend, because she couldn't be trusted with a confidence). She was very good to me at a very dark time in my life. However, EVERYTHING is a crisis! She has a wonderful life. Her husband loves her very much, and she wants for nothing. She only works because she wants to, and only a few hours a day. However, she COMPLAINS endlessly about her husband. She is his second wife, and I swear that she only married him to USE him to get what she wants. She is a flirt, and likes to notice other men looking at her. She constantly tells me that she doesn't know if she wants to stay in the marriage. She wouldn't go anywhere, because then she'd have to work a real job, and not have as much. She didn't marry until she was forty, so her chances of finding someone else are slim.

I used to listen to her "monologues", but it started to get to me. She needs to count her blessings. Since we adopted the boys, our (DH and I) lives have gone in separate directions from she and her DH. I don't call her anymore, and haven't seen her since before Christmas.

I,too, can relate to having a negative Mom. She has always made SUCH a big deal over things. When I was young, she told me that giving birth was excruciating. I was excited, but petrified when I found out that I was pregnant with my DD.Turns out, I had WONDERFUL pregnancies and deliveries, and loved the whole motherhood thing. My Dad said that my Mom didn't have a hard time, either, but she always wants people to think that she has suffered. The sky is "always falling" with her.
She also has what I call the "yeah, but" syndrome. No matter WHAT you do for her, it's never good enough, or complete enough. She is a nightmare to shop for, because EVERYTHING you give her needs to be returned or exchanged.
She's 83 now, and not about to change. We have never been as close as she and my sister are. They are more alike. I loved my Dad to pieces. He loved to laugh, and was so grateful for the least little thing.