We've had alot of chaos in our house lately. DH and I have been arguing alot. The DK's have been arguing alot. There are things certain individuals do that bother others. No one's really being nice, polite or considerate of the other family members. We've gotten away from our usual routines and chore division and so forth. Bath times, homework times and bed times have gone haywire. DH & I have decided to hold a family meeting tonight to try to "save our family." It's reached a point where we need to do something to get things back on track. The meeting will be held with DH & I, my 9 y/o DD and my 11 y/o DS. Any suggestions for how we can structure this? Things we can do to make it effective? Method for doing this so that it doesn't cause even more problems with anger, hurt feelings & such?

By Kate on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 10:13 am:

Sounds great. I've considered it myself, lately. My suggestion is one you've probably already heard. Have an object handy that the 'speaker' gets to hold. As long as that person holds the object THEY AND THEY ONLY get to speak. Everyone else MUST remain quiet and listen. Any 'violations' get met with 'So and So has the object, it's not your turn yet'. Enforce that. And emphasize that everyone will get an uninterrupted turn. When that person's turn is done, I'd have you all repeat back to him what he said so that he can figure out whether or not he was understood. Of course, remaining calm and not shouting or crying will help, but the kids might have trouble with that.

Whatever complaints or hurt feelings get aired should be written down and brainstormed as to how to fix things. And even unreasonable requests should be listened to respectfully and gently turned down.

Good luck!

By Mrse on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 10:27 am:

Meetings do work,we have done them, but one thing we did not do, is hold meeting regularly, which we should have. Our kids actually looked embarrassed when it was their turn to speak, but it gives them importance to the family, it is a real good idea. good luck with the meeting.

By Bubbels~admin on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 10:27 am:

What great suggestions, Kate! I'm definitely going to do the "speaker object" thing, and I love the "mirroring" back to the speaker what they said to be sure they were understood.

By Melanie on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 10:28 am:

I know you can't get this in time for the meeting, but I highly recommend reading Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families. It is excellent!! In it the author talks about coming up with a family mission statement. What kind of family do you want to be? What are your goals as a family?

Another suggestion that I have found to work wonders is used when two people disagree. Let the person who has the problem talk. The other person who it is targeted at needs to do nothing but listen. No responding, no interrupting just listen. Then that person reflects back what the first one said. Not putting their spin on it, but just reflecting back what the first said. That needs to end with the question, Do I understand what you were saying?

Next, the person who did the listening has the opportunity to speak about the problem from their point of view. The first person must just listen. Afterwards the first person reflects back and asks if they understood correctly.

Now for the important part. The two need to work together to come up with a solution that is a win for everyone. What I want doesn't necessarily work for you, what you want doesn't necessarily work for me, but when we put our heads together, and think win-win, we can often come up with a solution that satisfies everyone.

I have used this many times with my boys and I am always amazed at what they can come up with.

Get the book, though. It has so many wonderful ideas.

By Truestori on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 03:15 pm:

Bubbles,

I would start the meeting by going around the table and having every person state one good quality everyone else has. That way you aren't focusing on the negative from the very beginning. Alot of times as families we forget to tell eachother how much we appreciate or love the other person, because we are too busy concentrating on the negatives. Goodluck with your meeting...we all know you have been through so much in the past few months.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 04:43 pm:

Pam - in "fighting fair", never say "you never" or "you always". Try always to say "when thus and so happens (not when you do thus and so), I feel (not - you do x to me). Feelings are always legitimate.

By Bobbie on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 08:23 pm:

Pam I know this is too late but just wanted to wish you luck... Big hugs...