Unusual sex problem
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive October 2007:
Unusual sex problem
I have been married 7 years with 4 children. From the moment we got married it became evident that I had more of a sex drive than my husband. He does not pursue sex much and if I stand back and wait for him I could be waiting a few weeks. It drives me crazy. I had my last baby a year ago so I do not have to worry about pregnancy. I lost about 15 lbs with more to lose but a good improvement. I just want some passionate sex. To be seen as fun and desirable. I want to try some new things (nothing crazy). I want some GOOD foreplay. I could go weeks without being touched down south if I didn't mention it. He knows all this and just feels bad and less than. He feels like I am unsatisfied. We do occasionally have really good sex and I know it comes and goes. I am educated on relationships and own many books that I have read, but I have never been able to draw my husband out sexually. I know I have been pushy in the past, but haven't been for a really long time. I have tried wearing lingerie with no comments from him unless I ask. He is quiet as a mouse and I like to be more vocal which I am not comfortable with. I give him oral sex like crazy (which he refuses to kiss me afterward even if it is for just a minute which means for the rest of the time no kisses for me). I feel like an important and fun part of me is not like I would want it. I get tired of going to bed without so much as a cuddle until he is ready for sex. and then his "initiation" is so subtle. We read about men not keeping their paws off and I envy the woman complaining. I don't expect it to be like that all the time, but a little would be nice. I know I am complaining about a good man. We love each other so much. I just need to vent about this. I have been wanting to post and get some feedback for a while, but haven't. He is always tired, busy, not in the mood. Conditions have to be just right, but he never puts any work into making any of his conditions right. It just have to happen spontaneously. So any advice is welcome.
First things first, I think he needs his hormone levels checked. Sounds like he could have low testosterone and I would rule that out before anything else. Next step might be counseling. I am gathering that you guys are young. This is not normal and you do need to address this because it will affect your marriage. Would he be willing to go to a doctor and/or counselor?
Ditto Pam, that was going to be my first suggestion. Another thing that affects libido is depression. Is it possible he's depressed? And on that note, anti-depressants also will affect libido. And finally, it could be related to something totally different, like the way he was raised - as in, was sex considered *dirty*, was it one of those taboo subjects when he was growing up? The manner in which discussing sex, and the general attitude about it in a family while a child is growing up and maturing will play a big part in how THEY respond/act/react sexually in a relationship.
I agree, he should see a doctor first, counseling may be in order, and my last suggestion would be for you to keep initiating sex, do what you feel comfortable with to spice things up, TALK to him about it, and see what happens.
My marriage is similar. Not as extreme, but I understand. I need to have sex every other day, my husband is happy with every other week.
One thing that makes it better is communication. I have finally after 10+ years come to accept this is who he is. It isn't my fault, it isn't his fault. I still have needs. So we talk. He enjoys sex, but just doesn't think about it often. So there are often times I will just say "I have itch, lets go scratch it". The first few times this was odd, but quickie sex is just okay sometimes. But we had to really talk about it and we now both know what we need and as long as we express it we meet each others needs.
The second thing that helps for good sex, my husband needs warmed up. I let him know in the morning, tonight we are having adult fun. I will send him text messages during the day. "Can't wait to see you tonight" "I sure miss you" "sure is cold in the house". Nothing graphic, he works with other people. I have also driven up to work and left notes in his car. This works two ways, first it gets him prepared. It also is a strange foreplay for me. I can think about sex all day and wear sexy undies and I get in the mood quick.
It is hard with 4 kids. But if you can carve out some special days. Make a nice meal, serve some wine, dress up. Find out what he likes.
I also think you might benefit from some of those cheesy games. Not sex games, but romantic get to know you games. You might just learn something about each other. I just believe that you won't change him, but we do all change as time happens. So be intimate with him, don't force him, but don't give up either.
My DH is kind of like yours. He is a very good man and we have a genuine friendship which I appreciate. He is always there for me & the kids and works hard so we can have a comfortable life. However, our sex life is way less than perfect. He's a very laid back guy and just goes with the flow. I remember someone saying a long time ago that if men are laid back, it will show in their sex lives, if they are aggressive, it will show in their sex lives. I think that is the case with my DH. Sometimes, he just becomes too content. By him being so laid back, it's a blessing and a curse. Very rarely does he ever initiate sex, and sometimes, I resent having to be the one that initiates all the time. I try not to take it personally, but sometimes I do; like maybe I am not desirable enough to motivated hime into action. Honestly, I never even considered it to be a hormonal thing. Maybe he should be checked out. Lately, he has been depressed with his job and so I know that is part of the reason.
What you said about your DH being very subtle, I can relate to that too. I think that is just his way, but sometimes, I wish he would be more aggressive.