More advice for my friend needed
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive October 2007:
More advice for my friend needed
Going anon for her privacy.
Ok, I posted a while back about my friend whose DH is doing drugs. (He says it is only sleeping pills) So far, she has done nothing other than talk to him and threaten to leave. For about a week, he was fine, but in the last few days, she has seen changes again.
Here's an example; she went outside with her kids for about an hour. He stayed in the house. When she came back in, she was telling him about one of their cats that had recently come home and his reply was so weird, like he was completely unaware, and it didn't make sense. She told me that in just that hour they were outside, he had completely changed. That's just one recent example.
So here's my question. Does that sound like sleeping pills? For any of you who have dealt with loved ones/friends who have had drug problems, in your opinion, what kind of drug does that sound like?
It could be no drugs at all and there could be something physically/mentally wrong with him. If he denies that he's doing drugs, then she should insist he get to a physician to find out why he is acting this way.
He admitted to doing drugs last year. He then went to a clinic and was put on that medicine that helps wean you off of drugs. Supposedly he is still taking it and goes once a month for a new Rx. I don't know, maybe he is abusing sleeping pills and they are having a adverse effect to the other medicine he is on.
I feel so badly for her and her kids. Apparently, when he admitted he was using drugs, he said it was because he couldn't handle the kids.
If there is any truth to that statement about the kids, she needs to get out of the house immediately since the kids could be in danger. I know it's hard to believe that your own husband could be regarded as a threat to his children, but if he truly is unable to handle them, he shouldn't EVER be allowed to be alone with them.
I think that they should separate for at least a year to give him a chance to clean up. If after a year, he hasn't shown that he is able to maintain life while sober, she should divorce him. Drug addiction (regardless of the type of drug) is nothing to mess around with when the welfare of the children is at stake.
Furthermore, she needs to think about how living with a father who is struggling with a drug addiction is affecting the kids. What kind of bonding is taking place? What kind of example is he setting for them? What kind of example is *she* setting for them by remaining with him while he continues to abuse drugs around the children? While they may think the kids don't know what's going on, they do. They know something isn't right.
I would advise her to speak with his doctor. A friend of my dh's family was abusing pain pills & the family thought he was better. He was found dead at work of a drug overdose, so if she feels that something isn't right she needs to do something even if it means having him commited to some kind of program.
At this point, I really think my friend is paralyzed. I get the feeling that she thinks that if she can hang on for a little longer, he might get better. But in the next sentence, she says that at this point, whose to say he's going to stop. I advised her to contact an attorney for a consultation just to see how her & the kids stand as far as who would stay in the house and who would leave, finances, and child support. She mentioned to her DH that maybe he should go live with his parents and he said that he would not be leaving the house. (insinuating that it would be her and the kids leaving)
Here's my issue with the whole thing. She's been dealing with his issues for quite a while and even though I cannot begin to know and hope I never know what she's up against, there's a part of me that just wants to shake her and bring her to her senses before decisions are made for her and she's left a whole lot worse off. I don't understand her hesitation given the problem.
Right now, even with her DH's drug issues, she is still able to stay at home with her kids. She doesn't like what he is doing and threatens him from time to time, but I have to wonder if she will just continue to put up with it so long as her & the kid's lifestyle doesn't have to change.
It's so hard being on the outside looking in and trying to just listen and be supportive without telling her what to do.
I am glad that you understand the seriousness of what is going on. And I totally understand the frustration watching her go through this agony and not being able to do anything about it.
I would put it to her straight. Either she takes action or you will stop listening to her whine and cry about her situation. She has allowed him to have the power over their lives and she is too yellow bellied to take back control on behalf of her children. Maybe the tough love approach might be what she needs.
And if it doesn't work, you will not have to watch helplessly as she allows her family to be controlled by his addiction. This emotional rollercoaster must be taxing on you as well.
As a last resort, you could contact the local Child Protective Services and tell them that there are children living with a drug addicted father.
Best of luck.