I really need advice on what I should do about this situation
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive October 2007:
I really need advice on what I should do about this situation
I hope this doesn’t turn into a debate because I need some serious advice on this and want to stay anonymous in case I should need to report something.
I have an 11 year old niece and she has a 7 year old brother. They have different fathers, my brother is my niece’s father. Their mother has been involved with some Mexican guy for around two years now. I don’t know if they are legally married or not, but their mother refers to him as her husband.
I found out yesterday that their mother and this guy are planning on taking the kids and moving to Mexico. If they take them out of the country, then I don’t know how we’ll ever been able to see them again. They already live a little over an hour away and we are lucky if we get to see my niece every two or three months.
I don’t want my niece taking to another country. She will have much better opportunities here, but her mother doesn’t care about her kids well being. She is one of those mothers that only thinks about herself. For some reason she believes that they will have a better live in Mexico.
I know that there isn’t any kind of legal action that I can take to keep her from taking them out of the country, but what can be done about this? My brother probably won’t try to do anything because he said she (my niece) doesn’t want to come visit him anyway.
I also found out yesterday that this Mexican guy is over here illegally, so I thought about turning him in. But I’m afraid of what would happen if I do that. One reason that they want to go to Mexico is because he’s afraid that he’s going to get caught over here illegally. Can I turn him in anonymously? How do I turn him in? I only know his first name, but I do know their address. What would they do to him…arrest him, deport him right away? Could my niece’s mother still find some way to go to Mexico if this guy gets deported? My niece’s mother doesn’t know that I know that he is over here illegally, so she wouldn’t know that I turned him in. But she may think that my brother is the one that turned him in.
She will need a passport to get the kids across the border, and as far as I know you need both parents' signatures to obtain one. I know that my divorce and custody agreement states I have primary physical custody without geographical limitation, but if I traveled overseas, I would still need my ex's signature to get a passport for the kids. You could always go to the courts and ask them to stop her, but you'd have to prove it was not in the best interest of the children to go. As for having him deported, I have no advice there. Many hugs, this sounds like a scary situation!
Their plan is to try to sneak over the border back into Mexico. Which would put the kids in danger and would be illegal for her to take the kids out of the country without parental consent. That would be a good way for her to lose custody of them though. My parents and myself would love to take the kids in and raise them because she is such a lousy mother. Not abusive though (that we know about) so we don't have a case to fight for custody.
This next week is the kids fall break so I would like to do something while they are staying with their other grandmother. But I've been looking up some information and I read somewhere where if someone is arrested for being over here illegally, then they will usually get bail and aren't deported immediately. If that where the case, then that would concern me because they may decide to take off with the kids.
She doesn't have to be abusive, only unfit, for you to fight for custody. I don't know what your chances are, since you are not their parent, but your family could work together to try. As for the deportation thing, I would report him, because the information I've found says they will need to investigate before any action is taken. Also, if he is picked up, it looks bad for her, because she was harboring an illegal alien.
Crystal is right, both parents have to actually appear in person, not just sign, to get a passport for a child. The State Dept. has finally gotten wise to the problems that arise when only one parent wants to take a child out of the country. Unhappily, your brother might just cooperate, if he doesn't much care about what happens to your niece.
The problem is, sadly, that if they sneak over the border (which is clearly not all that difficult, especially going into, rather than out of Mexico), he will then be in his legal country.
I do think your best bet is to call INS and report him for being here illegally and her for harboring him. If he is arrested, then maybe DHS would intervene if they believe the children are at risk of being taken out of the country.
Sadly, no one in my family wants to take in my niece's brother. That's the main reason that my parents haven't tried to get custody of my niece. The reason no one wants to take in her brother is because he's never really been around him much. My brother got custody of my niece right after her brother was born and had her for three years then he gave her back to her mother. So we weren't around him during that time and for the past couple of years, they have lived away from here, so we don't see them very often. I know my niece's brother is a handful especially when you get them both together, but I would take them both in, if that were in their best interest.
Ginny, can you give me some more information on reporting this. Who is INS and where can I get a number for them? I'm going to see if my other SIL will report him. I know that she would do it and she is much better at handling this type of situation. I just wanted to gather some information for her.
You're right my brother may just agree to let her take my niece to Mexico, but I would hope that he would have the sense to not do that.
Isn't it putting the kids in danger if they try to sneak them into Mexico? And wouldn't their mother be in the country illegally as well? Would she have a good chance of losing custody of them if she did that.
I find it strange that my niece's mother has told my brother and his wife about their plans. That's who I found about it from. That's why it would look like they are the ones that reported him.
I had to get passports for my children last yr. I did have to have both parents appear (it was no big deal- just when we went to turn in paperwork, we both had to do it). I honestly think my signature is the only one on their passports though. Now I am curious, I'll have to dig them out and take a look.
I don't know about Mexico, but in CR it is a HUGE process to leave the country with children when you become a resident. We are temporary residents there. The day we became temp. residents the CR laws applied to us. So we had to go through a legal process with an attorney where they had documents drawn up for me giving me one yr permission to come and go with my kids. I now have to take them through a migration window at the airport and get something stamped, etc...etc...etc... just more lines for me to make with kids and I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!! lol
IMO, what I would do is tell your brother to wake up and smell the POVERTY and ABUSE and CRIME in old Mexico. He should NOT allow his ex to walk out of the country with his dd illegally with an illegal alien, etc...that is just ignorance on all their parts. If your brother challenges it in court a judge is going to give him custody of the dd, whether she wants to live with him or not is irrelevant. He needs to determine what's best for his dd and that isn't *sneaking over a border unlawfully*...Listen, if those parents end up in jail in old mexico there is no telling where those children will end up. Everything isn't fair and *just* in old Mexico, ok!!! Just like in CR there is a LOT of corruption. A LOT!!!!!! We are kind of sheltered here in the USA. I never took my eyes off my kids in CR, as there are s e x rings where they steal your kid and sell them for that or ship them to another country for that purpose. It's pretty bad. And if you kids happen to be blonde hair and blue eyed (like mine)... HELLOOO!!!!!
It would be different if they had a legal plan to leave, and a reason. For example, if his offices here were transferring him to the Mexico City offices for a period of a two yr assignment. That way there is an end in site as to how long his dd will be out of country and it is all done legally. Visitation would then be changed to Holidays and ALL summer, etc...
What would happen if her bf and her get married. Can he start making the process of becoming a legal citizen of the USA?? How does that work?
just my two cents.
You report an illegal alien at the Dept of Homeland Security now, you should be able to find information on the site. And DITTO everything Conni said!!
I don't see any of this as a win situation. The whole reason that my brother gave up custody of my niece is because his wife didn't want her anymore. So I don't know that they'd want to try to get custody of her again, even though she's older now. Plus my niece doesn't want to even go visit them because she says her step sisters are mean to her when she's there.
There were also a lot of family issues when they had custody of her because my brother's wife mistreated my niece. So I hate the thought of going through that again.
I wish there was some way that my brother could help my parents get custody of my niece, but my dad has health issues so I don't know if the courts would grant them custody. This is an all around bad situation, but I can't just sit back and not do anything. I did that in the past and it turned out bad.
I don't know if she and this guy are legally married or not. I would think that they aren't because wouldn't he need proof that he's here legally before they were given a marriage license. I also don't see how she could possibly sneak the kids over into Mexico and enlist them into school there without being able to show that they are there legally.
I wish I could talk to my niece's mother about this and try to get her to realize that this isn't in the best interest of her children. But I don't want her to know that I know about this. She thinks that they are going to be living better over there, granted they don't live too well here. I wish she'd leave the kids with someone here and go over there with the guy to see for herself what she'd be getting herself and her kids into before she uproots them and puts them in danger.
I don't know that anyone has said anything about this but unlike in the USA in Mexico being in the country illegally is a felony and you get jail time. So it is definately putting them in danger if she is planning on taking the across the border illegally.
You need to talk to your brother. He doesn't have to directly take custody to be in the fight to get her to stay with someone else in your family.
Good luck this is a really tough situation..
Well, this is JMHO, so you can take it for what it is worth. It sounds like your neice is in a no win situation with both her parents. If your brother's wife has mistreated her, then you can't blame her for not wanting to see them. And, it sounds like her mother doesn't really care.
So, I guess it comes down to whether you and your dh want custody of her or not. If you do, then you need to fight to get her. I would notify the authorities, and I would talk to a lawyer, and express your concerns about her leaving the country with the kids. I would also talk to them about getting custody.
Everyone is right, Mexico is not the place you want to be illegally. If anything were to happen to her mom, with her being there illegally, there is no telling what would happen to your neice.
I'm confused...if the neice your brother's daughter, how could he NOT want her in the USA??? I'd be in the court room 24/7 trying to fight this if I were him.
And, to ditto above...anything illegal in Mexico and they don't have the structure the US does. They could be in a Mexican jail and that poor girl would be deported by herself or put in the care of an extended Mexican family who may not even speak English? How scary! Is the boy a citizen of Mexico?
Sounds like the "new husband" is being selfish by coming up here, having a "wife" and child, and then going back home after he's made his money, etc.
I'd turn him in faster than you can say "adios" but that's just me...
At this pinoyt two childrens' welfare are at stake.
You said it yourself, This is an all around bad situation, but I can't just sit back and not do anything. I did that in the past and it turned out bad.
So I can kind of understand you nto wantign your neice's mom to knwo that you know, but hey if you just sit bakc and not act , thenyou will start to feel like you have dajevu, tings will turn out bad.
I an't believe we are sitign here talking abotu a other putting her kids in a sitution liek this for a man, sounds like some movie or something.
As far as your brother. I dont'knwo how long he has been married to his wife, but maybe he needs to be told it's allright to havve a wife , but she is jsut thats his wife, this is his own flesha dn blood and he needs to take a stand and step up adn fight for her. if he truly doenst' wnat her , then at least fight for her to stay wtih you or other relatives. and I know thats it's often hard when there ae two kids involved and they are not both your kind. But if you are willing to and really mean what you said above that yuo would take both of them then do it.
Now if it was me and my brother did not make a move admn make one quicker rather then sooner , I would contact the authorties and jsut beaue you are not her parent if a child is in a bad sitution/scenerio then yuo can step uop as her aunt on behalf of her and her brother and fight for them yourself.
And as as as mentioning this this sounds like a move, does she( ckid's mother) look at tele, listen to the news, read the papers.
there is a real thing called human trafficking ( she is exposing her children to this underworld)
tlak to her , tell her ask her self why are they ( mexicans) willign to risk there livs to get in tothe country ( dont' remember when but the ones that died onthe boat comign over) the little boy tahts was found alive and his mother had died) so why wold she wnat to go there and live.
How better off does she think she will be? You said that they don't live all that good here, if it's financial there is assistance out here that she can apply for.
But for the most part , I think you shoudl talk to her, let her knwo that you are willing to take the children if she feels tha she must go.
I know this is probaley weighing on you and I hope that it all works it self out for the better.
Dandjmom, that was Elias Gonzales, from Cuba. Mexicans generally don't come over on a boat, but the point is still valid. They are risking everything to come to America, there's a reason for that.
So I need to contact Department of Homeland Security to report him as being an illegal alien and report her as harboring an illegal alien. Does anyone know what will happen after I do that. Will they do something right away? Will they check into it even though I don't have any information on this guy other then his name and home address?
Then I need to contact DHS and tell them that two children's welfare is at stake by their mother because she's planning on taking them to Mexico illegally. What kind of information do I need on the kids if I reported that to DHS? I know that when my other SIL reported possible abuse she needed a lot of information about my niece in which she didn't know, such as SS# and stuff like that. In that case the DHS ended up not doing anything. Does anyone know what will happen to the kids after I report this? Will DHS do something right away since they are at risk of being taken out of the country? They are staying with their maternal grandmother this week. Should I report this now while they are there or is it better if they are in their mother's care before I report it? I don't know what would happen to them if they are with their maternal grandmother. I'd be concerned that they'd get to stay with her and she'd probably give them back to their mother eventually. That happened in the past because she doesn't want to raise her grandchildren.
As for my brother doing anything. I most definitely wouldn't wait on that to happen. It's a long messed up story about that. But he has been with his current wife for about 15 years, during that time they broke up at one point and my brother meet my oldest niece's mother and ended up getting her pregnant so he married her and they got a divorce before my oldest niece turned 1. Then he got back with his current wife and they now have two children together as well. Also when he told us about his ex-wife's plans to take my niece to Mexico, he said something along the lines of it doesn't really matter since she doesn't want to come visit him anyway. I just hope he's not stupid enough to agree to let her to his daughter there. So that's why it's completely on my shoulders to do something to protect my niece. I'm going to ask my other SIL if she'll help though, because I feel that she can handle these type of situations better.
Would I need to mention to the Department of Homeland Security that two children't welfare is at stake because of their mother saying she wants to take them to Mexico with the guy that she's with? Maybe by doing that, then something would be done quicker. If my niece's mother catching onto what's going on, then they may decide to run with the children.
I know that here is a financial cost to doing this but my advice would be to get a lawyer first, talk to him or her and they can probably answer all of your questions a lot better and tell you who to contact first and what to say exactly. They can also provide information as what you and your family's rights are as it pertains to custody of these children and whether or not you can actually do anything at all.
You are to be commended for coming to the aid of these kids. I wish you all the best.
I just had a long talk with my brother about this. After speaking to him, I now know that it's up to me to do something. I now know and understand more about the situation. He said that he would go talk to a lawyer about what he can do when he gets the money. I'm not able to speak to a lawyer at the present time either.
He also said that his ex-wife isn't planning on sneaking the kids over there illegally. So it will be a long process to try to get over there with all of the passport and paperwork stuff. But my brother also said that he may just agree to let his ex-wife take his daughter to Mexico because it won't make a difference to him since his daughter doesn't want to visit him. He said that his DD is wanting to go and that if he doesn't let her, then she may resent him. But my niece doesn't have a clue what she'd be getting into. I'm sure her mother has been brainwashing her into thinking it would be fun living there.
He said that if they go, that they most likely won't stay once his ex-wife sees what she's getting into. That's where I think someone should take in her kids and let her go over there to check it out instead of taking the kids with her. I wish I knew if I should talk to my brother's ex-wife about this, but I don't know if that is best or not.
He also said that he doesn't want to turn the guy in because he says the guy is nicer and treats the kids better than his ex-wife. He said that they may not do anything since it's just one person either. But I would think that if children's welfare are at stake, then DHS would check into it.
Hmm i have only read some of this. I guess I just don't completely understand why you think they are in jeopardy. I know America has some great things, but not everywhere in Mexico is bad. Do you have idea where they are going? If she is a US citizen, then she can come back at any time. So maybe she spends the next few years there, she can come back for college.
Two things come to mind. Your brother, all he has to do is speak up and say no. If he really feels like his child is in danger, then he needs to get a backbone.
Secondly, can you befriend the mom? Simply say, I know you are planning on going, are you sure this is where you want your kids? She may have some great ideas about the plan. But say to her, I am willing to keep your kids for the next few months while you check things out and find a suitable place. And if she doesn't like that you can offer a place for them if it doesn't work out.
I don't know, I don't think calling anyone will make a difference, she isn't planning on breaking the law. She is making a choice to move, although you don't agree with it, it may not be a bad choice for her.
I'm not comfortable with the idea of just sitting back and just let this happen without trying to do something If my niece ends up going over there and something bad happens to her, then I will live with that for the rest of my life. My niece is like my own children and she means the whole world to me. I pretty much helped raise her for the first three years of her life. But I also don't care to cause problems for other people and cause drama. So I can't figure out the best way to go about this. Especially since learning that my niece's mother isn't planning on sneaking them over there.
My brother did say that his ex-wife mentioned just going over there to check it out. So I have thought about trying to convince her mother to let us keep the kids while she goes and checks it out. But I don't really know how to go about approaching her with that idea. She gave up custody of her kids, when my niece was 4 and her brother was 6 months old, to her mother. That didn't turn out very well, my niece ended up with her father and being mistreated by her stepmother and her brother was given back to their mother because their grandmother didn't want to raise them. Her brother's father was in jail at that point so he couldn't take custody of him. So I doubt she'd be willing to let us have them for a while.
Well, not all of Mexico is bad. If they are going over there legally, and this man treats them better then their mother, then I guess I don't know why you would want to stop it. Do you know what part of Mexico they want to go to??
I don't have a clue what part of Mexico they want to go to. Apparently they've been thinking about this for a while now, but haven't figured anything out. I don't see how she thinks they'll be able to live better financially. I don't think she takes everything into being converted into Mexican money. I can't believe my niece is interested in going. I guess she doesn't understand that we won't hardly (if ever) see her while she's there. That's a hard one considering that she told us over the summer that she wishes she could live with us. I just wish it wasn't in the middle of the school year. That in itself will be hard enough on the kids. They will be in a cultural shock.
Since you are really concerned about her, then I would try and talk to her mom. You don't have anything to loose. It seems like this is something that they are serious about. You could tell her mother your concerns, and suggest that your niece live with you(if that is what you want) until she checks out the situation. Since she isn't the greatest mother, maybe she would be happy to leave her with you for awhile.
I have debated on even responding to this because I don't really know what I think, but overall I think it may not be your place to say or do anything. If your niece's father is fine with the situation, then as an aunt I think that you have to be willing to deal with it too. Also, Mexico is not necessarily some horrible place as you may have imagined. I have spent time in Mexico and Nicaragua (and will be going to Honduras next month) and while there is lots of extreme poverty in Central America, there are also places with good schools, good shopping, jobs, etc., esp if in a larger city. Also, it is much cheaper to live down there than in the USA (even with conversion--the American dollar is very strong and worth a lot) and people generally don't want or need as much when they get out of the US anyway. Culture shock is hard, but not unbearable and it can happen from a move in the US too.
If you feel you need to speak your piece to the mom then do so, but then be willing to step back and let this family handle it their own way.