Custody issues
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive August 2007:
Custody issues
I'm not sure how all this works. My hubby and I are not getting along all so well lately. We had wanted to move because I got a job. I'm not the one who wants to move but am doing it for my husband's sake. Our home has not sold so I am leaving alone with one child while hubby stays here with the other waiting for the house to sell. I am so angry about this whole thing. He assured me when this all started that things would work out perfectly. So, here I am, moving when I don't even want to.
I'm afraid this whole ordeal is pulling us further and further apart. I'm not saying we are separating for sure but if we do, what position will I be in? He has a better paying job here and the house is here. I could come back to the house but I have no job here. Does that put him in a better spot in terms of custody?
I'm probably jumping the gun a bit here. I just really resent the position he has put our family in.
Honestly, if you are having marriage problems and you are thinking enough about it to start to worry about custody issues, there is no way I would be moving to a place you don't even want to be. I would stay there and take the house off the market and find another job there.
Sorry, I know you didn't ask for that type of advice, but I just thought I would throw it out there. I honestly don't know how the courts look at custody issues.
I'm inclined to agree with Vicki. And I suggest that the first thing you need to do is talk to a marriage counselor, if you haven't already, before you start thinking about legal issues.
I have never, thank heaven, worked in domestic law. From what I read, most courts today will go for shared/split custody, with the parent with the higher income paying support to the parent with the lower income. But that varies from state to state and even, sad to say, from judge to judge. And if you live in different communities, then the issue of which parent the children live with during the school year (spending summer vacation with the other parent) comes into play, and usually the summer vacation parent pays support to the school year parent for the school year, and vice-versa. It can be pretty complicated, and pretty messy. I can promise you that unless both parents put the welfare of the children ahead of their personal wishes and the differences between them, the children will always be put in the middle and will always suffer.
I do urge you to first seek marriage counseling. You say you are moving for your husband's sake, but you also say that you are planning to move to a place where you will have a job and, I assume, your husband will leave his present, well-paying job. I'm afraid I don't understand why you are moving for your husband's sake. It sounds like you haven't done anything really irrevocable yet - or have you?
Whatever - if you don't want to move, then I think you shouldn't move. You and your husband should take the house off the market and sit down and talk and rethink this whole thing, before you take the drastic step of breaking up your marriage and family over what may be an issue that can be resolved to the satisfaction of both of you.
Thanks for you input Ginny and Vicki. Ginny, my husband really wanted to move closer to family (I'm sure with that information, most of you will know who I am) and I managed to get a job closer to family. Here, I had the higher paying job but I resigned from that to take this position closer to family. Hubby has not yet resigned from his position here because we were waiting for the house to sell first and that hasn't happened. I only did this for him and now I am the one facing all the stress. I've explained to him that this is going to ruin our family by putting me in this stressful position, moving when I didn't even want to in the first place and now doing it on my own.
I have a type of position that would put my employer in a bind if I were to call now and say I wasn't coming.
My husband is seeing everything through rose colored glasses. He still thinks everything is going to work out great even though I have mentioned separation a few times now.
Well, I think I know who you are from past posts, so I know why you are moving for your husband's sake, even though you are the one with the new job. If I am correct, you have been having marital/moving issues for awhile?? I am not sure about custody issues. I am just sending {{{{Big Hugs}}}} your way.
I really do hope that everything works out for you. I know you have had issues for awhile now.
Hang in there.
We were posting at the same time. Hang in there. I do know who you are, and I am sorry you are having to go through this.
You are right Debbie that custody has never been an issue before. It may not be even now. I'm just thinking out loud I guess.
I really feel that me and my daughter moving alone is going to really impact my family.
Honestly, I feel as though I am about to lose it. I'm not sure what losing it would feel like but I think I am pretty close. I'm set to leave in 3 days and have not even begun to pack up our things. He just keeps saying it's all going to work out and it's not. I leave in 3 days!
I just don't know what to do. I hate being in this position.
{{{hugs}}} I can completely understand, when dh moved us to Chicago, against my better judgement, it was very hard for me. I knew dh wouldn't like the new job, it wasn't a promotion or more money, he was happy with the job he had, and we liked where we lived. So, I thought it was pretty selfish of him to move us. When it all fell apart and he hated his new job, it was hard to not say "I told you so". I eventually let go of my bitterness, but it took awhile, and it was hard on our marriage. It is easier now because we have recently moved somewhere we love, and dh loves what he is doing. So, I do know what you are going through. The good thing, in my situation, is that dh finally realized what all the moving around was doing to us, and he realized he was putting himself, and his career before our family. He definitely appreciates me more these days, and listens to me more. 
All I can say, is try not to stress too much. I know easier said then done. Moving is one of the most stressful things, and it doesn't help when both people are not on board with it. Hopefully, something good will come from all this. You sure do deserve it!!!
I am so sorry you are in this position. I can't even imagine going thru this. I have no help to offer, sorry. Just big hugs!
I do understand that you don't want to put your new boss in a bind by resigning now. BUT, you are going through this now because you put your husbands wishes above yours. (not saying that is wrong at all) Don't make it even worse by putting a new boss above your own wants and needs too! You are talking about your life and happiness. No job in the world is worth you "loosing it" in my opinion. It is time to look out for yourself now.
I would seriously consider not taking the job. If you want to leave the possibility of moving open, keep the house on the market and let dh find a job in the new area and THEN consider moving.
I just can't see you being in a area that you don't even really want to be in all alone with only one child and dh being there with the other child a good thing. With no idea at all when the house might sell and them joining you..... Just too much stress on a marriage that seems to be on thin ice as it is.
I am so sorry that your going through this. I do remember your posts in the past and how long you all have struggled with moving or not moving. I do hope everything works out and your marriage can get stronger.
I know who you are too and I understand your checking in post now.. A few questions..
Why is DS staying with DH? If the family is moving then it would only make sense that DS would be going with you and starting the school year out at his new school.. Instead of having to switch, mid year, when the house sells. The idea of leaving one of my children behind would be enough to drive me nuts and it wouldn't happen.
I understand why DH is staying behind, kind of... You are going to be paying for two places to live, him with you or him staying behind? Are you using a realtor? Or selling by owner?
Does DH have jobs lined up where you are moving?? How quickly will he be able to find a job there?
Does DH have any vacation time coming?
I have concerns that your state of mind is going to jade this move no matter how it works out and even if this turns out to be a possibly positive move you aren't going to see it for anything but a forced move that you hate.. Apparently you are hating the move enough that you are thinking of ending your marriage over it?
Three days isn't very much time to make some quick decisions and it surely isn't going to change your heart.. (((BIG HUGS))) and lots of luck..
Hugs, Anon. What a tough situation. It must be very unsettling for your whole family.
Hi guys!
Ginny, to answer some of your questions
DS is staying with DH because DH thought it would be easier for me to have only one child (the oldest one) to care for. He is concerned that if I take both children with me it would be an added stress.
Yes, we are using a realtor. The reason he is staying behind is that he still has a job here and doesn't have one yet where we are moving. If he leaves his job, then we would be paying rent there and mortgage here on my income alone. Also, he is getting a raise at his current job on September 1st. A new contract is coming in to effect and there is a signing bonus as well. He has some vacation time that they will have to pay out as well which would be under the new salary.
At one point in the summer I was starting to get excited about this. But that was when everyone was saying how quickly the house would sell. Mind you, it has only been listed for a little over 3 weeks so I guess maybe I'm asking too much.
I had a long talk with him last night and basically told him what I had asked you guys about custody. He told me that he would never let me divorce him b/c he loves me too much. I believe in his heart he thinks this move is the best thing for all of us. He offered to quit his job and come with us but that would be too much of a financial burden.
I did get a phone call the other day from my boss. I had originally had a 70% position. It has been bumped up to full time so that will help out.
I told DH about a week ago that I would give the house until the middle of November to sell. If it has not sold by that time, I will resign and move back at Christmas.
I am just so torn. I want to do this for him. The kids are excited about getting to know their other family members. We've also had the added stress of buying a new vehicle. I just don't deal with stress well I think.
Oh, DH has a lead on a job there. The salary is awful but it would give him the inside edge when other internal positions come up.
So Anon, it sounds like the only thing holding dh back is the house selling. It sounds like he has his heart in the right place.
I will keep your family in my prayers. I hope the house sells and you can all be together once again.
I'm like you, I don't handle stress well at all. I really don't like the unknown. Yet, so often things work out fine in spite of all my worrying. I hope things will all come together for you, too.
((HUGS))
Keep your faith and your thoughts on the positive. Just a change of thought patterns can make things seem to have turned around, which in reality are just as they were before. The change was from you, not the circumstance.
After reading the background I think much of your worries are from your own fears. Keep the lines of communication open w/ your DH and you will be able to lighten your load by sharing with him.
Paula, I agree 100 percent with Dana.. The change has to be from with in you, just as it was before.. DH can talk you through the stress but you have to wrap your mind around the positives of this move and stop freaking out over things you don't even know for sure.. You seem to have some good things coming out of this move, kids wanting to be around and getting to know their family, full time teaching position, DH has a job lined up.. This too shall pass and big hugs... You can do this...
|
Members
