Surrogacy
Moms View Message Board: The Kitchen Table (Debating Board): Surrogacy
This was on another board. I was curious what other people's opinions were on this.
Has anyone ever considered serving as a surrogate? DH and I have been talking about it recently... for a variety of reasons, but primarily financial. I was wondering what thoughts and opinions you ladies had on the issue? Please share your thoughts...
I might have considered doing it for someone I loved when I was young enough to do so. I don't know if I'd do it for a total stranger though. I know people do it for financial reasons, but I have always wondered about the *what ifs*.
*What if* you develop gestational diabetes and you have diabetes after the baby is born?
*What if* you have problems with the pregnancy, up to and including uncontrollable bleeding that results in a hysterectomy?
*What if* you lose the baby mid term; how would that be dealt with?
*What if* you get really attached while pregnant; how do you and your family mourn the *loss* of the child?
*What if* you end up with long term health issues that stemmed from being pregnant with a child you will never have in your life - would the financial gain then be worth it?
There are so many things to think about.......
All that said, I see nothing wrong with surrogacy and I support it for whomever is willing to do it.
I thought about this several years back when my sister and her husband found out they can't have children. And I quickly came to the conclusion that I just couldn't do it, not even for my sister, who is also my bestfriend. Even though I know the child would be my niece and nephew and be in my life forever. I simply become too attached early on in my pregnancy. There's no doubt in my mind that I would come to love the child as my own before I gave birth, genetics or not. I couldn't give it up.
But I'm not against it, obviously, or I would have never taken the time to consider it...
Not only is there a risk that it would be extremely difficult to surrender the baby and agree to have no contact, (should that be the arrangement), but it would also have an adverse affect on your existing children, to know that mommy, however it may have happened, was carrying a baby that could have been a brother or sister, and to see it given away. Kids get really strange ideas abd those ideas are usually centered around themselves, and it is possible that your children could wonder, what would they have to do wrong to make mommy and daddy give *them* away?
I know someone, on line, who has been a surrogate a few times. It's been a very positive experience for all families involved, and she still has contact with each of them. I'm sure she'd talk to you about it if you want me to pass your addy along to her.
When we were dealing with fertility issues, I had 2 people offer to be surrogates for us. I was touched beyond belief. If Nicole had not come into our lives when she did, we might have considered it.
If you could do it,kudos to you!!I've heard some amazing stories.
I agree, I could never do it. But thank god there are people that can. They are true blessings.
I don't think I could do it, just for emotional reasons. When it came down to the delivery, I just don't think I could. I also have a high risk for HELLP Syndrome yet again, and I have a VERY small cervix that refuses to open, and I'm a c-section person who could probably never give birth vaginally even if I wanted to. So medically, no I wouldn't chance it.
Without that though, I could be professionally pregnant. I love being pregnant, I was a happy pregnant woman. My pregnancy was perfect - small weight gain, very active, no sickness, felt fantastic. I just can't deliver too well.
If you can do it, go for it. I'm sure it can be a wonderful experience. I think it would be VERY weird for other kids in the family, and difficult to grasp.
I'm unclear though - would the surrogate be invitro - implanted with someone else's egg and sperm? Or is it your own egg and someone else's sperm?
Well ... I don't want another baby, but I did really enjoy my last pregnancy and the birth was so wonderful that my thoughts were wow I'd do that again, but ..
I think surrogates are really special women. As much as I enjoyed the above, I could never do it for any baby that was not going to be mine.
Ame
I could never do this. I am very attached to my babies in utero and couldn't give one up.
I do know the lady who is considering this though, it through me for a loop. She has donated eggs before, to a friend. But really she is interested in doing this because she has a large debt and this would get a good chunk to pay it off. I was suprised at her responses on the other board.
Personally I think there are plenty of babies in this world that need a home, the thought of producing to sell a baby (which is what this is), is just wrong. I know people who buy babies from china etc, but these are existing children and they aren't paying the mothers, rather the crooked gov.
Reds I think the would be implanted with an embryo. But honestly and this is a new thread, for the right amount of money I think she would be willing to spend time with whoever to produce the child. Just think about indecent proposal!
I probably couldn't but I know for certain, that if money was the prime or biggest reason why I might, I would be doing it for the wrong reasons.
I could never do it. Like Karen, I also worry about all the "What ifs?". My prime concern would be putting my health at risk, which of course, could effect my own children. I loved being pregnant, but had gestational diabetes and had to deliver via c-section due to a heart-shaped pelvis. I'm too old now, but simply couldn't go through all that and then GIVE UP the baby. No thanks!
For those who are willing and able, more power to them!
A dear friend of mine was unable to stay pregnant several years ago, before my youngest was born. I offered to carry a baby to term for them and we began investigating the legalities of it. Eventually, it became too complicated for either of us to be comfortable with, for many of the reasons that you have all listed, and we let go of that idea. They are unable to foster or adopt because of thyroid cancer, from which she is cured, but agencies still wouldn't allow them to "parent" a child. I just met with this couple last night and they still are child-less but comfortable with that situation now. I loved being pregnant, I think I could give up a child that I gave birth to when I love the parents as much as I love this couple, I know I'd see the child frequently but I think doing it purely for the money is just a form of "baby buying" and that's sick.
Kaye Wrote "I know people who buy babies from china etc, but these are existing children and they aren't paying the mothers, rather the crooked gov."
Kaye I assure that my son was NOT BOUGHT. I'm not sure who these people are that you know but I KNOW from a lot of FIRST HAND experience that The CCAA, the governing adoption agency in China, has a VERY VERY VERY firm control on adoptions and they are VERY above board.
I couldn't because I couldn't imagine carrying a child and then giving it up, even if it wasn't biologically mine. I do know someone that's done it three times, though. She's a single teacher. She doesn't have any children of her own and doesn't want any. She said she has nieces and nephews to play with and all her kids at school. She doesn't want one 24/7. I met her during her third pregnancy. She was a surrogate for a couple in California. This was the second child she'd carried for them. They wanted her again because they wanted the kids to be biological siblings. The other couple she carried a child for was also in California. She'd go out there for the insemination (using their sperm, her eggs) and stay for about a month to make sure everything went alright. Then she'd come back here until about her 7th month. She'd then go back until the baby was born. She said she loved being pregnant. She took care of herself better when she was pregnant that any other time. She did get updates about the children along with pictures, but has no contact. It worked for her.
Like I said, I'd never be able to do it, but I'm glad there are people like that out there that can.
Kaye, I really hope you'll reconsider that statement about buying babies from China.
Tammie, I wonder if you would mind emailing me? DH and I discussed adopting from China/Korea many times and the topic has come up again recently. I would just like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind. My email addres is heaven _ tree @ hot mail . com (minus the spaces). Thanks.
I couldn't do it. I also become very attached to my baby during pregnancy. It would devastate me to to have to give them up after birth.
I *think* that what Kaye meant is that it costs a great deal of money to adopt a child from another country. Maybe it just didn't come out that way.
I do agree with Kaye that adoption needs to be considered more often. There are such extreme measures being taken by couples desperate to have a baby, yet there are so very many unwanted children right here in the U.S. desperate for a loving home.
Look at the time of my post...sorry that didn't come out right.
What I was trying to say, when you adopt from China, you do spend a lot of money (i believe when I looked into it, it was 40,000). The difference to me is although you are spending money, people aren't benefiting from the money.
As for the gov, okay so they are on the up and up for adoptions. So why do they have thousands of children in ill equipt orphanages without enough food and medical supplies, but it still cost 40k to rescue a child? I think the government over charges and there is a lot of BS paperwork.
The reality is there are plenty of children in this world that need a good loving home and it is very difficult to get them and if you do choose to adopt it will cost you a lot of money. And if you have money you can get children quicker and easier. So there is a sense of baby buying through adoptions. Again, to me the difference in between surrogacy and adoption is all about making a home for a child in need and creating a child for a home in need. And I have a hard time believing in the US you can pay someone out right to carry a child for you. You cannot pay someone directly to adopt their child. Canada does not allow either of these activities to happen.
The reality is there are plenty of children in this world that need a good loving home and it is very difficult to get them and if you do choose to adopt it will cost you a lot of money. And if you have money you can get children quicker and easier. So there is a sense of baby buying through adoptions. Again, to me the difference in between surrogacy and adoption is all about making a home for a child in need and creating a child for a home in need. And I have a hard time believing in the US you can pay someone out right to carry a child for you. You cannot pay someone directly to adopt their child.
Kaye, I agree with all that you said, 100%!!!!
And as far as *buying babies* goes, we are all aware that in this country, and others, there *ARE* black-market babies. It's a truth that people don't like to talk about, but a truth, nonetheless. I am not saying that all adoption should be considered *baby buying*, by any means. I suppose if you consider the fees, etc., that must be paid to adopt, that *could* be construed as buying. But the baby-buying that I am speaking of is strictly black market baby-buying.
Something I have issues with as far as adoption goes, is situations as Tink spoke of above: They are unable to foster or adopt because of thyroid cancer, from which she is cured, but agencies still wouldn't allow them to "parent" a child. While I DO understand an adoption agency being concerned about allowing someone with a terminal illness adopting a child, I think it's wrong to turn down someone who is basically cured, when they are willing and able to be loving and nurturing parents. And I know this isn't the same thing, but birth-parents raising their children together are all too often faced with catastrophic illnesses - no one takes their kids from them when that happens. Somehow it just seems messed up to me, that someone who, though they may have had cancer in the past, is cured, and isn't allowed to adopt because of it. Tragedy can strike any one of us at any time, and you deal with it just like anything else, so IMO, in the case of adoption, *if* and *when* it happened, you'd deal with it as a family, just like any other family.
Just have to add 2 cents to the cost of international adoption. While it does cost a fortune, those costs include travel, accommodations, agency fees, donations to the orphanage, etc. It's not $40,000 (or whatever the amount is) handed to one person as you have your child placed in your arms.
In Canada, it's illegal for anyone to make a profit from adoption. We pay the hourly fees that our social workers and licensees (adoption lawyer) charge. We cannot pay any money to the birth parents, which seems to be a common thing in the US. I'm referring to private, domestic adoption. Our agency adoptions are free.
Heaventree - I sent you an email. I would be happy to "talk" with you about adoption.
I know that this is getting Off Topic here but I just have to claify that when you work with a REPUTABLE adoption agency it makes NO difference how much money you have. It will NOT get you a child sooner. I realize that unethical things can take place in adoption but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't say things that tend to give ALL adoptions a negative connontation.
I'm sorry to keep posting on this and bringing the conversation off-topic, but the mommy in me can't just sit by and let people contintue to give an inacurate picture of how adoptive families are made. These are MY kids that are affected by this type attitude.
Tammie, Bless you for adopting.
Cori, I run 2 Canadian adoption lists that might interest you. We have members from all sides of the adoption triad, as well as professionals. If you want to join, just let me know.
My husband and I have research adoption, we considered adopting before I was able to get pregnant. We have since talked about adding to our family via adoption. Simply we want more children, feel like we can provide a loving home, but there are so many children out there without it. But looking into it, I am just amazed at how much it costs. For me it is nothing negative about a child, and not really for the parents. Really doesn't a child feel really special that someone wanted them enough to go through all the hassle and spend that much money to have them as part of their family? I just don't see a negative connotation.
But don't fool yourself that money doesn't talk. There are reputable agencies in the US that require you have enough money in the bank, transfered to the minor's name, to cover college expenses. If you can provide that you can get the race and sex you request, and the wait time is about 2 months. Most people I know who have gone the cheap route for adoption have waited months if not years to finally have a child. If you go through the foster system, you can even have the child live with you for years before you can legally become a parent. Our system is flawed. I am glad there is a system and regulations, but that doesn't change that our system is flawed.
That is part of what is so amazing to me about the surrogacy thing. Past medical expenses, you can be paid 50k to 75k, for your "work" in carrying and birthing a child. The lady considering this has more than that in cc debt that she needs to pay off. Crazy world in my opinion!
After I had my three girls I offered to carry my sister's/dh child for them. However the timing was poor because we were being transferred to Japan. I would have done it in a heartbeat because I know my sister would have made an excellent mom and my pregnancies were easy.
I wouldn't have done it for a stranger though. And I wouldn't do it for the money.
Kaye I realize that you are probably not intending to be offensive. However, the reason I find it negative is that my son and daughter are people not objects or things that can be bought. Being "bought", to me has a negative connotation. Yes, I had to pay money in order to adopt them but those were fees. Those fees included a homestudy by a liscensed social worker (this social worker expects to get paid for the job she does --just like anyone else who holds a job), United States INS fees so that they can be sure that I meet the qualifications to support a child (again the INS employs people who expect to be paid for doing their job). There is a fee to the adoption agency for processing all the paperwork (again the adoption agency employs people who again expect to be paid for their work). There is only a SMALL portion of the total expenses to goes to the orphanage as a donation. The rest is to pay for all the paperwork and for those people who process the paperwork.
I have a cousin that would make a wonderful father. His wife was born with kidney issues and has had three transplants, two rejected and the last one she has had for over 10 years with no complications. They tried to adopt through the state because they were concerned over the effects of her caring a child on her body and they thought they could help a needing child by going through the state. They were denied because of her health history.. They want children so bad. They had dreamed of a huge family, even bought their house planning on having children to fill it and with that denial their dreams were dashed. They even tried to get approved for fostering and were denied because of her health.. It breaks my heart because there are so many children in the foster system in Ohio needing a good home and because she MIGHT get sick again or God forbid die those children and my cousins are denied a day of family love. Life is full of what if's.. There are no guarantee for tomorrow for any of us, yet we raise our children day to day. Why is a great home denied?? They grant foster parents children every day and those "parents" abuse and neglect those children. I agree our system that deals with children is flawed, as are many other systems set up in our country.
I agree with surrogacy but I think it takes a special circumstance. I fully believe that it needs to be done out of love for the life you are going to produce. Your love and connection to the "parents", the baby and your family. I feel that way about any adoption period.
To do it as a way to make money concerns me. If it is about the money are you going to do what you need to do to "carry" the baby in the best way you can for that child?? I often think not..
Mommy, I don't think Kaye is trying to be offensive and I understand where you are coming from. But she is just trying to state (as I see it) the fact that there are children living in terrible situations.. There are people with room in their hearts to love those children, yet unless they have X amount of money they are denied adoption. Money doesn't make for a good home or good parents, we all know this first hand. Children raised in an orphanage/institution are know to grow up with serious emotional issue, most with failure to thrive. If these children are going to grow up in virtual poverty and neglect and be turned out on the streets at a certain age. In the states 18 and in other countries younger than that. Why not make it cheaper/easier to give them good homes??? I would love to adopt/foster but I have concerns because of DH's health issues that we will be denied..
Oh and by the way.. Dh spent three years in a receiving center (term used for Orphanage at the time but boils down to prison as they were locked in their area's as if in jail he was 7 at the time) waiting for placement in a foster home and then he spent 3 years in a foster home. At 13 he and his brothers where going up for adoption and out of the wood work crawled his alcoholic father. Who appeared in court drunk and was granted his children back because they didn't have enough qualified people willing to adopt/foster a sibling group with emotional issues and boy did they have emotional issues by that point.
The foster system has become a generational issue in DH's family.. BIL # 1's children spent 6 years in foster care also, removed for neglect, long story but unbelievable... And the other BIL #2 had CPS at his home often over the 18 years of raising his step daughter, to the point that they had planned to leave state because CPS had threatened to take her from them. BIL #1's son is in prison, started his criminal career at 14 they year he was returned home, he is 20 now. BIL #1's daughter is 20 and has thrown her life away to crack, DH's families drug of choice. She has a son that she isn't sure who the father is. He is two and she has had CPS called on her four times and the cycle begins again...
Sorry most off this is so of topic but I am aware that most people don't know/understand the system.. they assume our system is set up to protect the children.. More people need to know what happens in the real world with many of these children. Not all but enough that it should be a stronger issue with us 
This happened back in the '60's,but my dh was adopted by some real nut cases when he was 5.He had spent all of his previous years from birth in an orphanage,and many,many foster homes.He was abused very badly in almost all of them.One husb/wife couple molested him when he was 3 .They locked him in a closet for a week.Someone reported them and he said he can still see the police officer that opened that closet door and reached and picked him up.The officer was crying.He put dh in the frount seat with him and let him play with the siren on the way to the jail,or where ever they were going.The people that adopted him were older,rich people of the community.She started molesting him shortly after adopting him.He's really gone thru a lot because of all of this.But I'm sure now they screen people much better than back then.And I absolutely think adoption is a wonderful program
Wandilu, I don't think that they screen people like they want us to believe they do.. I think a lot of it is based on how many kids they are trying to place and the availability of homes. The more kids, the less homes, the more things they over look. The less kids, the more homes, they are more strict. And I also think that a lot of the case workers look at situations through their eyes/opinions and not what is best for the child.
My nephew was allegedly molested in three of his foster homes. One of the men (foster dad) was up on charges of molesting 8 of his foster sons over a period of years. Another case I know of was molestation by another foster child. My niece was abused physically in one of the homes, they would with hold food, showers, etc.. over small issues. They were not given proper counseling and in many of the homes they were treated like criminals/below the foster family in value. They were mistreated badly at home, put in a "safe" place that was to protect them but allowed them to be mistreated and then they were returned home because they became unplacable do to behavior issues. I could say so much more about the way their case was handled but lets just sum it up as flawed from the begining..
I know this is not always the case.. I know many children grow up in a loving system.. But some do not to this day and that some make the way the system is run unacceptable if you ask me.
This so way off the surrogacy issue, sorry..
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