I'm not sure if this is really a debate, but it's a bit of a touchy subject so I thought I put it here.

My cousin called me in tears last night. She just found out that her husband has be viewing pornographic images on their home computer. Apparently this has been a point of contention between the two of them for a long time and he had promised her he would stop. I guess he has been receiving this stuff through his email so she can't track his history on the computer. She feels betrayed and thinks he is acting sneaky. She also feels like he is lying to her by omission. She said she also feels betrayed by the person sending the messages. This person was her friend originally and she was the one who introduced him to her husband. She is not at a point where she is ready to speak to her husband yet, but she wants to confront her friend and ask him to stop sending the emails. I guess her friend has a teenage daughter and she wants to try and appeal to him as a Father.

She wanted my advice as to what she should do and what she should say to her friend. I have no experience with this, I told her to take some time to think about the situation and make sure and not to act too quickly before talking to her friend as this could create more problems in her relationship with her husband. I said we would talk again in a few days. I have no idea what to say to her when we speak again!

Any thoughts or suggestions?

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, March 9, 2006 - 03:22 pm:

Well, if she's checking up on him in the way of reading his email, she's already breached the privacy issue, so at the very least, she's going to have to answer for that if she confronts him.

We have had a number of topics on the board about this very same subject... I'm sure you could do a keyword search and find them, there might be info in them you can draw from.

By Vicki on Thursday, March 9, 2006 - 03:28 pm:

First off, I think she needs to confront her husband before she confronts the "friend". It is her husband that has betrayed her by viewing the items that have been sent to him. Is she sure that he is viewing them? Maybe he just deletes them first? I would talk to my husband and give him a chance to explain before taking it outside of the relationship.

By Crystal915 on Thursday, March 9, 2006 - 04:29 pm:

It was a part of the destruction of my first marriage, so I take this one to heart. Sneaking around and continuing to do something that your spouse is hurt by is just selfish. Forget confronting the sender, because the husband will just find other ways to "get his fix". She definitely needs to confront her husband, and they need to work this out, because mine is not the only marriage I've seen self-destruct with the whole •••• issue.
Anyway, I still think that regardless of the situation, if your spouse says "This hurts me and I'd like you to stop", I think it's selfish and destructive to ignore that. You don't do that to someone you love.

By Reds9298 on Friday, March 10, 2006 - 01:55 pm:

I also don't feel it's the sender's responsibility. As far as I'm concerned, the sender isn't even an issue here. Crystal pegged it...regardless of what it is, if it's hurting/upsetting/against your spouse, then it's just downright disrespectful to do it. It shows selfishness and a real lack of dedication to that person IMO. I can't imagine doing something behind my DH's back that upsets/bothers him that much. (I'm not talkin' $100 on the credit cards, LOL)Likewise, he wouldn't either. We have mutual respect and love for each other, and if it's bothering someone that much, then it needs to stop IMO.

BTW, if he's been getting it in emails, he's checkin' it out elsewhere, too. (JMHO)

By Karen~moderator on Saturday, March 11, 2006 - 11:18 am:

Ditto Deana. You don't have to get emails to see p-o-r-n on the internet, or anywhere else, for that matter. It is sold in every corner drugstore, you can rent it in many video stores, you can visit an adult *toy* store or purchase it from one online. Anyone who is *into* p-o-r-n knows where they can find it if they want it.