My DD spent the night at her friend's house last night and they took her to church this morning. Here's my problem: After church, I was waiting for DD to get home because of, well, just because. They went to the early service and should have been back by 10:00. At 11:00 I get a call from DD saying that they are at a museum. A little tiffed I just say "ok" and will talk to her when she gets home. Four hours later, & 45 minutes before she has confirmation classes, I'm still waiting and called mom's cell only to find out that they had lunch and decided to do a little shopping at TJMaxx. I realize I probably should have asked to have her home at a certain time, and if her friend's mom would have called and asked if she could do those things, I MIGHT have said yes, but had I been the mom in her situation, I wouldn't have assumed that I had rights over planning her dd's day without asking first. This isn't the first time this has happened with this lady & though her intentions are always honorable, I would still like to be asked. We may have had plans of our own. In this case we didn't but we could have. Do you think I'm just making a big deal about this?

Also, mom's of teenage daughters, did you notice a lack of communication between you and your 12yo dd's starting? I always feel like the bad guy lately.

By Emily7 on Sunday, March 19, 2006 - 05:24 pm:

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By Yjja123 on Sunday, March 19, 2006 - 05:26 pm:

Well...When I allow my daughter to spend the night I have certain ground rules. We set up a SET TIME of pick up and drop off. If there is going to be any travel (going anywhere in a car), I want to know in advance. If plans change, I expect a phone call. I give the same courtesy to the parents that leave their kids here for sleep overs.
It sounds like a lack of communication between both the parents and the children.

By Crystal915 on Sunday, March 19, 2006 - 05:29 pm:

I agree that it's inappropriate for the mom not to call you, and get a go ahead... I would ask the mother to please notify you ahead of time if there is a change in plans next time.

By Annie2 on Sunday, March 19, 2006 - 06:27 pm:

I would let it go this time. Next time I would ask for a specific time for drop-off. Since you didn't ask for one this time, they probably thought you didn't have any plans for the day.

Your dd did call you and you said "ok". You could have asked to speak to the mom to find out their plans for the rest of the day.

By Vicki on Sunday, March 19, 2006 - 06:28 pm:

I too would make sure that any future plans had a pick up time. While I would have called to make sure it was ok, I also would have assumed there were no specific plans for the day since no pick up time was mentioned.

By Mrsheidi on Sunday, March 19, 2006 - 08:59 pm:

Did your daughter tell her that she had no plans for the rest of the day? I wonder if she asked your daughter...still not right though. I would have called you myself.

And, I used to teach 12 year olds... you'll be the "bad guy" for another 2 years or so. Just stick to your guns and use these phrases...

"I love you too much to argue"

"Why? Because I'm the worst mother ever." (They never have a comeback to that one because it means that they would have to agree with you which is against the underground teen motto.)

By Truestori on Sunday, March 19, 2006 - 09:05 pm:

Well,
I will be the odd man out and say that it is your job as her mother to obtain all of the info before hand. If you knew you wanted her home at a certain time then you need to express that. It would be courteous of the other girls mom to let you know, but all in all your daughter is with them and I'm sure she goes about her daily buisness just as if it were her children with her. JMHO of course

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, March 20, 2006 - 05:11 am:

I think the mother should have called you. I think at 12 your daughter is old enough to know she should have called you before they set out for the museum instead of waiting until they got there. Could she have known that you would probably have said no if she called from the house, and did it this way because she thought it would be less likely that you'd tell the other mom to bring her right home. And yes, I think if your dd stays overnight there again you need to be really clear about your and dd's schedule for the next day and when you expect her home.

If it were me, I'd ask the mom how it came about that they left for the museum without calling you first, and honestly, I wouldn't be much surprised if she said something like - I asked dd if she thought you'd mind and dd told me you'd be fine with it. A bit irresponsible to depend on a 12 year old's judgment, and a 12 year old's ability to forego a treat, but I'll bet some conversation like that took place. The mom probably thought she was giving your dd a nice treat by including her in their day, and giving you a break.

And, because this isn't the first time something like this has happened with this lady, I'm inclined to agree with Stori and say that since you knew this lady had done something like this before, you should have been clear with the other mom up front on what was going to happen the next morning. And I agree, if it had been me, I would not have taken a 12 year old's say-so, but would have called the child's mother right after we left church and before we went on a trip anywhere.

By Tripletmom on Monday, March 20, 2006 - 09:05 am:

Always set up the plans ahead of time.As the parent you should know where shes going to be and what she'll be doing.It will save alot less anxiety for you and you dont have to worry if something happened.You can also enjoy her more when she gets home like how was youre night? instead of where were you? I was worried sick about you.Then you know youre going to be the bad guy right off the start when she gets home.

By Missbookworm on Monday, March 20, 2006 - 09:59 am:

I say I agree with Ginny and the others. I have had this problem and I had even set up the plans the way they were supposed to be! It's a frustrating thing to go through and I laid down the law after that saying if this is going to happen then you're not going to be able to go...period.

By Sandysmom on Monday, March 20, 2006 - 10:26 am:

Thank you all for your advice!!

With my other dd's friends, we don't have this problem because as parents, we all know to have a plan. Since this happened once before with this lady, I just chalked it up to a miscommunication thinking that I should always give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I guess I am a little naive because I always thought that it was one of those unwritten mom's codes to be extra considerate with other people's kids. I will not give this lady the benefit of my doubt anymore and *as the parent* I do always know where my dd is and am a very protective mom. I guess I have learned my lesson with this lady. I called a friend of mine who's child also was over there a lot and she said that she felt that mom took too many liberties with her child and even had taken her ds to what was supposed to be just dinner and ended up going to a movie afterward without asking and didn't have him home until 11:00 that night.

Ginny, I think you are right, my dd took advantage of the situation and I will talk with her about that.

Heidi, I love those phrases and will definitely use them!

Again, thanks everybody!!

By Crystal915 on Monday, March 20, 2006 - 04:10 pm:

Sandy, I think it all comes down to personality, this mom has a different way of handling things than you do. Some of us are schedulers and some aren't so the simple solution is to just communicate better next time. If it makes you feel any better, I'm big on schedules, and very protective. It's like when your DH is going to be late, you'd like a phone call so you don't worry!

By Sandysmom on Monday, March 20, 2006 - 05:23 pm:

Thank you Crystal!