I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so unfullfilled in my marriage. DH has been having depression issues for several years now. He has tried all sorts of medications and nothing is working. We live in a small area and don't have access to councillors. He would have to take more time off work, which he is not willing to do. We haven't made love in over 3 months. Sure, maybe I could put more effort in to getting that going but it seems pointless to make love when I feel so unconnected with him.

I don't know how long I can go on feeling so unhappy. We have two children so I keep going. At some point though, they will recognize how unhappy their mom is.

Thanks for letting me vent.

By Tripletmom on Thursday, March 16, 2006 - 02:31 pm:

I'm sorry you're going thru this.My DH and I went through the same thing 7yrs ago.For a period of time I felt like I was on pins and needles,which nobody should feel in there own home.My DH had some back surgery so I thought at first it was b/c of back pain and feeling misrable.How much time do you give the person? I wrote a list of pro/cons about my relationship with him and the pros won.I sat down and told my DH I wasnt happy anymore and didnt feel connected.I told him he needed to go the mds and get some antidepressants because I couldnt do it anymore.Depression runs in his family and I understood that and told him I would be by his side if he would help himself but wouldnt stay if he were to stay in denial.Well he got meds and only needed them for a short time and our relationship has never been better.Talk to him before you start not to like him anymore and do whatever you can to save youre marriage if thats what you want.I strongly suggest writing the pros/cons list it always helps me in any major decisions

By Crystal915 on Thursday, March 16, 2006 - 03:44 pm:

((((Anon)))) *If* you stay just for the children's sake, there is a good chance they will model their marriage after yours. DH and I had a discussion last night (not about our marriage, but some issues from his past that he needs to confront) and we both agree that if one or both parents are unhappy, it teaches the children that that is what life is like. In his case, it's things that he's bottled up for 20 years, but I asked him "Do you want our DS to grow up to act like that? Do you want our DD to marry someone who acts like that?" and it was a huge awakening for him. You need to ask yourself the same questions, I'm not saying leave the marriage, but if you have put in your very best effort and can't make your marriage work (which from the sounds of it, it's not working right now), you need to consider what's really best for the kids. (((((Anon))))) Sherri had good advice, I like lists too, and it may help you sort your feelings to make one.

By Bea on Thursday, March 16, 2006 - 04:17 pm:

Medications only help to stabilize you to do the work you need to do, to help depression. Without some form of counseling he won't have much chance to get better. It sounds as if he isn't the only one dealing with depression right now. I have a hard time believing that there is no professional help available. Please both of you get some counseling. It is very important.

By Kay on Thursday, March 16, 2006 - 04:21 pm:

If your small town does not have licensed counselors, what about a member of the clergy? You don't even have to be a member of a church to ask for help. Perhaps it would help having a third party help you sort things out. Good luck.

By Crystal915 on Thursday, March 16, 2006 - 05:11 pm:

Ditto Bea... that's where we are with DH and his childhood. He's on meds for OCD and anxiety, but he really needs to get counseling to battle the demons inside. The meds can only cover the symptoms at best, it's like taking a tylenol for a brain tumor.

By Conni on Thursday, March 16, 2006 - 05:19 pm:

(((HUGS Anon!!!))) I hope you get the help you are looking for soon.

By Feona on Thursday, March 16, 2006 - 06:36 pm:

I think the recommendations are meds and therapy. They work good together. Good luck.

By Breann on Thursday, March 16, 2006 - 08:22 pm:

I haven't read all the responses, but what about someone from your church? Or, any church for that matter. Most churches are very accomadating and have someone available around the clock. I'm sure they could meet with you on your dh's day off or after work or something.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, March 17, 2006 - 12:12 am:

The medications may not be right. DH took medications for depression for years and it turned out his condition was aggravated by the anti depressants. Turns out he wasn't telling the doctor the whole truth about his symptoms.

But in the case it is just depression.. It could still be the wrong drug for him. Many come with the symptom of sexual dysfunction. Might be time to try something else..

If you don't have counseling available who is prescribing your DH's medications?? Anti depressants can only be given at lower doses by a general physician.. General physicians also are not as educated in psychiatric medications and will often just give one of a couple of low dose medications, which might not be a high enough dose for your DH. Is he seeing a doctor of psychiatric medicine?

And lastly my DH and I have been together for almost 19 years. DH has gotten so bad that I have had to have him hospitalized 3 times. So mental illness is something I have dealt with in my daily life for a very long time now. My state of mind plays a big part in the way I deal with him.

Because I don't know you I will not assume things about you... But I suggest a serious soul searching session..

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, March 17, 2006 - 12:15 am:

Oh and staying together for the children is a bad move... A bad marriage will influence the relationships that your children get themselves into in their own lives.. You can not hide the truths from your children. You may think they don't know or won't know but they will..

By Anonymous on Friday, March 17, 2006 - 02:03 am:

Thanks for all the advice. Dh is currently taking one afternoon off a week to go to an axiety thing. It's a group thing and run by a mental health nurse. He was seeing a pscycholgist once a month to monitor his drugs but not for counselling. This doc was an hour away and has since moved. He has written out a plan of attack for his GP in terms of drugs but there isn't any other counselling going on.

He is a good man and a good father. He just seems to mope around all the time. There is no laughter or joy in our home anymore. Everything seems like an effort.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, March 17, 2006 - 02:21 am:

Therapy doesn't work for all people, least of all men. They are taught not to express themselves emotionally and therapy is about emotions.. So not having it isn't the end of the world. Dh did the therapy thing, I ended up having to tell several of the therapist how to do their job and DH's Psych took him out of therapy because it was having no affect other than to make him mad.. I could go on about that but I won't...

NOT saying therapy doesn't work.. Just saying for some it doesn't.

And contrary to popular belief psychologist do not do counseling. DH calls his, his drug dealer. Because we wait in the waiting room for about an hour to two hours and we are in and out of his office in less than 10 minutes just to get his fix for the next three months. Their job is to regulate your medication and monitor it. Therapist/counselors are trained to teach you to get "better" (that would imply that everyone else is sane, HA) You don't go see a Ob to have your nose looked at..

If you are walking around with it feeling like effort how do you expect it to turn around? Because it sounds like he is unable to get himself out of the funk at this point. You can't live around him? Is he all mope or is he nasty too??

I could ask more questions but I won't question you to death.. Happiness isn't all about him. If you can think you would be happier with out him, you can think that you can be happier with him around too. State of mind and beating our selves up only creates further problems.. I could also say more about that but I won't..

By Anonymous on Friday, March 17, 2006 - 10:11 am:

No, he's not nasty. He is a good man. We just don't have the fun as a family that we used to do. When I said about effort it was him I was referring to. I mean, he goes through the motions, like going to a hockey game with the kids. You just feel like he'd rather be anywhere but here, if you know what I mean.

By Crystal915 on Friday, March 17, 2006 - 01:46 pm:

Anon, that's the way my DH has been at times. He's a nice man, a good husband and father, but the issues inside of him sometimes pour over onto himself, and depress him. The key is CHOOSING to do therapy and be honest with the therapist. Bobbie had some excellent advice!!