How do you go about making "life changes?"
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive February 2006:
How do you go about making "life changes?"
I just got off the phone with a old friend of mine. This was likely one of the deepest conversations that I have had in a LONG time. We were talking about how you would go about making major changes in the way that you live your life. During this conversation, I realized that there are some changes that I would like to make too. I will say that hers are much more life altering than mine are, but I would still like some changes none the less. Do you think that it is all a state of mind, or do you feel that it requires the help of a counselor?? Most of the changes I would like to make, I think I could do it with just changing my attitude about some things. Hers though, I am not sure about. The big one for her is with her dh. She feels that she is falling out of love with him and wants to get that back. She says they are more like room mates than soul mates. can something like that be changed just with some deep soul searching and changing of attitude?? Is this all stuff that you can work out alone?? What are your thoughts and opinions and experiences with stuff like this??
Hey Vicki,
I was going to post this on the debate board.
Do people "fall out of love" or do they "allow themselves to fall out of love."
I used to believe that people fell out of love, but now that I'm older I believe people allow themselves to fall out of love for whatever reason.
I believe if you truly were in love when first married, marriage is work and you have to keep working at it. Sometimes you will work more at it than your husband and feel neglected (but hey it's your marriage you should work at it) and sometimes your spouse will work at it more than you (and they will feel neglected). And sometimes when that one moment of time there is blissful harmony you and your spouse know why you are working at it.
Anyway that was for the debate board, but I thought it sounded too stupid;)
I don't know maybe she should go to a marriage counselor and tell her spouse and see what and how he feels. We have a wonderful woman friend who is marriage counselor and she is really good at her job and helping people sort their feelings.
Life changes are always easy or wanted but sometimes they are for the best and wonderful when they happen
Once there was an elderly couple being interviewed on TV. They were celebrating 75 yrs of marraige or something incredible like that. When asked how they made it work for so long they replied 'We never fell out of love at the same time'... I thought that was neat.
As for making life changes, it seems to me like we get into ruts/habits and even having a certain attitude can be a habit. I think you just have to decide what you want to change and be concious of it. There are so many ways to help yourself create new habits. Journaling about it, reading self help books on topics that concern you, leave yourself notes (reminders on bathroom mirror, kitchen cabinet, frig door), tell someone that will hold you accountable, etc... You just have to relearn or retrain yourself in how you think, allow yourself to feel, and so on...
Thats all jmo. And you know I am no expert on anything. lol
I do agree a counselor could be helpful for your friend.
I'm quite tempted to post anonymously, but I'm pretty proud of the changes I've made in my life. I won't go into detail about how I came to be the person I was when I met my didn't-know-he-was-going-to-be-my-husband-when-I-met-him, but I was not a very good person, nor was I good company. If people who knew me then could meet me again, now, they would not believe I am the same being. What helped me change was a combination of things. Another person (my future husband), my desire to change, adjusting my attitude, making specific adjustments, and just doing a little at a time. So I guess to answer your question, it takes a combination of those things, either directly or indirectly. My husband didn't know he helped me change until we talked about it one day. He helped me indirectly. I also know that it's different for everyone. Some folks need a counselor (be it professional or just a friend) to bounce their thoughts and ask questions and get some guidance on their path to change. Change is hard. Just think of all those of us who make resolutions at the first of the year and falter.
I hope things work out for your friend.
Baby steps. That's all.
Congratulations. You have taken the first step.
How to make life changes? First, what is your goal? Long term and short term? You need to be clear in yourself (1) what it is you want to change about yourself, (2) why, and (3) whether it is a realisitic goal.
Second, as Crystal says, Baby Steps. Work out a plan - that old high-school outline system. Think of all the things you don't like about yourself and that don't feed into your goal. Try to break them down as much as possible. Then, set realistic short-term goals.
For example - I am a poor/lousy housekeeper (which is true) and I want to keep a neat, clean house. The goal is keeping a neat, clean house; you want to change because (1) I'll feel better about myself if you have a neat, clean house; or (2) my husband/housemate will stop complaining about the messy house, or (3) I'd like to have friends over and allow your children to have friends over but am embarassed (which was very much my issue), or (4), ????
Steps:
(1) I will start clearing the sink every night before I go to bed, putting all dirty dishes in the dishwasher, and washing the pots/pans that don't fit in the dishwasher. Put a chart on the frig (or a more private place, if you prefer), and mark off every night you achieve that goal. After a couple of weeks or maybe a month - but certainly only after you have met the goal consistently for at least two weeks, add another step - I will wipe off all the counters after I clear the dishes from the sink. Next step - I will sweep/dustmop the floor after I clear the sink and wipe off the counters (which is the only sensible way to do it, as wiping the counters can get stuff on the floor). Next step - I will thoroughly wipe down the kitchen counters, frig and stove, and mop the kitchen floor at least once/twice/three times a week (only you know how often this is necessary. If you keep this up, within about 3-4 months you should consistently have a fairly clean, neat kitchen pretty much daily. And then, pick the next area - I'd suggest the living room, starting with picking up every day after the kids are in bed, next step vacuuming every day, next step dusting/wiping (yes, I know, vacuuming should be done after dusting/wiping). (And, over time, it worked. I'm still not a great housekeeper, but I am much improved and can live with myself better.)
If you already keep a clean/neat house and something else is your goal, this still gives you a idea of how to plan.
The most important thing is, as Crystal says, baby steps. Set achievable daily/weekly goals. If you set your goals to high and don't meet them, you will only experience frustration and start to believe you can't do it. If your issue is how you interact with people or with one person, pick a couple of kinds of interactions and decide which is the easiest one for you to try to change, and work on that one first. Example, when I hear a loud noise in the other part of the house, instead of saying "Johnny, what did you do/break?", I will first say, "Is everyone alright?" and then ask "What happened?". If you are a yeller and don't want to yell, pick one situation in which you usually yell, try to figure out how to "see" that situation coming before it happens, and work at setting your mind to "I won't yell, I won't yell, I won't yell" - and at the same time, figure out how/what you will say/do instead of yelling. But, take only one situation at a time, and only add a new one when you think you've conquered the first one.
Do keep a chart. First, it helps you know how you're doing. Second, even if you have mistakes/failures to record, you will also have successes to record. And you can look at the mistakes/failures and try to figure out what happened so you can prevent it next time. Eventually, if you really do want to change, you will have a string of successes on one step, and will know it is time to add another step. Keep recording both steps, because you will probably continue to have successes in the first step while you are having some successes and some failures in the second step, and it will encourage you to see that you can have some successes in the second step while continuing to have success in the first step. And so on.
When you reach a goal - say, success for 4 weeks in three steps - celebrate. Reward yourself. Have a nice lunch out, buy something pretty, or whatever. And then, on to adding another step.
If you do this incrementally, you will be surprised at how much change you can accomplish in six months. If you try to do everything all at once, you will probably be setting yourself up for disappointment and failure.
Gosh, I'm long winded lately - even more long winded than usual. Maybe I should work at trying to edit myself better to make shorter posts.
As for your friend, if she really does want to revive her marriage - either counseling or there are probably a number of really helpful books that members here could recommend.
Do you need couseling? I don't know, and maybe you do. But if you don't need counseling (and I am thinking from the sounds of it you probably don't), maybe a supportive buddy. Someone you trust with whom you can talk about what you want to change, who can help you pick specific steps/short-term goals, and who can help remind you when you slip and help you analyze why you slipped. Someone who likes you just fine as you are but will understand and want to support your desire to change because it would be good for you, her(his) friend.
LOL Ginny, I wish that I did need to be a better housekeeper, you outlined a great plan!! My problem is pretty much the opposite. I need to let go more and just enjoy the moment. Instead of seeing the fun in things, I seem to see the work that it will cause me. I will say that I have never not let the fun go on, but I don't enjoy it near as much as I should. Example, I always used to let dd do play-doh and paint and all of that, but instead of just being silly and going with the flo, I was always worried about getting it on the carpet etc. She is too old for that now, but you get the idea. It is stuff like that I want to change. Just my general outlook on things and living my life and enjoying it more.
Does anyone have any books that they think would be good for my friend to read?? Maybe she and I can just be buddies in this and work through it together!! LOL As far as I know, they don't have any real "issues" in their marriage, but there could be a whole lot more to the story than she shared with me. You never know for sure.
Thanks for all the help so far ladies!!
Vicki,
Set one thing you want to change, and focus on that. Much like teaching a child, you focus until they have it down, then move to the next. You can do it!! As for the worrying/stressing the small stuff, have you read "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff"? You may want to talk to your doctor, that can be a sign of anxiety.
Conni, I heard the same statement on tv from that gentleman. I think that can be all too true.
I feel nearly everything in life is habit based. And with consistency things can change, that means for the better or worse. I think if you have fallen out of love, you can once again fall in love, it's the habits you have with your mate.
Books: For Your Friend: "The 5 Love Languages", been recommended here a lot and still is the best relationship book I've read.
For You: "Buddha Never Raised Kids and Jesus didn't drive Carpool": 7 principles to parenting with soul. This is a GREAT book on really being in the moment with parenting, and it translates alot into different areas of your life. The reading is entertaining and educational
I don't think you need counseling unless it is a huge interpersonal change like leaving an abusive spouse or dealing with guilt or something along those lines. Part of it is habit and a true desire to change, but personally I wouldn't have been able to make any significant life changes without my faith. Since this is not the debate board and it's a touchy subject with some, I will leave it at that, but in high school I was a materialistic, selfish, self-absorbed brat and I'm still evolving, but have come a loooong way.
I've been mulling about this. If I hear you correctly, you do let the fun happen, but you don't enjoy it because you are thinking of the probable and potential consequences and the what-ifs, or maybe the "useful" things you could be doing. Is that a fairly accurate understanding?
How about a "fun jar"? Like a job jar, but for fun. Your dd, and dh if he wants to, and you if you want to, puts pieces of paper with fun things to do in the jar and on Saturday or Sunday someone picks, and you all do it (and you promise yourself to just go with the flow and enjoy it). Protect yourself and make some groundrules, like - if it makes a mess it has to be a mess that can be cleaned up in 15 minutes after we're done and *everyone* helps clean up; it can't cost more that $X; it can't be more than X miles/hours from home; or whatever it takes to make you comfortable. But when your dd or you picks, you do it - no buts, or this is a good ideas, or anything else, as long as it meets the preset rules. And work at having fun. I know, that sounds contradictory. But work at identifying and stopping negative thoughts when they come into your head or countering them with positive thoughts. They may be perfectly logical thoughts, but they have nothing to do with having fun in the moment. Work at finding something about the experience that you enjoy.
It's hardly spontaneous, but it could be a start.
Yes Ginny, that is correct. I do still let the fun happen and always have. I reconized this issue about myself years ago and always made sure I didn't stand in the way of letting the fun happen. A more current example is dd wanting to play in the snow. When she wants to do that, my mind instantly goes to dragging all the stuff out, getting her all layered up and then unlayered so she can go to the bathroom, then all the wet clothes laying around etc etc etc. And your also correct that when I am involved in the "fun" things, my mind also can go to the laundry that I should be doing, or something else that I could be doing that would be a better use of my time.
Thanks for your suggestions. I think I am going to check into the book you mentioned Kym. Sound like just what I need!!
I'm only answering the original post as I haven't read all the rest of them. I think we can't really answer the question about the life changes you want to make because there is not enough information. If changes involve others, like in your friends case, I don't believe one person can do it. The parties involved all must want to make a change for it to work long term. Has your friend talked to her husband about the way she feels? Does he feel they have fallen out of love also? I don't really believe a husband and wife fall out of love, I think they start prioritizing things as "more important" that their relationship. And then over time, it seems as though they have fallen out of love. I personally feel that no matter what, your relationship with your significant other should come first, even before children. It gives your kids a stable relationship that they can base their own relationships on it the future. I am not worried about the little things in life for my kids, but I do want to give them the tools so they too can choose a happy and healthy relationship in the future.
Also whether or not you need a counselor depends on your personality. Some people really do need others around telling them they are doing great and the right thing to make changes. Some people can just wake up one day and say "From now on I...." and stick to it and from that day on will have changed. Both have good and bad points. It might be very difficult for the first kind of person to make changes, and if left to themselves they may not finish their goals, however this kind of person will most likely build up a strong support group in the process which is great. The second kind of person may be too bold and possibly hurt peoples feelings in the process because they are so focused on their goal. However this kind of person almost ALWAYS will meet a goal they set. I'm guilty of being the second kind of person, I almost ALWAYS meet a goal I set with few problems, but there might be some bulldozing that happens in the process that I don't see until I've reached my goal. Each kind of person just has to understand which kind of person they are and watch for the pitfalls of it when making a big change.
Groove
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