A sticky family situation
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive December 2005 :
A sticky family situation
I'm going anon on this since it is about sensitive family issues.
This is mostly a vent, but feel free to offer any advice or insight you may have...
My db proposed to his gf on Christmas Eve and they are expecting their first child next year. I love my future sil, she is beautiful inside and out, and I am so excited about the baby I can hardly contain myself, but because my future sil is of mixed race there is a family issue, namely that my paternal grandfather is very racist and can be quite ugly when it comes to people who are not white. He does not know about the gf or the expected baby and my father does not want him to know because he, meaning my father, will never hear the end of it from my grandfather. My future sil's race and/or skin color doesn't matter one bit to me or my immediate family, but my grandfather is going to blow a gasket because my db is the last of the family name and if he has a boy that child will be the last in the line, but he will also be of mixed race and my grandfather will probably disown my db and not accept his gf or his child.
I want to tell the world that I am going to have a wonderful sil and I'm going to be an aunt, but my dad has requested that I never tell anyone on his side of the family. I keep in touch through email with one of my cousins and I have not mentioned the baby yet because I've been waiting until my future sil reaches 12 weeks to say anything, but now I'm not "allowed" to say anything ever in the hopes of keeping my grandfather in the dark. To me this is unrealistic. You can't keep a sil and a baby secret forever and in my thinking, when it is discovered it will look like my family is ashamed because of my future sil's and of the baby's racial background. I am really irritated by being told to keep quiet, for stupid reasons IMO, about things I'm really happy about. If my grandfather is going to act like a jerk then who needs him. I know that my father is just trying to protect my db, his future dil and grandchild, and himself, but I don't think this is the way to do it. However, the only thing I can do is either respect my father's wishes and say nothing, or go against his wishes and not keep the baby a secret. Ugh! What a miserable mess all because of one mean old man!
Well, I think it is absolutely absurd to be keeping the fact that your db is engaged. At some point there will be a wedding and your grandfather will see it then or wonder why he wasn't invited.
The message that your father is sending to your future sil is that the family is ashamed of her, even if it's not your immediate family.
This is your grandfather's problem, not yours or the rest of your family. He needs to get over it.
Unfortunately, many of the *older* generation have that attitude about the *color line*. And also unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change their opinions.
My grandparents on both sides were like that. My mom did not raise us to feel that way, and it was quite embarrassing to bring friends around my grandparents' home because I never knew what my grandfather would come out with. He used the *N* word freely; we were taught to NEVER use that word. I had friends of difference races, cultural backgrounds and different sexual preferences. I was very open minded in choosing my friendships and chose my friends based on who they were and what kind of person they were, not on their skin color, religion or sexual orientation.
As for keeping secrets, secrets like that in a family end up being very hurtful and harmful. For one thing, there is NO WAY this secret can be kept for any length of time!
I feel badly for your DB and future SIL and their child, and for you, for being asked to keep it a secret.
So much love and joy will be missed because of the prejudice and the secrecy.
I have no advice for you, because I have no idea how to change someone's mind when they feel so strongly about something like that. The best I can offer to you is to be as close and supportive as you can to your DB and his soon-to-be wife and their child, and let them know they are loved and accepted just as they are.
Well, unlike you, I would have told my Dad exactly what I thought about his attitude. LOL In a tactful way of course. This is the yr 2005 isnt it??? It's silly.
Grandpa wont be around forever and I hate to see a relationship between fil/dil messed up because of this. That might be what happens- she will get wind of this and then she will be a tad bit bitter...
Ditto Karen on the being supportive of them and their new baby.
Dad's reasons are selfish and I hope he doesnt ruin a good thing because of Grandpa... My Grandparents have accepted alot of things that we never thought they would.
Good luck!
I agree, it's unrealistic and unkind to keep it a secret. I always try to put myself in the other persons shoes. In this case I think it would be tragic to make a newcomer to the family feel so unwelcomed. She will probably be around a lot longer than the grandpa and in the end you know he will find out anyway. It's hard enough to be a new addition to a family and once she finds out EVERYONE was in on the lie I can assure you she will alienate herself, her family, and feel betrayed. Which she would have every right to. Here's my somewhat bold advice. Sounds like your father needs to buck up and be a man to his father, and you need to stand up for what you think is right also. Hasn't your brother told her of this grandfather? I'm sure this isn't the first time she has encountered racial prejudice and she will come through just fine. Be honest. Let your brother and his fiance know you will stand up for them no matter what and that you think the whole schemeing is ridiculus! All you can change is YOUR actions. If every one else wants to lie and scheme that's up to them. You are responsible for you. And just think, if you stood up for your brother and told your Dad that he was being illogical, your father would no longer ask you to do stupid things like this. And remember... my favorite saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Merely intending to do good, without actually doing it, is of no value.
 Groove
Now, how in the world is this going to be kept a secret? Pregnancies become evident, eventually, and if they get married, obviously that won't be a secret, either.
My cousin married a man of another race and then they adopted a biracial child. I have no problem with that.
I would have hated being told to keep that a secret, too.
In reading these posts, I had a thought (yes, it sometimes happens!). Everyone is catering to Grandpa, who is one (albeit vocal) person. As a result, his prejudice is being allowed to survive to yet another generation...by keeping silent, everyone is "endorsing" his disapproval. What would it be like if everyone BUT Grandpa was welcoming, happy and inclusive about this baby and his parents? Let Grandpa bluster and carry on, no one else pays him any attention. The child gets old enough to realize that Grandpa has a problem, but it's no one else's problem (as opposed to "gee, there must be something wrong with me if everyone is keeping me a secret"). The only way to get rid of such prejudices is by exposing them. As hard as it may be, I think you should NOT honor the request to remain silent, and nip this unhealthy thing in the bud. It won't be easy.
I'm still horrified!
Just want to say that I agree with Alyssa:
"In this case I think it would be tragic to make a newcomer to the family feel so unwelcomed. She will probably be around a lot longer than the grandpa and in the end you know he will find out anyway. It's hard enough to be a new addition to a family and once she finds out EVERYONE was in on the lie I can assure you she will alienate herself, her family, and feel betrayed. Which she would have every right to."
That is *one* of the things I meant above when I said secrets like that are hurtful. And IMO, that would be one of those *big* hurts, that would take a lot of time to heal, and it may possibly never heal. And that will affect their marriage, their lives and their child's life.
Perhaps you SHOULD stand up to your dad and tell you how you feel about this, and point all of these things out that we've all discussed here. This is FAMILY you are talking about. This is who your brother loves. This is the mother of his child. The color of your skin does not pre-determine what kind of person you are. Who you are is what's inside of you. Your DB could have fallen in love with the most *white bread* girl in the world, and she could be a horrible wife and mother and a terrible person.
I'm rambling, I know, but I can't help myself.
Janet expressed my exact feelings! Your future sil is going to be hurt, but think of how this poor child is going to feel when s/he is old enough to realize what went on. Everyone needs to stand up to Grandpa. Don't necessary make an issue of it, but carry on as if she and the baby are any other person, and live life normally. Let Grandpa spew or whatever. When no one listens or agrees, or pays any attention to him, maybe he will tire of talking to himself and let it go.
But definitely don't keep them a secret. That's leading to nothing but pain.
Is your brother and SIL wanting to keep it quiet or is this your dad's idea? How close is everyone to each other logistically? How close is grandpa to passing?
It's really not your place to tell any of them about your brother and SIL's plans no matter what the situation. It's their big news to tell anyway. It should be their choice to tell or not to tell. When I had to tell my grandparents I was pregnant and not married at age 31, they were disgusted and I told them to have a nice life. Their reaction wasn't a surprise to me. I wasn't hurt. They are who they are. (or "were" as they are both dead now) It's not that big a deal. We are all individuals living our lives. I would support whatever brother and SIL wanted to do because it's their story. No matter what your dad thinks or grandpa thinks.
I think it is way better to tell now. We had a family friend who kept it a secret that his wife was mixed. She didn't look mixed and you probably would not have known it if you hadn't seen her father. I don't really know how his family would have reacted they were not really given the chance. The marriage was pretty bad from the get go. But I don't think lying to everyone helped either. My parents being best friends with them for years they felt like they had to explain the situation when they arrived. We personally could have cared less what color she was. I just remember that we all thought it was just abusrd that they waited until that day and said nothing. That made it very ackward. So my opinion it shouldn't be kept secret. Secerets only do more harm then good. But I also agree that it should be what your ds and dil want.
|
Members
