No vacation for moms.... do you ever feel bummed?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive December 2005 :
No vacation for moms.... do you ever feel bummed?
Hi there -
I was talking with my dh last night and mentioned that I was a little bummed that he gets to take 2 weeks off from work and that as a mom/housewife I don't get the same luxury. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom to a 2 yo and getting to stay home and take good care of him and the house, etc. It is just a mental adjustment to know that (esp. since I'd like another) that there is no end in sight - I might be able to take an occaisional weekend away, but the chores are always there and my sweet ds will need me for a long time to come!
Anyway, my dh was very offended and said that I should be happy for him and proud that he can take this time off. I am - I guess I wasn't supposed to say that I'm a little jealous. He is more than willing to help out with the house/ds when he is off. I think I was getting frustrated b/c he kept mentioning all the activities/day trips/overnight trips he'd like to do in the next 2 weeks, and me, the ever practical one, was envisioning all my weekly chores being smushed into fewer and fewer days...packing for a last minute trip (me, ds, get house ready, laundry done, etc., finding care for our 3 pets...) My dh thinks I am being selfish and that I never want to go anywhere or break out of the routine. I don't agree with the selfish part, but yes, sometimes trips and very busy weeks DO stress me out!!!!
I could go on and on about this subject... but what I really want to know is:
Do you ever feel this way?
Do you ever express it to your partner and what is their reaction?
I hate when he calls me selfish - I am working my #$#$% off to keep all this mom/housewife stuff working - and I love the mommy stuff!!!!
Thanks for listening!
Amy
I feel this way, too sometimes and I love staying home, too. I do tell Dh about it, but he's supportive. He always agrees that it's hard to get a vacation as a SAHM. If I had some close girlfriends to go away for the weekend with, he would encourage it, but I just don't. I do visit my sister about 5 hrs. away at times for the weekend, and he doesn't mind a bit.
He's very helpful around the house and spends more time with dd when he's off or home in the evenings than I do. We're together or he's with her. I'm with her all day so I'm more than happy to let him take over and he loves it.
I also look at this way though - Dh works full time AND does things around the house AND puts in more than his fair share with our dd so....I don't think he necessarily *really* gets time off either, you know? He doesn't go on trips at all though, doesn't travel for his job, and his outings with friends are just a few hours.
Both jobs are hard (out of the home and SAHM) for both partners, and I just think both people have to realize it and respect it. I think my job is easier than his, but the hard part about it is that it's 24hrs. a day. At least he gets to have some variety in his jobs between work, house stuff, and dd. I definitely feel the same as you do at times,and then I whine to dh about it and he'll say "Okay...whose stopping you from call K and going here or there? You need to get out" and I'll remember that I CAN, I just don't always do it!
Plus, I don't see dd as my full-time job (with regard to daily needs) for a long time. She'll be my full-time job until I go back to teaching in about 4years and then dh and I will both have full-time jobs again and a HOUSEKEEPER!!!
I do know how you feel, but I'm guilty of simply NOT making the time or effort to go do things on my own. My dh is home for 2 weeks over Christmas and I've made some plans for myself while he's here and really looking forward to it.
Well, the chores will be there when you get back. Enjoy the time away with your family and let it go.
I can tell you with a child with 2 semesters left in college it has gone by way too fast.
I can't count the times I wish I could take a "mental health day"! The ONLY day off I have had in almost four years was the day after my daughter was born. I was in a hospital that was like a hotel. My parents and husband were caring for my son and I told the nurses to leave my daughter in the nursery. Heartless, I know. But I honestly told them that this was the first day off I was going to have in three years and I didn't know when I'd get another.
Luckily it was an easy birth and I felt great. I could have gone home, but I wasn't going to. I left word with the nurses that no one was to wake me, that I wanted to sleep in.
And what did I do? Just that. I slept in, took a very long spa shower - I'd brought smelly stuff to enjoy.
Then relaxed with a book for a while.
It didn't last long, because I felt compelled to go get my daughter from the nursery, but it was a few hours of bliss.
So, sure, I feel that way a lot. But I've also found little places in the day to carve out time for me. I do my routine work. Then when my little one goes down for a nap, I usually work out.
I make the effort to sit with a cup of tea for a few minutes a day and read or catch up on my net friends.
I don't get whole days off, but my mini vacations make it much more bearable.
Hang in. You're not alone.
Ame
Anything that strays from the routine is stressful on a stay at home mom. I remember planing for trips to mil's and having to do everything here and getting there and doing all the cooking and cleaning so she wasn't being "put out" by our conversion on her house. LOL Very stressful. And I can also say that my DH didn't get it until I went to work for a while and then he got a full does of what it was like to have to plan your whole being around the needs of everyone else first. He had had no clue... He thought I had had it lucky, had visions of watching TV and taking naps. Boy was my world a major reality slap for him.
Anyway, Hugs... You will have plenty of time to catch up.. Just go and enjoy the time away from the routine.. It kind of makes me applicative of the routine when I get back...
First of all, you have a 2 yo...so let me start by saying God Bless You and it WILL get better. LOL I remember feeling like I was going to have a nervous breakdown when my children were 2. ha They NEVER stopped moving, were into everything. There really was never a moment of peace until they went to bed at night. Some people have perfect 2 yo-- but this Mom can sympathize with the Mom's that have very *busy* 2 yo's... Maybe yours is busy too?
I now have a 5yo that NEVER stops talking. I mean lately there have been days when I was almost in tears because he will NOT hush... It drives me crazy. And he now talks back and tries to argue or make excuses for what himself. Aghh!!!
In answer to your question... YES, I have certainly had the same thoughts and feelings as you. Everyone on the board knows by now that my particular dh is not very sympathetic to me being home. lol He is getting a little better. But he use to act like I was on permanent vacation and I basically wasnt allowed to complain about the life of luxury he provides me with... So for a long time I quit confiding in him. I just call a friend that *gets it* or my sisters. I wouldnt change what I do at this point. I do LOVE being home with my children and being available to them 24/7. My children are old enough now to tell you that they love this too. When school is out- I am here. When they get sick, I am here. I take them to all appt's. I am there for all the programs they have at school, etc... Just being here before and after school is so nice. During the summer I get to play with my kids all summer! I love summer time. I have a teenager that is scared I'll go back to work and then no one will be here for him. lol That would never happen (whether I am working outside the home or not, i will always make sure i am available for my kids).
Here are a few things I did to make sure I got out of the house with no kids and got a break. (and yes YOU DO NEED A BREAK and YES its OK to admit that!!) I know you didnt ask for ideas, but sometimes I think its good to remind ourselves all the things we *can* do as sahm's...
When Blake was 2 yo I signed him up for Mothers Day Out 1 day a week. I liked it so much I signed him up for 2 days a week! By the time he was 4yo he was in preschool 4 mornings a week. Now he is 5 yo and goes to a pre K (or Bridge K class as its called here) 5 mornings a weeks... At first my dh complained about paying for this. Especially when Blake was sick and missed days that we had to pay for anyway... I learned to ignore my dh's comments and do what I needed to do regardless. Now 3 yrs later- dh just pays for it and doesnt complain.
While Blake was in MDO- I would go to my gym and work out. I really enjoyed this time and need to get back in this routine. I felt much better when I was working out! My attitude in general was better. lol
I joined a Bunko group and played once a month for 2 yrs. Until a class at the community college interfered with my Bunko night. Then I dropped out and never went back to playing. It was a FUN 2 yrs. Got me out with other ladies for a few hours.
I have friends that scrap once a week- I keep saying I am going to that. Havent had time yet! Maybe there is a group in your area that you could get together with?
I take classes at the community college on and off. I LOVE taking classes. I end up making friends and I am learning at the same time. Never stop learning... I'd like to take a sewing class next and I am also interested in taking a Real Estate class. (actually looking at taking the January class if we can swing it financially after Christmas.) This Fall I took an obedience class with my dog. Every Monday night for 8 weeks. Lots of fun!! I havent been able to make it to the advance class with her tho- as every week we have either been out of town or had something going on at school, or had someone sick, etc... So I am thinking of trying to start her in January after Christmas has come and gone. These things give me something to look forward too! They also give me something to talk about other than snotty noses and poopy diapers.
My dh left this morning for yet *another* trip. I am not exactly happy he left the week before Christmas. But what can I say... He is going to travel any chance he gets for work. He loves it. So that makes it even more important for me too be out of my box making sure I am finding and doing things I enjoy other than being a Mom/wife. I really am kind of a single Mom in alot of ways...
Oh another thing I did (and i know not everyone can do this)... I have a large home and live with 4 guys, 3 dogs, cat, fish and lots of neighbor boys. I got to a point where I couldnt find time to scrub the house like I should be able too. I could get it all picked up and decluttered and then would have other things to do... Never getting it scrubbed. So I hired a cleaning lady that comes every other Thursday. She works for my neighbor so I didnt have to look too far to find her. lol My dh actually said he was surprised I didnt hire one SOONER???!!! He doesnt have to lift a finger in the house (as far as cleaning- he does alot of repairs tho and does outdoor stuff). The kids help with their rooms/bathroom/dishes/laundry/etc... So we spend every other week getting the house completely cleaned up so she can come in and scrub it. Its quite a weight off my shoulders. The kids are always asking why we have to clean the house so the cleaning lady can clean? ha! I do try to scrub it the week she doesnt come- but sometimes we are gone and that doesnt happen.
Vent away!! I am always on here venting about something. Your dh is being a little insensitive...
Try to plan for when he has his vacation and schedule a family vacation for that time. Then you will not have last minute planning, and you can enjoy things yourself.
My husband gets two weeks off. We start planning, and paying, for our June beach vacation in January. We send in money a little at a time to pay for the room, and save the entire time for while we are there.
With maid service for a week, you can either eat out, or share kitchen duties with hubby, and you will be enjoying a vacation, too.
If you do things this way, you can get good deals on hotel rooms, and have plenty of time to save money.
We are a very limited income family, I am physically disabled, and receive a very small Social Security check, but we are able to manage by planning well.
It's time for YOU to enjoy vacation time, too!!!
Oh and ditto the getting ready for trips being stressful. I forgot about that part of your post!
For example, last month when we went to Florida for Thanksgiving... All my dh has to do is get himself ready to go. I had kids to do shopping, laundry, ironing, packing for. Hair appts before vacation. yadda yadda yadda... I was tired before we ever left. So, I think we can all relate to that. Was the trip worth it- YES!!! But I love to travel.
Oh and one more thing- dh and I try to plan atleast 1 trip per yr without the kids. We didnt start doing this until Blake got a little older. Even if its just a business trip that I tag along on. It is nice for me to sleep in and do what I want all day and not worry about kids, cooking, cleaning, etc... Even when we go on a trip like this I am the one that makes arrangements for the kids, animals, house, etc... Dh never has to worry about any of that. So it is work to get some time off. lol But its worth it.
Can you tell I have had 3 cups of coffee? heehee I am going to move on to another post now. LOL
Thanks ladies - It is good to know I'm not alone!!! I'm going away alone for a weekend in January - to a family wedding and my dh and ds will be together for a weekend. This is the first time I've left my ds and I think it will be good for all of us - and perhaps give my dh more of an appreciation for what it takes to keep up w/ everything!
Sincerely,
Amy
My big pity party right now is having to work 1/2 day on Christmas eve and a 12 hr day on Christmas day. And my ds and his gf will be here from SC just for the weekend. Dh is off work from Christmas eve thru New Years Day. My family will go to church without me Christmas morning and I want to cry.
Getting somebody to cover my shift is not an option. I already tried. No sympathy.
Where do you work, Imamommy? I used to work at a hospital and I had to work every other Christmas. One year, we had to get a babysitter for the girls, on Christmas Day, since DH had to work, too. I'm glad I work at a place that is closed on Christmas, now.
I wouldnt say I feel bummed by this. I mean I love being a sahm. But with that said, doesnt mean I dont get stressed and wish I had more free time. In the reality, I do get alot of time to myself. My older 2 are in school all day, and Faith naps twice a day. Sometimes I dont use nap times wisely, meanly sometimes Im right here on the computer instead of cleaning..oops..but thats ok. We go on one family vacation a year, and we plan for that a yr in advance. We dont do weekends away. Meaning, I dont do any girls only weekends, and he doesnt do any men only weekends, and we dont do weekends or vacations without the kids. But, my husband is good about giving me time to myself. So if need some time alone to destress, he takes the kids downstairs. He also is very helpful around the house, so Im not really doing everything.
Sometimes when he takes a day off of work, and stays at home soley to work on his car, well that just ticks me off LOL...
This will be a temporary feeling. A lot of it is due to your child's age. They get older and start having playdates (age 4 for mine) and going to MDO or preschool and then regular school and you end up with lots of breaks. My son, 11, spends entire weekends with other families going out of town or he'll spend entire days playing with kids and then the other mom will call asking if he can stay longer.
Age 2 and 3 though are tough. No doubt about it. Traveling with a 2 or 3 year old makes me tired just thinking about it. Traveling with a 5+ year old is a breeze.
Ditto Mommmie. It is a tough, needy, emotional, tantrummy age. It does get better. I am not a SAHM mom anymore, I work 20 hrs/week and am a full-time student, but I still do have days alone at home with the kids in school. DH and I are both off on Fridays and the kids are at school so that's usually a fun day for us just to enjoy each other. That said, once my boys were weaned (I breastfed for a year), I typically go for a weekend away with friends or family once or twice a year. DH has gone on fishing and camping trips with his guy friends also, as well as to conferences and retreats. I think it is good to have time away with friends or by oneself just to remember who YOU are apart from hubby and kids. DH and I also go away on a long weekend getaway alone at least once a year and a big weeklong trip every 5th anniversary.
At the very least I would encourage you to dialogue and talk with your DH about this. If he could regularly give you a Saturday to sleep in, go out to eat and to a movie with friends, to the library, get a massage, whatever, you will find that it makes you a better wife and mother because you're batteries will be recharged and you'll feel so much better.
And vacations are generally stressful in the getting-ready stage, but once you are on the road or in the air you can just let your worries go. That gets easier as they get older too!
Good luck!
Oh Amy I am right there with you. I have two children under the age of 2 and I'm still breastfeedng one of them.
I think what someone mentioned above is right, it won't be forever. Once your child is a little older you will have more time for youself.
I get frustrated with DH sometimes as well. I tell him "At least you get to go out for lunch everyday". I feel like I never get a break. He also travels for work so even though that can be tiring at least he gets a chance to go to the gym and sit in hotel room in peace and quiet.
He encourages to go out and do things, but sometimes it's just not worth the hassle, but that's only because I'm breastfeeding right now.
DH gets up on the weekends at 7:00 am and takes both kids and lets me sleep, although that's not always easy with a toddler in the house, but he has even taken them both out of the house so I can rest. It really helps so much. He makes breakfasts and lunchs on the weekends and cleans up the kitchen and takes Matt swimming.
I did say to him yesterday "I need a vacation" and his response was "Don't we all". He'll be off work for the next 2 weeks. Oh well, I think it's all a matter of perspective.
Hang in there Chickie, it will get better. I think going away on your own will do you some good and your DH, perhaps he will get a better understanding what it means to care for a child 24/7.
|
Members
