Sad about money situation
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Sad about money situation
I feel I have to post "anon" on this. Our money situation is so embarassing ....
I just had to cancel(and request our deposit)our vacation for next year. It was actually a family thing, where a bunch of reletives were going. We simply can not afford it. It was stupid of me to let me believe my husband on this matter. I do not work. I do babysit for some children in the area(Not on a regular basis),and I try to save some of that money. That money is not nearly enough. My husband said we could use our tax money to pay for our trip. The tax money would cover maybe 90% of the trip itself, not the airfare, not spending money etc...I couldnt possibly save that much money.
We never have any money. Saying we live paycheck to paycheck is an understatement. My kids are not in anything extra that cost money(no sports teams, no dance/gymnastics etc...I mostly buy stuff at thrift stores or yard sales. Our bills are just more then we can handle. We do not have any car payements. I dont know how we would survive with car payments. We both drive used cars.
We go out to eat once a week, it use to be much more. I pack my kids lunch everyday, I do not give them lunch money.I know its both our faults we spend so much money. Luckily we have a line of credit, so normally we do not bounce checks. This month we bounced 4 checks. Im so ashamed of this.
Im not happy in my marriage, so this makes everything 10 times worse. I told my husband we need to sell this house, and move into an apartment or a small townhouse.Its not that our house is huge or new(Its probably 40 yrs old). He thinks this is a stupid idea. My thinking is, our house has gone up in value SO much. We could make alot of money on this. Although I do realize a house is a good investment. On the other hand, Im a realist. I think sell the house, make money, rent somewhere, and start a new.. Pay off all bills(we only have one credit card which has around 1500$)get current on all household bills and start new. He keeps telling me I live in a dreamworld, and that is not a good idea. Heck, I dont even want to be in this marriage. I "try" for the sake of the kids. I finally told him, then "sell the house, split the profits, and me and the kids would go our separate ways."(In reality, that is exactly what I want to do). I dont think he knows how serious Iam.
Im trying to suggest realistic things to get us out of this mess. Our mortgage is about 1000$ a month, combined with the normal monthly bills. Working is not an option for me. Im not qualified to do anything, and could never afford daycare. I did promise myself my kids would never be in daycare anyways.
Money is a big stress for me. Then cancelling the trip makes me want to cry ...Im so depressed right now.
Why are money issues so stressful?
Thank you for letting me vent.
I am sorry that you are having a hard time.
I am going to say something you may not like, but if you are in the hole every month why are you going out to eat once a week? When we were in this kind of situation we all tightened our belt. If I couldn't afford to buy diapers, then pop wasn't bought. If I couldn't give my kids the necessities then the luxuries, like eating out, were simply not bought either.
If you can I would suggest getting a job for after your dh gets home from work, then the kids wouldn't be in daycare. Saying you don't have any qualifications is an excuse, you can always try to work at McDonalds or WalMart.
If you are truly unhappy in your marriage then "doing it for the kids", is only doing your entire family a disservice.
Go to credit counseling & have them teach you the correct way to pay your bills so that you have a little left over each month.
I am sorry if this seems harsh. I have been where you are, believe me I know how stressful it is.
Let me just say that money issues are always stressful and everyone has them at some point or another, so just know that you're not alone by any means!
Having said that, if you're "in the hole" every month than you and your dh need to sit down and REALLY look at what you need to cut out on a monthly basis. You will probably be surprised once you sit down and write down everything that you spend money on in a month and exactly how much it costs. (Use past bills to help you, keep track of your spending, whatever you need to do to get a realistic idea of spending)
If your house is really above your means than I think moving might be a good idea for you, but only you know your whole situation.
I agree with Emily7 about getting a job in the evenings if possible. I understand completely that you don't want to put your kids in daycare. If you're unhappy in your marriage and want to get out, then you need to get an education of some kind so that you can support your children and live on your own. Yes, getting an education will take time away from your kids, but in the long run everyone will benefit.
Sorry that you are going through this. I think $ can cause some of the worse stresses in a marriage, and like I said, everyone's been there at some point, whether for a fleeting moment in time or years. Best of luck to you 
Have you tried counseling? You are supposed to work hard to stay in a marriage before you call it quits.
I would get a second mortgage on the house and go to school and learn a skill.
Else you will be in the same place without the husband.
Actually statistics are you will be poorer without your husband. You can read the statistics if you look on the internet.
He doesn't have any money so your alimony will be very little. Plus you can never count on anyone but yourself. People are notorious for not paying child support and alimony.
My friend house went up in value to a million dollars from 300,000. They take second mortgages all the time. I wouldn't do it but what is really the worst thing that can happen? They can lose the house? They can't afford the house anyway. Life is short and then you are dead so who cares?
You should make a list of all the good things you husband does for you too. Money is the biggest reason people get divorces.
Well, I think selling the house and trying to start over would probably be a mistake. At least you have equity in the house. Renting is not a good option because rents increase every year.
Why are you so unhappy with your DH? Why do you want to leave him so badly? Sorry if I'm being nosy or personal.
I have BTDT, and I can tell you from personal experience, single parenting is HARD. And I have a job, I've been working since I was 16. Also, my X was making decent money when we split, and I got child support from him. As much of a jerk as he's been about many things, he did pay the child support for the specified time, with the exception of 3-4 months when he was out of work one year. And it was still tough, and he certainly did not contribute to any *extras*. You have health insurance to consider too - who will cover the kids on health insurance if you leave?
Two households will definitely be more expensive to maintain than one. If you are barely making ends meet now, it will be doubly hard if you separate. If you sell your house and split the money, that money will not last forever. What will you do when it's gone??
If your income is that low, you might possibly qualify for grants if you want to go to school. I think I'd consider checking into that before doing anything else.
If you are determined to end your marriage, you'd be much better off if you are prepared and can earn a living. It doesn't sound like you can do that right now.
I too am sorry you are having these troubles, but I don't necessarily think that selling your house and splitting up will solve them.
http://www.civitas.org.uk/pubs/experiments.php?PHPSESSID=04a5571963443f82281d8c0bd4332322
There are some things to think about before you do anything.
I think Karen is right about the grants for school. That is a better idea than getting a second mortgage. I would make getting a trade a priortiy.
I know you are sad and depressed. When you feel that way it is impossible to think rationally and make good choices.
You need to take a step back. Go for a walk if you can, see if you can get someone to stay with the kids for a few hours and go have olunch with a friend, do something that will clear your head and make you feel better.
Then, really talk to your husband about the money situation. As the others have suggested, sit down together and write every expense. See where you can tighten. If your house has gone up so much, then by all means take out a small home equity line of credit. You will be able to pay off all your bills, have a bit of a cash cushion, and feel a little less stressed.
Now, the secret after you do that, is to live like you don't have that money. Live on the budget you've made.
Your idea of selling the house is not practical. If you sell, where will you go? Rents go up, housing prices are through the roof ... Yet a home equity will give you the same result as having sold your house without the downside.
As far as your marriage goes, it's very hard to be happy when you are under financial stress and very easy to blame your husband, hence easier to say that you want out. Out isn't going to solve your problems.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Don't try to make any decisions while you are upset.
Ame
Financial problems are one of the leading causes of marriage breakups. I think you need to take some of the above advice. If you are bouncing checks you need to stop going out to eat and even though you don't want to, either you need to get a job or your dh needs to work a second job. There are a lot of things you can do that will bring in an income, do not require a lot of skill and can be done around your dh's work schedule. You may not have to do it forever, but it looks like you have to do it for now.
I guess I will be the odd duck out. I think that selling your house is a great idea. That is, of course if you do certain other things as well. It sounds like you have tons of equity in the house. If you could sell it and get rid of all your bills and NOT start the credit trap again, it could work. That takes allot of team work and dedication on your and your dh's part though. Team work would be very important. You have to be willing to start from scratch and use cash for everything. I am sure that you could find an apartment for less than your paying for your house payment. SAVE SAVE SAVE!! You can't start taking your new found money and spending it on things you don't need. Once you have a nice nest egg in savings, then you can buy a few "toys" as long as it is in cash. You can save a nice down payment on another house too!
Are you current on your mortgage payments?? If you keep your house, you need to make sure that you pay that every month with out fail and not late. If you fall behind on your motgage payments, you run the risk of foreclosure. Houses that are forclosed upon usually sell for a fraction of the value of them. If you keep the house and have it taken away from you, you will not get even close to what you could get if you sell it yourselves now. Heck, if they let it go low enough, you could be responsible for the difference!
I will disagree with some of the posters above. If you live in an area where your mortgage payment is $1,000, I would be very surprised if you can rent a place you would live in (i.e., at least 3 bedrooms) for much under $1,000 a month.
But Vicki is right - if you are not current with your mortgage payments, much better that you sell the house than have it foreclosed.
It sounds to me like you and dh need both marital counseling and financial counseling. It does sound to me like you and dh view family finances very differently.
I am finding it hard to understand why you are in such dire financial straits if you only have about $1,500 in credit card debt. Is that correct? But that's not correct, because you also refer to a line of credit, which sounds to me like a home equity loan (I have a similar line of credit), and it sounds to me like you have maxed it out, if you are bouncing checks. Sadly, if you have a large mortgage and the home equity loan, you may not have much equity in your house and may not realize much profit to you and dh (rather than the bank) from selling it. But you absolutely have to get your financial act together before - BEFORE - the bank or one of your creditors does it for you.
Did you know, for example, that if your house is foreclosed and the mortgage company sells it for less the amount of the mortgage, you are liable for the unpaid balance on the mortgage - and that doesn't take into account the line of credit monies you also owe. That's why you have to get this sorted out BEFORE the bank or mortgage company takes action.
I would at least check into the rent prices in your area. I would think it would have to be cheaper than your house payment and your home equity payment together to rent a place to live.
You say working is not an option for you- maybe you are saying that too easily. Could you work at something part time while your DH is home? Are your kids in school or will they be soon? Can you do a homebased business? I couldn't make any money doing that but a lot of women make good money doing Mary Kay or Tupperware or Scrapbooking parties. Or go back to school it may take time but the next 5 years will go by whether you are going to school or not, but if you do start to work on a degree then eventually it will pay off. I don't think selling your house is the answer, rent for a large apt. could be quite high.
I have to agree I dont think renting is the answer. I think figuring out a way to bring in more cash flow is the key here. Its hard to help when we dont know everything about you- and I understand that you dont want to post more details as then that would give you away. So I am not saying to do that! ;)
I agree with AMe in that you are under ALOT of stress. More then you may be aware of. You need to take a breather and try to think rationally about how you and your dh can dig your way out of this hole you are in. I was in your shoes once and I ended up divorced. I promise you that is not the road you want to take. Unless, of course, your dh is beating you, emotionally abusing you, verbally abusing you, cheating on you, etc...
You have alot of options. You just need to be open minded, figure out a plan, stick with it, stay focused together...
You could easily work in the evenings or on the weekends I am guessing. If not then have your dh take on a 2nd job. Use those pay checks to pay off your debt. Then think about what type of training you want to get for the future. If you you want to be home full time- figure out a way to make money from home. Babysitting? I dont know. You will figure it out.
Its tough when money gets tight!! We have all been there.
You might go to www.daveramsey.com and see what tips they have there.
I guess I am a little confused. You say in one sentence that your bills are more then you can handle. But, in another you say, I know it's both our faults we spend so much money. So, is it your bills that have you in debt or is it misc. spending? If it is your household bills, then maybe selling your house and moving into a smaller less expensive one would help.(If this is even possible) But, if it is just your spending in general, then I think financial couseling would be a better idea. Otherwise, you are going to sell your house and pay off your debt. But, if you don't change your spending habits, you will end up back in the same situation. Also, why are you eating out or thinking of a vacation when you can't pay your monthly bills. It sounds like you and dh need to sit down and come up with a plan. See where you can cut back and talk about a job for you or a 2nd job for dh. Also, there are great tips on the today show website. They are constantly talking about money issues and ways to get out of debt.
Money problems are the leading cause of divorce and stress. Were you happy with your dh before the money problems? What would you do to support yourself after the divorce, if you went your seperate ways? A good friend of mine just went through a divorce. She didn't have much of a choice because it was a verbally abusive relationship. She found herself back in the workforce after being a SAHM for 12 yrs. Being a working, single parent has been more difficult then she ever thought possible. I would, personally, try and work on your financial problems before you take steps to end your marriage.
I read where you wrote that you spend way too much money. That could be the problem. If you have that much money to spend but aren't paying your bills, that isn't a money problem. Have you tried making a budget. Sometimes if you do this, you may find that you have enough to pay the bills and still eat out once a week or whatever. It's the little purchases that add up.
Good luck. We've had our share of money stresses. It's not fun.
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