Hi there -

A good friend (one of my bridesmaids) who lives out of state - just contacted me that she lost her twins - a boy and girl - she was about 5months pregnant. I am so sad for her loss. What is appropriate to send or do? And when? We don't talk often - just a friend that you always know will be there for you...

Thanks for any input.

Amy

By Kaseys on Tuesday, July 5, 2005 - 03:10 pm:

I lost a baby boy at 5 months and let me tell you IT'S HARD!! For me the best thing that people could do for me was just to check in on me and let me know that they cared. Just let her know that you are there for her anytime she needs you. If you wanted to send her something, maybe some nice cheerful flowers would be nice, is she having a service for them? If so you might could send a small arrangement, or we had a couple of people make donations to our church in the babies name. Good Luck, I know it's hard, you don't want to say the wrong thing but you want to be there. Just call her often and let her know that you love her.

I hope this helps!!

By Jann on Tuesday, July 5, 2005 - 04:10 pm:

Just be there if she needs to talk, vent, cry.

By Eve on Tuesday, July 5, 2005 - 04:51 pm:

Ditto Jann. I think a nice card or flowers would be nice. I think just to let her know you are thinking of her. I don't think there is anything you can do to make it better, but being a friend helps. Especially later on down the road when everyone forgets and has moved on.

By Marcia on Tuesday, July 5, 2005 - 04:55 pm:

Eve is right - everyone does forget. It would be nice to just keep sending her cards, letting her know you're thinking about her. That means so much.

By Reds9298 on Tuesday, July 5, 2005 - 05:14 pm:

I received flowers from a dear friend that lives far away from me when I miscarried and it really brightened my day.

By Emily7 on Tuesday, July 5, 2005 - 06:43 pm:

I also think Eve is right. She lost a part of her & it will be something she will never forget, it has been 9 years in October for me & the pain is still there.
Just let her know that you are there to talk to & cry with.

By Jilly on Tuesday, July 5, 2005 - 08:25 pm:

Acknowledging it as a real loss is the biggest thing. These babies, while they were still in utero, were real babies to her. She'd already imagined a million things she'd do with them when they arrived.

Being a friend and just being willing to listen and be there for her in whatever way you can will make a world of difference.

Also, find out what her due date was - and send her a card on/around that date to let her know you are thinking of her on what will most likely be a difficult day/time for her.

By Bellajoe on Tuesday, July 5, 2005 - 10:42 pm:

I agree 100% with Jilly

Send her some flowers to let her know that you are thinking about her. Call her often just to chat and to let her know that you care.
Sending something or calling her around her due date to let her know that you remember her loss. I'm sure that will mean the world to her.

By Kim on Wednesday, July 6, 2005 - 12:09 am:

I agree with everyone. I lost twins at 4 1/2 months. It was heartbreaking and some people didn't want to acknowledge what I had gone through. They wanted me to forget and get over it as quickly as possible. I will never get over it! Validation is number one in my opinion. Flowers, a card, something signifying a rememberance, anything! Yes, thinking of ehr around the due date also would be nice. That's when I erally had a hard time. Even if its just a shoulder to cry on.

By Amyk on Wednesday, July 6, 2005 - 07:01 am:

Thank you for all your thoughtful responses. I have sent her a cedar tree seedling in a little silver cup - found it on red envelope's site. I love the idea of sending her something around her due date. She is going to call me today. I don't know if she went into early labor or what - I'm devastated for her. These twins would've been her first children... after having a child of my own - I can imagine the enormity of what she has lost. My condolences to all of you who have been through this.

Best,

Amy

By Tink on Wednesday, July 6, 2005 - 07:24 pm:

I lost one of a set of twins with my first pregnancy. You are a wonderful friend for acknowledging her loss, rather than brushing it off as "part of God's plan" or not mentioning it at all. I think sending her something on the due date is wonderful and a card on the anniversary next year would be thoughtful. You are a good friend.