Help! Sister-in-law strikes AGAIN!
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Help! Sister-in-law strikes AGAIN!
OK Addison's birthday is in a few weeks. He asked that we have a pool party with his baseball team and invite Nana and Papa to come so on Sunday we can go on the boat and he can have some one on one time with them. We have not seen them since Thanksgiving so decided if he wanted his grandparents we would invite them.
So they accept and we go on with our plans...until yesterday. The sister in law calls John AT WORK and tells him we get to meet her baby. He says what? She says yes you get to meet the baby we are coming the weekend of Addison's party. She then hangs up.
John comes home and calls her back. He explains that we have made plans that do not include 4 extra people (the boat will not hold that many) and we will meet the baby at the baptism which is next month. She simply refuses to hear and gives him several other ideas of how we can spend the day. NO! It is Addison's birthday and we do not want it to be baby weekend. He wants alone time with his grandparents. If she comes with her two kids (who see the grandparents daily) he will not be able to do that.
We are so tired of her inviting herself (we live 4 hours away) and refusing to hear us. She is so darn RUDE! The birthday weekend is not meant to be a family get together. My family is not invited either and they understand.
Help!
I have this written so far. Please help me word this so I am not attacking her but get our position clear. Since she talks over us on the phone a letter is the only effective means of communicating our side to her.
We are writing you simply because phone conversations with you are ineffective. No matter how hard one tries to explain, you talk over them. You just seem unable to hear our position. We are sorry but you were not invited to Addison’s birthday for a reason. It is not personal. It is not just you who was not invited. His birthday is not meant to be a big family get together. If it were, my sister and her family would also be invited. They are not. Addison requested a party with his team mates. He wanted his Nana and Papa to come so on Sunday he could have some one on one time with his grandparents. He wanted to go on the boat with them, etc. Regardless, our plans have been made and they are not going to be changed.
We understand that you have an “open door policy” where anyone can just stop by your house. That is great. We do not feel the same way. We do not appreciate people showing up or inviting themselves over. It is our home and our feelings need to be respected. The rest of our family and friends know our position on this and always plan, in advance, any visits. We ask that you do the same.
We will see you at the Baptism. We look forward to meeting Jacob then.
Love,
John & Yvonne
OMG! I would just die. Honestly, I kind of feel your pain- we just had something similar happen over spring break. We had been planning since Thanksgiving to spend part of Spring break at fil's/stepmil's house (8 hrs away i think). Anyway, the week we were too leave fil calls and says oh by the way, step sil and her 2 kids will be here when you are here. Uhhhh, ok where should our family of 5 sleep then??? They said OUR kids could go down the road and sleep at other sil's house. Dh and I were just stunned by the thoughtlessness. Stepsil see's them ALL the time like your sil and her kids!!!
Anyway- mil/step fil live on a farm a mile away (if you can imagine living a mile away from your ex! lol) and let us all stay in their RV for the few days we were there otherwise I had already told dh that kids and I were going straight to my Grandma's and not stopping to visit his family.
It is constantly something stupid I swear!! LOL I feel your pain, I REALLY do.
Last week fil / stepmil stayed the night here on their way thru to Chicago. They should be back tonight to stay the night again on their way back home. I feel like a HOTEL service basically.  It isnt like they just decided to drive over to see *us*... They brought BLAKE some things last week and didnt bring our other 3 kids anything. This is the first yr they have sent BLAKE anything for his bday (money), but they didnt send my other kids anything. Its very frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry to ramble on-- I really hope you figure out a way to handle her. She is really something!!! ugh
Your letter is alot more tactful then I would be able to sound!! LOL I think it sounds good and I hope it works for you.
How rude of her to try and turn your ds party into a time to meet her new baby.
I totally understand about the boat only holding a certain number of people too!!! And would she really try to take her NEWBORN on the boat? I could see doing that if it were a cabin cruiser or a houseboat and you could go inside with the baby I suppose.
The one on one time with Grandparents is important and I dont think some people get that when they are the ones that live right next door to the Grandparents. Its sad.
Is it possible she is jealous of you and your family?
Good. Very good.
I cannot believe she is that rude...very selfish and quite immature. Does she always act like the world revolves around her?
Maybe you could call her & let her know that you are planning a family birthday party for Addison the day of Jacob's baptism. See how she responds to that. I do think that it is very rude that she would invite herself & not listen to reason about why she is not invited.
I would send a letter thanking her for wanting to spend the day with Addison, but saying that he is just at the age where he wants a party with friends. Be careful on how you word it, because it could really cause some nasty feelings between family.
Connie,
Not only is our boat not a cabin cruiser, it is a fishing boat AND...Addison wants to show off his fishing skills to his grandparents. It is not really ideal to be swinging around a fishing pole on an over crowded (if they came) boat but one with a baby. Not only that, I would not take a baby on a boat for the day. Its too hot and there are no facilities. It is just ridiculous for us to even have to explain ourselves. She was NOT invited! Argggh!
Man, she is one wacky chick. I like your letter. Did you send it yet?
No I have not mailed the letter. I think it needs editing. I am just so annoyed right now. I swear she loves causing conflict.
And in answer to someones question...YES she does think the world revolves around her and that is the main reason we cannot deal with her. Any time she is around she creates drama and makes sure she takes center stage. Sorry but on my childs birthday HE gets to have the attention.
Revised letter....
We are writing you simply because phone conversations with you are ineffective. No matter how hard one tries to explain, you talk over them. You just seem unable to hear our position.
We are sorry but you were not invited to Addison’s birthday for a reason. It is not personal. It is not just you who was not
invited. His birthday is not meant to be a big family get together. If it were, my sister and her family would also be invited. They are not. They know this and completely understand. Addison
requested a party with his team mates. He wanted his Nana and Papa to come so on Sunday he could have some one on one time with his grandparents. He wanted to go on the boat with them, etc. Regardless, our plans have been made and they are
not going to be changed. This is not open to debate.
We understand that you have an “open door policy” where anyone can just stop by your house. That is great---for you. We do not feel the same way. We do not appreciate people showing up or inviting themselves over. It is our home and our feelings must be respected! The rest of our family and friends know our position on this and always plan, in advance, any visits.
We ask that you treat us with the same respect.
We will see you at the Baptism.
We look forward to meeting Jacob then.
If she shows up, go out on the boat as planned and say "gee, I said that this was an outing for just us and we don't have room in the boat. you are welcome to wait on the shore till we get back, but it may be awhile" and then leave.
I certainly understand your position, and fully sympathize with you. However, I would place myself above her control issues by changing sentences that are 'finger-pointers'...it's like in counseling when you are encouraged to avoid a lot of 'you' do this, and 'you' do that. Especially if you're putting this in writing, I just think you can take the higher road by rewriting some of the lines.
For instance, "you just seem unable to hear our position" and "you talk over them" will immediately put someone on the defensive. Of course, with her it's probably fitting.LOL
But in the interest of family harmony, I would say "we are unable to come to agreement" or something to that effect. I'm just thinking of the future, and how nice it would be if you were the one to take the step to make things pleasant down the road. If for no one else, then your relationship with nieces/nephews.
I hope you don't think I'm criticizing you - I've just taken and taught tons of classes in effective communication styles, and it's a force of habit to pick out things like that. 
I agree with you Kay.
Dear SIL,
We would have loved to have you & your family over for Addison's party, however he has requested that it be a friend only party. Since it is HIS special day we have decided to honor that. The only reason the grandparents were invited is because he would like to spend some alone time with them. I am sure that you understand this.
We can not wait to meet Jacob & are looking forward to his baptism. We will see you at that time.
Love your letter Emily! that way nothing is confrontational or unexplained.
I really like Emily's version it is very soft but I think effective, it's also short and to the point. It doesn't attack in anyway. I know you are upset, but when I read your letter I thought "She is going to get defensive". Just be careful what you put in writing it could come back to haunt you for years.
As for all the other issues, it would be best to address those in person so that it will be harder for her to misintrepet your words. Hopefully you or your husband will be able to sit down and have a serious discussion with her. Good luck! Let us know what happens.
I understand not being too confrontational but if we are not firm she WILL come anyway. She has done this to us before. We want to be clear that we will not tolerate her doing it again. This is a person who refuses to take no as an answer.
I mean--she is inviting herself to something she WAS NOT invited to!
We have tried to discuss these issues in person, she literally talks over us (talks while we are talking). We do not want to allow this nonsense anymore and we absolutely do not want her here ruining our childs birthday. For those of you who do not know the history you may think we are overreacting. We are not. The last birthday she was allowed to come to she screamed and yelled and ruined the entire day. We do not want her in our home.
Yvonne,while I agree that for normal people, Emily wrote a great letter, from past posts I know your sister-in-law is not "normal". I make the following suggestions. Some of the changes are to put things in the present rather than past tense (a particular bugaboo of mine). Others are intended to make your position very, very clear. While you wrote some very polite and sensitive things, I suggest that with your sil, that doesn't work.
However, if you think she will show the letter around to the rest of the family to try to get support for poor her against awful you, then you should stick to your version.
We are writing to you to make things very clear. You were not invited to Addison’s birthday for a reason. It is not personal. It is not just you who was not invited. His birthday is not going to be a big family get together.
Addison requested a party with his team mates on Saturday. No one other than his parents and team mates will be at this party, and it is no place for a baby. He wants his Nana and Papa to come on Sunday so that he can have some one on one time with his grandparents. He wants to go on the boat with them, and show them his fishing skills. As you know, our boat is a small rowboat and it would not be safe to add your family to the passengers.
Please understand, our plans have been made and they are not going to be changed. This is not open to debate. If you insist on showing up on Saturday or Sunday we will have no choice but to direct you to the nearest motel or hotel so that we can go ahead with Addison's plans for his birthday.
We understand that you have an “open door policy” where anyone can just stop by your house. That is great---for you. We do not feel the same way. We do not appreciate people showing up or inviting themselves over. It is our home and our feelings must be respected! The rest of our family and friends know our position on this and always plan, in advance, any visits.
We ask that you treat us with the same respect.
We will see you at the Baptism.
We look forward to meeting Jacob then.
Ginny I think your letter is great.
I hope that the sil will not make a scene by showing up. Please let us know how it goes Yvonne.
Yvonne, knowing all the issues you've had with your SIL, I think that Ginny's letter is extremely effective. It doesn't leave any room for discussion and is still non-accusatory. I can not believe that she is trying to make yet another event all about her! When was the last time you got to have a non-drama-filled family get together? I really hope she'll take no for an answer this time.
"We teach people how to treat us."
I hope she learns her lesson and I am SO proud of you for sticking to your guns. I can't believe she's acting like this. I bet the only friends she has left IS family, and she's abusing them left and right...so pitiful.
Are you emailing this to her or writing it to her? I would send it certified mail, just because she sounds so darn nutty...would act like she never got the letter.
I'm so sorry you even have to deal with her. And, you're right, it's about your child and what HE wants. Plain and simple. It's absolutely ridiculous that she act this way...calling your DH at work...ugh.
I'd go with Ginny's letter.....and Yvonne, you have my {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} an sympathy!!!
Yes, another vote for Ginny's letter.
I agree with Ginny's letter too.
I think we should all send her a letter!
LOL Conni
Hubby is trying one more time to call her. He is afraid if we mail the letter they will all say I wrote it and attack me (meaning they will try to twist it that he wants her here and I don't).
If she "hears" him on the phone--Great!
If not the letter will go out (with delivery confirmation) tomorrow.
Thanks for everyone's support!
Good luck Yvonne. I like Ginny's letter too.
I don't have any advice but just wanted to say-Good luck Yvonne.
Can you change the time and have everyone meet at the boat? This way everyone is already gone if she shows up at your house?
I wouldn't travel 4 hours with a new baby unless it was an emergency ...
Good luck.
Ame
I like Ginny's letter. If you are afraid of making yourself a target, ask your husband to write the letter (in his handwriting) and sign it.
I have the dysfunctional family from Hades and one thing I have done is send a copy to every family member when things like this come up. That way, everyone saw the letter and no rumors, hearsay or inneudo can be "floated". They all have a copy, and they all know what it says. It has worked for me in the past because it kind of "cuts the gossip" at the knees. No untruths or misunderstandings can be fed because everyone has a copy of the letter.
Just a thought. MM
Good thinking, MM. I was thinking of both of them signing it, but to have it in dh's handwriting is even better. And to send copies to the relevant people might be a good idea - I don't know the players so I can't judge that. I would certainly make a copy for the grandparents, because she does see them daily and will undoubtedly complain to them (and they may feel put in the middle, which would be too bad). In which case you might want to strengthen the importance to your son of having one on one time with his dearly loved grandparents, so that they can feel the specialness he puts on this.
The letter IS going out tomorrow. She will not answer her phone but her husband left a message that they are looking forward to seeing us in a few weeks. Argggh! Seems they are two of a kind. John will sign the letter. I really could care lesss if she does think I wrote it---It IS my house TOO!
It has been sent via priority mail with delivery confirmation.
Any bets she comes any way? I just wouldn't put it past her.
Oh I think she will! ;)
Way to go, Yvonne...I would let the grandparents know what you sent and why...and explain it to them that you just didn't want any hearsay after she gets it, that's all. I'm sure they will feel honored that Addison wants them there "alone"!
Gosh, what if she comes anyway? Is there any way of not answering the door if you see that it's her? That would be quite embarrassing on her part if she came anyway...and, like I said earlier, pathetic. So sad.
Hopefully this will nip it in the bud!!! I'll say a prayer!
If she comes, just wave at her from the shore as you ride off.
ROFL Jann!!!!!!!!!!
Sadly the grandparents are her parents and for all we know they are in on her plans. John did call them and explain she wasn't invited, etc. They simply told him he needed to tell her. Funny since the ONLY reason she knew about the weekend is because they told her.
It is all one big mess! I am mad at myself for inviting the grandparents. I should have told Addison that we could invite them a different weekend. Now, it is likely his birthday will not be what he wanted. He deserves HIS time.
Did I mention Addison is sharing his party with a team mate? His friend's birthday is the same week and the parents are going through some financial hardships. Addison found out his friend is not going to have a party so he asked if his party could be for them both. We, of course, said yes.
That made Sunday even more important---that he would get his time to know he is important and loved.
I am just so frustrated!
I think you learned a valuable lesson. Warn family in advance if you are not inviting your SIL and tell them not to mention to her that you are having an event. That should save you some grief.
I'm not understanding something, I think ... is there a pool party or fishing on the boat or both?
If it's fishing on the boat on Sunday, then I'll say it again - have the grandparents come earlier and get to the boat earlier.
If you're not home SIL may get the message!
Ame
His gesture to his friend was so lovely and thoughtful! He obviously knows he is loved and special or he would not have felt comfortable sharing his big day.
Saturday is a pool party/bbq with team mates.
Sunday Addison wants to spend the day with his grandparents and go out on the boat.
The grandparents will NOT help us avoid sister in law. They will likely take her side.
Lesson learned: No longer invite ANY of them!
But how could you not, your son said he wanted to spend time with them.
If your SIL and inlaws live right near each other, and she is their daughter, and they see each other often, I can see why they take her side. It's probably far more peaceful for them if they agree with her and take up for her so that she doesn't attack THEM! It's not right, of course, but it makes sense to me. Also it probably hurts them to see their son and daughter at odds with each other. It's too bad they don't take up for your HUSBAND, instead.
Anyway, I hope all goes well for you and do let us know how they take the letter!! And if they send Addison a gift!!
Oh man Kate---don't get me started about gifts.
LOL
It would be just like her to bring something totaly inappropriate or embarrassing. Especially since she has been told no more gifts.
If she can create a scene--she will. She seems to thrive on it.
SHE CALLED JOHN AT WORK TODAY (YES--WORK AGAIN!). SHE SAID SHE RECEIVED THE LETTER AND IT WAS A BIT HARSH. JOHN SAID THERE WAS NOTHING HARSH ABOUT IT. I TRIED TO TALK TO YOU ON THE PHONE YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN. I SENT A LETTER BECAUSE YOU CANNOT TALK OVER A LETTER. SHE SAID SHE UNDERSTOOD OUR FEELINGS ABOUT VISITORS BUT WANTED TO BE FAMILY. SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO BE INCLUDED IN FAMILY EVENTS AND IT MADE HER SAD TO BE EXCLUDED.
JOHN SAID WELL YOU OWE A FEW APOLOGIES. YOU NEED TO TELL ADDISON YOU ARE SORRY THAT YOU GAVE HIM A GIRLS GIFT. THIS SHE DID NOT DISPUTE DOING. HMMMM....NICE AUNT!
HE SAID YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO MY WIFE ABOUT WRITING A DETAILED LETTER ABOUT HOW YOU DESTROYED THE WEDDING BEDTRAY. SHE SAID SHE WROTE IT THAT WAY BECAUSE SHE WAS HOPING I WOULD OFFER TO MAKE ANOTHER ONE. JOHN SAID YOU HAVE A FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING IT. IT ACTED AS THOUGH YOU DID NOT APPRECIATE THE TIME AND CREATIVITY THAT WENT INTO THE GIFT MY WIFE MADE. SHE SAID SHE WAS SORRY IF HER LETTER SOUNDED UNGRATEFUL.
SHE SAID SHE WOULD DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE A FAMILY AGAIN. SHE SAID SHE WANTED THE COUSINS TO BE ABLE TO GET TOGETHER. SHE TOLD JOHN SHE WANTED TO COME DOWN FOR A WEEKEND. JOHN TOLD HER THAT HE WOULD LET HER KNOW IF WE EVER HAD A FREE WEEKEND.
SHE IS NOT COMING ON ADDISON'S BIRTHDAY WEEKEND. THANK GOODNESS.
I WILL SAY THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SHE HAS EVER SAID SHE WAS SORRY ABOUT ANYTHING OR HEARD THE WORD NO.
I STILL DO NOT TRUST HER AS FAR AS I CAN THROW HER.
WE WILL SEE THEM FOR THE BAPTISM.
Oops. I apologize for the all caps!
Glad it worked out to where she is not coming, and she actually got the point. Good Luck in the future with her.
Maybe...just maybe...she's finally seeing that she can't bulldoze and bully your family! I would also be worried about future events, but maybe she'll be able to build up a good track record so you can be the family that she says she wants. Generally, people like this are skilled at manipulation so it would take a while before I really trusted her. I'm glad you'll be able to enjoy Addison's birthday weekend with one less worry.
Yvonne, I am very pleased that she called and that the conversation went the way it did. But, given her track record, if it were me I'd still be wary that she might show up on Addison's birthday weekend.
By the way, what a nice boy to want to share *his* day with another boy. Bet that makes you feel really, really good!
I hope she keeps her word and stays away. I guess we will have to wait and see. I *think* the reason she behaved nicely is because of her husband. I think he heard a different version and once the letter arrived she had some explaining to do. Regardless, we are just relieved she is not coming.
I do not trust her and will always watch my back. Over the past few years she has proven herself to be manipulative and cruel. One apology cannot make up for her track record.
Thank you everyone for your advice. Thank you Ginny for helping me edit my letter!
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