my daughter graduated in dec and is eighteen and a half...she wrote a letter and and moved out. in the letter she said somethings that shocked me ... she quit beauty school after half way thru it ... her passion is to be a teacher and she dont see continueing the beauty school thing because she dont want to do it ..tho the deal was since the high school was paying for it that she would use it as a back up to pay for extras while she was in the dorms... she also looses 524 dollars social security monies cuz she wont be in a vacational school... long story. so yeah she is home but ..she isnt going to school and and she is making some unwise decisions. and she has hurt our relationship so bad im not s ure at this point that i can forget for a while. my trust is broken. the bottom line ... im guilty of loving her and making it to easy for her. she wants a job and to move out and go school. i copied and pasted this from the prayer board .... im so lost i dont know what to do with her ..she andi just had another fight today. we never use to fight. its hurting me so bad inside.

By Mom2three1968 on Friday, April 8, 2005 - 11:56 pm:

jewlz,

I know that it is hard. I have a 19 yr old son, he and his 19 yr old girlfriend are due to have a baby this month. She has graduated, was a good student. He on the other hand graduates this year. He is not a good student, doesn't apply himself and thinks that things should just come easily for him. He doesn't have the grades for college. We wanted him to go to a trade school or join the military. He chose the military, so as far as we knew that was the plan, two months ago he let us know that he didn't want to join the military. There plan is to get married after his graduation, move back to Pa where are extended family is from, and hopefully get into Sony where her sisters boyfriend works. Oh, they are planning on fixing up the attic in her sisters home and they will all live together as one big "happy" family! Did I want this for him, any of it?? No, but i am tired of beating my head against the wall, sometimes your just left with letting them make there own decisions. The only consulation that i have is that her parents live there and if there is a problem the baby won't be suffer. I feel for you.........

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, April 9, 2005 - 01:15 am:

Jewlz, please email me at klipvm at rcn.com. I'd like to talk with you but it means talking about someone else's personal business, so I'd rather not do it on the board. I can say, BTDT.

By Jewlz on Saturday, April 9, 2005 - 03:10 am:

oops used ur emaial on ur profile. mine is sewinsofun@hotmail .com
mom2three lets just get out the case of tissue boxes and have a crying session. i know we want the best for our kids. sometimes they think they know it better than us tho.

By Colette on Saturday, April 9, 2005 - 06:52 am:

Good luck Jewlz. Maybe she can get a job working at a local school as a para-professional while she goes to college to be a teacher? I work with a lot of young girls who are doing that. {{{Jewlz}}}

By Kim on Saturday, April 9, 2005 - 08:18 am:

Jewlz, why the change suddenly in her behaviour? Are there new friends around? Is something else going on? New boyfriend? Possibility of substances being around? I am not trying to be rude, this reminds me of a 16 y/o I know.

I am sorry for your pain. I know from my own teenager how bad it can be. I know from emailing you a long long time ago that you have a son also. Is ther any way he can help be a good influence on her? Or talk to her? I wish I could say something to help.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, April 9, 2005 - 08:26 am:

Peggy, I got your email and responded.

By Kernkate on Saturday, April 9, 2005 - 10:28 am:

{{{Jewlz}}} I can truly feel for you after going through so much with my DSD. I hope things will work out for your DD and she will get on the right road again.

By Amecmom on Saturday, April 9, 2005 - 10:53 am:

Hugs Jewlz - I can't offer any advice but to keep being there for her and continue to be a good role model. We all make mistakes, sometimes in our teens - sometimes later. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Ame

By Jelygu on Saturday, April 9, 2005 - 06:41 pm:

(((hugs))) I can't offer any real advice because I haven't been there. I hope that she will start making wiser decisions, and that you two can find some things to agree on.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Saturday, April 9, 2005 - 10:21 pm:

Jewlz, What exactly is going on???? Did she want to go to cosmotology school in the first place? What are the disagreements about? I just want to get a better feel of what is going on before I make any comments.

New boyfriend? Possible drugs/alcohol? New friends? The questions Kim suggested are on my mind too... There has to be something underlying all this.

By Jewlz on Monday, April 11, 2005 - 02:43 am:

ok no new friends the same ole ones pretty much... the beauty school was a back up plan not a carreer forever... and no drugs ..she says she duz drink a bit but nothing wild cuz it makes her sick hahaha i glad about that .. cuz it duz me ..she got some gene from me .... i got so mad at her the other day almost told her to go ahead and get ur own place but bit my tongue and we have talked alot since then. i wish i knew what her way of thinking was. she and her brother are working on thier issues. she lied to him to keep him from getting mad her. cuz he holds her on a pedastal. and thinks she should never do any wrong. and he would have hurt anyone that influenced her in any way that wasnt proper. so they are working on that. ... she is opening up and we went shopping today. we seem to talk better in public .. no one can raise thier voices or push buttons that arent nessessarey but she is straight forward still. i know she want to be independant as i brought her up that way but darn just cuz ur 18 dont make it time to fly out of the nesxt and celebrate independace day! thanks for all ur help and preyers this just caught me by surprise. huggles to all im so lucky to have the pepole on this board to come to ... ur all great.

By Imamommyx4 on Monday, April 11, 2005 - 05:41 pm:

I've got a 22 yo and 24 yo ds's that have been bent on making bad decisions. The second son moved out one day when he was 18 and 3 months. The day before everything had seemed status quo. That evening ds #2 was really late getting home. Dh called him on his cell phone and told him to get home and finish his school work. DS said 'I don't think I want to' and hung up on his daddy. I think dh would have beat the pulp out of him if he could have gotten his hands on him. I know I wanted to. The next day he pulls up with 2 of his new friends, loaded their cars up with their stuff and drove away.
My and dh's problem was that we kept rescuing them from their screw-ups. We thought we were doing it out of love. And partly it was. But someone that I very much value, was of the mindset that alot of times parents rescue their children, not because they don't want their children to suffer, but because we don't want to look bad because our child has made bad mistakes. This friend said it alot better than I can. But in rescuing them every time, we enable them to continue. So, about 2 years ago, dh and I got together on the whole issue, laid down ground rules and told these 2 young men that they could live at home if and only if they agreed to follow house rules--home by MN, do your own laundry, no incoming phone calls after 9 pm, no girls in your room with the door closed, etc. If you don't agree or the first violation, then you can't live here. We also told them that there would be no more cash flow without work to earn it like mowing the yard, etc.
Oldest son needed a place to live, so he agreed. But very soon after he stayed out till 3 am. Dh told him to move and he did. The second son chose to do whatver he could to not move home.
It has hurt so badly at times. Especially the second son. He's been a real pain in the rear.
And I have prayed so many times over those boys that I can not tell you.
After a very rough year and a half, the oldest has begun to see some light. He has met a REALLY nice girl that he thinks that she may be the one. And she has so much on the ball. And It seems that she is having a wonderful influence on him. He says that she makes him want to be a better person.
The second son still pushes my buttons but I try not to let him. I just keep reassuring myself that I am not responsible for him.
I don't know if it helps any, but sometimes it is comforting to know that you are not the only parent that feels like that.

By Cocoabutter on Tuesday, April 12, 2005 - 10:28 pm:

I was one of those crazy kids who moved out at the age of 19 into an apartment with a guy I barely knew. I wasn't going to college at all either, and I had been raised in a conservative Christian home. I hurt my mom's feelings so badly that our relationship was never the same until after my ds was born 8-1/2 years ago. (I am 35 and have been married for 15 years) It seems that after having a child I grew up an awful lot and my mom has seen me mature and we are close once again.

When I first started out on my own, my parents (mainly my dad) informed me that since I was making an ADULT decision I was now an ADULT and would have to accept my own responsibilities and consequences as an ADULT would. And boy did I! Without daddy and mommy there to break my fall every time I screwed up, I grew up a little more with each mistake or bad decision I made.

If you can let go now, when she matures into her own, she will come back to you. I did.